Does not wanting to breast feed make me a terrible mother?

[swmum]

The more I think about it the more I just don't want to do it. Baby due in a few weeks and the reality of what is involved in bf has really started to hit me.
Just really don't fancy it - the sore boobs, the constant reliance on me to feed and not dh, the feeding in public thing.
I know to a lot of people these are nothing - not things to concern myself with - but to me they are a real turn off.
I just want my body back to myself as soon as possible.
But I'm worried that makes me a bad, selfish mother. I know all the 'breast is best' stuff and all the stats on it. But I worry it is going to make me so unhappy to have do it.
Does/did anyone else feel this way? Any advice?
Maybe when he arrives I'll feel totally different, but I know myself and I don't see that happening.
Will I really be harming him or putting in place health issues for the future if I don't bf?
As you can tell I'm a bit stressed about this so any words of wisdome would be most welcome!

I can see that ggirl's opinion isn't exactly p.c but it's her opinion and and this is a forum so why shouldn't she say what she believes? the op posed a question and it's interesting and different to read a response that isn't just of the tone 'do what feels right and it will be best for you and baby'

actually, i hav e to agree with a lot of what gaby saysl

she isn't having a go at people who have terrible prbs breastfeeding and then give up,
she is talking about people who don't feed because it doesn't suit them.

formula IS a "suboptimal" food for a baby. and formula fed babies ARE more likely to be ill etc etc etc
it makes no difference how many people come on with anecdotal evidence that their kids are ok.

and I bottle fed my first, so please don't think that I am a militant lactivist, because i'm not.
but I do think that when you become a mum, you put your baby;s nees first. And not doing something that is proven to benefit them hugely njust because you don't fancy it is well, it's pretty selfish isn't it?

no-one is saying that everyone should do it regardless of things like PND. but to not even have a go despite knowing it's the best thing for your baby????

btw forgot to add, swmum i reckon that giving it a go and seeing how you do is a great idea.
when you get that baby you'll find you want to do EVERYTHING you possibly can to give it the best start possible. breastfeeding may not work out for you, but I hope it does, because when it is going well it's truly a wonderful experience

Aitch I think that quite a lot of women do give up breastfeeding because they don't like feeding in public or find breastfeeding too much of a bind. I know loads of mothers in this boat, which I find a bit sad tbh - not everyone who gives up feels guilty.
Not saying they should - but equally we are kidding ourselves if we believe that formula comes anywhere close to breastmilk in terms of health issues.

Well, I don't personally agree with "do what feels right and it will be best for you and baby" as a slogan, but I still think it's monstrous to suggest that people who don't breastfeed place a greater importance on lie-ins than on their children's health.

welliemum no-one is suggesting that all women who don't breastfeed feel like that. in fact, I am sure it's a tiny minority. But some do. and yes, I think that's very selfish

Can we ever have one of these threads without people finger-pointing?!

FFS!

She needs support here.

I wouldn't have considered BF DD2 without the helpful people on here.

And gaby and fingerwoman, you're not helping.

babyinacorner, that wasn't exactly the tone of this thread. The op started off saying she didn't want to do it and by the time she left she had felt listened to and supported and thought that she would give it a go. A good result for everyone I would have though.

Then, someone comes on in their size 9s a sticks a spanner in the works where it wasn't necessary. IMO.

what she needs is all the information available so that she can make an informed decision.

I haven't said I think she is a terrible mother, I have simply agreed with the sentiments of another poster. not specifically aimed at swmum I didn't think??

and if you read my add-on post I said that I thought trying it to see how she feels is a great idea.

But fingerwoman, making generalisations as gabygirl has done is hugely insulting, because unless she hedged it about with all sorts of qualifications (which she didn't), she's strongly suggesting that this is common or even the norm.

Rightly or wrongly, anyone who chose not to breastfeed because of their circumstances is going to feel judged by that post.

I have come in abit late but wanted to say you need to do what you feel is right for you and your situation.

I still BF DD 18m but I would never judge anyone for choosing a different route. I do not walk in your shoes.

Think of it like you should think of a Birth plan - the ideal situation and then what will happen in reality are often different. If you go into Parenthood with a fairly open mind you will find your own way. The support of MN is of course invaluable in those decisions

Personally I found that first BF wonderful. She latched brilliantly first time and fed for an hour, I was so lucky. I think that inspired me to carry on - a kind of a sign??

Good Luck with the Birth of your LO. x

do you know what, i'm not bothering to get into this. i am fucking deeeeeelighted for women who don't feel guilty about not bfing, i wish i was one of them.

given that the op was feeling happier and better supported about the whole thing (which might very well encourage her to keep going if things do get tough) i think that the recent turn of the thread (a mini-play, ffs, and what a work of fiction it was) may prove to be counter-productive. i really hope not.

I don't agree actually. so we'll have to agree to disagree I guess.
I think it's very easy to take things out of context on the internet though. it's very easy to read too much into what someone is saying (and vice versa of course)

without getting into the ff/bf debate, can i suggest you go to your local baby cafe and chat to bf mums in rl. i went to my local support group before i had dd 10 years ago, and found chatting to other mums who were already bf v reassuring. above all, keep an open mind, and the all the very best wishes for you, and your baby when s/he is born, whatever you decide to do. hope all goes well xxx

that's a really good idea dotsie

Someone else may have said this but on the topic of getting your body back... well in my experience it did have quite an effect on my body in terms of things like libido BUT my god it helped me shift the baby weight!
It didn't really kick in until about 5-6 months when DS was obviously getting very hungry but the weight just fell off and I went down to 8'5 which was about 12lb lighter than my pre-preg weight. DS is now 14 mo and I'm still about half a stone lighter than before I had him.

Oh I agree completely that on the internet it's easy to read your own stuff into a statement - which was my point, I think - that the post was badly written because it was guaranteed to be taken the "wrong" (probably unintended) way.

swmum
I think your attitude is admirable- you feel ambivalent about bf and it's courageous to admit that, yet you're preparing to give it a go. Good on you!

When I was in labour, transferring from my abandoned homebirth to the hospital, I was so focussed on getting on with the birth that I would merrily have walked from my house to the car stark naked, giving the neighbours and passing traffic quite an eyeful. (fortunately my dh hastily preserved my dignity)

Not something I would otherwise have considered appropriate, I promise you.

The thing is, at those critical, huge, overwhelming moments in life, your instincts can be surprisingly strong, and completely overwhelm any previous concepts of 'normal' or 'appealing'. I can't explain my fierce desire to breastfeed my baby, but it was there when she was born, and if I'm truthful, the main reason I do it is because I feel a fierce internal drive to do it, and also, I love the experience, and how my baby seems to need it, to need me.

Everyone feels differently, naturally. But please know, that it can sometimes be completely bloody amazing and wonderful and lump-in-the-throat marvellous. I'm hoping for you, that when you try it, you love it.

Good luck for the birth swmum!

Oh, and to answer your OP...

You are NOT selfish!

If you choose not to BF you are not a bad mother.I did not BF by choice.Lots of reasons none to do with me thinking weird or anything like that.I think it comes easier to some than others and if it doesnt come easy then it can be very hard.I had terrible illness throughout my pregnancies and then had sections so did not get milk till day 5 and could not bear the thought of my dcs screaming in hunger till then so I reached for the bottle and never looked back,no regrets.

Good luck with your baby.You will be a fab mum whether you bf or not
x

gabygirl, fingerwoman - you may say your comments are not aimed at those who tried to bf and for whom it didn't work out. I think what you're missing is that not-bfing is hardly ever (I assume) going to be a decision purely about the mother's convenience.

We live in a bottle-feeding culture. Yes we do, and Breast is Best posters wall-to-wall on every clinic in the land won't change that. Bf in public is an enormous issue, women are talked nto believing they need to hide away in 'facilities', some women are openly given a hard time. Families in which two or even three generations have ff may reject the idea of their family member bfing for a range of complex reasons. There is not much support around for a woman who feels she wants to undertake being her baby's sole food source - if family members offer to give the mother a 'break', they often mean the feeding (from a bottle) and not the housework - there is often pressure to 'get your life back', and little support for the mother to recuperate from the birth and feel able to concentrate on bf. Then the simplistic 'breast is best' message comes and does two things: 1) makes the woman considering not-bf feel guilty, disheartened - and disheartenedness is a very hard state when going through the sometimes rocky process of establishing bf - and 2) feels paradoically both 'permitted' not top try - because, after all, we can't all achieve the best - and a 'bad mother' for not trying.

The advice on this thread - to give it a go, with the option of stopping always there - is spot on. Nobody has said ff does not have disadvantages, for herself and the baby - I think the OP knows that. But what they have done is encourage her to remain open to it - a gentle corrective to our non-conducive-to-bf societal 'atmosphere'. Anything reminiscent of lecturing, or implication of 'selfishness', is not only hurtful, but counter-productive. Sensitivity and kindness in this area has nothing to do with 'political correctness'.

GREAT post, berolina!

LOL at would-be streaker vlc all set to stop the traffic. It's true though, your sense of modesty and personal space and your own body and all that does get pulverised by labour - and then by the fact of having a baby.

I doubt if anyone truly can predict what it'll be like for them before it happens.

< wild applause for berolina >