Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

Why does breastfeeding make so many people so unhappy?

119 replies

Caz10 · 11/02/2008 17:50

(and i count myself as one of these unhappy people!)

i'm not trying to start any kind of fight or make any kind of point, just genuinely wondering! what does anyone think?

on here and in rl so many people i've spoken to have been made to feel so unhappy one way or another. for me it has been the sheer physical agony, coupled with concerns for dd's health, and also i think an element of being unprepared for how all-consuming it would be. I went to the courses and read the books, but was still unprepared for the reality of feeding for so long, so often, every day.

it should be the most natural straightforward thing, but it just seems complex and upsetting.

OP posts:
Maveta · 13/02/2008 20:56

for the first 6 weeks it made me so, so unhappy for all those reasons already mentioned

  • it took so long
  • it was boring
  • it really hurt, ds had tt and that caused nipple trauma, blanching, vaso-watsit (can´t remember what it´s called now!), oh and thrush.
  • because of a dip in weight gain and the pain it caused me, it also caused arguments between dh and I
  • although i knew i shouldn´t worry about the laundry, or the dishes, I couldn´t help it and felt pressure (purely from myself) to do it all
  • i couldn´t master feeding lying down that everyone suggested
  • i felt tied to the house and the baby.

Everyone sells the idea that bf-ing is quicker and easier than bottlefeeding but really should tell you that´s really the case after the first month or so, at first it is so much more time consuming and I was so clumsy at it that I wasn´t comfortable in public until he was at least 2 or 3 months old.

And it took me ages to figure out that the extremely sad, mournful feeling I got when I first fed was my let down! No one had told me it would feel like that, and no one else has told me they´ve experienced this. Ever since I worked out what it was, it doesn´t bother me, although I still feel it, but it is a very strong and very distinctly sad feeling. weird.

But after those 6 weeks, well, maybe after 8 weeks, things really did get so much better. I mastered lying down! That. changed. my. life. His TT was cut, he put on weight, I felt confident feeding in public, feeds got shorter and less often. And I´m glad I stuck with it, ds is 9.5mo and still going, but it was VERY hard work.

loucee · 13/02/2008 20:58

Hi Caz

Bfing my DD made me quite unhappy as well. I never felt confident that I knew when she needed feeding and when she had enough, we went through a constant cycle of feed, feed, feed, sick, wind, sick, feed, feed, feed..... etc. I totally relate to you feeling that your maternity leave is just ticking away, for a long time i wondered if I would actually get to go out anywhere due to the feeding (e.g she would be needing a feed enroute to somewhere in the car etc).

Things improved eventually and I did enjoy it at that point and went on to feed her until she was 18 months.

It sounds like we had similar problems, she would never open her mouth very wide either and would constantly unlatch then latch on etc.

Beanstermummy and I are talking about meeting for a coffee in Glasgow - do you fancy it?

Original poster
Caz10 · 13/02/2008 21:12

oooh that would be fab! will scoot over to Dec thread asap...and watch us struggle to co-ordinate feed times...

PhDiva, Maveta, redadmiral and EVERYONE else who has posted -it is amazing to hear all of your experiences. makes me sad that so many people struggle with this.

"we as women in general are the ones to blame that there isn't something better in place" - phdiva i hear what you're saying and i think its why so many women volunteer to train as advisors etc, but i think its a real shame that the best support comes from outwith the nhs. my hv is a total waste of time re bf-ing, i suppose if dd was ill or something she might be a help to me, but as bf-ing is my major issue it is a totally wasted service, and that seems wrong.

tiktok or anyone else who works with one of the bf-ing charities, is there ever any pressure put on the health service to improve it's training etc? just curious

maveta slight tangent but you mention blanching - is that when your nipples go white/colourless? i've been getting that and associated pain...what did you do to get rid of it?

OP posts:
Pruners · 13/02/2008 21:24

Message withdrawn

Maveta · 13/02/2008 21:25

Caz I think that is a symptom of nipple trauma which basically means the latch isn´t right. Because ds had tongue tie he couldn´t latch properly and in my case that was causing the blanching etc etc it was so painful I couldn´t even let water in the shower touch my nipples. As soon as his tt was cut, all of those associated problems stopped.

So I guess once her latch improves, so should everything else. Wish I could be more specific to help you, but that´s the nature of the beast, and I guess the crux of what this thread is about, right?

AitchTwoOh · 13/02/2008 21:32

caz, my sympathy that you've had so many people advising you on what to do. i had dd just before christmas and i didn't see the same hv or midwife twice during those first few weeks, not having any continuity of care was hideous.
i always used to think 'how can every one of those fuckers think they're right if they're all telling me to do different things?!' and yet every day i changed my position, changed it back, tickled her toes, stopped tickling her toes, expressed, stopped expressing etc... because they were the experts... pah.

Pruners · 13/02/2008 21:34

Message withdrawn

AitchTwoOh · 13/02/2008 21:35

me too, pruni, i think i just wept most of the time...

Pruners · 13/02/2008 21:38

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Caz10 · 13/02/2008 21:39

oh me three....

'how can every one of those fuckers think they're right if they're all telling me to do different things?!' LOL aitch - that sums it up EXACTLY!!

OP posts:
AitchTwoOh · 13/02/2008 21:39

LOL! YES! sorry Caz... got lost there for a minute.

AitchTwoOh · 13/02/2008 21:42

x-posted with you, caz. i know, it's amazing isn't it? i used to rock back and forth saying to dh, HOOOOOOOW can she be right, it's the exact opposite of what the other one said etc etc. but i still did as they said cos i was desperate. how i howled...

Original poster
Caz10 · 13/02/2008 21:46

It's not just the hcp's either, i sat with 2 books in front of me at one point, shouting at dh - "well should i or shouldn't i feed her from the other side now? should i? how the f am i meant to know?" cos one book said you MUST feed from both sides and the other book said you MUST NOT...sigh....it's funny now....

OP posts:
AitchTwoOh · 13/02/2008 21:48

lol, it is. we are SO badly served with bfing advice, aren't we? you know in norway you leave hospital and go to a 'baby hotel' and you and dh can get on with things in your room or you can buzz for a midwife to help if you need. for TWO WEEKS. bliss.

PavlovtheCat · 13/02/2008 21:53

Because there is too much pressure, wrong information given, bad advice, etc etc.

VictorianSqualor · 13/02/2008 21:56

'm so glad with DS I didnt read any books about feeding and only saw one HCP, who just happened to eb the most amazing midwife in the world, if I'd had any more than one piece of information going in my brain at that time it would've shouted OVERLOAD and exploded.
For sure.

Original poster
Caz10 · 13/02/2008 21:57

oh wow i am moving before i have any more then! actually i really liked being in hospital, i know most people can't wait to get home, but i would happily have stayed for 2 weeks!

OP posts:
LadyG · 13/02/2008 22:28

Gosh I am expecting our 2nd and reading this thread has brought it all back...I was bored literally to tears many many times (despite Sky Plus)... DS (now 2.5) was a slow weight gainer and a 2 hrly feeder day and night for 10 weeks so was shattered... too scared to give a bottle or dummy because of the dreaded 'nipple confusion' and could never express much anyway-however it did get better and I loved gazing down into his beautiful eyes while he fed and played with mummy's hair-also once his feeds spaced out (at around 4 months) BF was so convenient and easy.
Next time I think I would do a lot more lying down feeding/co-sleeping in the early days, try and express a bit earlier on to boost supply and not worry about the odd bottle of formula or dummy-I know 2 people who very successfully mixed fed from the beginning and felt so much happier for it. Oh and I won't slog on at any cost to myself or the rest of the family. Yes sole breast feeding for 6 months/2 years whatever is desirable but it doesn't actually qualify you for sainthood....

tiktok · 13/02/2008 23:21

Caz, all the bf orgs do some sort of training for hcps; many bfcs sit on PCT committees and steering groups looking at local bf support and training; many are in touch with local hcps running groups with them.

The govt has breastfeeding improvement as a target and bf is part of the new anti-obesity strategy. It's recognised in many official documents that training is a major issue.

I actually think things are changing, very slowly.

MadamePlatypus · 13/02/2008 23:34

I was completely unprepared for how much time it would take first time around. I thought I had been inducted into some strange cult where I would never be in control of my own life again.

Second time around, knowing that the constant feeding bit would come to an end, and with a very active three year old, I was honestly glad for an excuse to sit down.

MommaFeelgood · 13/02/2008 23:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

vInTaGeVioLeT · 14/02/2008 00:27

in answer to the op - i think so many people are unhappy breastfeeding because they feel they have to / should do it , that everyone tells them it's the most natural thing in the world [which it is] without explaining you[and baby] need to learn how to do it - a lot of women feel trapped by the baby when b/feeding and are desperate to "get their life back"

i myself loved breastfeeding, was fairly lucky with it and didn't feel trapped at all[sometimes felt i was becoming part of the sofa!] and when my ds reached 6months i was so proud that not only had i "made" this little person all by myself[ok i needed 1 sperm too] i'd also supplied him with all of his nourishment from my own body i found that truly amazing

i think that we need to give new mums more help and support in this country - stop constantly worrying about weight gain - and send the midwifes and healthvisitors on compulsery refresher courses to keep them up to date with modern thinking/methods also we need more lactaction consultants

AussieSim · 14/02/2008 02:42

I read a book once that spoke about the sexualisation of the breast. When little girls are brought up to think that having boobs makes them pretty and later to think that boobs are there to bring them and especially their partner sexual pleasure, and then to only much later be introduced to the idea that the boobs are in fact the best thing to use to feed your baby, then there is naturally some conflict - either concious or subconcious.

The author relayed a story of an interview with a woman from a very primitive culture, where when she explained that men in western culture like to suck on the breasts as part of the sex act - laughed her head off and asked why grown men should want to behave like little babies?

I think it would help if people spoke more openly about the initial challenges of breastfeeding.

I like to tell people that I am too lazy to prepare bottles and why should I pay for it when I can produce my own for free and at the right temperature at a moments notice? The reality is a bit more serious of course - the health benefits for me and the baby I take very seriously as I have breast cancer in my family and my husbands family has issues with obesity and eczema ...

Flllightattendant · 14/02/2008 05:44

Only read the OP but babies in general are all consuming - it's not the unremitting breastfeeding, nor indeed bottle feeding to blame there.
It is a huge shock having a new child especially a first one, but it never once occurred to me to focus on the feeding as the issue.

Everything about having your first child is a huge shock. Bfing just made it easier than bottlefeeding would have, imo, for me.

However I realise there are plenty of ways in which Bfing is a problem for many. I was quite lucky to be able to do it.

Flllightattendant · 14/02/2008 05:48

...I don't understand why breastfeeding should be any more time consuming than bottle feeding? Unless there is a separate issue of feeding on demand with the breast as opposed to feeding in a routine with the bottle?

I suppose it might be harder to get a stand-in if you are breastfeeding - ie it would involve expressing, which I never found terribly plausible and again, was lucky enough not to have to do.

That's the only difference I can see.