how do you ask how someone is feeding their baby? or is it best not to?

[milkgoddess]

hi, yes i bumped into a really nice girl who lives on my street today, lovely wee new baby.we got chatting as i had my 8 month old with me, but i felt like i couldn't ask her if she was breastfeeding incase i upset her if she wasn't.
anyway my point is is there ever an acceptable way to ask or is it a bit rude ?

Calm down, no need to swear.

I'm often annoyed at myself that I am scared to ask.

The reason I would like to know?: because if they are breatfeeding and struggling, I'd be happy to share my experience and provide support.

this is the equivalent at having gone through a breakup and, having some experience about it, you ask an acquaintance, "how is your marriage going?", in case it is not going well and you can help.

BE, yes, that too - that's really important too - to say "That's normal, if you'd like me to entertain your older child/make you a cup of tea while you feed, I will, you're doing a brilliant job, I have a sling you can borrow if that would help" etc, etc. It's about ways of solving what seem to be problems without giving formula - because when women want to bfeed, why is formula so often touted as the "answer"?

I peronsally think that "Howi sthe feeding going" is a neutral question that shouldn't casue offence. However, espceically here in the West of Scoltand, where so many bottle feed from very early on I am not confident even asking that and just avoid the subject.

I'll only raise the subject if they actaully either start breast feeding in front of me or rasie the subject themselves.

Oh, I'm calm. I just swear a lot

"because when women want to bfeed, why is formula so often touted as the "answer"?"

TBH I find shoving formula at a mother who wants to breastfeed, as rude as offering a known vegetarian a steak for tea.

fio Fio - then you would have done them a favour by reminding them

Well, then you could judge them for that instead fio

I would have been very short of topics if I couldn't have discussed my baby's feeding patterns to be honest. I do realise that feeding a baby can be a sensitive subject matter, but so many are, how are we going to get to know other people if we avoid all the possible sensitive topics?

Marmaduke, did you ever read that article (it was ages ago so please don't ask for a link) in the paper by the ff journalist who was in a cafe and too embarassed to get the bottle out and so she pretended to bf. I would understand how she felt like that.

Sweeney, you're implicitly criticising people for being insensitive, but if your only criteria for judging how feeding is going, is if the baby is actually alive and well, then you must go round deaf and blind to the very real struggles mothers have, whatever their method of feeding.

Sore nipples, sleepless nights, crying fits, colic, fighting at the breast/bottle....they can all happily co-exist with a baby who is sleeping angelically in the pram at the time of the enquiry.

And no - I wouldn't ask about the feeding of an 11-year-old, especially, but I wouldn't ask about an 11-year-old's birthweight, or comment on his lovely bald head, or admire his cutesy-wootsy velveteen babygro, either.

'How's the feeding going?' is an appropriate question to ask about a new baby. Just as it would be inappropriate to ask a baby how he got on at football practice the day before...but you might well ask an 11-year-old's mum about that.

Sheesh.

I often ask new parents "Is (s)he feeding well"?

Because I'm nosy, and because however you do it, it can sometimes be a struggle.

Sometimes I get a "yes", sometimes I get a outpouring of information.

I hope no-one is offended.

marmaduke - who are you directing your request not to forget the mothers who had an awful time bf?

There's no one on this thread who has shown anything but sympathy and understanding towards people in that position....in fact, that sensitivity lies behind the OP's concern not to upset people.

Just asking 'how's the feeding going?' is neutral....and non-judgemental.

Other than asking a general "are they feeding well" "are they sleeping ok?2 etc. I wouldn't ask more, unless the repsponse from them asked for more.

Why would you need to ask if a baby was breast feed or formula fed?

I think it is very nosy to ask.

A very MIL question.

I can't help but think a lot of people ask to judge the other person (eg FF = not doing best for baby or BF = freaky etc etc, depending on the prejudices of the question asker)

I don't think there are any questions you can safely ask without the risk of offending someone!

I couldn't bf, but have no problem with people asking about feeding or going on to ask why I didn't....I hope this is because I don't have any negative feelings about bf and not because I'm just totally insensitive!

And marmaduke - you yourself are judging your friend when you say she 'didn't exactly care for her unborn child'....I am not 'getting' at you, because I know feeling hurt and judged is horrible, and it can lead us to retaliate in kind. But 2 wrongs don't make a right

i can see both sides here - as someone who is struggling with bf-ing, i think i read too much into people asking me ANYTHING regarding feeding. i know they probably aren't the slightest bit interested and are just saying it to make conversation - but i hear it as "your baby's so tiny why aren't you ff-ing" or "left wing hippy/snob what's wrong with bottles?". but that just speaks volumes about ME not them!

however on the other hand, people have asked about it in such a way that i understand they have b-fed too, then it's great, they understand how tough it is and we have a good old chat.

trouble is, the OP presumably doesn't know the state of mind of the person she's going to meet. her question could either show support or feel like a criticism.

prettybird i am w of scotland too - and the only one in my post-natal group who b-feeds.

Caz10 - All the recent mums at my work seem to have formula fed, as did my SIL with her recent baby. Breast feeding is not seen as the "norm", so even asking the question is fraught with difficulties. Collegaues (even those who haven't had babies) will quickly say, "yes, breast feeding is diffulit" or 2Formula feeding is so much easier" - so I now just keep away from the topic

I feel as if me mentioning that I fed ds until he was 13 months and would be happy to talk about the frustrations and porblems of breastfeeding if that would help would end up with me being looked at as if I had horns.

On the other hand, my neighbours have breast fed and we were able to tlak about it.

hmm I've had another think about this and still agree that the neutral version of 'how's feeding' is good, the other person still then has the option to give an open or closed answer.

Although bfing has gone really well since my ds (10mo) was about 2/3 months, those first months were really really hard. And anyone who's been through that will remember that actually everyone is full of advice and helpful tips (that they are dying to share). I don't think more advice was what I personally needed most of the time. Ok from a bf counsellor or peer supporter the right advice would have been amazing but just from 'A.N.Other mum' that has a view which just so happens to conflict with MIL, SIL, Mum, Sis, Best Mate, HV, MW etc etc that it can just be so wearing having to talk about it at all iykwim?

Which is why a simple question that leaves the ball in their court is surely the best option?