feel such a failure that bf didnt work out for us

[gingerbreadgirl]

hi
im feeling so bad that bf didn't work out for me and dd. i "moved her"[ie gave up] onto bottles at 3 weeks.
and deeply wish, i had stuck it out for longer, but it was so hard, i was crying all the time.
i was totally shattered and never had enough to satisfy dd.
she wanted feeding constantly even after feeding 45 mins both sides, she was still not satisfied
now dd is 6 months i still feel bad
how long do these sad feeling last

Ginger,would it help to talk through the whole b/feeding thing with him then?

i think a lot of men (and other family members) undermine b/feeding without there being any malicious feelings involved. They see someone they love who is exhausted and worried and frightened and maybe even in pain. Also they don't really understand how breastfeeding works. They really are probably only trying to be kind 9in their own sadly misguided way) by steering you towards the formula.

Three weeks worth o breastmilk is a precious amount.

Ginger, it's a wonder you managed 3 weeks with all the discouragement you had. A lot of it was borne out of the ignorance of the people around you. I don't mean that pejoratively, just that they didn't know how to help you and wanted the problem to go away, so urged you to switch.

You can still have lots of skin to skin contact with a ff baby, and lots of cuddles when feeding. (And when not feeding of course!)

I was ff myself after very few weeks of bf (my mother can't remember how many) and I am probably healthier than most women of my age. I also bf 3 babies successfully myself, so don't worry for your baby on that score.

I'm sorry you didn't have access to better help. If you ever have another baby and want to give bf another go, I suggest seeing or phoning a counsellor when you are still pg. It is free and she will be pleased to help you, giving information and talking through your last experience. Just contact one of the bf organisations eg NCT, La Leche League, Breastfeeding Network.

ginger I hope it was some help. I'm doing a lot of deep thinking about your posts but dp absolutely needs the laptop back shortly for important football forum stuff . If I can think of anything at all helpful to say I will be back tomorrow. Please take good care of yourself. You made the best decision you could make at the time which is pretty much what being a parent is all about.

you have managed 3 wks,well done. i thought was first few days were the important ones. i bf for 1 mth my 2 children, and hated it, v unconfortable, i was ill (fluy etc) through out and felt awful thoughout, once i moved to bottles they slept v well, so did i, and i felt ok again, no leaking boobs, able to go out leaving a bottle ready in fridge etc.

move on!

my children now older and as 'hannah montana' (sky chanel something or other) would say in tennessee accent - 'build a bridge and get over it'

This is going to sound mad and weird no doubt so please feel free to disregard but this is what I would be tempted to do if I felt as down and bad as you clearly do.

I'd pump to get the supply back. (Or even get your dh to make ammends by ... er ... helping you out. Aparently once you've lactated you can do again even years after the milk has dried up.)

Then I'd begin slowly offering your dd BM from the bottle. Then offer from the breast. It would take patience and dedication and you may just not want to go there so again ignore if I sound ludicrous and rest assured this is well meant.

Best case scenario: She likes the milk and the cuddle factor and you have another year, even two, of breastfeeding for her.

If she doesn't take to it, you know you've done your absolute best possible and you know that if you have another again you are wiser and confident enough to demand the support and appreciation you deserve.

Of course the problem with the latter would be the risk of you working so hard again and it not coming off after you got your hopes up. If you feel that's a risk then this strategy isn't for you.

I think people are right that you need to work this out with your dh and let him know how you feel.. Otherwise you could be storing up problems for later. I speak from experience.

All the best of luck with this. I'm really sorry you were so let down and frustrated.
x

Ginger - you sound so like I was a few months back.

Firstly re your DH. Moondog is absolutely right and mine was the same. I think I blamed him for a long time until I realised that I was using him a bit like a scapegoat for the way I felt about myself. He only had mine and DS's best interests at heart and it is incredibly hard to watch someone you love suffering.

I did actually manage to breastfeed a little until DS was 4.5 months but we had so many problems from the start that I felt like a real failure. From 2 weeks a large proportion of DS's milk was formula.

When my milk dried up I think a lot of what I missed was the closeness aspect, but this didn't really hit me until a few months later. I think someone else suggested trying other things to achieve that closeness. I did buy a sling for example, and that really helped. I'd recommend thinking about something like that.

The other thing that really helped once DS hit 6 months was weaning. I felt like I was back in some kind of control of what was going into his body. I focussed on providing him with the best food I possibly could and that really helped combat the feelings of guilt.

DS is 16 months now and I still feel sad about the whole experience, but what has changed is that I am no longer blaming myself. You will get over it but it will take time. Don't be too hard on yourself.

ginger I can't offer anything constructive but I really sympathise with your situation - my DS is 7 weeks old, I am breastfeeding still but my DP would love it if I gave up tomorrow and has made it so difficult at times.

I keep questioning if there will come a time when I need to make a choice, my relationship, or breastfeeding.

I've posted about it on here and got some great support, it really does help to get these things out.

The shock of the first few days and weeks of parenthood is bad enough without the realisation that you and your DP are at different ends of the scale. It has been hell at times and every day I'm surprised that we made it 'this' far.

Do not feel bad about things or beat yourself up about this.

well i think its true that dh partly wanted m to stop cuz he was worried about me. but also because it just seemed easier to use formula
i think his reasons where 50/50

ive told i feel he let me down,and all he will say is im sad that thats the only thing i think about and that i do not think about all the good things hes done and to be fair to him i did get top notch care when i was pg

its also true that im projecting alot of my feelings about myself bf onto him

its like i want to punish him
i really don't want this to be a problem between us,but i don't know how to stop it
how can i support him in his exams when i just keep saying if its too difficult just quit etc
im doing to him what he did to me

clara i had a very bad episosty [ sorry can't spell it] but u know what i mean, a v big cut
and had to have it stiched in on the operating table
and it was v difficult going to the toilet. one day i had to run to the downstairs loo as i was going to poo myself sorry if tmi but we all know what birth is like
anyway after going i needed to wash myself down in the shower as it was too painful to wipe dd was crying and dh .i when upstairs with my pants down to go for a shower well just a rinse really and dh went mad saying this is fucking ridiculas and thre i was in a state and thats the best he could fucking do

im so so angry with him

Oh bless you, you poor poor love.
God childbirth is hugely stressful.
My dh was a hoorid selfish pita (and he is usually the loveliest man in the world and I adore him) after i gave birth. Sulking about not being in our bed on the third night (he was back by the sixth) and crap like that.

The MW had to have a word with him even!

Gingerbreadgirl - try to think how it would have been if you had continued? Do you, deep down, believe you could have continued breastfeeding without it affecting your health and your bond with DD? I know you read all sorts of things about women being so bloody minded they got through it all, etc. etc. But that is irrelevant - the only thing that counts is how you felt. To be fair to your DH, it sounds like you also had bad advice from your HV and your mum seems to have undermined your confidence as well.

You know how men are, they're practical and they want quick fixes. I just don't think they realise how deeply we can be affected by something like breastfeeding. It sounds like he's been very supportive of you in other ways.

Please please try not to let it affect your relationship long term. I'm sure your DD is just as happy and healthy as if she had been exclusively breastfed. And just as important is that she has two happy parents.

x-posted - yes that does sound rather crap of your DH. Was he generally supportive then, or are there greater issues than just the feeding?

i think a really good session talking it over with a breastfeding counsellor would help you unload though. I am a member of Assoc. for Breastfeeding Mothers.

Their helpline is 08444 122 949

They get lots of calls like this and are very experienced at dealing with them.

Give them a bell tomorrow?

i think a really good session talking it over with a breastfeding counsellor would help you unload though. I am a member of Assoc. for Breastfeeding Mothers.

Their helpline is 08444 122 949

They get lots of calls like this and are very experienced at dealing with them.

Give them a bell tomorrow?

i feel to ashamed to talk to a bfc

yes it wasnt just my dh
my mum was much worst than him
always saying i was feeding too much and one time she actually took my baby from me
she was crying and put her in the pram.saying she isnt hungry she needs a sleep.
but i was in the post birth daze
the things she used to say to me like dd is not getting enough ,she should be satisfied on your milk by now, if you feed her that often your milk will be no good etc
keep going round in my head
but tbh mums anti bf anyway so i didnt expect any support from her

but i really expected more from dh

and now i truely feel this is going to be on of those deep seated resentment in our otherwise happy marraige

i dont know why i cant just think about the good things he has done[ like he tells me to]
but i just can't

yeah and the hv didnt help constanly tell us to top up

thanks for the advice for skin to skin i do that and i love it we also co bathe which we both love
i do have a great bond with dd and she is a happy baby
so im v v happy about that
shes the most precious thing in my lif and i feel like ive let her down
oh god now im crying
don't know what the hells up with me
why can't i just move on ?
why am i dwelling on this?

Ginger - have you tried writing all your feelings down? It might sound silly, but I did that and it has been really helpful to look back on. Perhaps it would help you to work through your own feelings about everything.

FWIW, I understand exactly what you mean about being too embarassed to talk to a BFC. Is everything else OK? Do you feel happy with your DD apart from this one issue? I'm just wondering whether you might be suffering from a touch of postnatal depression. Are there any sympathetic doctors perhaps that you could talk to? Or any of the HV's that you get on with?

ginger, atleast you tried luvvie. when your child is older you will realise that your choice of feeding is just but a small part of parenthood. [hug]

och ginger, you poor thing. i had a bad time of it too, it sucks. i really did find that weaning dd at 6 mos helped, particularly cos i did BLW and rightly or wrongly i felt like this helped me to get back on a 'natural' track by keeping goiing with demand feeding iykwim? i totally second Moony's advice to speak to a good BFC and agree with Twinkle that writing can help a lot. here, for example.

thanks for listening to me twinkle

ive written it all down as i was advised to do that by the midwife.
thinki need to try to talk to dh but how can i get him to really really listen to me
without he saying well why don't you just think about all the good things i did do
i think if i had some sort of acknowelgment from him it would help
otherwise i fear im going to destroy our realtionship with my resentment, i wish so much it didnt happen or that i could just flick a swith and forget it but i cant

i feel great about things with dd,like i said we do have a great bond. just wish id have stuck it out with bf

i don't think im depressed abd its only this thing i cannot seem to get past
maybe i should accept i will always feel this way ?

Yes, and do come back and read this thread again in a couple of months time. You might surprise yourself how differently you feel by then.

If you were to search on my name you'd find all sorts of stuff (some guff, some fairly coherent) which I wrote a few months ago about breastfeeding and childbirth. Occasionally I seek out those threads and re-read them. If I'm feeling down it helps me remember how far I've come.

thanks for all your support everyone its really helping to talk about it even if it is on an internet board

im v happy dd got my milk for 3 weeks

yes im really gonna make up for it when it comes to weaning im gonna look into blw i love all things natural.

have you noticed the way people always talk about how they fed
there babies even when they are really old ?
even my nan tells me what she used to do
that why i think i will always think about it
maybe i will forgt for a while than something will happeen to remind me

x-posted again lol.

Perhaps if you were to try to explain to your DH how you felt and feel about the whole breastfeeding experience, not just focussing on what he should/shouldn't have done? I don't know what you've already said to him, obviously. But you know I still don't think my DH really understands exactly why I feel how I feel, but he does know and appreciate that I feel that way. You'll probably never get your DH to admit he did anything wrong, but if can understand how you feel that's half the battle I'd say. Does that make sense at all?

It's none of my business, but did it take you a while to conceive your DD by any chance, or was it a difficult pregnancy? I only ask because it took me ages to conceive DS and I really think that contributed to my feelings.

Sadly you probably will always feel this way to a point. But you will think about it less and less and the feelings will fade when there are new things to focus on. Like the weaning thing for example. [Have you thought of BLW btw? Aitch has a great blog. I wish I'd known more about it!]

I know what you mean about resentment.

You say you feel too bad to speak to a bfc. I think they would be completely non-judgemental with you. I reckon you are your own harshest critic. I think you did well. Guilt seems to go hand in hand with being a parent.

I hope you're able to feel happier about your decision to stop bf'ing soon.