Why do some people feel that they must breastfeed at any cost?

[Moomin8]

I’ve got plenty of experience of both types of feeding - I breastfed two of my children until 2 years. They were great feeders - I had no problems.

My other two children for various reasons ended up having formula. One was 3 weeks early, severely jaundiced and my milk was slower to come in than it should. I didn’t want her going into hospital for uv therapy. The other couldn’t feed well and was eventually diagnosed with dyspraxia, later. She would get tired and not take enough bm.

Now, I see this lady on Instagram who has a 6 week old baby who weighs only 7 pounds and he was born at term weighing 6 pounds. He clearly is not thriving. Every time I see a picture of him I cringe. And his mother is about my age (40) and this is baby #6 for her.

I would be the first to say that breast IS best. But only if the child is thriving surely?

How can a baby make the necessary brain development in those early weeks if they aren’t picking up weight?

I know that society makes women feel like formula is evil. But sometimes I think it’s better than breastfeeding when the baby isn’t thriving.

My baby who wasn't breastfed was in hospital last year and one of the junior doctors kept going on about the fact that he hadn't been breastfed and making me feel guilty. He was 6 years old!

I’m always fascinated by stories like this. I wonder of what interest it is to them at that stage in life? I don’t recall ever being asked other than the 8 week check up. And dc 1 has an allergy that we’ve seen consultants for. Maybe they did just read it in their notes and didn’t mention it.

Can I just say this thread has helped in some ways...I know everyone has a difference of opinion and it's a very emotive subject, but thought it would be worth throwing out the positive impact this discussion has had.

1. I hadn't really looked into breastfeeding support - kind of thought, if it works, it works but if it doesn't so be it. I'm now going to look into some online groups to give myself the best chance

1. In the other breathe, it's prompted OH and me to have a discussion on where we draw the line I.e. if it's clear my mental health is being effected by BF then when will we call it quits? or if the baby is struggling despite support being sought, then we will make the move to FF

Thanks all for sharing...I know it's been heated but it's been helpful for this FTM :)

@Reginabambina if you go back and look at your post you didn’t say that she should have been advised not to or that she was guilted into it. In fact you described her as being “obsessed” with bf and pejoratively referred to her as being a “hippy left wing attachment” parent. It didn’t seem like you felt sorry for her (tbh it sounds like she had a lot of health issues poor woman), it sounded like you were sneering at her. Maybe you didn’t mean it to come across that way though.

@HarrietM87 I described her friendship group as hippy etc and it was meant in derogatory manner, they pushed her into the breastfeeding just as much as the health professionals (as well as making her feel like an arsehole for not being vegan). And she was obsessed but that obsession was a bad medical advice and social pressure. She was one of countless women that suffered as a result of the insane and scientifically unjustified obsession with breastfeeding but because her resulting health problems were not mental health problems they couldn’t be brushed off as PND.

You can not pick as much as you like. It doesn’t change the fact that that it’s wrong to abuse women this way.

And she didn’t have any really health issues apart from lactose intolerance and a couple of allergies before pregnancy. Even then at the end of pregnancy she was doing ok given her restricted diet. It was only during the breastfeeding period that her teeth started to really deteriorate and she was prompted to check on her bones as well. I’m not saying that she would have been 100% ok without breastfeeding but her teeth wouldn’t be falling out. Don’t try to brush this off as her fault. It really really wasn’t. She was vulnerable and instead of supporting her the people around her used her to further their own ideology.

I think when you're pregnant and reading up about different options, meeting with midwives, attending classes... you get stuck on certain ideas and it's really hard to let these go. I was sure I wanted to FF, my.ds was put on my boob for two seconds and taken off and given formula. This was totally in line with what I wanted but I now wonder if I wasnt so stuck on ff
would I have enjoyed bf or at least given it a proper go.

I think that pregnancy and childbirth throws us out of routine and out of control. I think we make decisions and stick to them as it's the only thing we have control over in such a tumultuous time.

Anyhow I do agree that its sad seeing babies not thriving for different reasons especially when there may be other options.

'I just couldn't justify doing it any other way despite the impact on my mental health'

"Mental health comes first imo"

If I was speaking to any other woman that is what I would say. But for me, it was short term pain for long term gain. It meant sacrificing my happiness for those 6 months but I honestly felt breast milk was worth it, a decade later long gone are my baby days and I have perspective, and I still think I did the right thing for my children. I am not a mummy-martyr type, I went back to work as soon as I could, I work full time, I holiday without my kids and leave them with grandparents when able, they had sleep overs at 6 months (gasp!), most mumsnetters would hate my parenting style, this wasn't about conforming to anything, but to me breastmilk was something I HAD to give my children. Yes, at the cost of my mental health at that time. I would not tell other women to do the same, I understand why others don't, but for me and what I knew, it was what I wanted and needed to do.

@Meadows20 That sounds like such a sensible and healthy conversation to have with your partner! I hope it all works out well for you! Not sure how old your baby is but with both of mine I found bf uncomfortable, unpleasant, and often painful until they hit the 7 week mark. You hear so often that if you're breastfeeding properly, it won't hurt (way to make mums feel like they're doing it wrong!). I really don't think that's true, or at least it wasn't in my case. I think it had to do with the fact that their little mouths are so small. My son was born a month after I'd stopped bf my daughter for 17 months and it still hurt to bf him ... I think that by that time I'd worked out how to do it 'properly'!

I think this depends on your social groups and maybe the area you live in. I can't say I ever felt pressure to breastfeed by midwives. When I had my first, I was asked how I was going to feed and I said I was going to try to BF but when my baby was actually born I was given no support to make it work. Whenever I asked the midwives for help, they would come in, shove baby onto the breast and leave- even when I said she wasn't actually latched on. By day 2 the paediatrician told me I should give her formula (healthy, full term infant) so I did and that was the end of our breastfeeding experience. Nobody ever made a negative comment about formula feeding to me, and I never felt like I had failed because almost every mum I know bottle feeds.

When I was pregnant with my second, I told the midwives I was going to bottle feed and that was it. They ticked it on the form and said no more. When she was born, I ended up putting her to the breast and she just took to it like a natural so we ended up breastfeeding for 18 months. I got so many negative comments everywhere! Not from health professionals, again they were completely disinterested. But from family and friends, all the time.

So in my experience the only pressure I saw was online. Often by the same people pushing the natural birth experience. I've seen a lot of women expressing the same sense of failure if they had to have a c-section.

'But for me, it was short term pain for long term gain. It meant sacrificing my happiness for those 6 months but I honestly felt breast milk was worth it, a decade...'

You were lucky there was no lasting damage but all ladies arent so fortunate. I'm not talking about being alittle unhappy for afew months im talking about serious mental health issues where you atent eating, sleeping and are absolutely ill.

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Oh I exclusively breastfed dc1 for 6 months and if I had my time again I I woudlnt have done it as it nearly ended me

You were lucky there was no lasting damage but all ladies arent so fortunate. I'm not talking about being alittle unhappy for afew months im talking about serious mental health issues where you atent eating, sleeping and are absolutely ill.

This is the thing it is deeply personal and I will never think a woman should do the same/different as me. The OP asked why do women do it at all costs, I'm not going to get competitive about my mental health but I did put breastfeeding above my own mental health. It did change those baby months and I know for many women BF would not be worth that sacrifice, for me it was, and I'd do it again. But I'd never suggest another woman do the same as me, only I know what I am capable of and vice versa.

'I am not a mummy-martyr type, I went back to work as soon as I could, I work full time, I holiday without my kids and leave them with grandparents when able, they had sleep overs at 6 months (gasp!), most mumsnetters would hate my parenting style, this wasn't about conforming to anything, but to me breastmilk was something I HAD to give my children.'

I am the Mummy martyr type and it is the way I am which means I overthink everything. I had to give dc1 breast milk at any cost too but also wouldnt leave him. I got so obsessed with being some kind of super Mum that to actually stop breastfeeding at 6months I felt so guilty I made all my own baby food from scratch and has a freezer supply of concoctions all labelled.
I thought I was putting baby first but actually ruined the whole experience and now think dc1 will have picked up on how unwell I was.
This time around I am formula feeding, loving it and no guilt and in a much better place mentally for it.

I understand what you're saying @User202004 but don't think it is healthy to tell women it is okay not to put their mental health first.

Also as you said you were fine but my point is alot wont be and it isnt a gamble you should take.

I have breast fed and bottle fed. With my later children I felt more able to make a decision which was best for my children and family at the time. You can't tell which we're bottle fed or breast fed in any terms.
One thing that isn't spoken about too much is how breast feeding falls exclusively to the mother. And the patterns that creates in childcare. I have seen situations where those patterns set in the first years are never reset and mothers are always responsible for their children's needs. I think it's different if you have a very supportive partner but not everyone does. It's not as simple as breast is best; each family knows what works for them. Like everything in life it is complex and dependent on many factors. I hate anything that simplified and ends up being a form of performance or a badge. Do what's best for you and let others make their own choices.

For all the 'I breastfed my child for 3 million years, I'm so pleased with myself as formula is poison' posters, how many of your babies:

1. Needed assistance at birth or treatment afterwards such as the UV lamp
2. Needed antibiotics or medicine of any sort in their first year of life
3. Were given vitamin D, or any other vitamin
4. Were given food that was anything other than organic and 100% natural, preferably grown by you in your garden

All of the above things are 'unnatural' yet I bet you didn't refuse any of them, or insist they were poison.

The point is there comes a time when the 'unnatural' option is better.

It is only breastfeeding that seems to inspire the '100% natural' madness in people.

I think FED is best! The only thing that matters is that the baby is gaining steadily and thriving. Whatever way works for the mother and baby!

@Yesterdayforgotten I have explicitly said this is MY experience and that I don't speak for anyone else nor would I suggest they do the same, I even mentioned my own hang ups as a parent to demonstrate I am far, far from being a super mum. But for ME breastmilk was paramount, you do not know my experience, you do not know I was fine, I didn't say I was fine, I said that with hindsight, despite everything, I would do it again. It wasn't about gambling, it was about enduring, I pushed myself to the brink, my brink is different from yours and from any other woman's. This isn't a thread from a stressed out mum wondering what to do, in which I agree my inout would not be appropriate, this is a thread asking why do women do it at all costs, my experience is just as valid as yours.

@wanderlove I get what you’re saying and I agree to an extent. But I think however you feed your child, the experience of being pregnant and giving birth and then having mat leave, and the fact that most young babies prefer their mothers, plus society’s expectations, all mean that there is a sudden sex imbalance when it comes to caring for your children. If you have a supportive partner who wants to help and contribute 50:50 then bf won’t prevent that, but equally if your partner is a bit lazy then ff won’t change him. Most of the women I know who FF still do all the night feeds because their husbands are working and “need their sleep”.

@Wolfgirrl I really don’t think anyone on this thread has said that formula is poison. Some have said they’re proud they bf or they’re glad they did - that’s ok isn’t it? It’s ok to say you’re proud you ff too. The problem with the bf/ff debate is that it gets so extreme and polarised. It’s possible to have nuanced views. You can want to feed your child breast milk because you believe that’s the best thing for them while also giving them vitamin D and accepting medical treatment etc - it doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

@harrietm87

I'm talking about the mothers who watch their babies plunge down the weight charts yet still refuse formula. If your baby was poorly you wouldn't refuse antibiotics, it is the same premise.

@User202004 we are going to need to agree to disagree here. If I was a new mum struggling I might read your comments and think that lady wasnt affected so i'll carry on so i do think what we put on here can affect others yes which is why I said 'imo.mental health comes first' and quoted you which you then challenged. I dont think it should he seen as being okay to struggle on because of just being alittle unhappy fit afew months ad that downplays and sugarcoats a lot of peoples trauma.

Of course your experience was valid; everybody's experience is personal to them and shapes their opinions going forward as you learn from your mistakes. It's great you don't regret your mental health being damaged at that time and you were okay after.

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