Why do some people feel that they must breastfeed at any cost?

[Moomin8]

I’ve got plenty of experience of both types of feeding - I breastfed two of my children until 2 years. They were great feeders - I had no problems.

My other two children for various reasons ended up having formula. One was 3 weeks early, severely jaundiced and my milk was slower to come in than it should. I didn’t want her going into hospital for uv therapy. The other couldn’t feed well and was eventually diagnosed with dyspraxia, later. She would get tired and not take enough bm.

Now, I see this lady on Instagram who has a 6 week old baby who weighs only 7 pounds and he was born at term weighing 6 pounds. He clearly is not thriving. Every time I see a picture of him I cringe. And his mother is about my age (40) and this is baby #6 for her.

I would be the first to say that breast IS best. But only if the child is thriving surely?

How can a baby make the necessary brain development in those early weeks if they aren’t picking up weight?

I know that society makes women feel like formula is evil. But sometimes I think it’s better than breastfeeding when the baby isn’t thriving.

@HarrietM87 breastfeeding can leaching calcium from your bones. That’s what happened to her. Class is relevant because by and large only a certain type of middle class person falls into that kind of thing. Certainly her crowd is 100% middle class. Re stereotyping, they do all live a stereotype, down to raising their children gender free and freaking out if you use a gendered pronoun around their children.

@HarrietM87 www.bones.nih.gov/health-info/bone/bone-health/pregnancy

See explanation above. She really should have been advised against breastfeeding with her health problems not encouraged.

@AmeliaE have you had covid?

all I’ve said on this thread is that people shouldn’t judge others’ choices, and everyone should be able to make the feeding choices they want. I’m not sure why that offends you so much

Harriet. The thing is I'm not talking about judging someone whose breast fed baby is a bit fussy.

I'm talking about someone so blinded they can't see that their baby really needs help. This baby I am talking about looks like a very ill baby. He looks ill

This mother loves her baby, I know that but she's unwittingly neglecting him. And it's so sad. It doesn't have to be that way.,

Twinkleprincess, breastmilk does not prevent Covid19. The point is the antibodies in breastmilk help babies to fight infections.
As a pp correctly pointed out, the composition of the milk and the antibodies in it changes when the baby is sick, even if the mother is not. The mechanism is not yet fully understood.

Reginabambina, no, I haven't had Covid19 yet, why might it be relevant?

Trouble is that our culture just isn’t set up to support the setting up of bf. We don’t have the circle of family and friends around to top up with their milk if needed, and to help with older children etc while it is being established. We also don’t have co sleeping as a norm. Women often have to go back to work outside of the home relatively early on, so having a ff baby who settles for others makes sense.

So the message ‘breast is best’ for our culture isn’t in every case very helpful I don’t think, though it certainly may be for other cultures.

Incidentally, I ff, if that makes me more or less entitled to an opinion!

@Moomin8 You’re only going by fb pictures though.
There is a lot more to health than weight. As long as the baby is staying along the same centile or not dropping too far below it a massive gain in weight is only one marker.

How do you know that ff would make any difference. She is doing the best thing for her child and should be supported in doing so. It’s frustrating that someone who bf comes under so much pressure to stop. As if formula is a magic medicine.

I’m not only going by fb pictures. She has a channel where she posts prolific videos about natural parenting and in those videos the baby always looks ill & rooting around for food.

@Moomin8 & does she talk about the child being ill or is it just your perception?

There is nothing ‘magical’ about bm or formula. It’s food.

In the early weeks babies need a lot of food for the rapid brain growth they have for one thing.

If you saw this baby you would know exactly what I mean. He’s not just small he looks visibly malnourished. I suspect his mum knows this deep down but feels pressure to not try giving him top ups.

@sauvignonblancplz

How many term babies do you know who weigh 7 pounds at 6 weeks old?

@Moomin8 How do you know his actual weight?

I’m not trying to be rude I’m trying to understand the full picture. If it’s just in your own observation you could be very wrong. The baby could just be scrawny.
If you are a friend you sound very mean and judgemental about her parenting choices.

I think the body creating a child is pretty epic and magical. Milk that is produced at the right temperature , hat produces antibodies and can change colour to meet the needs of a baby is pretty magical too.

Because she posts his weight!

I think the body creating a child is pretty epic and magical. Milk that is produced at the right temperature , hat produces antibodies and can change colour to meet the needs of a baby is pretty magical too.

It’s only ‘magical’ if it actually works though. You’re not be rude but you are being quite obtuse.

In this case it is like saying that someone with anorexia is just naturally slim. I can’t show you the pictures of him but it’s shocking. And furthermore her other kids did not look this way.

If you post every detail of your life on Instagram you can expect people to have opinions when your child looks malnourished, hungry / thirsty and you’re spending your time reviewing baby products in videos and newborn nappies.

@Moomin8

Have you sent her a text to check in? To see if there is a reason?

I suppose I wouldn’t naturally jump to BF being the issue . It’s a shame that so many do. Could be a number of things hindering weight gain. However if there is gods nappy output - the baby is alert and meeting in other markers then there isn’t a massive cause for concern.

Why do you feel yourself so annoyed at her?

*good

How come you’ve immediately jumped to BF being the problem?

@sauvignonblancplz I have extended bf two out of my 4 children but rather than delude myself with notions of my magical boobies when my younger two dds weren’t able to get the milk I was producing, I fed them formula which is fine because that’s better than depriving them of vital nutrition.

@Moomin8
Unless you’ve actually taken a minute to ask your friend’ if everything is ok then I think you’re being really horrible.
She’s had other children , leave her alone.
To be honest it sounds like you’re projecting.
I think stop watching the videos & step away for w while.
Maybe actually be a friend instead of bitching.

Why do you feel yourself so annoyed at her?

I would not say I’m annoyed with her. But I do think that she can’t see the bigger picture. And I also think that being a good parent is about putting your own needs / ego aside.

And your comments about magical breast milk do suggest that you yourself have fallen into the trap of BF becoming about your ego and how you feel about yourself as a parent.

I don’t know her personally. I think she’s a nice mum, generally.

Would you tell me to ‘stop bitching’ about any other type of neglect?

And no, I haven’t asked her if everything is ok because I suspect she will be defensive. I’m sure people closer to her will have raised concerns.

Tellingly, she also disables comments.

I think that, culturally, we're encouraged to think we've failed if we stop breastfeeding. Some mothers I know tried and ended up having to switch to formula. It is an emotional topic. Some of them tear up when talking about it (or at least did when the baby was very small, hopefully they care less about it now!)

I was adamant that my children wouldn't have formula, which they didn't, and I bf them both for a long time. DC2 wasn't great at gaining weight and a few times HVs and GPs suggested using formula, but I wanted to try everything else first. We got through (and he gained weight) by me resting much more and eating a lot more fatty food (a habit I haven't really managed to drop even 7/8 years later, ahem). I thought I ought to be able to provide enough for him and that I would fail him if I switched to formula ... I felt that I owed it to him to go all-out to help him thrive on bf alone. He's 8 now and completely healthy - he has always been a string bean, even as a baby :)

I am glad that I persisted with bf, but I don't love that I felt that at the time my worth as a mother depended on it. It's obviously better if babies are breastfed, but (in a developed country with clean water etc) it's not important enough to make women feel like failures if they don't manage it. Looking back, I don't think there's enough appreciation of how emotionally vulnerable mothers are, and how damaging judgmental attitudes can be.

@Moomin8 That’s absolutely your opinion and you’re entitled to it.

However your language of her needs and ego are very hostile and quite sad.

She’s just a mum trying her best, as we all are.
There’s no crystal ball, a very good friend of mine had to stop BFing as her baby wasn’t gaining weight . He had and still does have terrible allergies , she went from one formula to the next, super support though , but he couldn’t digest even the most medicated formula. Her wee one was scrawny as heck, and the first six months were just horrendous.

Another lady, at a baby class, her son was also very allergic to milk, scrawny etc , terrible nappies, this mum persevered with BFing, definitely not as great support but she did get some. Also had a rubbish first six months until baby went onto solids.

Neither of these mums knew the outcome - they are both trying to do the best. Neither of them were putting their needs before their kid & there was definitely no ego.

Why can’t you be more caring? Why assume she is doing this for selfish reasons?

Reading a bit more of the comments (not the whole thread) I think it's ungenerous to say that insisting on continuing with bf is about the mother's ego. Having been in that situation, she probably thinks that she will fail her baby if she doesn't bf successfully. She is, of course, mistaken about that (and she will probably look back on it in years to come and realise that it was less important than she thought at the time) but that doesn't mean that she is acting selfishly. I, too, went extremely crunchy/earth mother when my kids were babies. I wasn't competing with anyone other than myself. I just felt that it was in my power to do the absolute best for them, and that I would be a failure if I didn't (I was WRONG, of course). I wasn't showing off on Instagram or anything like that (I'm not sure Instagram even existed then). I just wanted to do it well.