Anyone else regret breastfeeding?

[RidingMyBike]

I think DD is self-weaning as she hasn't wanted a feed for a few days. She is 28 months. Which means I've been reflecting on our 'breastfeeding journey' (stupid phrase) and wondering whether it was worth it?

I have never enjoyed breastfeeding. I loathed every single second of it for most of the first year. I only really kept on going after ten months because she only wanted to feed once or twice a day and doing something you hate for ten minutes a day is a lot easier than constantly.

None of the supposed benefits I was told about seem to have been true. It wasn't free (it cost more than formula in terms of extra food for me, plus the bras, tops, pump etc), it didn't help us bond - in fact it gave me PND and totally mucked up bonding for months. It wasn't fun and snuggly. It wasn't 'convenient'. It turned out most of the research into its benefits could be ruled out because middle class mums are more likely to BF and the advantages come from that background not the BF. The benefits of fewer infections etc are at population level, not individual, although she has no allergies and has never had a stomach upset (whilst EBF cousin has multiple allergies and several upset stomachs!)

DD was combi-fed from five days after crap advice from midwives meant she developed hypernatraemic dehydration when my milk didn't come in and their obsession with EBF meant I was advised not to supplement with formula initially. I loved feeding her formula - I liked measuring the little scoops, getting it all organised. Looking into her eyes whilst giving her a bottle did help us bond.

Why is there so much pressure to BF? With what I know now I wish I'd just formula fed from the start - although doubtless I'd be beating myself up on missing out on the bonding experience I'd been told about.

Anyone else feel like this? I feel like I've been mis-sold a product that has really not lived up to the hype beforehand!

Staff actively refusing to advise is not on.

I’m fine with the posters - there are lots of misconceptions about bf and it’s useful to address them. Stomach size is one of them so I think that’s useful.

The care of mother and baby is the focus of a birthing unit/ward - if that mother is specifically asking ‘how do I..?’ Then those questions should be answered.

And I know people asked me why I kept going with bf when I hated it so much - the pressure is unbearable. Some of that may be internal but you are treated so badly if you don't bf and made to feel that you don't care about your baby. And all the info says to do it for six months/two years. To have turned round and said 'no, I hate this, I don't want to do it' seemed impossible, especially once I was at the point when there was milk there.

The only people I'd seen stop BFing before I had mine were a friend who stopped because she had to start chemo and someone whose baby had such a severe tongue tie her milk didn't come in. So the only valid reason to stop seemed to have to be an overwhelmingly physical reason.

I do think when people talk about pressure a lot of it is self driven to be honest. Then they go to groups with a mind set that they are being judged and actually that’s not the case. Comments like ‘if you introduce a bottle your supply will drop’ are just factual, yet if you felt like you were failing by doing it that could easily be seen as judgmental when it’s not meant to be. Many many women will mix feed, I imagine that the vast majority of support groups won’t ostracise them. It’s also about the supporters training. They should be asking women what their end feeding goal is perhaps before making any comments. But as there’s no one state funded training and support programme it will vary across the country massively whose running those groups and trainignpeer supporters.

Riding but yet again I think there’s big variations. We were in a ‘baby friendly’ hosp for a week and I was asked ‘which formula I would choose’ by a consultant when I had litres of pumped milk in the fridge! Honestly I was so exhausted and feeling so pathetic at that point that if my dh hadn’t been there advocating they would have easily given my baby formula when really that was against my wishes and totally unnecessary in my case.

But the ‘pressure’ you talk of, surely once you are discharged by the midwives no one is interested in how you’re feeding? Our HV couldn’t have cared less and I rarely saw them after the 1st few months. I don’t recall anyone asking much and surely if you tell GP, HV you’re ff you are with the 70% of mums they must see, do they really roll their eyes and tut tut? Are you sure it wasn’t just that you felt you needed to feed until 2? You must have known past 6 months you were in the tiniest minority?

"but you are treated so badly if you don't bf and made to feel that you don't care about your baby."
Can I ask who by?

I definitely think the guilt/pressure is internal in a lot of cases. I kept going as long as I did because I felt bad because he'd been a emcs, needed antibiotics in NICU even though every time he latched, it triggered my ptsd and made me hate him, I felt I had to keep at it. A few people told me it would get better but most health care providers said quit, give him formula, don't make yourself ill.

I'm finding more pressure this time but I think that's because my gut reaction is not to try at all, just to go straight to formula whereas the consultant I'm under and the community midwives think I should at least try latching the baby and see what happens.

Staff refusing to give guidance on formula feeding, bottles and sterilizing is wrong and a failure to understand that attempting to become a breastfeeding friendly hospital doesn't mean actively obstructing other mothers.

I don't have an issue with hospitals not providing formula as a matter of course. They'll always have some, for babies in SCBU/NICU or those who are separated from their mother for some reason. And they should give formula to mothers who end up switching to formula who hadn't planned for it. But if you know you're formula feeding from birth then I'd expect those parents to bring their own choice of formula, and I don't think that's unreasonable.

I extended bfed my dd up to age 4, it's something I'm glad i did when I think of all the parenting mistakes I've made and feel bad about that's something that went well for me. But it wouldn't have been so easy for someone else. Dd took to bfing fairly easily and my family was supportive. Dd is an only child so no other children to look after, and my Dh was pretty laid back about my attachment parenting ideas some people wouldn't like that. I don't have a busy social life and only work pt.
I think the thing is our society just isn't bfing friendly. You can't wander round all over the place bfing your toddler in a sling without getting Looks. People are so ambivalent about bfing, especially as babies get older. Your family and friends are just as likely to moan at you for not doing something they want you to rather than sitting down for a feed.

@Grandmaswagsbag the HVs had a checklist of BFing stuff to go through and were very disapproving of formula. I've already said above that the first HV I saw totally ignored the fact I'd been forced to give DD formula in the hospital to save her life and lectured me on how I'd 'destroy BFing' if I carried on with the top ups. My milk hadn't actually come in at that stage (HV appeared to have done the basic BF training but had no greater knowledge than that). Same with HV at six week check. I did wonder whether they had some benchmark to reach about still BFing at a certain point as they were very keen to ask and record this?

I was asked whether I was still BFing at all the vaccination appts etc and it was noted in the red book. We had the 27 month check last month and I was asked whether I was still BFing then as well.

@TheKimJongUnofFeminism

I think we're going round in circles here. Some breastfeeders treat formula feeders really badly - whether this is online or in person. Basically every time you try and get support for mix feeding you get someone having a go at you for giving formula.

Online you'd get women saying something like 'it was so hard at the beginning but I really love my baby so I kept going through it all. I feel sorry for those babies that don't get that from their mums'. How is that meant to make anyone feeding formula feel?

I have regrets that I was so stuck on Breastfeeding. My DC are grown now, but I remember feeling miserable during the first months of their lives as Bf seemed to be the focus and I was so chronically tired and anxious. In hindsight, the whole experience would have been so much richer if my DH or others could have taken off some of the burden.

In terms of hospital info, I'd have liked to have seen:

• Poster/info about sterilising near to the baby milk kitchen so it is easy to see when you go to sterilise your bottles/pump (this one should be a no brainer, surely!).
• Info about what to expect in terms of feeding/colostrum/milk coming in/amount of poo and wee over first week
• Info about safely making up a

bottle of formula.

• Info about mix feeding
• Info about what to do if you think there is a problem - who to contact, what the options might be (eg supplement with formula for a day or two and how to do this whilst protecting supply)
• I would have found it extremely helpful to have seen a risk assessment/checklist type thing of signs that indicate you may have a problem with delay or supply (infertility, diabetes, PCOS, haemorrhage after birth, retained placenta, tongue tie etc etc). Seeing something like that would have made me grab a midwife and pointed out how many of them applied to me and asked for assistance with checking DD was getting enough milk.
• Info about general baby care (nobody would help me bath DD even though her hair was full of my blood which was disgusting after several days in a hot hospital)

Yes OP! I only lasted 4 months and we bonded much more naturally after I switched to formula. I felt like instead of resenting the pain and inconvenience for every second of the day, I just got to know the little person I had made and fell in love with her.

So glad you posted this- anything to lift some of the pressure from new mums to BF when it's just not right for them.

If I could do it again I think I would just go formula from day one.

I was reading this today I thought of this thread!

It’s from ‘The French Art of Letting Go’. It’s so sad to hear about the pressure so many posters felt. I wish that no new Mum ever felt this level of pressure about bf or anything else.

I guess we all have our own stories and reasoning but I loved it and miss it sometimes.

We went through 2 rounds of ivf to finally get pregnant and I felt like less of a woman as my body just couldn’t manage to get pregnant... breastfeeding my twins successfully gave me my femininity back, as weird as that sounds.

I never thought I would breastfeed in fact I was adamant I wasn’t going to. I am however still breastfeeding my dad who’s 2 and ds 6 months. I have never felt any pressure of anyone to breast feed. I have breast fed for so long because it’s easier both dd and ds are quick but frequent feeders, latched straight away, I am lazy and cba with all that sterilising bottles and stuff. And as much as I thought it was a load of old cobblers before I had dd I definitely bonded me. I don’t understand if you didn’t enjoy it are gonna and so many people regret it so much then why carry on. Tbh I couldn’t care less how anyone else chooses to feed there child it’s none of mine or anybody else’s business

Nope, never regretted feeding my child on a diet of fresh food for a year, rather than some over priced, highly processed freeze dried powder reconstituted with tap water.

The benefits do exist at an individual level, but are measured at a population level.

So sick of people wanting to jump on the bandwagon of slagging off breastfeeding and trivialising it’s benefits, because it’s the ‘right on’ populist thing to do.

Just give it a rest.

Dd not dad

LOL funnily enough the over-processed freeze dried powder saved my baby's life!

And people upthread were doubting the pressure to BF

on BFing forum on FB first thing this morning - first post was woman in terrific state because her baby was losing weight and she was being advised to supplement but she was desperate to EBF. She's convinced this is the end of the world.

Different area of the country to me. So no pressure to EBF then?

Poor woman. And I really hope she supplements the baby before it becomes really ill.

Thing is though that HV often go straight to advising formula "top ups" before giving any advice at all about how to increase the amount of breastmilk the baby is getting. I had no advice at all from midwives/HV about how to increase supply and get more milk into baby. They just wanted me to use formula.

I hope that the woman on FB that you mention actually gets some expert breastfeeding advice as that seems be what she wants. I also hope that the expert advice includes offering formula if her specific circumstances means it's necessary.

Riding-what sort of advice has she got so far? I hope it includes-as well as reassurance that ff is by no means the end of the world-that it is perfectly normal for a baby to lose weight initially. And that it is perfectly normal for milk not to come in for 3 days.

Is is possible that she is so worried because she is being pressurised to give the baby formula?