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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

So is it just me who has viscerally negative reactions to talk about breastfeeding 4 or 5 year olds

757 replies

TwigorTreat · 27/10/2007 18:46

Now look I know its different strokes for different folks and I am not judging anyone as I know logically that its fine and anyone who does is doing what they deem their very best for their own children.

But I am talking about a experiencing a sense of distaste that I cannot help. I do have a negative and almost physical reaction to the thought of breastfeeding my 3 year old let alone an older child. And I have discussed this before when it came to extending breastfeeding for my own child beyond 6 months and with the discussion was capable of making it past that psychological barrier to 11 months.

Perhaps the thought of having a reasonable discussion over this particular reaction is just a step too far for us on Mumsnet. But I thought I'd give it a go anyway .. what, with it being Saturday and all that.

Anyone who experiences the same sense of negativity will no doubt need to gulp down hard before adding to this discussion. Just as anyone who is on the 'other side of the fence' will need to take copious amounts of oxygen into their system to calm down before posting .. I hope both sides do though... it could be interesting and educational

OP posts:
WitchesEverywhere · 28/10/2007 12:59

As an normal breastfeeding mum, I do not see the need to lock myself up at home when I nurse my 14 month old daughter.

Because I am confidant that that I am doing the right thing for my child and I and nursing has many health benefits for us both.

Why should I hide something which I am not ashamed of ?

harpsicorpsecarrier · 28/10/2007 13:00

the point about bullying 5/6/7 year olds is totally and utterly irrelevant.
if the child wants to stop then the child will stop
the suggestion that a child could be forced to bf is just nonsensical, frankly.

Original poster
TwigorTreat · 28/10/2007 13:01

don't disagree harpsi .. never have really .. not even in very first post

would never IRL comment, would compose face to be jolly and smiley .. which is the most I can manage and is probably better than the majority of those who may not be as self-aware of their own weird feeligns about something that's nothing to do with them

OP posts:
hercules1 · 28/10/2007 13:02

Tori. I know my 11 year old has never been teased about this just like I know he has never been teased because he was in nappies at 2. Really, it has never interested him enough to talk about it with his friends and they have never asked.
As you say children get teased for all manner of things and that says more about the child who is doing the teasing rather than the victim. I really cant base my parenting choices on this. How would i know what my child might be teased for in future years anyway?

Why does a 3 year old need a cuddle after being picked up from nursery? "need" is more than just providing the basics for survival it's about meeting social and emotional needs also.

HunkOLantern · 28/10/2007 13:02

Twig True though, isn't it? But meaningless to judge based on snapshots of family situations of which you know nothing and children who have very different temperaments from your own.

nappyaddict · 28/10/2007 13:05

it's a comfort thing isn't it? same as some children have blankets, teddies, dummies, bottles or suck their thumb.

harpsicorpsecarrier · 28/10/2007 13:06

I really am trying to be reasonable about this discussion but I appreciate I am coming across as extremely tetchy about it, for which I apologise!
I think it is hard to argue when many of the arguments just don't reflect the reality.
e.g. just give her a cup with expressed milk
it is for the mum and not the child
it is hard to argue with that kind of thing without getting very exasperated because they miss the point so very spectacularly
honestly, I wouldn't come on here and advise folks on parenting teenagers or dealing with boiterous boys because I don't have personal experience.
so why do people who are spo ignorant of the reality of bf a child feel they are experts and qualified to comment.

hercules1 · 28/10/2007 13:06

I agree that for the family breastfeeding an older child, it really isnt a big issue or thought about and disected. It's simply part of every day life just the same way you wouldnt question how many cuddles you give your child, are you giving them too many or too little.

It does seem to be an issue for people outside the unit who actually have nothing to do with it anyway.

Blandmum · 28/10/2007 13:07

Can I ask an open question? (and this isn't a piss take or a wind up)

I fully agree with the WHO guidelines etc etc. I see no problem or issue in extended BF etc etc. I know that the norm in other societies is 4-5.

What age would draw a wondering stare, if any?

Would you say that there is a natural tapering off of the need to bf that is generally at around the age 5 point, or would you put it as later? Is there a point where it does become noteworthy or unusual, and if so, what point would that be? If a child didn't self wean, would there be a point where extended breast feeders would stop?

hercules1 · 28/10/2007 13:08

It's not just a comfort thing. THe same way a cuddle is not just for comfort. It means so much more and yet is so simple and without ceremony.

hercules1 · 28/10/2007 13:09

I stopped both my children as I'd had enough and didnt want to any longer. I stopped dd at 3 as I didnt want to do it to 4 as I did with ds. I didnt plan these ages in advance, it was when I'd had enough.

HunkOLantern · 28/10/2007 13:10

I think it's a range of reasons, Harpsi. Some people will comment and judge anything that's done differently from the way they parent their own children, and view the different thing as a negative one, which I think often stems from a lack of confidence about their own choices.

hercules1 · 28/10/2007 13:10

Some people would stare at 6 months, some a year, some wouldnt blink at 4 years.

harpsicorpsecarrier · 28/10/2007 13:10

mb, for me three was a bit of a barrier and I had a bit of a wobble when dd1 turned three (on here actually!)
I think I am mre confident now that children will self wean at some point so I don't give it much thought.

FrannyandZooey · 28/10/2007 13:12

knifewielding I like the description of the children gathered round watching

sorry, been asked a couple of times about feeding in public now and forgot to answer - I didn't feed in public as default when ds was older (say 3), because other people's attitudes made me feel uncomfortable. Ds is a tall child and looked even older than he was.

I did however breastfeed where I felt NOT to do so would cause more of a disturbance than to do so. I reasoned that a large child with his head up my top, was less offensive to almost everyone than a large child shouting and screaming. This probably happened a handful of times when for whatever reason ds was extremely upset and the alternative would have been to have left. Once I remember was in the Albert Hall during a concert, and once was while I was at work in front of a group of other mothers and children who may or may not have been aware that ds was still breastfed. I am sure not all of them knew. I didn't see their immediate reaction as I was reading a story to the group at the time and so had my hands quite full to carry on and feed ds at the same time. Nobody ever commented to me or treated me any differently because of it, that I noticed.

I am not sure if I would give so much of a toss what other people thought with any future child. But it is hard always to hold your head up and be confident about your choices, especially when you know people may be thinking things like "creepy" and experiencing a "viscerally negative reaction."

Blandmum · 28/10/2007 13:12

My 'wondering stare' was realy saying, 'If you are an extended bf yourself, would a particular age child bf make you stare' (sorry rather vague and wolly today )

WolverineBagdirt · 28/10/2007 13:13

Oh interesting thread Twig.

I'm more perplexed why mothers would breastfeed beyond the age of two imo it's just not necessary but that is, of course, only my opinion. I'm not concerned that they choose to do so, it really doesn't impinge on my life but seeing as though we are discussing it .......

From my pov bf is about nourishing a baby who is unable to nourish itself but there comes a time when it can sit up, talk, walk and feed itself.

As for self weaning, well if we start letting our children decide when they are ready to do stuff we might find they don't fancy school until they are 10 or only want to eat cake all day, sometimes you just have to say 'no'.

FrannyandZooey · 28/10/2007 13:13

MB almost all children in our culture self wean between the ages of 2 and 4 if allowed to do so.

HunkOLantern · 28/10/2007 13:13

I usually have a discreet look at a bfing mum, whatever age the baby is, because I think it's nice to see out and about - each woman that does it makes it a bit closer to it being the "norm" in society.

So I don't know about wondering stares - it really doesn't cross my mind to be judgemental about it at any age (and nature provides very well for weaning, so I don't think that conversation about "what if it's a 15yo, what if he invites his mates over for a go before they go to the pub" is all that relevant or intelligent), but I guess the oldest child I've seen being bf in RL was almost 5. I just thought it was lovely, from the pov that I know how hard it often is for women to start to bf in this country and how brilliant it is that it's worked so well for them that they've continued this long.

hercules1 · 28/10/2007 13:14

I agree about being put off feeding as no matter how confidant you are there will always be in your mind that at least some of the people around you will be thinking it's creepy/disgusting/abuse etc.

Blandmum · 28/10/2007 13:15

yes, I see that, I was just wondering if there was a generally held 'upper limit', beyond which it would be seen as very unusual.

Because if that is the case then this is only a discussion about timings? And that society just needs to re-set the timings at a more approriate level.

hercules1 · 28/10/2007 13:15

I think you've missed the point about self weaning...

HunkOLantern · 28/10/2007 13:16

I think that discipline over things such as attending school and cake-eating are red herrings to a conversation about bf, Nad. I value manners and decent behaviour very highly - bringing up children is about guiding them to develop into polite, decent adults, whilst allowing for their own personalities and meeting their needs accordingly, imo.

hercules1 · 28/10/2007 13:18

WHich society are you talking about? I think in this country we have such a long way to go judging by some of these posts.

harpsicorpsecarrier · 28/10/2007 13:18

MB I wouldn't stare tbh.
If I did look at someone feeding a child I would be attempting to give a look of support and warmth without looking like a stalker
I would think that, by allowing a child to self wean, they are responding in a really positive way to the child's needs, and giving the child a very very good start emotionally and psychologically.
because it really isn't the same as eating cake all day