how do you ask how someone is feeding their baby? or is it best not to?

[milkgoddess]

hi, yes i bumped into a really nice girl who lives on my street today, lovely wee new baby.we got chatting as i had my 8 month old with me, but i felt like i couldn't ask her if she was breastfeeding incase i upset her if she wasn't.
anyway my point is is there ever an acceptable way to ask or is it a bit rude ?

Stleger, why would you ask a mother with a new baby how weaning is going??????

I think a low-key, conversational 'how's the feeding going?' is fine, and I was so, so upset about failed breastfeeding I'm a prime candidate for the sort of person who might have been offended.

Mind you, if you'd asked me the question, you would have been subjected to a tearful rant about how unfair it all is, and why can't I do it, etc etc etc. So watch your step!

I don't think it is a conversational thing, I'm afraid.

I say this as someone with a new baby. People ask you all sorts of actually quite intrusive questions (one mother at the playground today said "and how's the bleeding?" ). I am quite a private person and I don't like it.

Women often have real feelings of faliure around bfding. Its a raw subject and one that I'd really avoid bringing up. Invite her in for a coffee, get to know her, mention that YOU bf, and let HER come to you if she wants to.

Well, the general discussion between new mothers revolves around how often they poo, how long they sleep for, how much they feed etc, therefore it doesn't surprise me if one of the first things to be explored is how you feed your baby. It never occurred to me that you could actually offend someone by being interested in what they do and how are things going, and offering support and sympathy if needed (or asked for)

"they" are obviously the babies, not the mothers

I don't think I'd be offended if someone asked me how I was feeding my newborn (I ff by the way). Lots of people did ask me and I wasn't at all embarrassed or riddled with incredible shame to tell them what I was doing.

Might depend on how they asked and what they said after...!

Isn't it just a bit nosy of you though?

Because I swopped the babies.

I think stledger was suggesting an even more controversial question!
I did ask a friend who is pregnant - I am lending her some books and wanted to know if she wanted the breastfeeding ones. She said she didn't know whether she would, and asked me a load of questions about it.
I can kind of see both sides - it's part of the new baby thing, after all, it's no-one else's business what kind of birth you had or how much the baby weighed, but people want to know! On the other hand it is an loaded question - either answer could be judged.
I also hate the phrase "feeding him yourself", if I had the courage I'd answer, no, I hired a wet nurse.

Eh? I think I've missed something stleger??

Feeding baby yourself is almost as good as Americans who nurse. It is a kind thought that if you can help a new mother out you would, though. (Early weaning is what I specialise in!)

Very confused now...

It may be a cliche, but if you aren't going to ask how feeding is going, what other neutral stuff is there to ask about? Sleeping? Nappies? If the question is asked as Tiktok suggests you can always just answer fine and change the subject.

I didn't at all mind people asking how I was feeding but hated people then going on to question why I stopped BF early, particularly from people who did not have children. Would have loved some hints / tips in the first couple of months really. Didn't have much help from MW/HV and wrongly advised re medicines.

"Women often have real feelings of faliure around bfding. Its a raw subject and one that I'd really avoid bringing up"
But if the subject of feeding was raised (with tact) more frequently, than more struggling mothers would get the support they need, hence avoiding possible feeling of failure.

After all those mothers who choose to FF or BF are all happy with their feeding path. It is only women who wished to BF and ended up FF against their wishes that feel bad.

I think it depends if you are likely to judge her on it - if so, avoid the topic completely!

I like being asked by elderly ladies if I am 'feeding him myself' as they only seem to follow it with a 'Oh that's lovely dear'!

...and then 'I fed my three, bla bla' which is always interesting to hear about.

I might've asked conversationally once upon a time. I don't have strong feelings either way btw.

However that was pre Mumsnet. I wouldn't now. Not bloody likely. I don't think it's rude but it's a much more sensitive issue than I ever thought it was.

TBH I think it is often raised just as something to say, like pregnant women are also asked 'Do you know what you are having ?' and 'Your bump is big/small ?'

The OP wished to raise the subject out of personal interest and in the hope of being supportive if the new mother was also breastfeeding. A local supportive ear could make all the difference in the world to the other mother.

There is always an option where you just listen to what the other person has to say without making a judgement, and offer advice if asked.

I ask. Because I know how horrifically people feel if it's not going well and I know where they can get help if they need it.

Why shouldn't you ask? A neutral question such as "How's feeding going?" (which is what I say) really shouldn't cause offence - I've never found it has and I have often helped women who are struggling.

Nice to see that a lot of you feel the same and want to help

I would find it intrusive if a non-friend would ask me how i am or will be feeding my baby. There's plenty of other topics for small talk about babies.
Why would you want to know??? I mean, really...

It is possible not to judge, you know - just to have a great empathy for women and a desire to support them.

You're not asking how they're feeding. Just how feeding is going. I know enough to answer bottlefeeding queries too, if that's the choice of the woman.

Would never occur to me to ask, but I agree - 'how's the feeding going' allows people to give a brief answer and close the subject, or start up a conversation.