Anyone else regret breastfeeding?

[RidingMyBike]

I think DD is self-weaning as she hasn't wanted a feed for a few days. She is 28 months. Which means I've been reflecting on our 'breastfeeding journey' (stupid phrase) and wondering whether it was worth it?

I have never enjoyed breastfeeding. I loathed every single second of it for most of the first year. I only really kept on going after ten months because she only wanted to feed once or twice a day and doing something you hate for ten minutes a day is a lot easier than constantly.

None of the supposed benefits I was told about seem to have been true. It wasn't free (it cost more than formula in terms of extra food for me, plus the bras, tops, pump etc), it didn't help us bond - in fact it gave me PND and totally mucked up bonding for months. It wasn't fun and snuggly. It wasn't 'convenient'. It turned out most of the research into its benefits could be ruled out because middle class mums are more likely to BF and the advantages come from that background not the BF. The benefits of fewer infections etc are at population level, not individual, although she has no allergies and has never had a stomach upset (whilst EBF cousin has multiple allergies and several upset stomachs!)

DD was combi-fed from five days after crap advice from midwives meant she developed hypernatraemic dehydration when my milk didn't come in and their obsession with EBF meant I was advised not to supplement with formula initially. I loved feeding her formula - I liked measuring the little scoops, getting it all organised. Looking into her eyes whilst giving her a bottle did help us bond.

Why is there so much pressure to BF? With what I know now I wish I'd just formula fed from the start - although doubtless I'd be beating myself up on missing out on the bonding experience I'd been told about.

Anyone else feel like this? I feel like I've been mis-sold a product that has really not lived up to the hype beforehand!

Completely agree Assassinated and I was using the word 'burden' generally - in the sense that women shoulder the entire pregnancy/nursing 'burden' simply because of their biology. We can't easily opt out of the pregnancy bit but we can opt out of breastfeeding and many do for all the reasons identified by posters above.

I don't feel I should be quiet about the fact I didn't particularly enjoy breastfeeding just in case it puts others off. I've had a number of friends give birth since I had DC1, most have chosen to breastfeed and I've spoken honestly with them about how hard I found it and most have said they have found it hard too. There's a perverse kind of female solidarity that goes with that I think and shouldn't necessarily be discouraged.

Sharing stories and tips, and knowing that I'm not weird for not always enjoying it with DC1 has actually encouraged me to give it a try again with DC2 (who is imminent) but with some modifications so that I'm not as martyred to it this time round.

I would hope that any new mothers a few days into breastfeeding and finding it hard who may come across this thread could take some comfort for the fact that there are a lot of other women saying it's okay I found it hard too but I carried on. Wouldn't it be helpful to have shared experiences for them about how to keep going if they want to do?

Personally I see no problem in advocating mixed feeding if it means that some women then choose to breastfeed for longer rather giving up completely because they are finding it all consuming to EBF.

In the current climate, given the state of the NHS and the lack of political interest in improving it, it may well be pragmatic to focus on supporting mixed feeding. It might be helpful for midwives to be clear with women that it doesn't have to be all or nothing.

I do sometimes feel like people think you're some weird doormat martyr if you feed beyond 6/9/12 months. I am extremely reserved about who I discuss the fact that I'm feeding a 23 month old, as I don't want to be judged for it. In fact I don't think anyone apart from my partner even knows.

Personally I see no problem in advocating mixed feeding if it means that some women then choose to breastfeed for longer rather giving up completely because they are finding it all consuming to EBF

That's pretty much exactly what I came onto this thread to say. I started to mixed feed from day 5 on advice from paediatricians and infant feed lead due to weight loss/jaundice/low milk. I beat myself up for several weeks about not being able to exclusively breastfed as I live in an area of the country with very high bf rates and had assumed I would be able to breastfeed because NCT tells you that all women can if they want to badly enough

Actually, mixed feeding has worked very well with our family life, DS is thriving, switching happily between breast and bottle and I can see this being sustainable. It really isn't all or nothing with bf.

That said, it has taken us a while to get into the swing of it as there is zero advice on how to do it effectively and the NHS aren't allowed to help you with it.

The NHS is allowed to help with mixed feeding. Any HV that refuses to discuss it isn't doing their job properly, and if people feel able to they should have a formal complaint made against them. Health visitors are always going on about "topping up" with formula, it seems to be the stock response to any queries about feeding issues.

Raising I've seen a few of your posts over the last few days and I suspect you are possibly treading a bit of a fine line in relation to the talk guidelines as you are posting a link to your blog with every post you make.

I'm sure you have lots to contribute to these forums, so it would be a shame if you got banned for technically spamming the boards as I'm sure that isn't your intention.

Is there any actual evidence that the NHS professionals "aren't allowed" to offer help with ff or mixed feeding, or is it anecdotes about particular HCPs who won't? BecUae there seem to be just as many anecdotes about HCPs who push formula top ups at the very first sign of an issue. Are there any written guidelines?

I think what HCPs offer probably varies by area and the policy in their area. Certainly where I am the BFHI had led to hospital staff thinking they couldn't talk about anything related to bottles - an indication of lack of resources for proper staff training. And midwives seemed to be young/inexperienced so were failing to listen to mothers.

HVs in my area were extremely short staffed- I was told they didn't have the resources to provide me with any PND support after the six week check so was left on my own. The postnatal support groups had all been cancelled from the month before I gave birth. The HV I saw at three weeks had a BFing checklist that she ticked her way through which included not supplementing with formula - we then had an argument as she told me off for using formula, completely ignoring my notes which said we'd just been discharged from SCBU where we'd had to use formula because of DD's dehydration.

There was a very tick boxy approach rather than much evidence of HCPs knowing what they were talking about.

But this categoric assertion often made that HCPs are "not allowed" to help with ff? If that is true there must be written guidelines.

For example google comes up immediately with making up infant formula

I did make formal complaints about the HCPs - although it took me months to get round to it with a baby around. Complaining ended up taking up a lot of time.

The maternity unit initially ignored my complaint until I involved the Chief Exec and PALS. I eventually received a lengthy apology for all their failings and an invitation to meet the Chief Midwife to discuss, which I took up. She was quite helpful but seemed rather shocked at what was going on just metres from her office door. Apparently they were going to improve their staff training. That one took until DD was 15 months to get through the process.

The HVs refused to acknowledge there was any need for a complaint, then lied to my MP and the Chief Exec of County Council when I involved them. I escalated complaint to Healthcare Ombudsman which was upheld that the HVs hadn't followed their own procedures and apology issued. That one took until DD was 26 months to work it's way through, by which point another provider was in charge of HVs so I'm not sure if it made any practical difference.

DH and I were both told by several midwives that they weren't allowed to offer any help or support with formula. One of them, an older one who seemed to have been there a while, did this with a big eye roll and later told DH they'd been instructed not to even talk about formula even though she knew from her experience that some women would need to supplement.

I don't know what guidelines they were following. I presumed BFHI.

@Kimjong The NHS does provide a booklet on formula feeding. Except it's really hard to get hold of - think I've already said this but the HCPs were handing out the BFing booklet willy nilly - I ended up with four of them, and it was one of the inclusions in the info pack on the postnatal ward.

Having begged for info about bottle feeding from the midwives and not got anywhere I then tried the HV, who eventually and very grudgingly handed over the bottle feeding booklet.

I know now it's available online but in a sleep-deprived haze in SCBU with a seriously ill dehydrated baby I was very dependent on the info they were giving me in the hospital.

Mybeldest is 23. Advice re bf and formula was poor then and still blamed on resources. The mantra was that every woman could bf and it was narural and what breasts were for. By day 10 I had had my first bout of mastitis due to poor advice - that bout could have been foreseen and the correct advicengiven when I phoned mat unit due to flu symptoms. HV at day 12 couldn't give a flying. At three weeks I was in agony and couldn't bear a silk nightie touching my breasts. Infective mastitis was setting in. At about five weeks I rang the HV desperate as NCT only offered bf support and I had had it instilled by HCPs and NCT that formula was bad and bacteria from bottles would poison my baby. The HV told me that breastfeeding mothers put their babies first and ff mothers put themselves first. She was about 25. At 8 weeks I had a breast abscess and insisted a drain was fitted so I could continue feeding. At 8.5 weeks the NCT sent their breast pump lady round tonfix me up with an electric pump. She fortunately was an ex nurse and mother of three. She went straight out and bought me a set of bottles and some formula and showed me what to do.

In 8 weeks she was the only sensible nurse I came across (the surgeon was but I had been indoctrinated). I needed permission to formula feed.

It tipped me into pnd and a lifelong distrust of nurses. Women need to be facilitated to do what is best for them and for their babies. I fail to comprehend why midwives and hvs continue to dish out rubbish advice. It is not consistent with the storybwe are told about them being highly educated, post graduate qualified professionals. If they were they would be able to provide evidence based advice and apply to individuals with varying needs rather than trot out an out of date leaflet.

I refused thereafter to deal with hvs and had consultant led care in subsequent pregnancies. It saddens me the system has not moved on. It was supposed to be about respources back then. It may be now but it wasn't then.

There is info on bottle feeding of course but no info on combo or mixed feeding. This is an important part of the picture that is missing. baby friendly guidelines specifically recommend against supplementing "unless medically needed" (which would entail the baby actually being ill from not enough milk). This would not cover the mum just wanting to combo feed or feeling it's a good solution to eg exhaustion etc. The new bfhi guidelines specify targets for ebf at discharge. This is important I think to consider when asking if "the info on mixed feeding is out there /available". Last time I checked nhs info, it only talked about ebf or eff by implication, not the idea you might do both.

combining breast and bottle feeding

There is no way a midwife or HV could advise to combine ff and b/f from day one becaue it would be really poor advice. Most women want to breastfeed, telling them to give their baby a bottle before it’s established would be the death knell there and then for most ‘breastfeeding journeys’. Once feeding is established it can be a good solution and lots of people I know have done it successfully from about 6/8 weeks, all supported and even int he advice of their hv’s, but few will manage it successfully from day 1.

The problem was, by 6/8 weeks mine were bottle refusers. I tried absolutely everything. I was a wreck. At 6 months DD2 was still breast feeding every 40 mins in the night. I had to go straight to sippy cups at 6 months and that was hit and miss for a while.

Absolutely, Grandmas.

However there are plenty of anecdotes on here about newborn babies being given formula against their mother's wishes, or even without their knowledge.

If I may be permitted to gallop round on my hobby horse for a while, it seems to me that there are crucial bits of information that new mothers just don't seem to be getting any more. 1) that milk does not come in for most women til day 3 2) that it is perfectly normal for babies to lose some weight in the first days and 3) expressing before supply is established is often a bad idea.

We did get told all of that though - colostrum for first couple of days (it was described as 'liquid gold') and then milk from day 3

• that some weight loss to be expected but baby would put it on again really quickly

What we weren't told was that some women had delayed milk (and it turns out to be more than a rare occurrence). It would have been very helpful to learn about the risk factors for that and be prepared for it (with hindsight it isn't a surprise my milk was so delayed). Or for at least the HCPs to know the risk factors for that and watch out for signs of problems.

I was discharged from postnatal on day 3. No sign of milk coming in, no mention this may be a problem, just told to keep feeding on demand. I had repeatedly asked HCPs to check my latch etc.
Day 4: Midwife ignores my concerns about lack of wet/dirty nappies and is really patronising about cluster feeding
Day 5: baby lost 13% weight and admitted to SCBU with hypernatraemic dehydration

We were also not told anything at all about pump expressing - it was something women did when going back to work, not in the early days.

So, bit of a shock to end up in SCBU on day 5 having to pump eight times a day as well as feed baby directly eight times a day to try and get some milk to actually appear.

Fed is Best meanwhile provides brilliant advice about the signs to look out for of problems and how to supplement with formula whilst protecting supply. So, not mix feeding as such, but supplementing initially. If we had followed that advice I wouldn't have ended up in SCBU.

It was incredibly hard to find information about mix feeding. For a start i didn't know it was a Thing. The choice was presented as EBF or EFF so I didn't know you could combine the two.

Absolutely riding- that is what I meant. The info presented to parents has only a part of the necessary information. I am sorry what you went thru. Hope you and child doing well now.

@RidingMyBike - Kudos to you for following through with the complaints.

This thread has been a breath of fresh air! I don't see why people who haven't got on well with breastfeeding should be silenced and discouraged from sharing their experiences.

I personally mixed-fed both DS until 8 weeks, after which we moved exclusively to formula. With DS1, I had a haemorrage and several blood transfusions, which delayed the arrival of any milk (including colostrum) by several days. Since he wasn't left to starve to death during this period, he was given a bottle of formula and thus was accustomed to it from the start. I always had problems with bleeding nipples and recurrent mastitis, so mixed feeding was a solution.

I'm in Switzerland and here there seems to be a more relaxed approach to feeding, although officially BF is the preferred recommendation, as per the WHO. My consultant obstetrician, who followed both pregnancies and delivered both babies, told me that she didn't BF either of her children after the colostrum finished.

If you live in a developing country and don't have access to clean water, then of course BF is a far better choice. But for most people in the developed world, it's no where near such a clear-cut issue. People should just do what feels right for their family and to hell with what anyone else thinks.

“This thread has been a breath of fresh air! I don't see why people who haven't got on well with breastfeeding should be silenced and discouraged from sharing their experiences”

Have you actually read Mumsnet????