Why do some people feel that they must breastfeed at any cost?

[Moomin8]

I’ve got plenty of experience of both types of feeding - I breastfed two of my children until 2 years. They were great feeders - I had no problems.

My other two children for various reasons ended up having formula. One was 3 weeks early, severely jaundiced and my milk was slower to come in than it should. I didn’t want her going into hospital for uv therapy. The other couldn’t feed well and was eventually diagnosed with dyspraxia, later. She would get tired and not take enough bm.

Now, I see this lady on Instagram who has a 6 week old baby who weighs only 7 pounds and he was born at term weighing 6 pounds. He clearly is not thriving. Every time I see a picture of him I cringe. And his mother is about my age (40) and this is baby #6 for her.

I would be the first to say that breast IS best. But only if the child is thriving surely?

How can a baby make the necessary brain development in those early weeks if they aren’t picking up weight?

I know that society makes women feel like formula is evil. But sometimes I think it’s better than breastfeeding when the baby isn’t thriving.

@Peapod29 when I searched she had been a member for over 10 months?

Most posts recent posts had been about Covid. Nothing too out there and her stay at home thread read as a concerned about what she should do about going back to work. Hardly suspicious 😂

@Peapod29 also mumsnet allows name changes so people can change their names if they don't want people to know what they've posted before.

The search only returned only two posts from that username. The deletion message suggested troll posts rather than lots of posts breaking guidelines. Anyway it hardly matters now, it’s gone. I’m convinced it happens though.

@Peapod29 when I search you it only shows posts up until a month ago? Did you only join in the last month?

Was it you twinkle? Ha. No I’ve been about 5 years. Maybe there is an error in the search bar but the moment I saw that thread title coupled with the fact it was in AIBU I was suspicious. I didn’t report the thread but clearly lots of others did notice it was odd too. The deletion message would have said that they were deleting it for breaking guidelines/being unhelpful to parents something like that if it were deleted for pro breastfeeding posts. It implied they were checking it out for being a troll post. Maybe not that time, but it happens.

Peapod - It was my thread - namechanged after it as I didn't want people knowing for the future as people like you seem to hold a grudge and go back on peoples activities.

Not a troll a mum who is upset at how she was treated. Also a mum who is struggling at the thought of going back to work.

I've been a member for a while now and posted under different names 2 or 3 times depending on the topic.

@Yesterdayforgotten where have I said I wasn't affected, you are assuming how my experience impacted me- you are assuming my journey was less difficult than others. I was deeply affected, I wouldn't recommend it for anyone else, but it was a sacrifice I wanted to make and do not regret. You are downplaying my experience, I am not. I had an awful time, I needed intervention, I spent a lot of time crying and I still can't hold anyone else's baby without getting a surge of those awful feelings coming back to me. But I am allowed to say I would do it all over again because to me the breast milk was worth it, it is not about how I value mental health but how much I PERSONALLY value breast milk. So yes we can agree to disagree, but please stop making assumptions about my experience just because you made a different choice and have different reflections on your own experience. I understand why women push themselves to carry on BF when it is not in their own best interests, whether that's right or wrong I understand why they do it and THAT is the point of this thread.

@Donttakeno if you’ve recently posted a thread called “BF nightmare” you’ve obviously had a bad experience (and I’m sorry). That might be why you’re putting words in my mouth and reading stuff in my posts that isn’t actually there.

Ladies you will realise it's ALL BOLLOCKS
Whether you killed yourself to bf at any cost, bf with ease, Ff without giving it a second thought, whatever it was it really doesn't matter it's such a small part of life there's so much more out there.

Give yourselves a break.

My Nan isn't around sat around dwelling about how my mum was fed as a baby

@Raaaa this is the thing, I don't dwell on it. I remember how all encompassing it was at the time. I literally don't care how anyone else did it, but I still have no regrets even though it was hell and I could have made my life so much easier, even though it plays no part in my life right now the science still says to me it was the right decisions which is why I don't dwell on it. I'm not sure why I'm being made to look irresponsible for that.

I never normally search usernames actually, I find it odd when others do. It’s just that that thread title stood out so much and was completely disjointed with the actual content on the post. It was bizarre to be honest. If it was a genuine poster, and I’m afraid I’m still dubious despite what you say, they would have known that ‘breastfeeding nightmare’ would attract lots of breastfeeding mums thinking they might be able to offer help to another who was struggling. It was inflammatory from the start, with a click bait title, I believe it was in AIBU too. Also a long term poster would know that this topic is literally done to death. It crops up every few months. It’s not hard to see why some posters were a bit suspicious.

@User202004 my comment wasn't aimed at anyone in particular, I did a quick scan of the thread and it's just another bf thread with women laying into each other, which I'm gunna unwatch
From what you've said just then that sounds fair enough

I agree with you about the formula industry btw. That’s why I was really questioning the motives of the OP.

I’ve heard it all now. I’m concerned about a baby who isn’t growing or gaining weight and I must therefore work for the formula industry. How ridiculous. I have been on MN for 16 years under various names.

@Peapod29 as I said. It was mine. I put in in AIBU because I knew I’d get some ‘honest’ opinions. Also didn’t think it was appropriate for a feeding thread as I didn’t want people searching on there to come across it and change their minds either way. Hence AIBU. To be honest I would’ve thought this post should’ve been on it as well...

Raaaa I agree to some extent. When your child grows up you face lots of other far greater challenges. However I don’t think we can dismiss the pain that not being able to b/feed does bring to some women. I have a relative who still gets upset thinking about that time now. She’s in her 50’s. It’s not like she goes around thinking about it all the time, but it does tarnish the memories of the newborn stage for lots of women.

Please bare in mind that you may not know the full picture for this woman.
I had an EMCS resulting in my milk not coming in and significant weight loss for my DD and readmission to hospital.
We combination fed from that day onwards as my priority was that my baby was fed and healthy.
Unfortunately I had massive problems with bottle feeding - DD would scream and refuse bottles which we didn't find out until much later was due to bottle aversion due to me pressuring her to feed because of my own anxieties. Breastfeeding was partially successful but I had low milk supply and only one working breast, however I had to continue as best as I could because it was the only guaranteed way of getting anything into my DD.
My DD's weight was low for many months and I remember how horrible it felt when others commented, it made me feel like I was failing as a mother when I was doing my best.
Women need to support each other at these times - we can't presume we know the full story for them

@Peapod29 AIBU I was suspicious

Really? She was asking an AIBU question... what is it supposed to be used for then.

The fact you think she was an undercover formula person is just ridiculous. I'm pretty sure she specifically said it was about judgment not whether formula is best for babies and lots of times said that breast was scientifically better.

It's because, like I said in a pp, mothering has become a competitive sport.

There are breastfeeding groups, hotlines, counsellors, lactation specialists, baby clubs, online groups, endless fb and insta posts with pics of celebrities breastfeeding with a full face of make up on, the 'natural parenting' extremists all over the telly and newspapers, websites like this one, people boasting about their natural birth experiences, antenatal groups, the NCT, La Leche League and other similar organisations, endless books by the likes of Giovanna Fletcher, smug 'Hello' spreads where dolled up mums show off their newborns and talk about how amazing and natural the whole thing was, Instamums sharing their glossy photos of their amazing mum skills.

And yet people still go on about a lack of support, a lack of education.

It's the opposite. It's a bombardment. Every time you log into fb another 'inspiring' post about motherhood, another photo of a celeb with their boob out. Pressure pressure pressure.

All this 'help' is having the reverse effect, painting breastfeeding as something to be pursued at all costs if you want to be part of the smug mum tribe.

I actually think if we stopped banging on about it so much, women would relax and find breastfeeding easier. And if not, they dont have the mummy police everywhere to remind them of their 'failure'.

@Wolfgirrl It's the opposite. It's a bombardment. Every time you log into fb another 'inspiring' post about motherhood, another photo of a celeb with their boob out. Pressure pressure pressure.

^^ yes! This this this.

There is support out there, it is considered normal. What is considered unnatural is FF and no support is given to mums.

I remember asking my HV a formula question her response was 'I can only answer in regards to BF. I can't offer you advice on FF because it's not best for baby'

@roobine

I am sorry you’ve had such a hard time. And you are right that there could be some medical issue or something. I hope not but it’s possible.

I have posted about this issue with the assumption that the most obvious explanation for something is usually the correct one.

And yet people still go on about a lack of support, a lack of education

It's the opposite. It's a bombardment. Every time you log into fb another 'inspiring' post about motherhood, another photo of a celeb with their boob out. Pressure pressure pressure

But pressure and support are entirely different things. All of what you say about stuff on social media may well be there and it may be making mothers feel they have to bf but that doesn't mean there are people on the ground, in hospitals, available for free or minimal.cost when. Babies are a few days old to actually help.

My first had severe jaundice and just wasn’t getting enough out of me and yes there weren’t any wet nappies! After cup syringe and attached a tiny tube to my finger attempts at getting formula into him we went to bottles. And you know I still breastfed him until he was 3. After that first 6 months it gets less and less important.

With my second I reached out for extra support while still pregnant. The area I lived in had amazing post natal bf support. I could ring and have someone over the next day and excellent support over the phone.

So DD was born on 75th centile. She seemed to feed amazingly well compared to my first. She dropped almost 10% so no one was concerned as it wasn’t quite at a worrying level. She took 6 weeks to gain back her birth weight. So normal right?

Then a GP who hasn’t been involved pointed out by 11 weeks she was only 300grams above her birth weight and we were sent straight to hospital. There was nothing wrong apart from she needed more than she was getting from me. It was like she was just maintaining but not gaining! She was at 2nd centile and now at 12 months is 9th.

The HV and BF support were always telling me it was fine she was gaining even though it was slow, or a sip is normal, or at least she hasn’t lost again even though I was concerned about how tiny she was.

I’m 6ft and so is DP, DS very tall too. She’s still so little I worry about her but she eats food like a champ so I’m hoping she’ll catch up. I still feel guilt about my first having formula and then I think Jesus Christ I bf until he was 3! Fuck that guilt.

I just wanted to make another point on this thread which a midwife told me just after I had dd4 around Christmas.

Which is that sometimes babies who are failing to thrive spend more energy trying to breastfeed than they gain in calories.

So with the above scenario, it will be hard for the baby to gain weight.

The lady I’ve mentioned also says that her baby sleeps all night. Which in my opinion is likely to be because he’s exhausted. I mean, when a 6 week old baby only weighs 7 pounds why on earth would you let them sleep for 12 hours? He’s still jaundiced too. I’d be waking mine up.

@DappledThings

There are midwives in the hospital. Breastfeeding clubs with advisors (free) almost everywhere. Books you can read. Online forums such as this offering advice. La Leche League and other breastfeeding support companies. Health visitors you can get in touch with at any time. Peer supporters. All free services accessible to anyone.

What more 'support' can realistically be offered? Aside from a breastfeeding specialist going home with you and living with you for 6 weeks.

It takes 3 days for milk to come in .. it took 3 days for me.

The women with the 7lb baby could have other issues? If she's on baby number 6 then she shouldn't struggle to feed. I found it much harder the first time to get things established.

I do respects people's choices my first child took 5 week to make it to birth weight and no issue, midwives supported me, he was healthy. You just can't judge without knowing.