Why does breastfeeding make so many people so unhappy?

[Caz10]

(and i count myself as one of these unhappy people!)

i'm not trying to start any kind of fight or make any kind of point, just genuinely wondering! what does anyone think?

on here and in rl so many people i've spoken to have been made to feel so unhappy one way or another. for me it has been the sheer physical agony, coupled with concerns for dd's health, and also i think an element of being unprepared for how all-consuming it would be. I went to the courses and read the books, but was still unprepared for the reality of feeding for so long, so often, every day.

it should be the most natural straightforward thing, but it just seems complex and upsetting.

I'm going to say some breastfeeding heresy now, but after my own experiences and those of some friends, I can no longer subscribe to the breastfeeding 'one size fits all' theory. I think that different mothers have different milk supplies. Ok, maybe everyone does have the ability to produce enough milk for their child, but perhaps some people's supply is more easily compromised than other's by poor latch or not feeding frequently enough at first. Some people just have tons of milk and others don't.
I think for me a lot of the grief came from trying to fit my experiences with the theory that everyone should be able to breastfeed if only they do all the right things. I was asking lots of questions of people who seemed sure they knew the answers, but I still had the problem of my baby seeming hungry, not gaining weight, feeding all the time and not really settling into any kind of pattern. I was told that the latch was perfect (3 different BFCs,) my milk supply was fine, and I did all the babymoons, feeding on demand, feeding all night, etc. I just couldn't understand why it didn't work.

Agree totally FioFio. It still affects me to think about, but the upset is purely from how I felt at the time, and yes, it's because I wanted to do everything right. Actually having given her formula as well as breastfeeding doesn't bother me at all now - it's such a small issue compared to the larger ones that crop up when they're older IMO.

I LOVED BF both of mine and miss that closeness we had while BF. I can understand that it must be hard work in the beginning with all the struggle of getting a good latch and stuff. Maybe it's those memories that you carry around with you.
I don't understand what you mean with not being to focus on lo while BF. I used to play with their feet, stroke their hair, clean out their ears and just generally admire them while BF. The feeds do get shorter as they get older, so maybe if you persevere you'll see that happening.
Is there a local BF support group to you? It makes a huge difference for lots of people if they can meet rl people who are undergoing exactly the same thing. You can even meet up and BF together so you're not feeling lonely anymore IYKWIM.

With my first I was so upset when bf didn't get established. Unfortunately the hospital didn't pick up on jaundice which made him very sleepy and I kept pestering them for help with bf too, as in checking my position etc as I felt he wasn't feeding very well, but the staff were crap in helping often saying he didn't feed well because he was a boy, but the sleepier he got the worse it was until he ended up very nearly needing a blood transfusion and we went into special care.

By the time we left hospital he started to lose weight again and overall it was just a crap start to getting my milk supply going, and there was NO support despite my pleas. My MW at the time tried to help but the day I decided to go formula she said she was relieved as it had been so painful to watch me struggle. It devasted me to hear statements like bf babies are more intelligent..I thought and still do, there is more to a life than whether one is bf, what about a caring home, a overall rounded upbringing etc, and I felt like I had failed.
All my family and friends went out of their way to tell me if they had been bottle fed to make me feel a bit better.. some of the smartest people I know were bottle fed!

4 weeks tomorrow I will have been bf (with the odd top up, I wont lie) but this time it has been better, though the pain initially!
Once I heard through MN that it is possible to bf after a section (first was emergency, this time planned) I decided I really wanted to bf and went out and prepared myself as best as possible.. but yes initially and occassionly now I feel unhappy about it (1) the pain.. but could sort that out (2) expected it to be more enjoyable.. sometimes now it is.. but what amazed me is how I didn't know what hard work it was going to be.. one just assumes it's a piece of cake! (well I did!)

I had forgotton how emotive the subject of how one feeds babies is, and I wish there was more support/understanding out there for all mums whatever choice we make!

Agree with redadmiral that a lot of unhappiness can result from the one size fits all approach.

So much of the breastfeeding literature available to new mothers downplays or dismisses physiological causes of breastfeeding problems in favour of the "it doesn't hurt if you're doing it right" line.

This is a perfectly understandable line to take - nobody wants to put new mothers off breastfeeding. However, if you are one of the unlucky ones who has severe problems, and find yourself in agony with a hungry baby and hcp's who can't find anything wrong, you can only think that it is your fault.

There needs to be better preparation ante-natally for the possibility that it may not all be plain sailing (as well as better education for postnatal hcp's of course).

Feeding your baby is the most profoundly emotional experience. If you are committed to the belief that breastfeeding is the best way and you can't do it, and you are led to believe that this is because of your own incompetence the guilt is awful.

Combine that guilt with the usual postnatal sleep deprivation and the most excruciating pain you have ever experienced in one of the most sensitive parts of your body, and it's a pretty foolproof recipe for misery.

But, if you can make it through that, the rewards are tremendous.

very sensible post IorekByrnison.

"If you are committed to the belief that breastfeeding is the best way and you can't do it, and you are led to believe that this is because of your own incompetence the guilt is awful." - dd's "failure to thrive" is, it seems, down to me not being able to latch her on properly...out of all the worries i had during my pregnancy it never crossed my mind that this could happen. It's horrible.

vlc i'm not quite sure what the problem is tbh...when we are sitting up she needs to be brought to the breast quite swiftly and strongly, and i struggle to do that when we're lying down. She doesn't really open her mouth very wide at the best of times, all the bfc's i've seen have agreed on that, but none of them can tell me why! also small boobs plus small baby seems to make it hard for her to reach! although i know it shouldn't. she ends up just sort of sucking on my nipple, which just leads to hungry baby and sore nips!

completely agree re better antenatal education - i went to the classes etc but as someone else said, you can't learn until the baby is here. so then maybe it's better education post-natally? i wonder how many people have given up because they're not on mumsnet?!

Just read through this and wanted to say thank you for this thread - just what I needed today.

My DD is six weeks old on Sat and has been exclusively bf. I've been lucky that we have a good latch and haven't had any major problems. However, I have found bf really, really stressful and there are definitely days when I've thought it would be so much easier to use formula. I knew it would be painful to establish bf and that I'd have to learn how to do it. What I didn't expect or properly understand was how intensely personal it is - i.e. my body is feeding her and I feel that any problems she has are entirely down to me.
She is gaining weight steadily but is under the average in the growth chart - she still weighs less than 4kg - and I do wonder whether it is my milk supply, even though my HV has assured me she is fine. I always planned to express enough for DH to be able to give her one feed a day. However, I just can't get enough out when expressing (max 1.5oz per breast) and find the process horrid, makes me feel like a dairy cow. I didn't realise how long it would take and I feel trapped in the chair all day and don't like reading or watching TV as I feel like I should be paying attention to her.

Right now, bf doesn't really make me happy. I am glad I've managed to do it and I don't plan to give up, but I am finding it quite difficult. Hopefully things will get easier as she gets older - I keep telling myself that she is really little and things take time - but it is definitely the biggest challenge of new motherhood for me.

What an interesting thread. I am having problems - my ds is 9 weeks and although I fed my dd for a year - with my son it is a totally different experience. I think I have thrush - his latch is pants - which I kept saying to various bf concellors and they disagreed. Finally went to see this fantastic woman who said he had a high arch in his mouth and that his latch needed to be spot on for me not to be painful. The idea of bottle feeding seems so remote to me - yet I don't know how much more discomfort I can tolerate.

know my answer is slightly out of sync but to answer the question, I have avoided public feeding UNTIL TODAY!! We have a weekly antenatal meet up on a Tues, I really enjoy it and would hate to miss it

Made sure she was well fed before setting off on the 15 minute walk, which noramlly sends her to sleep. However, being a supposed growth spurt week she didnt sleep and cried within minutes of arriving so i had to feed her and she fed the whole hour and half i was there, she never feeds for short periods.

I felt really good about it and was relaxed afterwards as it meant i didnt have to rush home to feed her BUT annoyingly within seconds of being home, so no time at all between feeds, shecried to be fed and has fed for last hour and half again and still going strong. I hate that it (sometimes) takes all day , do bottle fed babies do this incessant feeding?

This question has exercised my mind quite a bit recently, basically because my SIL is having HUGE problems feeding her second - not so much physical problems (though she did have problems with terrible soreness in the first 2 weeks because of HCP's inability to spot that her baby wasn't properly latched on) but because emotionally she finds bf very hard.

I think some women find it incredibly hard to give themselves over physically to the breastfeeding experience - just like some women find pregnancy and birth emotionally hard. I reckon the reasons for this are very complex. With my SIL there are issues around control and self esteem. The saddest thing is the discord that it's caused between her and my brother. He's desperate for his child to be breastfed - as a biologist he's spent years reading up on breastfeeding and he's gutted at the thought of his child missing out on the benefits. At the same time he acknowledges that it's her that has to do it; he realises that emotionally it's very difficult for her and it's part of what's making her postnatally depressed.

I don't know what to say to her other than she's got to deal with the PND, whatever that takes. I don't think anything will make her feel better about breastfeeding. She just hates it. I remember reading about women who refused to bf their babies back in the days when choosing not to bf was practically a death sentence. It seems there've always been women who are just emotionally repelled by it, to the point where it's torture for them to have to do it.

I do think they should at least offer expert counselling antenatally for women who feel like that. It'd mean that you'd have to spend more than 5 minutes discussing feeding issues with the midwife antenatally, but it'd make a real difference to some women. You can't imagine HP's being so laissez faire about phobias/emotional problems with other normal bodily functions. Like if you said 'I need a c-section because I can't cope with giving birth', or 'I need IVF because I can't cope with having sex' - they'd definitely be pointing you in the direction of a counsellor. With breastfeeding the response is 'well the most important thing is that you're happy so bottlefeed if you don't feel like breastfeeding' - despite the fact that the welfare of another person is affected by your decision.

God, it sounds awful, Sabire. I have to be brutally honest and say - I pity your poor SIL. I don't think any woman should continue BF-ing if it is affecting their mental health.

You know what though MrsMattie - I don't think that stopping breastfeeding will stop her PND, it just might make things easier for her for a while. Her PND is about more than JUST breastfeeding, though breastfeeding is part of the picture.

And then she'll have to contend with the long term emotional issues around stopping breastfeeding.

Also - what do you say to the women who've chosen to bottlefeed who find it a total pfaff and who don't find feeding satisfying? Would you be encouraging them to try to relactate? (sorry - saying 'you' in the general sense, not 'you' personally.
Don't want to sound like I'm getting at you).

I just think that many of the issues with breastfeeding are bound up with deeper issues of mothering itself. They are with bottlefeeding too, but nobody seems to see it. Nobody seems to consider the fact that lots of women find bottlefeeding emotionally unsatisfying. If they do it's never pinned on the method of feeding - it's more likely to be seen as something relating to the general challenges of life with a tiny baby. Unlike with breastfeeding.

Sabire - your sil's situation sounds horrendous. And very difficult for your brother too.

I have to say though that if I were in her position, suffering "terrible soreness", and my partner seemed to be pushing me to continue - however gently or tactfully - I can imagine feeling extremely resentful towards him. The physical pain can be indescribable regardless of one's emotional feelings about it.

I agree though that the issue of emotional barriers to breastfeeding is rarely addressed and probably should be.

Thing is you can't expect help from an NHS HCP, it will always be a lottery how useful the ones you get are. It's really hard to ask for help and then when you do they can't really give it to you.
Best to seek help from those with 'breastfeeding' in their title, whether they are volunteers or paid. NCT and La Leche League are good places to start if your maternity hospital doesn't have a BF clinic. I know it's hard to bite the bullet and invite a whole different organisation into your life but they know their stuff and you can make new friends in similar circs through them.

I was suprised and sad to not enjoy it at all.

I was so lonely just sitting there for almost an hour at a time, in the same chair, looking at the same four walls, not being able to pee or poo when I needed ( I had a bad anal fissure which made it agony to sit down), or eat or drink properly either. Thankfully I could deal with the bf pain though, but that felt like the least of my problems.

We only had the one chair in the living room where I could feed, the upstairs is too small for a chair so I went a bit mad after a while.

It was winter and I was recovering from an em cs which I daresay didn't help either.

You know your SIL's situation better than me@Sabire, so I wouldn't like to comment on her particular case of PND or what is contributing to it, really, but I know that for me breastfeeding was the single hardest thing for me about becoming a new mother (I also had PND). I really didn't enjoy it, on so many levels. I felt guilty about stopping (after 6 weeks), but it certainly hasn't left me with any long lasting feelings of inadequacy, mainly because I had such a supportive and wonderful DH and family, who all supported me in trying to BF and in my decision to stop.

I think the control thing is true to an extent and isn't helped if you've also had a traumatic birth experience where you felt very much out of control. For me switching to FF after a week was such a relief, I was in the process of developing a midwife phobia from my birth trauma so I felt I needed to get the feeding sorted quick so the MWs would leave me alone.

God, me too!@Buckets. I was so sick of the barrage of unhelpful 'advice'.

I think I was also unprepared for the potential down sides to bf'ing. Again, I had read books and even went to an NCT class before dd's birth but I don't feel anyone or any piece of literature was completely honest about how much sheer hard work it can be.

When it was still painful after a few weeks, I was convinced I was doing something wrong. I wasn't - latch was fine etc. I found the cluster feeds incredibly demanding and found the whole thing very physically and emotionally draining. Those first few weeks of doing almost nothing at all except feed were very isolating and lonely. I also never really got to grips with feeding in public

I did stick at it though and can honestly say it got better after about 8 weeks. I did start to introduce one bottle of formula in the evening from about 16 weeks and from then on, I actually enjoyed it. I stopped a couple of months ago and really miss it sometimes

Havent read all the thread.

I think it is really sad that bfeeding makes you and other people you know unhappy.

I think the initial support you receive in hospital and the support structure at home can make the difference between loving breastfeeding and really not enjoying it. I found bfeeding a wonderful experience and if I think about it, I know it was all down to the support and understanding I received. Without it, I am sure it could have been a very different experience.

Hi Sabire. I've got some lingering questions about breastfeeding (not directly relevant to me now, but still curious) that maybe your brother could answer for me? Are you still around?

Yes, breastfeeding seems to be hard for most women at the beginning. This is a strange thing, because it IS a completely natural thing to do. I think that it is almost entirely down to the support you get as a new mum. In the past, there would have been an organic support network around you - all the females of the extended household helping you, but nowadays, you are just on your own.

Thank God I had my mum who is an old fashioned midwife. After about five days of baby not latching properly, not getting any milk (not helped by my c-section) and literally starving to death, and me in a complete state, my mum showed up and literally grabbed my babys head in one hand, pressed on the side of his jaws so he opened his mouth really wide, grabbed my breast with the other, and literally shoved the nipple into his mouth - as much as she could get in - and it worked like magic! For the first time he was feeding. Breast feeding was pretty tough though for about 3 months, but he is now over one year and still going strong.

I think it is up to every one to decide what is best for them, but I also think that it is so important to provide better support for new mums re breastfeeding, and we as women in general are the ones to blame that there isn't something better in place.