Why does breastfeeding make so many people so unhappy?

[Caz10]

(and i count myself as one of these unhappy people!)

i'm not trying to start any kind of fight or make any kind of point, just genuinely wondering! what does anyone think?

on here and in rl so many people i've spoken to have been made to feel so unhappy one way or another. for me it has been the sheer physical agony, coupled with concerns for dd's health, and also i think an element of being unprepared for how all-consuming it would be. I went to the courses and read the books, but was still unprepared for the reality of feeding for so long, so often, every day.

it should be the most natural straightforward thing, but it just seems complex and upsetting.

reading further I can see the establishing of feeding can be awful, so sorry if I sounded arrogant there. I kind of meant once established, it shouldn't be more time consuming.
I hadn't a problem feeding but did feel tied to the house, to the baby, immensely bored and frustrated and angry as though my life had been stolen - but not because of the feeding, because of the actual whole baby thing.
That's what I'm clumsily trying to say.

i have often thought too how unfair it is that you have to learn to breastfeed at exactly the same time as you've just given birth and your life has been turned upside down and there are so many other things you have to get your head round. . . .unfortunately there's not a lot you can do to change that

Can't speak for others, but I found a huge difference between the time it took to bf first child when IMO milk supply was low - literally hours and hours with hardly any time between feeds before needing to feed again, and my second daughter where I had enough milk. Each feed was nicely spaced out with her napping in between, and the actual feeding taking a much shorter time too.
Most of the mums I knew first time around were having a very different experience breastfeeding to the one I was having.

Totally agree, MommaFeelgood

I'm feeling pretty emotional as I read this thread. DD is 5 months old and it really took about 3 months for bf to feel comfortable and natural. I had immense support from MN, from a baby cafe and from an NCT bf counsellor, and my DH, though even he wondered if giving a bottle would make me happier. I WAS miserable, much of the time, those early weeks. My own mother had bottle fed us and we were all very healthy children, so she really wondered why I was "giving myself a hard time", and I couldn't defend my decision without offending her or sounding like I judged her for giving us a bottle. It's been such an emotive issue for me, with friends who bottlefed urging me to give her a bottle and telling me not to beat myself up about stopping breastfeeding.

The fact is that after 3 months it did get easier, it even started to be pleasurable, and I am incredibly proud of myself for getting this far. Without the help of certain professionals and my own sheer bloodymindedness, I would not have managed to bf this long. To cut a long story short I had a tired, jaundiced baby who wouldn't feed, then latch problems, recurrent thrush, soreness. I wish I could have been warned about how all-consuming/exhausting/emotional it would be in the early days. And yes, the mws I saw in the first few days all told me something different. But I'm pretty sure that even if I had been warned about how time-consuming and difficult it would be, the whole idea of bf is totally abstract until the baby arrives and is crying with hunger. It's a gut-wrenching worry those first few weeks. I feel really quite tearful just thinking about it. My sister (overseas) had five days in a birth centre with on-call mws to supervise each feed and she had SUCH a different experience from day one. I feel sad that it took me 3 months to get to that stage.

I must not dwell on the early days, however. My DD is thriving and we now both enjoy feeding, but this thread has brought back a lot of memories of the early days.

I think it's the lack of support and understanding in general. There is a certain degree of pressure to bf, and it's presented as easy and natural, but the fact is that for most women it is a learned skill. Even I, who grew up among breastfeeding women, and have strong memories of breastfeeding going on around me as a natural part of day-to-day life, didn't take to it naturally and easily.

But also most women who bf do so for less than 6m. It's a totally different exerience bfing a baby who's also on solids. Yet most of us don't get to learn this, as it's considered excessive to go on feeding for so long. All we have to guide us when we learn to bf our next baby is the tiring, difficult, pressurised experience we had before. If only we had the sense of perspective that it will change and be easier with time, then I'm sure it would be easier to weather the tough early days.

Caz10, I think lots of it depends on your personality. I have never been a perfectionist but likewise I cannot stand disorder/ chaos. I think why bf made me unhappy was my need to know what happened at what time. Obviously this is not something that easily happens with bf due to demand feeding.
I also felt self conscious feeding in public and had to express before going out anywhere last time which made things harder work.
I set a target of 6mths and ended up lasting 6wks I found it painful, didn't have good support around me except DH and was totally unprepared.
I think the times we live in play a part- 50yrs ago women would have lived closer to other female family members who would have bf. This support and advice would have been invaluable.
As it was, my mother bottle fed DB and I so could not advise me. I have no grandparents to ask and all my family live 5hrs drive away.

I think it'sn because we are missing a previous generation or two of breastfeeders, my mum and MIL didn't and don't understand what all the fuss is about.

Exactly MrsWaggsnapps, it's almost become a lost art, like old-fashioned midwifery. In the 20th century we let the men interfere and they took over!

I didn't realise how long a baby could feed for and I had never heard of growth spurts so the first couple of weeks were an education!! And then all the faffage of who you do/don't feel comfortable feeding in front of, timing outings etc (my DS feeds every 2 hours like clockwork). But after about 9 weeks I really began to enjoy it and I'm glad I stuck with it. Now I am just wondering what boobage I'll be left with once he has finished with them !!

Can I just add that newborns are mindnumbingly slow at feeding whatever they're drinking, I remember crying with boredom in the middle of the night waiting for one to finish its 4oz feed. It's a learning curve for them too don't forget.

sorry did not read whole thread, but in my experience, it is the feeling of failure and the frustration for not living up to our own and to other people's expectations that makes people unhappy. What a pity to ruin the first weeks with our babies consumed by guilt and feelings of shame.
If you can bf, move on to bottles, don't ruin your mental health.

I've been browsing this thread and it's amazing isn't it how negative so many women's experiences of bfing are. I don't think there's too much pressure to keep it up at all, in fact quite the opposite. I've had hvs and mws trying to get me to switch to formula at almost every hiccup, and I'm still ebfing at 5 months. Thank God I didn't listen to them.

I thought the first 8 weeks were Godawful! I have vivid memories of yelling at dh to turn the tv down so I could hear if ds was swallowing. I had no idea what it looked or sounded like when a baby fed. Also I didn't have the slightest concept how long it would take, my ds used to take 90 mins to 2 hours to feed and then I'd have half an hour off before it would all start again. Not one person had told me this was a possibility. I was very lucky I didn't suffer any pain, but I was wracked with self doubt, thinking I must be doing something wrong if it was taking so long. It didn't help that ds' weight dived in week 2, which was totally my fault. I thought I was doing it wrong, so i cut his feeds down to 40 mins. Of course my milk supply dwindled to nothing too and ds dropped off the bottom of the growth charts. I panicked massively and forked out £150 to have a private bfc come to my house and spend an hour (just the one hour for that amount of dough!!!!) helping me. It kind of helped, but the thing that helped most with me was time... something just clicked at around 3.5 months.

I went on holiday over Christmas and I had to bf on a long haul flight. I'd never been able to feed ds holding him normally (used to feed him doing rugby ball hold - impossible unless you are sitting on a sofa with a load of cushions, not practical when you're out and about) but being forced to do it on a plane I just worked it out for myself. In the end I bf everywhere, the airport, the plane, the beach, by the pool, in several restaurants, at a carnival...!

If the govt are serious about wanting more women to bf I think they should run bf classes BEFORE you have your baby rather like ante natal classes which fully prepare you for what to expect. I also think there needs to be a much more joined up approach. I had a cs and the theatre staff handed my baby to me cleaned and fully dressed AGAINST my wishes, I wanted some skin to skin time but didn't get any, then totally forgot in all the excitement after the birth. It was only after I'd seen the bfc that I realised I'd never felt my baby's skin against mine ! I then went to bed for two days with my baby and I both naked (apart from his nappy) to bond... best thing i ever did. why didn't someone suggest this to me before?

I agree that there should definately be more information/education about bf before the birth but it should be put across in a positive way - my HV told me before I had my DS that breastfeeding had made her nipples bleed!!! Not what you want to hear. There is a fine line between setting realistic expectations and giving you nightmares!

I think it would help if you could have more open discussions about breast feeding and it's alternatives. I went to mixed feeding at 3 weeks because exclusive breastfeeding wasn't working for me. We're still mixed feeding and it's going really well but I will never forget the weekend I made the decision as I was actually scared to tell anyone because I knew they would disapprove and say breast is best and in my emotional state I didn't think I could handle the reactions. I think this is a sad situation as all I needed was support and the facility to fully talk through my decision without feeling guilty. There is loads of support for BF mums but very little for mixed or FF which I think is a shame as surely the most important thing is being a good mum however you feed......I know they want to keep as many people to BF as possible but what about support for the rest of us!

Lets just say that moment of standing in Morrisons, absolutely knackered and on the verge of tears desperately trying to work out which type of evil formula was best for the love of my life was not one of the memories of motherhood I will most treasure!

Luckily from the moment I got home and made the formula up life got considerably brighter - oh and the noise of a perpetually cruing baby stopped too....

Hello, this thread has been great for me as I have just made the very difficult decision to gradually move from breastfeeding to formula feeding and I totally identify with MollyMonkey about feeling like a bad mother for wanting to move to formula and also having to find out info for myself. I feel guilty for giving up as my milk supply is good and there haven't been any major problems. For me it is the feeling of loneliness - sitting on the couch for hours, the overwhelming responsibility of being the only person who can feed dd and most of all the feeling that my body is not my own. I find leaking boobs, horrible nursing bras, breast pads and engorgement pretty grim. A couple of weeks ago I was in floods of tears after having what I think was a panic attack at the thought of having to bf until my dd is 6 mo. I think I am putting the pressure on myself but I feel there is a lot of pressure to bf just not enough support and accurate info to help you.