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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

feel such a failure that bf didnt work out for us

136 replies

gingerbreadgirl · 11/12/2007 20:08

hi
im feeling so bad that bf didn't work out for me and dd. i "moved her"[ie gave up] onto bottles at 3 weeks.
and deeply wish, i had stuck it out for longer, but it was so hard, i was crying all the time.
i was totally shattered and never had enough to satisfy dd.
she wanted feeding constantly even after feeding 45 mins both sides, she was still not satisfied
now dd is 6 months i still feel bad
how long do these sad feeling last

OP posts:
Twinklemegan · 11/12/2007 23:18

And again!

You're right, people always talk about it and they can be downright blardy nosey as well. Like it's their business! But I think it goes to show how strong our feelings are, meaning you're far from alone in feeling how you do. Honestly, the painful feelings will fade. Believe me.

gingerbreadgirl · 11/12/2007 23:18

yes this whole guilt thing
its a new feeling for me.
must be path of the course for us mums

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gingerbreadgirl · 11/12/2007 23:20

thanks twinkle sorry hope im not boring you off loading it all !!
im gonna search your threads

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gingerbreadgirl · 11/12/2007 23:21

thanks everyone
you have no idea how much you are helping me

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AwayinaMargoNooNooCribForABed · 11/12/2007 23:21

I'm sure guilt is disguised love.

Twinklemegan · 11/12/2007 23:25

I've got to go to bed soon Ginger, but I'm glad it's helping to talk things through (so to speak). If nothing else, searching my threads should help you sleep lol.

gingerbreadgirl · 11/12/2007 23:30

ok night night

away lol think your right

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TheTwelveDAISYOfChristmas · 11/12/2007 23:30

gingerbreadgirl, I've been reading this and crying ....for you and for me.

Firt of all, you did a brilliant job feeding your DD for three weeks with little o no support. It is so hard, even when it goes well; it's also energy sapping when you are both tired and stressed.

I fed my DS (nowe 5) for five weeks before swapping to FF. I struggled from day 1 and had very little support (I was a single parent as well, so no-one to encourage). I felt like I had failed him; I was a 33 year old with a successful career so why couldn't I do the most basic thing for my DS? I also has an em c-section, so my failure was compounded by that. I struggled with these feelings for 6 months, didn't talk to anyone, bottled it all up and finally had a nervous breakdown when he was 7 months old and diagnosed with PND. It took me ages to get back on an even keel.

Please try to talk to someone in RL about how you feel. I finally talked to DSs dad (we were on great terms, just not together) and it helped so much to be able to do that. If you can talk to your DH, so much the better, as you really don't want this to come between you. It is possible that he was seeing you struggling and said what he thought you wanted to hear rather than what you needed to hear IYSWIM. It was also probably very hard for him seeing the woman he loves struggling and upset.

I now have a 27 week old DD, and although we have had our problems, we are still BFing. I did find though that the fact I've managed to do it with her has brought a lot of the old feelings with DS to the surface again, and I know that if I'd had the support, or even someone there to take him off me for half an hour while I re-grouped, or basically, the confidence that I've had with DD things would have been different.

I hope this makes sense.....basically, please talk to your DH, or a close friend, your GP or BF counsellor about your feelings. Things like this have a habit of not quite going away; you need to resolve it now before it takes over.

Your DD sounds like a fab wee girl as well

choosyfloosy · 11/12/2007 23:41

g'bread, i'd like to take your hand

[reaches through screen]

these feelings are awful but they fade away, they really do

if you're anything like me, it will help a lot when the bottles and the formula end - and that will be sooner than you think. i really disliked giving every formula feed, even though ds was quite happy on it.

i don't want to push this option onto you as i think you really have other concerns, but i tried relactating - never quite stopped bf but was down to very token suck per feed, and we did build up again for some weeks. long dull story but the main thing for me was that when i decided again to stop, i felt more wholehearted about the decision. i also felt strong enough to try it since i knew what level of 'support' i was going to get.

i think you need most of all to be allowed to talk to your dh without him interrupting or speaking, for 30 minutes solid. thing is, he will need the same.

there's an interesting thread up at the moment about 'are you in love or did you settle' - large, large number of posts saying 'i was madly in love, i am madly in love but while i had babies/small children, i HATED him'. What you feel now may not be forever.

hope you feel better for coming here = hope i haven't said anything to make stuff worse.

Twinklemegan · 11/12/2007 23:43

I'm still here (surprise, surprise)

Yes ChoosyFloosy is quite right. It also really helped me when I could stop giving bottles and formula (which I did when DS was 11 1/2 months old).

Trimum2 · 12/12/2007 00:45

I echo Choosyfloosy's words. I think we have a pretty strong marriage.. but boy there are times when I get so ANGRY with him and even yes... even hate him. never ever felt like this before babies. And its only ever in relation to stuff to do with babies / small children! this anger and resentment just wells from unknown depths. I hate myself for it, but can't help it.

To provide you with some cheer. I am a failed BF with DS1 (Thrush, mastitis and general lack of support from DH, Mum, MiL). I stopped at about 1 month. Basically everyone telling me that I should be giving him a bottle and not having the confidence to disagree (i was in a complete fog after a traumatic birth). I think its really hard unless you have close family or friends that have BF and can help you through the tough times (I didn't know about MN then though!). I was fighting a "bottle feeding" mindset in those around me.

The good news is that despite problems, I am doing okay with DS2 almost 6 months in. And loving it. I have left any guilt behind now. So hopefully you will get another chance if you have another baby. (I know that is not curing your guilt about this one, sorry)

I found myself better prepared this time to cope of BF as I knew a bit more about what to expect and wasn't so shocked by it. I made sure that I saw BF consultant in the early days, knew that there was help out there. Was able to head off thrush early this time so it didn't cripple us. Am still facing pressure from DH to stop but am sticking to my guns this time. I will stop on my terms this time around.

gingerbreadgirl · 12/12/2007 08:47

daisy,choosy and trimum thankyou so much for sharing your story with me.it mans so much to me. thanks for making me feel not quite so alone

where abouts is the
'are you in love or did you settle'
thread id lik to read that ?

yes i really do need to talk to dh, but all he will say is why don't you think of the good things i did
any ideas how i can get him to understand how letdown i feel by him.
i really feel like im always gonna hold this against him

my mum was much worse than him, but its him im so angry with, prob because i expected more from him
also because he doesnt really talk to me about it, its not helping

its so hard when he wants my support for his work, i just cannot give it.

do you thunk there is any chance i could still bf dd?i havent now for 5 months ?

thankyou so much for all the support
not feeling as bad as last night

OP posts:
moondog · 12/12/2007 09:28

Here is the thread Ginger

Glad you are feeling a bit better. It's not easy is it this mothering malarkey.
I hope you seek resolution with your dh.
Are you planning on having more childrn.
Lots of people gain a sense of closure and peace when they get the breastfeeding thing cracked second time aorund. \you could even give your firstborn some expressed milk.

There is a lovley thread about an oldtimer MNer (JARM) who is breastfeeding her third baby but who formula fed her first two.

She is so delighted with herself and we are delighted for her.

XX

gingerbreadgirl · 12/12/2007 09:35

thanksmoondog
im gonna try and talk to dh again tonight
off to read thread x

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moondog · 12/12/2007 09:38

You could also talk to the ABM people (I gave you the number earlier) about relactating. It would be very hard work but certainly there is a chance it owuld work.

gingerbreadgirl · 12/12/2007 10:03

has anyone ever relactated after 5 months
thinki will give them a call as im feeling a bit brighter today

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5goldrings4MONKEYBIRDs · 12/12/2007 10:09

Oh man, I've just read this whole thread and really feeling for you gingerbread...

I think all of us who have found BF really fucking gruelling, whether or not we've stopped or continue, are only a hair's breadth away from each other.

And yes, your mum and your DH might have needed a big MN slapping but let's face it, its ALL our faults and not yours: you - in the middle of all the negativity - did your very best for your particular mummy/baby bond...

...In a society where grown men can't watch a BF mother without muttering Bitty and sniggering; where every health professional you come across shouts 'top up' and 90% of them have no idea how BF works; where no-one sees their relatives BF anymore, and their favourite comment is 'are you still feeding that baby' or 'are you sure you're milk will be good enough'; where antenatal classes just vaguely mutter 'you'll be fine'; where other women undermine you because they're confused, worried about their own bodies; where women are told to feed in the toilets; AND where BF is often fecking painful, long, difficult, demoralising and unsupported - is it any wonder?

And don't get me started... No, Fuck it, I'm gonna get started anyway: add ALL this to a society in which women, and mothers in particular, are supposed to juggle being all-bountifully serene but silent, allproviding as well as slim, sexy and smooth (ha! that was someone's bad joke wasn't it?), while being 'good girls' so their mothers and partners don't feel bad.

sorry to go on, but just wanted to point out, in the circs, there's absolutely no reason for you to feel guilty or ashamed, and absolutely every reason for everyone else to!

That probably doesn't help, and on the personal level, I'd second the idea of getting it off your chest (you and DH could see a Relate counsellor if you're genuinely finding it hard to forgive him?). But please remember, we're encouraged to assume everything is our personal responsibility and 'fault' - some of it is, but most of it happens in a social context...

tiktok · 12/12/2007 10:54

Brill post, monkey.

Ginger, all infant feeding, however it's done, is carried out in a social and emotional and cultural context. No woman/mother is an island!

You can certainly talk about relactating with the counsellor, but no one should pretend to you that it is anything other than a difficult proposition this far on.

One option for you would be to think about what you really feel you miss about bf - is it. perhaps, the warm and loving physical connection? If so, you can recreate this a lot more easily than bringing in your milk again by deliberately engineering frequent opportunities every day and night for skin to skin contact, baby sleeping on your chest, co-bathing, co-sleeping, lots of cuddles and play.

There's a thread from a little while back with a discussion from me on being on the 'bottle feeding bus' when you had bought a ticket for the breastfeeding bus

here and you could also look at MOBI, Mothers Overcoming Breastfeeding Issues, which is fab www.mobimotherhood.org

5goldrings4MONKEYBIRDs · 12/12/2007 10:58
gingerbreadgirl · 12/12/2007 11:05

thanks monkey you have really summed it up, not only was there there pressure from dh and mum and hv
but from the rest of society
for example we went out when dd was only 2 weeks old. and i had to feed her of course, got alsorts of looks the rolling of the eyes looks and tuts and then was even asked if i could do that in the baby changing room and yes this baby changing room was a disabled toilet with a pull down nappy changer

this was also a factor that tipped me over the edge ,so to speak

if i ever had another baby i would love to bf

im going to tell dh tonight that i want us to go to relate , at least then he will realise the strength of my feelings
i hope

OP posts:
tiktok · 12/12/2007 11:11

monkey, do get up....you're making the place look untidy.

Ginger, good luck with your chat to dh.

gingerbreadgirl · 12/12/2007 11:13

thank you the links tiktok
yes i do co bathe and i cuddle/hold dd non stop
we also have snuggles on the bed

you are so knowledgeable tiktoc i wish i was you, how many babies have you bf if you don't mind me asking?

the thing i miss is feeling ive done the best for dd
when i hand on heart feel i could of tried harder

think i really was in a post birth fog, but then again arent we all

if i had another baby it doesnt mean that cuz it didn't work out this time it won't next

just put dd to the breast and she did suck, dont think she got anything though

think i really need to stop punishing dh

OP posts:
tiktok · 12/12/2007 11:21

Ginger, it's lovely to put your baby to the breast, and fab that she sucked for a bit...do it whenever you want to do it. Getting the milk is secondary to re-establishing that bit.

Mothers are vulnerable to many influences in the weeks after birth, and it is really a breeze for anti-breastfeeding people to undermine them...nothing is easier. As you say, you feel in a 'fog', and no one is up for a fight at that time.

Canadiandream · 12/12/2007 11:22

Hi gingerbreadgirl,
I totally understand how you're feeling about bfeeding not working out for you.

I had an awful time bfeeding ds and stopped at around 3 weeks (but carried on expressing for 7months which was a nightmare and I just would not do it again).

Ds' latch was never good (even with help from mws, hvs, bfeeding consultant) so EVERY feed was agony and I had horribly split nipples which didn't heal til I stopped. By the 3 week growth spurt and with me crying every single feed and in a deep dark depression, in the middle of the night I just could NOT do it any more.

Ds is now 18mo and I have come to terms with our experience and I know that when/if we have another baby I would make the same decision again, but would not express this time. It took me ages to bond with ds and I might as well have written off the first few weeks with him - it is just a nightmare to look back on.

I truly believe the decision to stop breastfeeding must be made taking into account the mother's mental wellbeing and her ability to bond with her baby, as well as the health benefits for the child. I DID have lots of support all around me and it did not make anything one tiny bit better or easier. Breastfeeding just did not work out for us and, now, I don't feel guilty about that. A healthy happy mum was more important for ds than being breastfed. And if I have another one, a happy healthy mum who can be there for both children is more important than breastmilk.

I hope you can come to terms with this and that it doesn't affect your relationship with your baby and dp. All the best,

xx

Elasticwoman · 12/12/2007 11:32

Ginger - brilliant dd for remembering how to suck! Putting her to the breast has to be good, whether she gets any milk or not.

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