feel such a failure that bf didnt work out for us

[gingerbreadgirl]

hi
im feeling so bad that bf didn't work out for me and dd. i "moved her"[ie gave up] onto bottles at 3 weeks.
and deeply wish, i had stuck it out for longer, but it was so hard, i was crying all the time.
i was totally shattered and never had enough to satisfy dd.
she wanted feeding constantly even after feeding 45 mins both sides, she was still not satisfied
now dd is 6 months i still feel bad
how long do these sad feeling last

oh don't feel a failure, please please don't, you still gave her the best possible start.

I struggled lots in the early days with ds1 and know some of how you are feeling. It is horrible, and don't dismiss or push aside you're feelings, but really please don't feel a failure. Every drop of bm you got into her will have done her good.

your feelings

Oh Ginger,how sad for you.
It's really really hard work. Everyone konws that.

Did you feel that you had good enough support from those around you?

What do you think might have contributed to yuo being able to breastfeed for longer?

Would it help to offload about it to a trained b/f counsellor because you can do that through the various phone helplines.

I think a lot of people give up because they are not given the confidence to trust in their own bodies. When babies feed for a long time,it isn't because they are not satisfied.It is their way of stimulating the breasts to produce more,Thus the more they feed,the more milk is produced. It is a simple case of supply and demand.

Also they like to suck.It is a primal thing.

ginger, stop being so hard on yourself!

she got three weeks of the best food around.

AND, she's got the rest of her life to lead.

it's a long continuum.

try focusing on the wonderful changes that are happening every day and what's to come in the future than what's in the past.

who can a mum who loves her girl so much be a failure?

dd is now nearly 6 months and I gave up after 5 days. Lately, all the sad feelings have come back for me too and about the birth. Wonder if it's something about them hitting 6 months that brings all these feelings back?

Believe me there is a lot of us about.

You lasted longer than me, DS had a tongue tie, I had an emergency C-section, I didn't feel much in the way of love or caring I just felt exhausted all the time and I think had I not given up BF that situation would have got worse.

You BF for three weeks which is a great start for your daughter.

My DS is 20mths and I still feel a little sad that I didn't manage to stick at BF but honestly he is a happy runaround toddler and I feel for all of us I made the best decision I could have at the time.

I'm sure you are doing a great job so just give yourself a pat on the back for doing what you could and try to move on.

gingerbreadgirl - you did a hell of a lot better than me. I "gave up" at 2 weeks with ds and almost immediately with dd. I still feel sad sometimes but I know that it was the best for me and on balance for them too. It was just too stressful and upsetting (long story that i don't want to go into) Now they are both very healthy kids and are none the worse for it.

Don't feel bad - feel good that you gave her 3 weeks of the best

I gave up BF dd at 6 weeks and was consumed with guilt. She's 2.8 now and I honestly don't feel bad about it any more - she's happy & healthy, and DH loved being able to give her feeds.

I've managed to successfully BF ds since but was very open-minded - if it worked out great but if not I wasn't going to beat myself up again, life is too short.

Well done for giving her a great start - sometimes BF can be unbelievably difficult, I cried so much trying to feed dd.

You love your baby and have done your very best for her. You also have to do your very best for the person caring for your precious bundle, and that is yourself. If you treat yourself half as well as you treat your little one, I'm sure you will start to feel better soon.

It is very hard with a new baby, but it is also very rewarding. I bf both my boys for as long as I could, 6 weeks for one and 3 for the other. I felt guilty with both. The bottom line for me was that self preservation kicked in - and as I felt so much better when I stopped bf I had more energy for my babies and felt better in my self and my husband says that he stopped worrying about me as I was not as exhausted all the time.

Bf can be a lifestyle choice - it isnt for everyone. Anyway, treat youself to some very pretty bras anda lipstick and feel better about yourself, you are obviously a lovely caring woman and your little girl is very lucky to have you as her mummy.

good luck!

i go from feeling
oh well at least i tried

to
oh no im a failure
what am i going to do if dd ever has a baby, how am i going to help her if she want to bf

then i think why am i thinking this ?

i feel mad i didn't stick with it because i wanted to

moondog
my answers to your qustions

"Did you feel that you had good enough support from those around you?"
no i had no support,when i was feeding dd for hours and hours on end dh would say this is crazy put her on bottles
my mum would say she isnt getting enough
her nappies are green
she should be satisfied on your milk by now
your milk isnt anygood
hv kept telling me to top up,and when we did it seemed so easy

"What do you think might have contributed to yuo being able to breastfeed for longer?"
number one support and encouragment maybe apprication from dh that i was doing the best for OUR daughter

"Would it help to offload about it to a trained b/f counsellor because you can do that through the various phone helplines."
no i feel far to bad to do that

I think a lot of people give up because they are not given the confidence to trust in their own bodies. When babies feed for a long time,it isn't because they are not satisfied.It is their way of stimulating the breasts to produce more,Thus the more they feed,the more milk is produced. It is a simple case of supply and demand.

i totally agree with this and i did understand it,i just buckled under the pressure of everyone telling me i shouldn't be feeding so often and dd should be satisfied and settled between feeds, well there was never any between it was one long feed

Ginger, your story sounds similar to mine and I remember asking the HV when the guilt would go. DS is 8mo now and, actually, though it took a while the guilt has gone. I'll try again with any other dcs I might have - and I'd always encourage mums-to-be to give breast feeding a go - but other issues and excitements have now come up and the importance of feeding has receded.

Oh gingerbreadgirl I'm so sorry to hear you're sad.

You're not alone you know. Nine out of ten women who move to bottles before six weeks would have preferred to bf longer. Lots of women feel the same.

I echo everything moondog says.

Did you have lots of support? Did someone to say to you, "that's okay, babies sometimes like to suck for ages, I'll just check your latch though in case... now let's show you how to the baby lying down so you can get some rest and some kip. No, don't worry about the housework, I'll do it while you're asleep, that way you can relax without having to worry about what's left for you to do," or something along those lines?

No? Don't feel a failure. It can be very tough to bf and can be hard to find support if you don't know where to look.

You gave your dd three weeks of breastmilk!

Again as moondog says might it help to talk it through with someone from one of the helplines? They are really nice people and will not judge you in any way.

You're in good company then. Most UK women do not bf.

You have given your dc an excellent start with bf, giving them the collustrum and the immunity your milk brings.

Now give yourself a break & stop beating yourself up.

A happy, contented mum = happy, contented baby. Bottle feeding makes you happy and makes baby happy.

gingerbreadgirl

I could have written your post (I stopped breastfeeding ds at 4 weeks, partly for the reasons you describe).

The feelings you describe hit me hard when he was about three months...I was so angry with myself for not being a stronger person and just getting on with it. I couldn't believe I'd just given up. I had to force myself to remember what it was like - dreading every feed, feeling constantly exhausted. I needed to remind myself that I didn't give up lightly. I still felt bad, on and off till he was about 12 months but since then it has been a lot better.

Recently a close friend went through a really tough time with bf her newborn ds...she rang in tears to ask how I felt when I gave up with my ds. I told her the truth - that I felt relieved and much happier when I first stopped, then horrendous about it afterwards...but that now he is a rampaging, happy and generally lovely toddler, I give it little thought. I don't know if I said the right thing or not...but it's the truth. (Luckily due to a fantastic hv her problems got sorted and she got back on track with bf).

Big, big hugs to you and I do hope you feel better about it soon.

Xposts, gingerbreadgirl your story makes me so and also at the lack of support for you.

I suppose it's too easy to say "don't feel guilty" as that denies what you're really feeling. If anything, if it were me, I'd feel more angry than guilty that I hadn't gotten the support I deserved.

Not so much angry at individuals, but angry at the "system" for not seeing breastfeeding as important enough to fully train HVs and other HCPs in supporting women - and their families - with breastfeeding.

I am on your behalf, if that makes sense.

As for moving forward however, what is it you miss about breastfeeding? I ask as there are other ways to get the closeness of breastfeeding (skin to skin cuddles, sling wearing, taking baths together etc.) if that is one of the things you miss.

beewise do you mind telling me why it didnt work out for ? of course if you prefer not to i totally understand, just be nice to chat to someone in the same boat

I am so sorry that you did not get the support you needed. Please don't feel bad - you tried your best and it is so hard. There is a saying that I like - a radiator needs to be warm to heat others. You needed to be happy yourself to make your baby happy so you made the best choice for you at that moment in time with the resources that were available to you.

the things is i really hate my dh now
ive never resented him for anything before, i don't want to feel that way about him but i do

i feel like im always gonna hold it against him

i try to put it behind me but i just can't

even old ladies talk about how they fed there babies, it really seems as if its something that always lives with you

like when the next person that get pregnant is gonna ask how i fed my baby

oh ginger, how that you were so undermined. It just shows how vital a supportive 'environment' is to bf. I was lucky enough to have it.

But why he said that is all important. My guess would be concern for you, born out of love.

like everyone who has given up bf I've got a long story and I still find it too painful to analyse properly but I do remember making the decision to stop in the middle of the night when I absolutely felt like I would lose my mind if I had to do this for one more day. It was like DD didn't have a clue what to do once she was latched on. She had a difficult birth which probably traumatised me a bit too.

My dp was very supportive (he even came with me to an NCT bf class when I was pregnant) but I do wish he'd kept other people away a bit more and given us some more space. (But let's not turn this into another MIL rant). Maybe I'm a bit angry with him about that.

I found it very difficult to deal with my body being public property and I was worried about the dread I felt as DD started to get hungry.

Also DD was getting weaker and weaker and more and more lethargic.

Finally, bizarrely, my milk never seemed to come in. I'm guessing that's physiologically impossible but it just didn't seem to happen.

that's a lot of random thoughts isn't it?

yes and also because it was too much bother

ive stared being horrible to him which isnt going to help any of us but i can't seem to help it

he is doing some professional exams for his work and it is v v difficult and anytime he says anything like hes finding it difficult, i just say to him.
well stop doing it then all this working and studyng is too much.
you obviously can't cope
you don't need to do it etc

ven though he is working hard for all of us and studing to furthr his job

its almost as if i want to get my own back

i know its not constructive and he wants me to say oh i know your working hard fopr us and i know these xams are difficult but your doing really well, we are really proud of you

but because i resent him and fel he didnt suppport me when i really needed it
i cannot support him

i don't know what i do if he ever had an affair !

thanks for sharing that with me beewise.it means alot to me
thankyou