Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

So is it just me who has viscerally negative reactions to talk about breastfeeding 4 or 5 year olds

757 replies

TwigorTreat · 27/10/2007 18:46

Now look I know its different strokes for different folks and I am not judging anyone as I know logically that its fine and anyone who does is doing what they deem their very best for their own children.

But I am talking about a experiencing a sense of distaste that I cannot help. I do have a negative and almost physical reaction to the thought of breastfeeding my 3 year old let alone an older child. And I have discussed this before when it came to extending breastfeeding for my own child beyond 6 months and with the discussion was capable of making it past that psychological barrier to 11 months.

Perhaps the thought of having a reasonable discussion over this particular reaction is just a step too far for us on Mumsnet. But I thought I'd give it a go anyway .. what, with it being Saturday and all that.

Anyone who experiences the same sense of negativity will no doubt need to gulp down hard before adding to this discussion. Just as anyone who is on the 'other side of the fence' will need to take copious amounts of oxygen into their system to calm down before posting .. I hope both sides do though... it could be interesting and educational

OP posts:
harpsicorpsecarrier · 28/10/2007 18:37

god yes, dd2 has a voracious appetite.
of course you know we are doing precisely the wrong thing here
everyone is reading this thinking "Oh there you see, they are so neeeeeedy, the bunch of martyrs!"

FrannyandZooey · 28/10/2007 18:38

do you know I don't much give a shit?

HunkOLantern · 28/10/2007 18:38

Ah, sod 'em.

HunkOLantern · 28/10/2007 18:38

PMSL Franny!

Bocoreepy · 28/10/2007 18:38

When my mother and step mother have said this, they're saying that i'm imposing my irrational needs on my child. My mother says it's because i'm not having any more children i'm clinging to dds babyhood.

I've really thought about this. I've thought about stopping and I decided to not offer when she turned 2. And i really don't think it's true. I believe that she's particularly confident and independent because of this relationship and not despite it. I weaned dd1 at 14 months because i thought that's what you were supposed to do. She's certainly not as independent or confident as dd2 - this isn't down to bf, they're very different personalities, but i really don't feel like i'm clinging to babyhood - i just realised that actually this can just stop when she's ready - and it will, and i'll be totally happy with that.

ahundredtimes · 28/10/2007 18:40

Hmm. Yes I think I understand.. I like this thread, it's making me think about things differently.

But I'm struggling a bit with the twiglet analogy, and the mother's doing it at four years old because the child likes it even if their mothers are tired and would rather not. It seems a bit martyrish - and that's very rarely a good thing in mothering. I mean I don't suppose I'd rush out to the shops in the pouring rain at eight at night if my 4 y-o wanted a twiglet - if you see what I mean?

I suppose the 'it's all for the mother' thing is laced with tacit disapproval isn't it, because it suggests she's needy for the relationship to be this way. And that's very unfair and usually betrays other peoples insecurities.

But I still think the mother should and does call the shots and that should, in the perfect world, be fine with everyone.

ahundredtimes · 28/10/2007 18:43

Oh god there have been about 8 posts since I wrote that. I'm going back to read them.

beautifuldays · 28/10/2007 18:44

"But I still think the mother should and does call the shots and that should, in the perfect world, be fine with everyone."

but why should mothers not decide to let their children choose when to stop breastfeeding. i let my ds choose when to give up nappies, and i will let my dd choose when to give up breastmilk. i am calling the shots, and i have decided that i will let my daughter breastfeed until she no longer wants to. and i'm still mystified as to why i am being asked to justify this decision

HunkOLantern · 28/10/2007 18:45

I bf DS2 when I'm a bit tired and would rather not. But I mostly bf him when I feel fine about it. Just because I sometimes don't like it doesn't make me a martyr to it. This is the problem with snap judgements on skinny slices of parenting - I do wish people wouldn't do it.

ahundredtimes · 28/10/2007 18:53

Oh beautifuldays I'm not asking you to justify anything at all. At least I hope I'm not.

Hunker I'm not making any snap judgements at all.

As far as I can see Ebf must be a two-way relationship, and the point when either side wants to stop, past the infant stage, should be when it stops. I was only saying surely it's a mutual pleasure for the mother and the child. Perhaps I've got this wrong, and I'll go look in the archives, but if the mother isn't largely enjoying bfeeding her 4 y-o, with down and tired days obviously, but the balance being that they like it then I really don't understand AT ALL why she would carry on doing it.

HunkOLantern · 28/10/2007 18:57

But if it's a mutual relationship, it's not "all about the mother".

I don't think that bf should continue with one person who's deeply unhappy about every aspect of it continuing. I know there are women who do it because it's best for their younger babies and some grow to like it and some can't wait to stop, but think it's important.

I think if bfeeding a 4yo is making you unhappy, there are probably boundaries you can set (only feeding in set room, at bedtime, etc) in order to carry on if you think that's important. But of course, the option to stop is always there.

It's just that when both parties in the bf relationship are willing and happy about it, it's still portrayed as being some sort of gratification for the mother, with the child being an unwilling counterpart. And that's just a bit dim, because, as many of us have said on this thread and others like it, you cannot force a child to bf.

beautifuldays · 28/10/2007 18:59

ebf is of course a 2 way relationship, as is breastfeeding a younger baby. and of course if a mother really doesn't want to carry on, then they don't. having said that, while i did enjoy (mostly) breastfeeding my 2yr old, i did it for his benefit not mine. iyswim.

Bocoreepy · 28/10/2007 19:01

The balance for me is that it's fine and there is no martyrdom involved. When i wanted to stop, dd was 2.2, and it was purely because i thought i should have done by now and that what i was doing was odd. I call the shots, i've decided to carry on as long as it suits both of us. If dd wants milk but i want to do something different, i win because i'm the mother and i get to decide those things.

Cooking however, i'm pretty martyrish about. I don't always like it. Sometimes i cook for hours and they don't eat it and they say YUK and i wonder why i bothered when i got NO pleasure from doing it. Sometimes motherhood is a bit martyrish in general, we have to do lots of bits that are not filled with unconditional pleasure and joy, some bits are tiring and boring. Breastfeeding can be like that some days but its worth it for the rest of it.

Original poster
TwigorTreat · 28/10/2007 19:02

"When i wanted to stop, dd was 2.2, and it was purely because i thought i should have done by now and that what i was doing was odd."

why did you think what you were doing was odd Boco

OP posts:
harpsicorpsecarrier · 28/10/2007 19:04

Twig are you being disingenuous?

screamsprout · 28/10/2007 19:17

Actually, I don't always enjoy feeding ds. The sore nips phase of pregnancy was awful and now I'm at the big bump stage, it can be quite uncomfortable. BUT I AM NOT DOING IT PURELY FOR MY BENEFIT!!

Original poster
TwigorTreat · 28/10/2007 19:20

no harpsi I'm not .. honest question .. I think Boco has expressed an honest feeling about her own bf experience and as i've been asked to examine my own feelings with regards to this I was wondering where her thought processes would take her.

OP posts:
Bocoreepy · 28/10/2007 19:20

Twig because i had a crisis of confidence about it after an argument with my step mother where she said it was disgusting and i was only doing it for myself. I didnt' know anyone else who had fed this long, i'd had several 'yewww' style comments.

I came on a thread that popsycal had started, she was feeling the same and then other ebfers gave their experiences. I'd never actually met anyone in rl who had ebf (or admitted to) - i'm the first of my friends to have children. I'm not always totally confident about all my parenting decisions and feel like i make most of it up as i go along. I really think if i hadn't found mn that i would have stopped then. It was something very simple that franny said about not actually being anything to do with anyone else how i feed my child. I don't know why that had such a big effect, but actually it just gave me a boost and it didn't feel odd at all - and knowing that actually lots of people do it and feel the same way about it was such a good feeling.

ahundredtimes · 28/10/2007 19:21

Well actually I said it was a mutual pleasure, not a mutual relationship. The relationship between a mother and child is not one of parity.

No you can't force a toddler to bf, you can't force a baby even can you. But you can continue doing something they have done since the day they were born, and is therefore natural and habit.

It's a bit wrong this anyway, because what I'm trying to say is that it seems to me that ebf is about the mother because she likes it, is the more powerful of the two and has made a decision to carry on until the child wants to stop, but am not meaning to say that under the banner of 'and therefore she is a needy, insecure woman who wants to keep her child as a baby' because I don't think that is the case.

I've confused what I'm trying to say by not separating those two things out, and now think I am splitting hairs I think.

HunkOLantern · 28/10/2007 19:21

And that's why the "creepy" posts on threads such as this should always be challenged with posts such as Franny's, Boco

Original poster
TwigorTreat · 28/10/2007 19:22

and we're back to our mothers

OP posts:
HunkOLantern · 28/10/2007 19:22

100x, you said two-way relationship and mutual pleasure - I combined the two to make it mutual relationship

screamsprout · 28/10/2007 19:24

Is a mum who doesn't potty train her child asap, "clinging onto the child's babyhood?"

No, you potty train when they are ready. So why would is a mother who continues to b/feed a child accused of this? It's a really odd argument.

ahundredtimes · 28/10/2007 19:26

Oh yes Hunker, they are my favourite kinds of relationship

I've honestly found this really interesting thread, and has made me think about it all in a more detailed and profound way. I liked the thing MB said earlier about lack of understanding about extended bfeeding coming from lack of information, I think that's true.

beautifuldays · 28/10/2007 19:27

agree screamsprout. many mothers potty train when their child is ready no-one bats an eyelid, but if mothers wean from the breast when their child is ready everyone is

Swipe left for the next trending thread