Why does breastfeeding make so many people so unhappy?

[Caz10]

(and i count myself as one of these unhappy people!)

i'm not trying to start any kind of fight or make any kind of point, just genuinely wondering! what does anyone think?

on here and in rl so many people i've spoken to have been made to feel so unhappy one way or another. for me it has been the sheer physical agony, coupled with concerns for dd's health, and also i think an element of being unprepared for how all-consuming it would be. I went to the courses and read the books, but was still unprepared for the reality of feeding for so long, so often, every day.

it should be the most natural straightforward thing, but it just seems complex and upsetting.

Without wishing to sound smug bf has been almost wholly enjoyable for me too. In fact it has sometimes been the only thing I know I'm doing right for her.

Pain I just never really had. Perhaps very lucky.

Worries about enough milk I think is something put in our heads by a bottle feeding culture. Even though DD is very small I was lucky enough to have a good HV who never made me feel it was my fault. I do really believe that if she needs milk it will be there.

All consuming I do relate to. DD fed 2hrly all day and night for at least 2 months. I read a lot of great novels, came on here and learnt to feel OK about feeding in public so I could still go out and do stuff, carry on my life as well as feeding. Plus feed lying down at night to get some rest.

mmm, i agree about it being about a mindset sometimes. i have had to force myself to work to baby's schedule, and realise sitting on my bum on the sofa to feed AGAIN is not being lazy or wasting time - as dh says, it's the most important job in the house! But that took a few weeks to come to accept, and then i started enjoying feeding much more.

Caz - spoke to you on the other thread and have been reading your posts when I come across them. Your experience sounds very like mine.

Just to say I'm thinking of you. (I understand why giving formula is more pleasurable - you can relax and KNOW they are getting some nourishment. Nothing is worse than feeling that you can't feed your baby.)

"We feel bad because we have to spend all day with a newborn strapped to our breasts when we think we should be up and out, cleaning the house, cooking gourmet meals, getting back into our size 10 jeans, meeting people and generally being superwoman." - niecie i don't think i feel any pressure to be like that, but i do WANT there to be more to my life than bf-ing! dd takes at least an hour to feed, i'm quite happy feeding in public, but 1-2hrs is a long time to sit in the m&s cafe! and if i go to see people i have to warn them it could be an embarrassingly long visit!

hunker i just find i need something else to do when bf-ing, i'm pretty sure most people do. especially when i'm tired, i'd fall asleep if i didn't have the telly or a book. it's hard work to get her latched on, and i'm constantly monitoring how she's doing, but there's generally something else in the background. but when i give her a bottle we make eye contact and i'm 100% focussed on her.

i did it, but for her, not for me.

it made me quite unhappy because i have no family support or extra income for cleaners or help in the home.

and having a messy house really makes me anxious and unhappy.

i also don't particularly like sitting still.

i did it, but for her, not for me.

it made me quite unhappy because i have no family support or extra income for cleaners or help in the home.

and having a messy house really makes me anxious and unhappy.

i also don't particularly like sitting still.

For the other side of things, I bf both my boys and still am with my youngest and although it was hard to begin with no harder i expect than any other form of feeding. I just think having a newborn is bloody hard work whatever way you look at it.
And bf didnt get off to an altogether easy start, both boys were prem and so I had to express and cup feed but after a week or so they were feeding well.
I think if the professionals were more up front with things like "when a baby is new born he/she may feed well for the first feed and then not again for hours and hours requireing you to pump off and cup feed' first time around for me my prem baby had his first feed straight after birth and then nothing for days, he just would latch on or if i did manage to stuff my boob in his mouth he just sat there with it. I was beside myself, the midwives kept taking him off to bottlef him, no one suggested pumping, but when I asked to do they were ok about it but by no means supportive.
second time around I took my own pump into hospital and was prepared!
On the whole tho Ive found bf to be a wonderful bonding exp for me and my kiddies, and cheaper too, which helps to make things seem brighter!

Caz, as she gets a bit older and latches better (and she will), you'll be able to gaze at each other.

I know it's frustrating to feel there are things you should be getting on with, but I'd really try hard to think of it as a chance to read, to watch all the films you've not had time to watch, etc.

Caz - "it should be the most natural straightforward thing, but it just seems complex and upsetting" I think there lies the problem - we're led to believe that while it's a bit sore to start off with, breastfeeding is a piece of cake. I don't know anyone who didn't have some kind of problem.
With my ds, I had an overactive let down, so when he started feeding, the milk would come down so hard that he'd come of choking and get very upset, it would then take ages to coax him into latching on again. It took a while to sort that out - and many incidents involving me needing a complete change of clothes due to being soaked in breast milk. Nice.
Even with my 91st centile dd, I worry about not having enough milk - how silly is that?

Caz - how old's your dd? Mine gazes at me (19 weeks), but ds never did and it pissed me off! He liked to concentrate on what he was doing.

Certainly for me our very few attempts at bottle feeding were not at all pleasurable as DD couldn't get it at all and kept pulling away screaming so just gave up.

I suppose I am very often doing something else whilst bf but equally can have very dreamy, cuddly kind of feeds. She always has her eyes shut but I can gaze at her and stroke her fluffy head. Plus that oxytocin rush of love feeling is hard to beat. Read some article in Sunday newspaper saying female rats choose feeding their young over cocaine because of the hormone high. But perhaps I'm just very in touch with my inner rat!

caz do you have friends in the same boat? I think I did often spend 2hrs+ in various cafes/peoples homes but usually in the company of other mums.

It's a symptom of the insular nature of our society, living in our nuclear families as well as the expectations feminism has given us. Back in the day women would have grown up surrounded by other women in extended families, all giving birth and breastfeeding and exuding hormones everywhere. Nowadays we don't even think about either until we get pg and we are raised to think we can do anything we want if we put our minds to it. We aren't in touch with our 'female powers' so the idea of asking for help with something so 'natural' can only make us feel like failures. That doesn't mean those who find it easy immediately are more in touch than us, they are just jammy freaks.
I BF for a week and hated it, didn't do it at all the second time. Think I've got my head around it this time and plan to stalk my local NCT BF counsellor if necessary . Mainly because if you can get the hang of it, it should make life easier and I'll have 3 kids under 6.

My personal experiences with bfing 3 children is that it is the hardest thing I have ever done. This isn't just the pain thing (I had thrush with all 3) but also the sheer tedium of it first time round (I watched so much daytime TV that my conversation revolved around little else)and the sheer tedium of it second time round too(when having a toddler meant that I got to watch Teletubby videos instead of This Morning). As I had thrush I couldn't bf in public for the first few months and would always have to bf alone in a room if I went round to a friend's house.

To be constantly told by advisors that my latch was incorrect as it was hurting meant that I couldn't do the relaxing lying-down feeds - I had to sit upright with the correct positioning.

With DS3, the thrush was so bad that I gave up after 2 weeks and I have to say that the freedom that bottle feeding allowed me was bliss! I could go anywhere and meet anyone! It didn't matter how long it took DS3 to feed! This was a revelation but I did feel grief as if my baby had died - I was in floods of tears when I gave up bfing that I would never look down and see his fluffy golden head against my breast.

Hardest thing I have ever done ...

Whilst I may get criticised for saying this, I think its because of how much time it takes.

Today I sat for an initial 4 hours whilst my daughter fed/cried/fed/cried - apparently a growth spurt day.

I also think its because of how much it restricts your life, planning every outing around feeding times and with her feeding about an hour after the end of the last feed, its very difficult to do a great deal

Yes, I appreciate that its best for her (which is why I am perserving, she is 4 weeks old on Thurs and am hoping that the frequency will decrease) but I have put a lot of pressure on myself to keep it up and it has made me unhappy, I do wonder whether I would have been a happier and more relaxed mum if I had bottle fed her.

Or maybe I am just a bad person .. ?!

Oh this thread is refreshing

Im having a bit of a hard time with my feeding because I really enjoyed it last time and this time, its not coming to me so easily.

I feel bored by it, slightly resentful and jsut argh I cant describe it.

I just cant bring myself to stop though because of guilt and because I know its the best nutrition for baby.

I have given a few bottles and dont ask me why but I enjoy those feeds and feel generally more relaxed for the whole day.

What is really strange is that when I am not feeding her, the idea of relaxing in front of the TV with snacks and nibbles sounds really appealling and I cant understand why I would find it difficult, but in reality it never works like that and i resent sitting there and am finding that I have back and hip pains from sitting so long in any one day, I love to be active and I end up feeling that I am wasting our days when the sun is shining and we should be out (together) enjoying the nice weather, getting fresh air, meeting other mums ... etc.

However, I keep telling myself "one more week and see if it improves" and am hoping to reassess at 3 months old (she 3 weeks at mo).

I think breast feeding would be easier with a less hungry baby, which is why I keep hanging on, waiting for a time when she wont be as sucky, poor mite.

But pamelat why do you have to plan outings around feeds? I thought that was an advantage of bf no planning required. If you ff you would need to plan how many bottles to take.

It would be a real shame not to go out in this sunny spring weather. Are you worried about feeding in public? (understandable as its very early days). After the 1st few times you realise most people really couldn't care and it is a great sense of freedom.

not answering for pamelat, but my answer to that question mamadoc is because of the length of time feeds take. i don't mind feeding in public at all, but i know it's going to take a MINIMUM of 1hr...it's not always possible/suitable to stay wherever you are for that amount of time.

gloriana i can't feed lying down either, my latch is apparently crap even sitting up! speaking of which, it is amazing how sore it is just to SIT for so long.

i feel like my maternity leave is ticking away and all i have done is sit on the couch! probably when i was at work, sitting for hours on end watching telly etc would have seemed like bliss, but i don't find it relaxing, having to sit up straight, constantly check latch, hold dd in the right position etc.

i know what you mean re the weather pamela, i was at the park for half an hour today and it was beautiful, but i had to go home to feed and just as well that i did cos it took 2 hours!! no park bench is that nice ha ha!

oh, mamadoc i do know a couple of people with babies but they are slightly older (the babies!) and some bottle fed, our outings haven't been v successful as the older babies get frustrated sitting around for too long waiting for me to finish feeding, then i feel a bit under pressure to hurry her up, which obviously i can't do!

ps !

I think it is because most mums have unrealistic expectations - it isn't easy in those first weeks and months and you may need skilled support to help you get through particular challenges. Seek it out through the breastfeeding charities! The reality is that breastfeeding can be all consuming in the first couple of months but your baby will soon fall into a ryhthm and space out feeds, making your life so much easier and happier. Good luck.

because its bloody hard work the first few weeks.

Caz, you have my sympathies. When babycarrot was just a couple of weeks old I remember reaching the end of my tether because I was sitting up for every feed and utterly knackered.

I now lie down for more than half of our feeds and it makes a huge difference.

I know how frustrating it is when someone suggests something you have already tried, but have you thought about trying again to master feeding lying down? (feel free to kick me in shins if I'm being annoying)

The prize of relaxing during feeds is a real incentive. Pretty much all my MN time is spent with babe on boob, us on bed, laptop poised. I'm a lazy slattern and unapologetic with it. And I tend not to feel guilty if the sitting up feeds get wrapped up fairly quickly once in a while, because we always have several long luxurious hours of lying down feeds in the day as well.

Go kick me now, I'm braced...

vlc you can relax ! bizzrely i am just back at the pc having tried lying down feeding again, i read your mind! sadly unsuccessful in terms of actual feeding, dd sort of nuzzled for a while, and i dozed for 10 mins which was nice as we've been cluster feeding since 4pm....zzzz...

but of course then she started getting hungry and cranky and here we are sitting up again!

personal question so feel free not to answer but do you not get bored/lonely spending so much time feeding? i find bf very lonely!

phlossie dd is 9 weeks and gives me the most adorable grins when she comes off after a feed, but during it she looks straight ahead, unsociable wee so-and-so!

I do get bored, yes (hence the huge amount of time on MN!), but I suppose I now go with the flow so much that the only time it really bothers me is if we are trying to leave the house to get somewhere for a specific time and she needs feeding now...

Not good with appointments, the carrots.

But I don't think I'll look back on these months and wish I'd done things differently. I do feel quite spoiled for being able to spend so much time this way. If there's ever a baby no 2 I won't be able to do things quite the same, for sure.

What happens when you lie down, by the way? Does she struggle to latch on, and are you able to analyse what's not quite working?
[nosy emoticon]