feel such a failure that bf didnt work out for us

[gingerbreadgirl]

hi
im feeling so bad that bf didn't work out for me and dd. i "moved her"[ie gave up] onto bottles at 3 weeks.
and deeply wish, i had stuck it out for longer, but it was so hard, i was crying all the time.
i was totally shattered and never had enough to satisfy dd.
she wanted feeding constantly even after feeding 45 mins both sides, she was still not satisfied
now dd is 6 months i still feel bad
how long do these sad feeling last

Oh gingerbreadgirl, I just had to add my story. You're not alone, as I think all the other posts have shown, and in fact, your post has reminded me that I'm not alone either.

I only managed to bf exclusively for 5 days, during which time my DD lost 20% of her body weight. She was terribly ill, and God knows what might have happened had we not realised all was not well. At A&E they realised she was dehydrated and starving, so they pumped her full of fluid and gave her formula. She took it like a shot and we were so relieved to see that hunger was probably the reason why she was so poorly. She was in hospital for 2 days. It was awful, and I felt sick to think what I had been doing might have killed her.

My milk came and went. I was having trouble latching on soon after she was born and nooone noticed. The weaker DD became, the more she struggled, and the more frantic I became.

To cut a long story short, we mixed feed now. I expressed and expressed and expressed and managed to get a supply going but no matter how often I offer the breast I cannot satisfy her. But she got the most important first feeds, and she's still getting some. She seems to have no trouble switching from breast to bottle, and when I get her going, it's lovely.

I hope you work it all out, and what's really important is that you are happy. DD's 9 weeks now and bizarrely, when I decided to stop breastfeeding about 5 weeks ago, I became far more relaxed about it, and now I know she's getting my milk (colour of her poo!).

Much love.

Awww, MM

Your story is not that uncommon on mumsnet....days going by before the poor mum comes to the conclusion that the baby is poorly, in this case, dehydrated, at a time when she is more or less surrounded by people whose job it is to observe that the baby is actually transferring milk.

I bet you were told you were doing ok, were you?

It's not too late to write to the director of midwifery to detail what happened, and to say what a near miss you experienced and how this radically changed you and your baby's feeding.

Hi Ginger - just wanted to say that you obviously love your baby SO much and want the best for her more than anything, which alone makes you a fantastic mother.

I do think it's hard for DPs to get it - like others have said, all they see is you getting upset and frustrated about something which seems to them as if it's just not worth the heartache. Re the shower thing - we had similar episodes (and of course it's not TMI - this is mumsnet!), again though in an ideal world they would appreciate it's a billion times worse for us (erm, especially when they find a) joking about the piles cushion and b) mentioning the sieve EVERY time the birthing pool comes up ) REALLY entertaining), it's just such an overwhelming time for them and as much as they can't possibly put themselves in our shoes, it's equally hard (if not, IMHO, as imperative!) for us to put ourselves in theirs.

Don't worry about not being able to bf a second baby, I'm sure you will. Please don't blame yourself, it sounds like you had no support at all and in those circumstances I know I (and am sure thousands/millions of others) would have found it much harder than I did - especially re Mum who should bvtt out next time . I find it SO hard to be objective about what my mum and (elder) sister say - even if rationally I know I disagree with them, it's like I have a deeply programmed instinct to subordinate. Next time (and/if you decide to try relactating) we will be your support network!

Do try and talk it over with your partner - I think Relate is a great idea as a) it helps him realise the strength of your emotions and b) it will be good to have a third person there - I know my DP (with whom I am madly in love and who I hated frequently in the first year after DD's birth!) would have taken any attempt to discuss his lack of support as deeply accusatory and therefore reacted defensively/unconstructively.

Just wanted to say that I really feel for you, you obviously worship your daughter and want the best for her, but you must also let your guilt go (it is NOT YOUR FAULT) and give yourself a break.

bvtt = butt, by the way - used to draconian email police at work so always use silly spellings for 'naughty' words.

I stopped bf my DS at only 2 weeks - on the recommendation of a nurse at the hospital!

He wouldn't feed at all so we weren't allowed to go home and I was at the stage of tears.

Her theory was would you rather have a baby who is not getting enough milk and has a totally upset mummy or a baby who is content with a happy mum.

Even those precious couple of weeks help to give your baby the best start.

than you for all being so kind better, i spoke to dh at lunchtime he often calls to see how we are[so hes no ogre] said could we have achat tonight, he said yes

just don't think he
knew how much it ment to me, his arguement at the time was its just milk

one thing that upsets me is if dd every has a baby and wants to bf
how am i going to help her?
i know i would never say the shit things my mum said to be
but i just want to be there for her in everyway[i might start a thread asking this]
how would i be able to help ?
so far ive thought of
telling her how well she is doing
making sure she is not worried about housework or anything else
getting her drinks and snacks

although maybe she won't even have or want kids !

Ginger,you've exactly got it, the way a mother needs to help a breastfeeding daughter.

You only need to think back to your own breastfeeding and what was helpful for you.

thanks moondog im feeling so much happier today

Gingerbreadgirl there is a yahoo group for mothers just like you, who have been unable to breastfeed and are grieving at the loss of their breastfeeding relationship.

It is here. It is run by MOBI, which I think Tiktok mentioned earlier (Mothers Overcoming Breastfeeding Issues). You will be able to talk to like-minded mothers who will understand why you are so devastated.

Just a few more thoughts:

You said your dd hasn't lost her latch and will suckle at the breast. Have you thought of using a Supplemental Nursing System for some of her feeds? It's basically a way to feed formula milk (or EBM if you have any) at the breast, so maintaining that closeness. And you never know, baby's suckling might ensure she gets some of your own milk too. Mothers of adopted babies often use these. SNS.

Also, in the Baby Book, Dr. Sears talks about bottlefeeding with love. It's basically bottle feeding whilst giving your baby skin to skin contact, lots of eye contact and holding the baby in a similar position to that which you would if you were bf.

HTH.

I'm glad things seem a little brighter today gingerbreadgirl, and I hope you had a good chat with your DH.

I'm in awe of you considering trying to re-lactate, and if you go ahead with it, I hope you get all the support that you need

and there is always lots of moral support available on MN!

Gingerbread.

Pls don't beat yourself up about thinking you could have tried harder. Thats with hindsight. At the time, things were obviously very tough. And you did what you thought (and everyone else TOLD you) was best.

I promise, second time around, the whole birth / post birth thing is not such a shock / fog and so you are much more switched on and able to figure out what to do. And able to stand up for what you want much more easily cos you are much more wise having been through the mill once before.

I think as tiktok suggests, if you can put her do the breast and get that closeness without having to worry about actually feeding / milk coming out.. that would be brill!

had a good old chat with dh tonight
think the penny may of dropped as to just how bad i feel about it all

i hope i can stop being horrible to him and myself

thanks for all the support

i really mean that

That's great news Gingerbreadgirl. And great news about putting your DD to the breast as well. You go girl!

Ginger,

exactly the same happened to me with my DD1.

After 3 weeks of hell, she chewed my nipples, which were broken, bleeding, had shooting pains all over my body, a crying darling wanted to be on my breast but i couldn't resist the pain... I developed Mastitis, blood infection, the works!! I had 3 midwifes telling me i was doing the right thing but it didn't feel right for me.

I cried, i felt a failure for a few months and envied all the breastfeeding momas outhere.

At 3 weeks i decided to swith to formula.
It work for me and my little one.

She is very bright, lovable, affectionate, intellingent, has only had 2 colds in 2 years, already bilingual...

I now don't feel like a failure... i believe there is so much pressure to do the "right thing" but sometimes the right thing for someone is not the right one for you, your baby and your family.

Hope the sun shines your way and you stop feeling down about your decision!

hi gingerbread girl - just wanted to say that I could also have written your op - I still cry about the fact hat I failed to breastfeed my dd (5 months). I just cuddle her and cry and tell her i'm sorry - it breaks my heart. I thought i'd got over the overwhelming guilt until one of my close friends had a baby and i sat watching her breastfeed and it just brought it all back. My dh had no idea how unhappy i still was about it and we had a big helpful chat recently. I really hope that if i have another baby that I will be successful - but I know that I will always feel guilty for my beautiful dd - who, by the way is a thriving happy gorgeous wee girl! Just wanted to send you hugs and let you know that you are not alone and that you (and I) have to let the guilt go.

good news about your DH ginger. You are talking about it and that is the start to getting through this together.

keep talking, and good luck xx

Oh yes,brilliant news about yuor dh Ginger.I guarantee that if he acknowledges your feelings and listens to what you have to say, you will feel a whole lot better.
Sleep well.

Gingerbreadgirl I had been looking for this everywhere and now I've found it. It's from an article by Diane Wiessinger (bf expert) about guilt:

Guilt is a concept that many women embrace automatically, even when they know that circumstances are truly beyond their control. (My mother has been known to aoplogize for the weather.)

Women's (nearly) automatic assumption of guilt is evident in their responses to this scenario: Suppose you have taken a class in aerodynamics. You have also seen pilots fly planes. Now, imagine that you are the passenger in a two-seat plane. The pilot has a heart attack, and it is up to you to fly the plane. You crash. Do you feel guilty?

The males I asked responded: "No, because I would have done my best." "No. I might feel really bad about the plane and the pilot, but I wouldn't feel guilty." "No. Planes are complicated to fly, even if you've seen someone do it."

What did the females say? "I wouldn't feel guilty about the plane, but I might about the pilot, because there was a slight chance that I could have managed to land the plane." "Yes, because I'm very hard on myself about my mistakes. Feeling bad and feeling guilty are all mixed up for me." "Yes, I mean, of course, I know I shouldn't but I probably would." "Did I kill someone else? If I didn't kill anyone else, then I don't feel guilty." Note the phrases "my mistakes", "I know I shouldn't", and "Did I kill anyone?" for an event over which these women would have had no control!

The mother who opts not to breastfeed, or who does not do so as long as she planned, is doing the best she can with the resources at hand. She may have had the standard "breast is best" spiel (the course in aerodynamics) and she may have seen a few mothers nursing at the mall (like watching the pilot on the plane's overhead screen). That is clearly not enough information or training. But she may still feel guilty. She's female.

MerryXMoss I could kiss you. I really could. You wouldn't want me to because I've got a cold and anyway I kiss like an over-excited St Bernard but if I could reach you, you'd be getting a big smacker right now.

I'm crying so am off to make a big cup of tea for rehydration purposes.

Just brilliant.

gingerbreadgirl - I know it's all been said in the other posters' messages but I wanted to add my support. I gave up bf both of my dcs (dd 2.9 and ds 4m) at 10 days and, although it was a relief at the time, I shed many tears over it a few days afterwards. I had no support from any of the midwives who came to see me in the early days and by the time I managed to get some help I was in so much pain I just couldn't cope. I had some great support from mn but not from dh. When the problems were at their worst he told me to ff and I was so upset that I agreed. It was all I could think about for a couple of months and I had trouble sleeping because of it. I kept thinking that I didn't try hard enough. I stopped worrying with dd a long time ago but I still feel sad about stopping with ds as he's still so young. It's made me determined to succeed next time as I've learnt such a lot from both experiences. I've just got to persuade dh to be more supportive this time and not mention the 'f' word at the first sign of trouble.

Hi there, each of these babies are born with a massive bag of guilt. It comes out after the placenta... didn't you see it??? Believe me, if you weren't feeling bad about that you would be feeling bad about something else.

You can't change the past, but you can take today as a new day and a new start. That's all you can do. When you feel bad about something you can't change, put it behind you and try again. You can't try again with breastfeeding now, but you can do something else instead that will make you feel closer to your baby.

Don't blame your husband, or anybody else. Ultimately it is your body, your baby and your decision. He probably just told you what you were wanting to hear (at the time) if you are brutally honest with yourself.

It sounds to me as though there is more going on than breastfeeding guilt. Like possibly having difficulty adjusting to motherhood. If that's the case then you can channel energies into other areas. A yoga class one evening a week, joining a gym, nights out with friends, a babysitter so you and your husband can rediscover life together. Things that will help boost your self-esteem and improve your mood.

When your next child comes along (assuming you want another) then you can do it your way... and do it with the help and advice from a breastfeeding counsellor rather than husband, family or hv (who know sod all about bf in my opinion).

S x

I have to admit you're right slefley about dh telling me what I wanted to hear but he really doesn't want me to bf again. He has told me that I should ff from birth next time. He is very emotional and has difficulty in providing me the support that I need in the middle of the night when I'm in tears because I'm in so much pain/extremely tired. He seems to fall apart more than I do. I need to be able to lean on him when I have to so I don't know how I'm goin g to cope with the next baby. I do intend to get in touch with a bf counsellor but dh is going to have to be the main source of support and encouragement.

Sorry to hijack your post gingerbread girl

GillL and ginger I just wanted to say that the NCT run one-off antenatal bf classes (cost about £8-10) which husbands and partners are very welcome at. At mine there were 8 women and 4 of us had our partners with us. Perhaps if they understand more next time about how bf works they'll feel better able to support you.

Thanks BeeWiseMen. I didn't know they did that. I'll look for a local class when the next one's on the way.