Does not wanting to breast feed make me a terrible mother?

[swmum]

The more I think about it the more I just don't want to do it. Baby due in a few weeks and the reality of what is involved in bf has really started to hit me.
Just really don't fancy it - the sore boobs, the constant reliance on me to feed and not dh, the feeding in public thing.
I know to a lot of people these are nothing - not things to concern myself with - but to me they are a real turn off.
I just want my body back to myself as soon as possible.
But I'm worried that makes me a bad, selfish mother. I know all the 'breast is best' stuff and all the stats on it. But I worry it is going to make me so unhappy to have do it.
Does/did anyone else feel this way? Any advice?
Maybe when he arrives I'll feel totally different, but I know myself and I don't see that happening.
Will I really be harming him or putting in place health issues for the future if I don't bf?
As you can tell I'm a bit stressed about this so any words of wisdome would be most welcome!

By fingerwoman on Mon 17-Mar-08 22:06:12
welliemum no-one is suggesting that all women who don't breastfeed feel like that. in fact, I am sure it's a tiny minority. But some do. and yes, I think that's very selfish

so, yes, I know that already

and as everyone seems to have missed it I'll re-post my direct reply to the OP

By fingerwoman on Mon 17-Mar-08 22:03:01
btw forgot to add, swmum i reckon that giving it a go and seeing how you do is a great idea.
when you get that baby you'll find you want to do EVERYTHING you possibly can to give it the best start possible. breastfeeding may not work out for you, but I hope it does, because when it is going well it's truly a wonderful experience

So, the only time I said it was selfish was in regard to the "tiny minority" of people who do choose not to bf out of convenience.,
which clearly is not aimed at the OP, but was being discussed

fingerwoman, I think what we're objecting to is the red herring (which you seem to subscribe to) that a choice not to bf is always a choice, in the strict sense of the word.

I don't think I have ever said that. I wouldn't ebcause I gave up with ds1 and was absolutely devastated,. it was not a choice for me, and I would never assume that everyone who doesn't BF does it out of choice.

All I did was say that I agreed with a lot of what Gaby was saying. not in relation to the OP, so maybe it would have been better placed on another thread.

But unless you can see into someone's head and know that they are perfectly positioned to bf and are choosing not to simply out of convenience - unless you know that for a fact and I don't see how you ever can know that - calling a non-breastfeeder "selfish" is a huge assumption to make.

There are a lot of people who have the odds stacked against bf in ways which aren't visible to an onlooker, and aren't easy to talk about. Berolina has mentioned some sources of pressure. There are also plenty of people around whose childhood experiences make the idea of breastfeeding intolerable. I'm sure I don't need to draw a picture.

That's why you will never, ever hear me say that someone is being selfish for not breastfeeding. Maybe they are, maybe they aren't, but the judgement is not mine to make and never will be.

argh, but isn't this hypothetical???
I am saying that I suspect there is a small/tiny/miniscule minority of women who do not breastfeed because they don't think it is convenient,. or because it will not fit into their lifestyle.

that is selfish. IMO

that is not aimed at anyone on this thread. I am saying that in that particular situation, it would be a selfish thing to do.

it isn't a matter of seeing into anyone's head and knowing what they're thinking.

But if it's hypothetical, isn't it rather pointless?

If there's someone out there possibly being selfish, but we can't distinguish them from a bunch of other people who might be outwardly doing and saying the same thing - isn't it a bit of a waste of energy having an opinion about them at all?

Also - in a much more practical and immediate way - if there are people reading this thread who can't breastfeed for reasons they're not prepared to shout to the rooftops, they are going to be devastated to think that on top of everything else they have to deal with, casual onlookers are labelling them as selfish.

I'm sorry to be going on about this, but it's about real people's feelings and not an esoteric point of debate.

(If I suddenly disappear, by the way, it won't be because I've flounced - am multitasking)

Well said welliemum.

There is a place for pure hypothetical debate. Sharpens the mind, hones the old reasoning skills etc.

Some threads are begun in a way as to prompt such a debate.

But a thread like this has a real person posing a question about their own situation, asking for help, and hanging on the discussion, considering big decisions and feeling emotions and doubts.

It's personal.

It's a thread that should have the OP in consideration with each post.

A different kind of thread, I think.

Soooooooo........

I hope you have found some help and reassurance, swmum!

Message withdrawn

"So, the only time I said it was selfish was in regard to the "tiny minority" of people who do choose not to bf out of convenience.,"

Out of interest - I googled 'pros and cons breastfeeding and bottlefeeding' and came up with hundreds of lists from a huge range of sources. Having had a leaf through, the pros of bottlefeeding are invariably along these lines:

'Pros of bottlefeeding' from the breast or bottle' article on netmums:

Anyone can feed your baby.

No embarrassment about public feeding.

Formula milk takes longer to digest than breastmilk so your baby will stay contented longer.

You can go back to eating and drinking what you want."

In other words - they are all to do with issues of practical convenience for mothers.

And all the 'cons' of breastfeeding are to do with the inconvenience of breastfeeding - the difficulty in establishing breastfeeding, the fact you have to do all the feeds yourself, the fact that it may be embarrassing to you to have to feed in public. The fact that you may have to think about what you eat and drink.

That seems to reflect the information in the DOH infant feeding survey. The primary reason women gave in this (massive) survey for choosing to bottlefeed was 'so that someone else could feed the baby'. The primary reason (79%) women gave for choosing to breastfeed was because 'it's better for the baby'.

I appreciate that women are to a great extent influenced by cultural factors when it comes to this choice, BUT THE CHOICE TO BOTTLEFEED is primarily promoted to women in terms of personal and social convenience. In other words: it'll make your life easier. (I don't agree that it does, but that's how it's promoted to women)

I know it'd be more comfortable to assume that women aren't going influenced by the promise of an easier life when it comes to making a choice that has significant implications for their baby's health and development, but it's a bit disingenuous.

That's why we need to maintain the illusion that formula is the 'acceptable norm'....... If we sell women bottle feeding on the basis that it's socially and personally convenient and at the same time let the cat out of the bag about the health risks inherent in artificial feeding..... well.... all hell will be let loose won't it?

And by the way - I don't believe that women selfishly put their baby's health second to their own convenience. The point I made was that most women who choose to bottlefeed have no idea whatsoever that it might have any significant impact on their baby's health and development, basically because the risks of formula feeding are constantly, constantly downplayed by those of us who are primarily preoccupied with protecting the feelings of mothers.

"Also - in a much more practical and immediate way - if there are people reading this thread who can't breastfeed for reasons they're not prepared to shout to the rooftops, they are going to be devastated to think that on top of everything else they have to deal with, casual onlookers are labelling them as selfish."

Oh come on Welliesmum - it's not unreasonable to assume that this might have occurred to them that people were thinking these things before they stumbled across this particular thread......

And there will be people 'in real life' who'll see a bottlefeeding mum and thinks she's made the choice to not to breastfeed for purely selfish reasons. But statistically speaking there will be far larger numbers of people who'll have bottlefed their own babies who'll think nothing of it..... and many other people who know how challenging breastfeeding can be who'll understand the reasons so many are daunted from trying in the first place, or who fall by the wayside after a bad start.

Message withdrawn

Yes, gabymum.

However, I imagine that it's one thing to fret "I wonder if people will think I'm just selfish", and quite another to be told so in that many words on a parenting talkboard.

Happy to be corrected by anyone who's been in that situation and didn't mind other people jumping to conclusions.

oops, sorry, gabygirl not -mum.

Must go. I've clearly bored everyone else on this thread to sleep, but one last point.

I suspect that every single pregnant woman in the UK will have heard that breastfeeding is healthier. However, this simple message isn't terribly useful to an individual. What individuals need to know are things like: what exactly are the risks of formula? How common are they? How serious are they? Does our family have any extra risks?

So that when new mothers encounter problems with breastfeeding - as most do to a greater or lesser extent - they can weigh up the options in a realistic way.

I strongly believe that most women in this situation are at a huge disadvantage because they're having to make an important decision without knowing all the facts - which is why if you search for my name in this forum you'll find me chuntering on endlessly about breastfeeding research.

But information is just that: information. Not rules. Some people know all about the risks of formula and still decide to formula feed. They will have their reasons. Good reasons, bad reasons, it's none of my business to judge and should be none of yours either.

sorry, had to go last night as gaby's oh so patronising post annoyed me so much. I can't remember who said it earlier in the topic when everyone was being so nice, but there is SO MUCH MORE to motherhood than breastfeeding or not. It's just a shame people like gaby don't see that.

bf is of course the healthiest option and even the smallest amount will benefit. so even if you did one week or two weeks whilst you were adjusting and recovering it would benefit. also bf helps you get back into shape. i couldn't excercise for six weeks cos everytime i tried i would start heavy bleeding again. as for bf in public, i didn't go out in public for any proper amount of time for the first two weeks. anyway good luck. remember its up to you but please give him the colostrom for first few days if you can

also its much more knackering to get up and make bottles, and all that washing up!

On a lighter note (and probably the thread killer!) my husband tells me that next time he plans to breastfeed as it is such a marvellous excuse in these first few months to sit on the sofa, watch tv and demand drinks and snacks! Talk about pampered! Good luck

"What individuals need to know are things like: what exactly are the risks of formula? How common are they? How serious are they? Does our family have any extra risks?"

Yes - couldn't agree more. Why do you think these things aren't discussed openly at the moment?

Hmmmmmm..... perhaps it's got something to do with the fact that when anyone dares air this issue they get accused of being 'militant', judgemental or of seeing breastfeeding as the be all and end all of mothering (see puppymonkey's post above - seriously puppymonkey - what I have I said in my post that indicates that I see breastfeeding as the only relevent issue? Or is that just you poisoning the well? Making me out to be unreasonable, unkind and frankly.... stoopid, because lets face it - we all know that mothering is about more than how you feed your baby)

"But information is just that: information. Not rules."

I'm not quite sure why you've said this. Is anyone here saying that there should be rules? Or that there are rules? Don't think so?

"Some people know all about the risks of formula and still decide to formula feed. They will have their reasons. Good reasons, bad reasons, it's none of my business to judge and should be none of yours either."

No - very true, and nobody is implying that we have a right to know about these things in RL. But frankly if you discuss your feeding choices on an internet board I think it's fair to see that you are at least laying the issues open for GENERAL discussion, which is what has happened here.

swmum

I don't want to get drawn in to the rest of the debate on bfing, but like the others just wanted to allay some of your fears about bfing:

-once bfing is established (6 weeks or so) you can happily express milk so you can get a break from feeding

-like daisy, the thought of having to wash, sterilize, make up bottles, leave the water to cool etc. etc. at 2 am fills me with dread! Bfing is sooo much more convenient! You can practically sleep through

-in 9 months of feeding I have never had a negative look or comment about bfing. you just have to have the mindset that you are entitled to feed your baby anywhere

-having your body back? well to an extent even if you don't bf you still might not "get your body back" in that you will probably have a baby surgically attached to you anyway! and once they are old enough to grab, pinch pull your hair, eat your face you pretty much just give yourself over to them anyway (in a delightful way!)

-and this may be extremely selfish but I find bfing a great way to keep dd quiet and out of trouble when I am in company or trying to have a conversation

Seriously though, the best thing is to wait and see how you feel. Breast feeding is obviously the best thing for your child and there are so many advantages. There are advantages to ffing, but most of them are for the mother rather than the child. The best thing you can do if find your nearest bfing group (ask your midwife) and go and have a chat to them, see other women doing it (and having a great time).

How does your partner feel? If you do chose to bf his support will be invaluable to you.

In the meantime you can come on here any time and ask us questions, but the most important thing is that you make the most of these last few child free weeks!

Gabygirl: We do need to talk about the risks of ff, of course we do, and it will for some be a painful discussion. That is not what we are objecting to, though.

You say ff is pushed as making the mother's life easier. But how many of these reasons mean, inversely, that our ff culture makes bfers' lives harder, or seems to imply that they will be harder? 'Anyone can feed your baby' can = a woman whose overbearing MIL is constantly pushing for 'a turn', or who is surrounded by pressure to 'let her dh bond too'. The whole contented-for-longer thing - cf. also routines - has, IMo, a great deal to do with the fact that women are expected to 'function' to full capacity (housework, WOTH, whatever), relatively quickly after the birth rather than taking time to be with their baby responsive to their feeding cues. And public feeding - if it wasn't such an issue nobody would be embarrassed to do it. And then a woman wonderinbg whether to bf might feel ff will make her life easier because of all these daunting messages the prevailing culture gives her about bf. Do you see?

The irony is that once established and if well supported, bf, in most cases, is a lot easier than ff. No faffing around with bottles and sterilising. No lugging equipment around. (Unless expressing, but even then the faff is likely to be less). More spare money for other things. Less chance of disruption to family life through illness. etc.

ggirl, I haven't meade you out to be unreasonable, unkind and unfriendly. You did that all by yourself in your earlier post.