how do you ask how someone is feeding their baby? or is it best not to?

[milkgoddess]

hi, yes i bumped into a really nice girl who lives on my street today, lovely wee new baby.we got chatting as i had my 8 month old with me, but i felt like i couldn't ask her if she was breastfeeding incase i upset her if she wasn't.
anyway my point is is there ever an acceptable way to ask or is it a bit rude ?

I remember whant I was stuglling int he early months another lady with an older child saying that it takes at least 8 weeks to get it establsihed - without offering any other unsolicited advice. That was immensley comforting.

ive thought it over and im gonna go with t he hows the feeding going.

But start with some small talk first obviously!

I would never ask. I always thought it was really strange when other people asked me about sleeping or feeding when mine were babies. Why would you be interested?

I wish people would talk about it more openly without any of this worry or offence. If breast feeding were talked about without embarassment more freely then those that are stuggling might be able to access help more easily instead of getting stressed and giving in. It is an odd society we live in where women don't feel free to talk about feeding their babies with others.

I still think it's incredibly nosey tbh. But fair enough some people have admitted that - whatever floats your boat! And as some posters are able to offer professional help, that's fair enough for them to raise the issue too I s'pose.

I wouldn't ask anyone just having met them in the street like that. Maybe invite them round for a cuppa later with baby - and it would soon become obvious how they were feeding the tot. And then it'd sort of crop up more naturally if she had trouble with bf etc cos you'd be seeing her try to do it? or not as the case may be.

Shaddup Puppy.

I agree - for posters who are able to offer advice then it's sensible to ask the question. No one would want my advice particularly, so I would prefer to avoid any questions that would cause the person on the receiving end to think I was sticking my nose in!

I often ask - it seems relevant to me when people mention things like sleeping disruption and poo and all sorts really. I don't think I'm that nosy, it just gives a bit of context. It hadn't ever occured to me that it might upset someone.

You're all able to offer advice. If you're out of your depth if someone pours out their heart to you, you can be sympathetic, you can give them the numbers of breastfeeding helplines (did you all see there's a a new number to call, a Government-sponsored one?), you can tell them about MN, you can talk to them about how hard it can be at the start, both physically and emotionally - and how difficult it can be to know you're taking the right advice - obviously not in a big splurge like that - sensitively and only if they are happy to talk, but if you don't ask, you won't get the opportunity to discuss it.

And we need more people talking about infant feeding, sensitively - there's too much sweeping it under the carpet and not saying anything "in case you make women feel guilty" - well, if nobody ever talks about it, generations of women will hit the same problems many of us have hit - and nothing will ever change!

I totally agree with hunker, I totally agree on offering "support" (which can only be offering a sympathetic "ear") to all the difficulties a new mother can encounter (my first ds for instance cried for the first three months of his life, I was desperate to talk to someone). I honestly can't believe that there are so many people around who ask things only to judge. I don't want to.

Like botbot and organicbirthdaycake I didn't manage to bf and was really devastated about it for months. I would have been happy with "how's feeding going?" however, anyone asking that should be aware that the woman they're asking might have problems, might feel terribly upset about things etc. I would have loved to have the chance to get chatting/go for a coffee with someone on my own street on the basis of babies. However she was feeding.

If her neighbour's struggling and hasn't given up or been forced into giving up then support, sympathy, suggestions on where else to go, eg local breastfeeding group or local services, could make all the difference.

Have you chatted to her yet? I'd love to know how it goes!

I asked someone the other day if they were bf (I had an inkling they did) and afterwards, before they answered, I did think should I have asked.. I asked as I was really upset about my visit to the baby clinic the day before due to HV and someone commenting on how small ds was.. and as this lady I asked has a son born the day before mine, guess I wanted to know how things were for her and if she had any issues like me then maybe we could have supported each other, luckily for her things were going well.. which on reflection things are ok for me.. I just lack confidence recently

Agree with hunkermunker too.. I find it a bit odd as ds1 was ff, and now with ds2 have hit the 6 week mark of bfeeding.. I find myself feeling defensive when ffeeding mums talk about bf issues/mums, yet understand from their side too.

I find myself always mentioning the fact ds1 was ff, and I find others always saying why they feed ff too.. I really don't need to know.. but it's such an emotive subject, I imagine every one feels they need to explain their situation.. but why? As mums we know our OWN babies/situation, who gives a hoot as long as baby and mum are doing ok, that's the most important.. (bit tipsy.. hope it makes sense.)

Oh I stand by what I said before. I think its a rather intrusive question to ask someone in the street, at least invite her in for a coffee first . I think I knew within about an hour how all my friends were feeding their babies, I just don't think its necessary to ask. But as I say, I have a new baby and don't especially like being asked.

You know what though? milkgoddess is going to, very tactfully, say something to this woman and she is going to say "oh YES, I am a fully paid up member of LaLecheLeague as was my mother and grandmother before me...have YOU got any questions?"

to the op I think its best to ask a more general question rather than ask outright

I had a lot of difficulties bf and actually didnt do it for that long (6 months)I also found it very hard in general with a newborn, especially my first. It would have been great to chat to someone about it and get advice aupport from another mum who has been there.

I feel very much that now people are so (or will be) so worried about asking new mums anything about how baby is feeding/sleeping/nappies/ etc because of the risk that they might offend someone they dont or wont ask anything, which gives the impression they are not interested and dont care. I am sure most new mums are happy when someone takes an interest.

Marmaduke, don't be cross

I did not accuse you of saying anything to your friend, but you did judge her, even if you kept that judgement to yourself.

You can 'retaliate' by judging, even if you don't vocalise it.

And the judging, I believe, is wrong.

I'm begginning to think it is a question of character. I have been accused of being cagey in the past.
I disagree tiktok, "how's the feeding going" can be an inappropriate question to ask, all the more if you know there maybe some problems with it that the other person may not want to discuss with a virtual stranger.
Before being a mum, ie before knowing anything about breast versus bottle, it would never occured to me to ask that. I didn't have to make a conscious effort to not-ask. I was just not interested!!! why would I be????
After being a mum, and knowing how some people struggle and have problems with BF, I still don't ask: because 1) it would be unwelcome 2)I am still not interested.
Sorry, that's how I am. Plenty of other things to talk about with a woman holding a baby, thank god.

Agree with other posters re neutral question to ask to which person can respond as they want. If we get to the stage where we are afraid to ask then bf will be talked about even less than it is now and that is part of the problem that it isn't talked about enough. I would have been glad if someone asked me and was interest and maybe I would have carried on for longer than 5 months with my first, for me personally I would have probably carried on longer out of guilt which at least may have got me through til it got easier as it was I felt ff was the norm by those around me. Opinions can be given and if enough are given then an individual can then weigh them up and decide for themselves. Maybe that's a funny thing to say but sometimes I wish people weren't so afraid of staying stuff, if it's valid info.

If a neighbour said to me: "oh, hello, How are you doing bla bla, btw I am a BF support professional. I don't know how you are feeding your baby, but if you are BF and need any help give us a shout", I would welcome that more than "how's the feeding going". At least, it wouldn't be a question, just an offer that does not require any input from me, and comes from someone with a genuine interest.

Sweeney, if you are not interested then of course you won't want to ask.....it's not compulsory, and as you say, there's plenty else to talk about

It beats me why you would think the other stuff is, presumably, 'interesting', and yet feeding and how it's going is not of any interest to you at all...when feeding (however it's done) is so fundamental to the daily (and nightly) life of a new mother and crucial to the well-being of the baby.

But as I say, if you are not interested, then you're not interested.

Some of us are - and don't regard a neutral question as intrusive, because by its very openess, it puts the ball in the mother's court. If she wants to talk, she can. If she doesn't, she doesn't have to say anything but 'fine' or 'we're coping ok' or even 'it's difficult, but we're getting through'....up to her

Now I am totally gobsmacked....the only person allowed (in Sweeney's book) to mention the topic at all is a 'breastfeeding support professional' . Whatever that is....

Dear me.

What happened to friendly support from pals and neighbours and relatives?

We really are a sad society if mothers and others can't show concern and interest, because it should only be left to 'breastfeeding support professionals' to even bring the subject up.

If we have bfed our own baby does that make us a bfing professional? I consider myself to be quite an expert! Or at least I could offer some valid advice having spent 8 months doing it everyday!

That's true, tiktok, the mum can say all those things if she doesn't want to talk, but why put her in that situation in the first place, especially when it's someone you don't know that well?
I am sorry to sound cold-hearted about not being interested in how my neighbour feeds her baby. I always liked it when i got people talking to me about other non-baby or non-baby-feeding-pooing-sleeping related things. Very refreshing, after all day at home or meeting other new mums or at baby groups.
I also tend to assume that other people are like me: they talk when they want to talk and to whom they want to talk to, unless they are friends, in which case I will try to make them talk if I think they need to or suspect some problem where I can be of help. As I said, it may be a question of character.