Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

how do you ask how someone is feeding their baby? or is it best not to?

146 replies

milkgoddess · 28/02/2008 14:51

hi, yes i bumped into a really nice girl who lives on my street today, lovely wee new baby.we got chatting as i had my 8 month old with me, but i felt like i couldn't ask her if she was breastfeeding incase i upset her if she wasn't.
anyway my point is is there ever an acceptable way to ask or is it a bit rude ?

OP posts:
InLoveWithSweenyTodd · 28/02/2008 16:48

It's just something that would never ever cross my mind to ask someone. Do you ask a stranger (except on MM of course) what she's doing for dinner for her 5 year old???

MadamePlatypus · 28/02/2008 16:49

I would be interested in knowing because it would stop me from saying something tactless later on.

BabiesEverywhere · 28/02/2008 16:49

FioFio, Too right...Mostly is a better word to use.

I admit I didn't think that some breastfeeding mothers would rather formula feed but I guess it happens sometimes.

WiiMii · 28/02/2008 16:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hunkermunker · 28/02/2008 16:51

ILWST, no, but I don't think there are many women who find that making dinner for their 5yo gives them sore nipples.

meemar · 28/02/2008 16:52

I don't think it's intrusive to ask about feeding. It's just conversational.

New babies do only 3 things:
Feed
Sleep
Poo

Questions to ask about them are limited

InLoveWithSweenyTodd · 28/02/2008 16:52

What is the problem with waiting to see what the other person says? Just wait, she will say something and you will find out. If she doesn't, just let it be.

hunkermunker · 28/02/2008 16:53

Am so tempted to cross-reference the "why do you care" posters with those who post "don't let anyone make you feel guilty for ffing" on other threads, but I won't

francagoestohollywood · 28/02/2008 16:53

yes, but milkgoddess and her neighbour have tiny babies. They are going out for coffees. They will:
a) discuss the US elections
b) talk babies
c) talk about the weather.
As a new mother I would have probably chosen b). Talking babies involves discussing about their stools, their sleep patterns and how they feed. So "how's the feeding going" is a totally appropriate question.

Lazycow · 28/02/2008 16:53

Well I personally am interested because I'm a nosy cow (as well as a lazy one). I just like to talk about stuff and if I see someone with a new baby then I like talking about them. I always have even pre-ds

So for me asking how the feeding, sleeping is going is just an opening for a chat and may provide me the opportunity to coo over a baby if the mother is willing.

As someone who breastfed for quite along time (2 years) but who pretty much loathed the whole experience and who would consider bottle feeding next time, I can safely say I would make no judgements whatsoever.

I would however be very happy if I could provide a shoulder to cry or laugh on. I'd also be very happy to pass on any pro-breastfeeding tips (mostly learned on MN) IF ASKED. I wouldn't ask directly how someone is feeding their baby as I know how sensitive it can be.

hunkermunker · 28/02/2008 16:54

ILWST, lots of new mums don't ask for help.

What's wrong with asking a neutral question as an opener and letting the other woman decide how much to tell you?

francagoestohollywood · 28/02/2008 16:55

x posted meemar

InLoveWithSweenyTodd · 28/02/2008 16:56

All the more reason to wait and see what the mum wants to say about feeding, hunker.

hunkermunker · 28/02/2008 16:56

Also, a lot of new mums don't realise they're experiencing problems that have solutions, esp wrt bfing. I will elaborate on that more later if required.

FioFio · 28/02/2008 16:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MadamePlatypus · 28/02/2008 16:58

Newborns don't do much more than eat, sleep, fill their nappies and cry IME. You can't really start up a conversation about which school they go to (which is the standard question for 5 year olds, which I admit may annoy people doing HE).

Although you probably could talk about which school they were down for if they were very posh.

organicbirthdaycake · 28/02/2008 17:00

I'm a 'failed' breastfeeder and absolutely hated (and still do) being asked about how I was feeding my children. I was desperate to give them the best start by bf and despite all my efforts and all the help I received they failed to put on any weight but jsut continued to lose. I then had to ff and listen to some other mothers in RL and on MN comparing formula to 'poison' and expressing disbelief that any mother could give that to their child. I also felt very embarassed having to get out a bottle when every other mother was bf. Not everyone passed comment by any means but when you're feeling upset and sensitive about something then this is the effect it has. I may be in a minority but I suppose that I'm saying that I would prefer that no-one asked and that it'll become apparent how a mother is feeding her dc if you spend any time with her at all. I'd have been fine with the question if I'd been bf.

BabiesEverywhere · 28/02/2008 17:00

Hunker, Or think they have problems which are just normal in breastfed babies. i.e. Thinking they don't have enough milk because of cluster feeding or comfort feeding in the evening.

InLoveWithSweenyTodd · 28/02/2008 17:00

lol hunker my, ahem, evil twin bonitaMia intervened on a similar thread last year... I have changed my name but not my views. Still think it is intrusive, sorry. Having said that, at least you, hunker, have somthing to offer after asking. Most people would just ask and do nothing with that info, except judge or feel jealous or smug, depending on the case. Why oh why...

InLoveWithSweenyTodd · 28/02/2008 17:03

I think some people, BF or BB, really don't like talking about those things. They are very personal.

tiktok · 28/02/2008 17:04

Sweeney - are you listening or not? Most of us agree that a direct question 'are you breastfeeding?' is to be avoided. We are now discussing whether the neutral 'how's the feeding going?' is acceptable - surely you don't think that's intrusive?

Of course I don't think people should be judged on their answer!

hunkermunker · 28/02/2008 17:07

Can I just reiterate that the question I would ask is "how is feeding going?" not "how are you feeding your baby, let me judge the fuck out of you"?

Lazycow · 28/02/2008 17:08

I understand that many people feel sensitive about how they are feeding their babies but I really do think that it is geeting ridiculous if an innocuous question like 'How is the feeding going?' is considered insensitive or intrusive.

InLoveWithSweenyTodd · 28/02/2008 17:08

tiktok, the "how's the feeding going" for me is a strange question to ask. It is obviously going well, by wichever method, since baby is alive and well. Again, you don't ask how's the feeding of you 11-year-old going. What an odd question to ask to a stranger just because you both are mums. That's all you have in common, being mums.

organicbirthdaycake · 28/02/2008 17:09

I probably wouldn't mind 'how's the feeding goin?' so much because I can decide whether just to say 'fine' or say more. I'll admit that I am very touchy on this subject though.