Why does breastfeeding make so many people so unhappy?

[Caz10]

(and i count myself as one of these unhappy people!)

i'm not trying to start any kind of fight or make any kind of point, just genuinely wondering! what does anyone think?

on here and in rl so many people i've spoken to have been made to feel so unhappy one way or another. for me it has been the sheer physical agony, coupled with concerns for dd's health, and also i think an element of being unprepared for how all-consuming it would be. I went to the courses and read the books, but was still unprepared for the reality of feeding for so long, so often, every day.

it should be the most natural straightforward thing, but it just seems complex and upsetting.

I expected to enjoy it and didn't. That in itself made it hard. I thought I'd be happily chatting away to a friend over coffee while my baby effortlessly sucked away under my top. In reality, it hurt, we could never get a latch (still have no idea why), I was knackered...

My experience was very good I was very lucky DD did just get on with it, but I know lots of people aren't so lucky.

MrsMattie - your bsby could have had tongue tie. luckily i am one of those people who has had no problems with bf, not once got a sore nipple and still bf my ds who is now 11 months, almost a year. you do have to persevere and if in pain then somethign is not right, it is enjoyable having that closeness!

I think because when it does work it can make people so happy.

Like, um, [struggles for analogy]... men. When relationships are great they are swoonsomely fantastic and it seems nothing else could make you feel this great, so when they fall apart / go bad etc the misery is dire.

Perhaps.

I think because if it's just not working out there is immense pressure to keep going, which makes it a miserable time. I went along brilliantly for 10 months, but towards the end DS started biting really badly, so bad I couldn't express. I kept trying and trying because I felt a failure not making it to 12 months, in the end I had to give up...but for those 1-2 weeks where I kept trying it was miserable.

you're right mrsmattie, i had that image too. (and no tongue tie sadly, i almost wished dd had one isn't that awful, but it would have explained our probs).

bethoo do you not mind the amount of time spent on it? I am going doolally watching TV and being on the internet all day, feel a bit brain dead!

i know what you mean mrsbadger! although i've always felt in control of my relationships with men...maybe it is the lack of control...hmmmmm

Caz10 - well i work part time so he feeds in morning when he wakes, i go back to sleep well try wiht him latched on then a couple in the afternoon, mostly for his comfort really and before bedtime as it helps relax him. i do not mind as i can still reach the laptop and type wiht one finger!!! i enjoy the intimacy of it, it is the only thing we share. i was going to give it up when he turned a year as one of the reasons i carried on was because i am lazy with formula and it is cheaper! but may carry on.

(and caz, go to the lib and borrow all those books you've always meant to read... or just some trashy chick-lit if you prefer.
Reading a newspaper, though awkward (get the small-format Times or the Guardian), can help you feel more intelligent and In Touch with the world too - MI gave me this tip and I have never forgotten it)

I think there is too much pressure put on you to BF and that makes Mums unhappy if they can't or don't want to. It should be the most natural and straightforward thing but it is not always, it is a skill both Mum and LO have to learn.

I was not prepared for how hard (and painful, frustrating and upsetting) it would be and it was only pure stubborness which made me persevere with DS1.

For me BF is both a pleasure (the closeness and satisfaction of seeing her enjoy it) and a constant worry (what if my milk dries up/she doesn't take enough/there isn't enough there?).

I'm lucky i've found it really easy and have really enjoyed it, so much so i want to help others who aren't having such a great time, because when it does work it's great.

But i must say the first 4 weeks were a bit
tiring and boring, constant feeding. Ds is now 3 months so feeding is less often and more enjoyable.

I think it would be far more enjoyable for many, many women if health professionals had a clue about it.

Caz, I'm sorry you're finding it such hard going. You didn't have much support from HPs in the early weeks, did you?

I found that when I couldn't breastfeed DS1 I felt that I was failing him as a mother - the one thing that I should have been the only one to do for him, I couldn't.

It made me very sad and it wasn't until I discovered MN and all the breasfteeding support and information on here that I realised that it hadn't been my fault and that it was because of poor support.

Then I just felt angry about being let down but I have successfully fed 2 further babies now so feel very about it

I saw 2 BF counsellors - neither helped much, really. Also saw the HV - no help there either. MWs in hospital were worse than useless and suggested topping him up with formula . Lasted 6 weeks and two hell-on-earth bouts of mastitis and stopped.

I think it's because it's "sold" as being oh-so-easy, natural and by far the best way to feed your baby. The reality is that in the early days it's bloody difficult and often painful and you then think you're a failure for not managing it. also, there isn't enough support about to get you through the difficult bits. You can't learn how to do it until you've got the baby there and by that time you're knackered and busy and the baby is hungry.

When feeding DS1, I didn't realise so many mothers found it difficult and painful and I struggled with feeling like a useless tw*t for not finding it easy. I was lucky and got the hang of it and went on to enjoy it though. Feeding DS2 and DD was still bloody painful in the first weeks but I knew I could do it and knew how to which made it a whole lot less fraught than my experience with DS1.

I've not found this to be the case at all. My friends who breastfed have all found it relatively straightforward and I found it the easiest thing in the world (after the initial painful few weeks and not including one short bout of mastitis).
Maybe the ones who find it easy don't talk about it much so it seems like everyone's finding it difficult.

i think i almost had too much support in way hunker...well not support as such but input...had seen a million different midwives in hospital, then 3 different ones for my home visits, then HV and staff nurse - this was all in the 1st fortnight. all had different ideas/advice/opinions.

i've had great help from the bfn re latch etc, but their "all or nothing" feelings towards bf scared me a bit and made me feel sad and defensive about the times i'd wanted to pack it in. and it also just meant another few, different, pieces of advice to swim around in my head!

i thought the pain was spoiling it for me, but it doesn't hurt any more and i still don't like it...

mrsbager my library card is maxed out!! mainly trash i have to say, i think the brain cells leak out with the breast milk

Hi Caz think I 'spoke' to you on another thread about my ds's cluster feeding! I am finding bfing incredibly difficult - was so unprepared for how difficult it would be. I think we are unlucky to find it like this. I am starting to think it is down to the type of person you are - I am a quite anxious, impatient sort of person and find it very difficult to 'go with the flow' which I think is essential in the early weeks of bfing. I think I have PND now as well so don't know what to do.

I agree with soupy, when I decided to BF DS I didn't have a clue how tired I would be, and he was my second child, I was also petrified when he didnt feed properly for the first few days that he was going to starve.
But, once I'd got it established, I loved the ease of it all, especially co-sleeping anmd not getting up to feed, not making bottles and just basically cuddling him for a feed instead of all the faff bottles took.

Caz, input isn't support. It's the opposite - it's undermining and draining to hear many different conflicting viewpoints when you're not up to deciding which is best because you're sleep-deprived and learning how to bf.

peggotty i think you might be right, i've been feeling like i am somehow not "suited" to bf-ing! dh thought i might have pnd too, but honestly i think i'm just pissed off and frustrated re the feeding! on the odd occasion that i've given dd a bottle of ebm or formula i've enjoyed it! sitting with her, focussing on her etc, not twiddling my thumbs or watching House re-runs...

It is natural and straight forward but we are not geared as a society to allow mothers to deal with it. We feel the pressure to be good at it from the beginning. We are told that if it hurts we are doing it wrong when I suspect that it is more a question of our bodies taking a while to get used to being used in this new way 24/7.

We feel bad because we have to spend all day with a newborn strapped to our breasts when we think we should be up and out, cleaning the house, cooking gourmet meals, getting back into our size 10 jeans, meeting people and generally being superwoman.

It is damn hard at the beginning and nobody tells you how it is going to be because they are either in the midst of it themselves or them have forgotten, because it does pass and instead you have the next set of concerns to fret about instead. Also nobody can prepare you because they are not you and their baby is not the same as your baby and no two people relate to one another in the same ways.

It will pass and all feeding, breast or formula will become easier and less frequent, and it will stop being the be all and end all of your day. Hard to imagine but it will.

lyra i totally agree, no-one really posts and says how easy they're finding it! but there seem to be a remarkable number of people having a hard time.
hunker- undermining and draining - exactly! but i was seeking advice so can't blame them. feel pretty stupid too, because apparently after all the help my latch is still "not great, but it'll probably do"...

Caz, aren't you sitting with your DD and focussing on her when you bf her? Is it sore when you do?

Shouldn't have said 'It is natural and straightforward...' I should have said 'It can be natural and straightforward....'

KNow what you mean about giving bottles - I've given a couple of bottles in desperation and while not exactly enjoyed it, I've felt more relaxed, able to see how much he's getting etc. I'm familiar with ff-ing as I fed my dd this way - she never had so much as a whiff of breast milk, yet I am beating myself up about even considering giving up bfing my ds - what's that all about!? Again, think it's down to my own perfectionist persona;lity - me thinking 'I WILL succeed at this, even if it kills me!!'