feel such a failure that bf didnt work out for us

[gingerbreadgirl]

hi
im feeling so bad that bf didn't work out for me and dd. i "moved her"[ie gave up] onto bottles at 3 weeks.
and deeply wish, i had stuck it out for longer, but it was so hard, i was crying all the time.
i was totally shattered and never had enough to satisfy dd.
she wanted feeding constantly even after feeding 45 mins both sides, she was still not satisfied
now dd is 6 months i still feel bad
how long do these sad feeling last

Hi gingerbreadgirl

hope you have had a good day. I just wanted to say that my husband and I went to 'marriage care' which is a charity that offers counselling to married couples. We were so strung out it was very useful to have the counsellor there to help explain things to us. They ask you to make a contribution to their costs but you decide how much. Just a thought.

I find it reassuring to hear that I am not alone. It is great the number of people who have come forward and said that bf did not work out and that by saying that we are upset about it we may be on the road to letting these feelings out and hopefully one day to let them go completely. We have to spend so much time pretending that things are 'fine' but we still have these broken hearts and inadequate feelings inside.
I don't mean to speak for anyone else, just for myself, but it seems as though there are quite a number on this thread who might be suffering the same kind of thing and I want to send you all a big hug (and an extra one for gingerbreadgirl) xxx

have not read the thread - apologies.

but having read your op, i just want to give you a great big virtual hug and say there is absolutely no point kicking yourself for something that couldnt be helped. you did your best with something, it didnt work out, you managed the situation with an (the) alternative. your baby is absolutely fine, and loved and thats about all she cares about.

sounds like pretty good parenting to me.

and if you have another, no doubt you will be better imformed and armed to get the help you need to continue, if you want to.

i am massively into breastfeeding - but theres no way i think anyone should for even a second, be berating themselves for things outside of their control.

i nearly 'gave up' with ds1 as well, and like to think that if i had, id be able to live with my decision. it was LUCK that meant we turned a corner and it got better for us, nothing i did that was clever or special in any way. now how does that make your actions and mine any 'better' or 'worse' than the other?

try to concentrate on all the wonderful things you can and no doubt do, do with your baby now and in the future, rather than wasting energy worrying about the past. and stop trying to be perfect, we none of us are.

Sorry for coming a bit late to this thread & for not reading all of it, but I really wanted to tell of my experience of talking to our local breastfeeding counsellor, I'd really recommend it.

I had problems feeding my son and stopped after a week, so went to see the bfc when pregnant with my daughter. Her words were "I think you're marvellous for wanting to try again", it immediately made me feel better. She didn't judge or tell me where she thought I'd "gone wrong", but just listened to my story and had some ideas that might help second time round.

I still had some problems feeding my daughter, but with those ideas and a further visit to the bfc, plus a bit of help from the midwife who delivered my daughter, I got past those problems.

I breast fed my daughter for 19 months and didn't need a single ounce of formula in all that time - that bfc can take a whole lot of credit for that!

Hi,
have been reading mumsnet for years but never bothered looging in. This thread caught my attention. I have three boys. I bf my first for two weeks, my second for 8 and my third for 5 months. I always manage(d) to justify why I "couldn't" bf my eldest - difficult labour, fourth degree tear meant I couldn't sit, feeding all the time etc. But then there is always someone with a worse condition who managed to do it. I do feel sad/bad about the choice I made, but at the time it was all I could do to get through a very difficult time. I had a go with numbers 2 and 3 and I think I was able to do it longer with the others as I felt more ready as a person and a parent to do it.

However my eldest is now 5 years old. He is as fit, healthy and intelligent as his breast fed peers. I stopped breast feeding him at two weeks because I was really unhappy, didn't know what to do and bottle feeding gave me a breather and a sensation of getting a bit of me back. At the time it was all I could do. The space bottle feeding gave me allowed me to love my little boy and enjoy him to the full and my relationship with him now is testament to this. It was different with each of my children but my theory is: let go of the guilt and sadness so that you can really enjoy your baby. You're not doing anything wrong by bottle feeding your baby, you might feel less sad if you truly believed that.

Hi gingerbreadgirl again, have just had a bit of a closer read of the thread. My story with my first is very similar i think. On reflection I remember feeling like a huge failure because I couldn't do the most natural thing in the world - deliver my baby, without having huge medical complications. Husband and Mum all keen to help but not in a way which i recognise now as being the help i needed. I couldn't breast feed and I was barely continent so how could I ever be like a proper woman again. Basically everything was really shitty for a while and its only looking back that i realise it. Hubby (is that DH??) also traumatised by the delivery and desperate to do something practrical to help encouraged the bottle as a "solution" and ranted about how ridiculous the whole situation was. We got through it as he was only trying his best to look after me, we can't all have new age touchy feely partners, mine's a bit of a caveman and it showed at this time. In retrospect I think I may have had a touch of Post Natal Depression as I was angry and blaming alot of the time and struggling to come to terms with what had happened to my physically during labour.

hi blissy, just wanted to say hi
i also had a 4th degree tear and i know how horrndeous it is, how are you now? are you well? i do hope so
worryingly 4th degree tears seem to be getting more common these days ive read alotof threads lately about them
you did well to go onto have more children

Am well now, thank you, - had elective c sections with no's 2 and 3. Would have been v scared to do it naturally - worried about higher risk of long term damage. I say well, but I think I feel very differently about myself now since the tear, but that could just be motherhood too. You ok?

just thought id read my old thread and let you know how im doing, well i still feel terrible about stopping bf. and i cannot seem to forgive my dh for his lack of support.

everytime he tells me about any problems in his life work or studying etc i just reply well if working and studying is too much for you than stop studying too.
i cannot offer him any more support than that, i am angry and bitter with him.
i have said i would go to relate with him but he doesnt want to.
hes too embaressed

when i needed help and support and him telling me i was doing a great job he just kept on at me telling me all this feeding non stop was ridiculous and to put dd on bottles he even got quite annoyed about it to.
so now i cannot support him.
great marriage eh ?

you poor thing
I haven't read the full thread, I'm sure someone else will have pointed out that you did breastfeed for 3 weeks. I'm so sorry it didn't work out any longer than that, it must have been difficult to keep going for as long as you did with no support from your dh. I understand why you are so angry with him. You both do need to talk and your relate idea is a good one. Does he realise how important this is to you? Would he go if he felt it was crisis point?
I don't know your DH (obviously ) but is it possible that he felt useless - there was nothing he could do to help? When I need support my DH often feels he needs to give a practical solution - if he can't he gets angry with himself and this can be directed at me.
Sorry if I'm not helping here, but didn't want this to go unanswered

I haven't read the whole thread and apologies if this has already been said but I do think that you need to a bf counsellor.

I only managed to bf for a short while and one of the reasons that I gave up bf was because of the encouragement to bottle feed from MIL, Mum and Dh. I agree with Stealthpolarbear men do feel they need to give a practical solution to a problem and the logical solution to your dh at the time was to bottlefeed, he wasn't suggesting it to undermine you but because he actually believed that it was the right thing to do and would fix the problem. Parenting is bloody hard work for both of you and it adds so many stresses and pressures, don't beat yourself or your dh up about it, it does get easier (I hope!).

ginger - you might well be helped with counselling. No, not breastfeeding counselling, as we can't help with marriages, but relationship counselling. You don't have to go with dh....they will see you on your own.

It's sad to read your story - and if he cares about your relationship, then of course he'll want to explore whatever ways there are to make it work, and get over his embarrassment (which may well be real, but shouldn't be overpwering).