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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Does not wanting to breast feed make me a terrible mother?

140 replies

swmum · 17/03/2008 12:56

The more I think about it the more I just don't want to do it. Baby due in a few weeks and the reality of what is involved in bf has really started to hit me.
Just really don't fancy it - the sore boobs, the constant reliance on me to feed and not dh, the feeding in public thing.
I know to a lot of people these are nothing - not things to concern myself with - but to me they are a real turn off.
I just want my body back to myself as soon as possible.
But I'm worried that makes me a bad, selfish mother. I know all the 'breast is best' stuff and all the stats on it. But I worry it is going to make me so unhappy to have do it.
Does/did anyone else feel this way? Any advice?
Maybe when he arrives I'll feel totally different, but I know myself and I don't see that happening.
Will I really be harming him or putting in place health issues for the future if I don't bf?
As you can tell I'm a bit stressed about this so any words of wisdome would be most welcome!

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 17/03/2008 13:10

Has the reasons to be proud leaflet disappeared?
Any length of time is good! Even one day. Obviously the longer the better but don't assume you have to meet a magic milestone and if you can't it's not even worth bothering.

swmum · 17/03/2008 13:10

Not so sure it's a full on phobia so much as a fear - and prob just of the unknown. Baby due in about four weeks and nipples starting to do funny things now and it's just a bit freaky! For lack of a better word! the big tummy etc hasn't bothered me at all - in fact a love that side of it - but the leaking boobs is a different story.
I know some (actually most) marvel at their ability to feed another human from their own body, but it just freaks me out! Sorry to keep using that word but it really does!

OP posts:
Aitch · 17/03/2008 13:10

good plan, OP. if you make it to 6 weeks, i bet you keep goiing forever... just give it a good shot and don#t be too hard on yourself either way.

Aitch · 17/03/2008 13:11

my friend said the same thing, actually, tehn bf for a year. it's not really another human, it's your baby. i missed my bump when dd was born, bfing felt like she was joining back up with me again, it was nice.

FrannyandZooey · 17/03/2008 13:12

6 weeks would be extremely good indeed! I think it is a very good goal for the early days
Please do try it, at least at first and you may get a surprise at how you feel about it
if not, you have the choice to stop at any time
I am extremely pro breastfeeding both because of the health aspects and because my own experiences with it have been so positive, but I can honestly say feeding is a very very small part of being a parent in the long run

FrannyandZooey · 17/03/2008 13:13
StealthPolarBear · 17/03/2008 13:13

Have you got any friends who are bf? Could you watch them? Go to an NCT event?
Bear in mind this will be your baby! It may seem freaky now but not when it's your baby. Giving your LO your milk is the same as feeding him or her through the placenta - that's how I thought about it.

VictorianPASqualor · 17/03/2008 13:13

Firstly, you are not a bad mother or selfish or any of those things, just human.

I second what everyone says about chilling out for now and seeing how it goes when baby is here.

My experience was that I really wanted to do it, for the health reasons etc but was still quite nervous, especially as I wasn't successful with DD (she was prem and poorly).

I, like you said to myself, how about I just do it for 6 weeks, give the best start in life to my baby, and that was my aim. After I started my aim soon shot down to, 'Ok, we'll feed today and tomorrow and see how it goes, then we'll decide about the day after' I BF til 8months. I only stopped because I was going back to work and baby had started biting me. I loved it. I surprised myself.

I didn't get sore boobs, if you are desperate for a feed to be done by someone else you can express after your milk has got a decent supply going (please ask for advice RE this closer to the time though because it can hinder supply).

It's also nice to be able to just lay down and feed your baby and pass the other things that need doing onto DH/P

Feeding in public, I think we are all a bit wary of, until we do it, I've been on a bus and Ds was crying, I knew he needed feeding and was desperately trying to calm him anyway I could but it wasn't working, after about 10minutes I felt worse about everyone listening to him cry than me feeding, so I picked him up and discreetly fed him. I don't think anyone noticed except maybe a couple of the older ladies near me. The more I did it the more comfortable I got, I always had a pashmina or scarf or blanket or something with me that I could put over my shoulder to cover us up if I felt too aware of it.

HTH.

GColdtimer · 17/03/2008 13:13

everything is so overwhelming and scary when you are hurtling towards your due date. The thing is, the whole thing about feeding anothr human from your body seems odd to you now because you don't know your baby. When you have him or her, it may well feel like the most natural thing in the world. That is why there is no point stressing about it now - just see what happens.

VictorianPASqualor · 17/03/2008 13:15

SPB, NCT have moved their whole bloody site around
I can't find anything on there anymore!

swmum · 17/03/2008 13:15

Thanks so much for all the support and reasurance ladies. I feel much more positive now. Funny how just writing things down helps doesn't it? And just knowing your not the only one who feels a certain way or has worried about something.
Not matter how I feed him I know I will adore this baby and I think that's the most important thing I reckon.

OP posts:
tinylady · 17/03/2008 13:16

It was amazing for me, swmum, to see my baby latch on for the first time, straight after birth. It was so instinctive for both of us.

It doesn't sound like you have a phobia to me, either- I just think we are so disengaged and out of tune with our female instincts that it seems like a wierd thing to do- like when you start thinking everyone came into the world the same way etc
I think you should def try it

StealthPolarBear · 17/03/2008 13:17

I could be wrong but I think they are now selling Reasons... posters so have removed the leaflet
Glad you are feeling more positive swmum. Definitely don't make any hard and fast decisions either way. Good luck for the birth!

lilyelodie · 17/03/2008 13:18

The absolutely most important thing is that you do what feels right for you. I have 2 boys, both fed for 2-3 weeks and then decided to stop. First one i totally beat myself up over, second i still had to make a conscious effort not to but managed to take it more in my stride. I am now (scarily) expecting no 3 and have finally relaxed about the whole thing.
Please don't put any pressure on yourself that will diminish your enjoyment of your time with your baby - as long as they are fed and happy that is what is important.

FrannyandZooey · 17/03/2008 13:19

you know, a terrible mother wouldn't give a toss about any of this swmum
you are thinking it over and trying to make the best decision

StealthPolarBear · 17/03/2008 13:20

too right F&Z

swmum · 17/03/2008 13:23

Thanks Franny - never thought about it that way till now! You've made me feel much better - you all have!
Talking of feeding - off to have some lunch now myself. Think some cake might be in order after all that stressing! Who says comfort food doesn't work?!

OP posts:
chickytwotimes · 17/03/2008 13:25

swmum, the other posters are right - you do what's best for all of you. Before I had a baby, i was very judgemental when i saw mums with bottles . Then I tried it and it was a disaster, btu more so because I felt so guilty and had been so mean in judging others. Do what feels right, whether it's no bf, one bf or all bf! we all know how great bf can be and that it's the best for baby, but in the long term it is only a small part of being a parent. All the best!

Blu · 17/03/2008 13:33

I breast fed for very selfish reasons! Namely:

It gets your weight right back down v quickly - no matter how much you eat (it seemed to me!)

And it helps your tummy pull back in for some hormonal reason that I can't quite explain - to do with your uterus contracting or something.

Also because I couldn't be arsed with all that sterilising and measuring etc etc.

call me a very selfish mother!

Open mind and seeing how you go sounds very sensible and the best of both worlds

tinylady · 17/03/2008 13:46

Of course b/feeding is preferable

CoteDAzur · 17/03/2008 13:49

After the messy freakshow that is childbirth, you might find breastfeed much less 'freaky'

glamourbadger · 17/03/2008 13:55

You have to do what feels right for you. Happy mum = happy baby = happy family.

I never got on with breastfeeding and really put myself through the mill over it. I felt trapped and after a terrible pregnancy I just wanted my body back. Giving up after 2 months of expressing was the right move for me and my babies. Looking back it is not a decision I regret, it was right for us all at the time.

You might change your mind when your baby arrives, why not give it a go and see how you feel when the time comes? Having a baby is such a crazy experience, I think you just have to go with the flow and do what comes naturally.

FioFio · 17/03/2008 13:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Mungarra · 17/03/2008 16:50

I think you may feel differently when the baby is born. When it's a baby in your arms, you may feel different about the idea of feeding them and you may be happy about being with them all the time.

I wasn't keen on the idea before I had my first child and only planned to do it for a week or two. I ended up doing if for 4 months because it quite suited me. I've also breastfed my next two and am still feeding my third.

gabygirl · 17/03/2008 17:04

swmum - it's completely understandible that you have these feelings about breastfeeding. All it makes you is typical -most women in this country have very little exposure to unselfconscious, easy breastfeeding as part of their normal life experience. It's just a shame we are expected to make such an important decision on behalf of our babies from that position, before our natural mothering instincts have really had a chance to kick in.

I think all the advice on this thread to wait and see how you feel when you meet your baby. Like other people here - I have known mums to change their minds about breastfeeding after the birth when they've felt and seen their babies crawl up towards their breast after birth and latch on to feed. Intinct often just kicks in - for mothers and babies if they're given a chance to have that precious skin to skin contact for a reasonable period after the birth.

Have to say, on another note, and not directly to the OP but in response to some of the other posts here (and I'm sorry if this annoys people): when it comes to 'doing what's best for us and our babies' - I do have a bit of a problem with this phrase, which I've seen bandied around a lot with very little thought given to what it really signifies.

It seems to me that it's based on an assumption that if we don't want to breastfeed then must be best for our babies that we don't do it. I can't see how this works given that breastfeeding has hard benefits for babies in health and developmental terms. And why is it seen as so subversive to turn this phrase around and argue that as long as our babies are getting what they really want (which lets face it is going to be breastmilk - what baby would knowingly choose formula over the real thing, on health grounds or on grounds of taste or aesthetics ?), then we'll be happy?

I suppose people must feel that if you find breastfeeding difficult or unpleasant in any way then you'll someone transmit your frustration and your unhappiness with breastfeeding to your baby and that the damage this does in emotional and psychological terms somehow outweighs all the proven health/emotional/developmental benefits that come with breastfeeding.

Personally I can't accept that the mechanism is that simple. I know mums who've bottlefed who've struggled bottlefeeding because they've become anxious about the sterilising/cleaning issues, babies who feed slowly/are always constipated/very sicky etc. I also know bf mums who've really struggled with breastfeeding physically and emotionally but who've ploughed on from a conviction that breastfeeding has such important health benefits for their babies and that the few months that they had to do it was such a short time out of their lives, compared to the lifetime of benefits that they were giving to their child. Would you look at women in these situations and think - your negative feelings about your method of feeding are damaging your baby? Babies aren't mind readers! Unless you take your negative feelings about how you are feeding them out on your baby they really aren't going to know that you find breastfeeding embarrassing/painful/a bit of a tie or that you find bottlefeeding a pain in the arse.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not suggesting that we should go through life being martyrs to our children, or that women who develop PND because of unresolved breastfeeding issues should just plough on regardless. I do think that PND can be very damaging for mums and babies, and I accept that breastfeeding problems and anxieties are sometimes implicated in it. All I'm saying is that you don't have to LOVE breastfeeding or even particularly enjoy it for your baby to reap the benefits. There are lots of aspects of looking after a baby that are hard and not particularly enjoyable, but mostly we accept that we just have to take the rough with the smooth - that it's part of the mothering package. There's a long distance between finding breastfeeding a chore, and feeling utterly depressed and overwhelmed by breastfeeding problems to the point where it's affecting your relationship with your child.