I don't want to breastfeed.

[PandaLouise]

Hello everyone. I'm 16 weeks pregnant and since finding out I've decided that I don't want to breastfeed. I understand everyone says breast is best and that I might "change my mind" but I'm pretty adamant that I don't want too. Does this make me a bad person?

Forgot to add that I am glad my friend wasn't pressured or guilt tripped how you were Rumple. She felt guilty enough as it was that her body "spat out" her baby before she was ready tombs born naturally and due to past issues she didnt/couldn't bf or have her breasts manhandled. I genuinely think she'd have some sort of PTSD if her consultant had said those sort of things to her in an attempt to guilt her.

You are not a bad person. I breast fed for two weeks and then switched to formula. Best thing I ever did- ds was so much happier and so was I.

So yes I suppose my comment was incorrect. If you have a premature baby you can technically refuse to provide colostrum and b/milk but you will be strongly advised against such action by your consultant, thus making it very hard. I wouldn’t expect anyone least of all on MN to encourage women that it’s ok to ignore medical advice though. Why would you champion personal choice over a sickly babies health? Sometimes if you’re one of the unlucky ones you can’t champion it at all costs I’m afraid.

@Lovesagin i was milked by a mw in the middle of the night when i was exhausted after a 3 day labour.....i couldnt have strung a sentence together. My husband made a complaint because of the way it was handled. Irrespective of my choice i was not consulted properly. My hospital experience of feeding has quite literally scarred me. I am still bf at 5.5mth but i can honestly say i look back at those early days with real sadness and upset.

I love bf now. I just feel robbed of my experience at the start due to the crap way i was treated in hospital. But this is not how it is for every one. I was unlucky.

i think its a personal choice whether you bf or not. It shouldnt be frowned upon either way.

Assinated yes possibly. But it was irrelevant for me as I didnt see it as any kind of duress, I saw it as them helping me give my baby the best chance at the best start. I’m actually forever greatfulmto all those hpcs in that hospital who helped and cared for me and my baby.

Then don't do it.

But do have some information to hand in case you change your mind. (Just like I had some bottles ready just in case).

I don't understand then why you've described it as being done without having a choice. You sound really angry about this being done to you, without your proper consent, and you feel like you had no choice. But you also say that you wanted to, you didn't feel under duress and you wanted to breastfeed.

“Rumpledfaceskin yes I know that but I was made to feel abnormal because my milk wasn’t in on day 2.“

When I said earlier that there are 3 statements about bf that are very often made which are wrong, this is one of them. That if there is no milk on day 1 or 2 there is no milk. And HCPs are often as guilty as Aunty Mabel at Number 32. The others are that weight loss in the first couple of weeks is a sign of poor supply, and that expressing in the early days is a good plan (unless the baby is weak or poorly and can’t suck, obviously)

Sorry to hear that jellybabies, a mw tried to assault me by opening my gown and latching ds1 on while I was dozing and only stopped when I shouted (accidentally spat too!) in her face to remove her hands from my breast. Even now I can't stand dp touching them if I'm not expecting it.

Rumple I'm not championing mums going against what a doctor would advise, I'm saying that women have, and must always have, the choice over what to do with their own body. The good thing is, preemie formula is nearly always fine and if not, most hospitals are now able to get donor milk. Everyone knows BM is better, so, especially in a situation where there is a preemie baby involved, if a mum still doesn't want to bf or use her BM, I respect that she has her reasons and would never ever try to make her feel bad for it, I'm pretty sure she'll be going through enough torture tbh. I am sorry for your experience and questionable bedside manner you received from the doctors, even though as you say you wanted to bf anyway.

it doesn’t devalue breastfeeding by pointing out women have a choice. No one needs it pointing out. It’s in your face constantly. Small children think it’s normal to give a baby a bottle. Toy dolls are packaged with bottles. Schools have dolls and bottles, or pictures of babies with bottle and dummy images included. It’s ingrained in us from a young age, Why? . Bottles, tins, sterilisers, milk warmers are all readily available and visible everywhere for us to see. They are not hidden from us. You don’t have a baby and get the shock of your life discovering actually you can buy powder made from cows milk that you can make into baby milk, you already know this and most people have already bought some, just in case, or have already had it give. To them at a “baby shower”. China and some other Asian countries think Australian formula is so superior there are restrictions on tin numbers purchased, shortages for Australian mothers to buy it and there is a massive black market for selling it. (I think similar in the UK)

We know the options. Science is now learning more and more about breastmilk. How educated people choose to feed their baby is up to them, truly, but by a group collective standing behind people saying “it’s ok”. “There’s pros and cons” “formula is just as good... look at me I’m ok” is not helping to protect and support breastfeeding as the first choice to attempt feed your baby.

So make *your own mind up. But don’t try to get others to justify you, or encourage others to do the same, to help you feel justified in your choice.

That *you is not pointed towards anyone it’s just you the reader

@Newmanwannabe the bottle could have expressed breast milk in it

Pass. Yes it could. It’s up to each mum how she chooses to feed her baby.

I disnt say I felt my choice was taken away, I said I imagine if you’re someone who wants to ff and you happen to have a premature baby you will feel like not providing colostrum and/or b/milk is a difficult choice to justify to your babies consultant. The milking thing is quite common in our hospital. I know several other people who experienced it but again they were all set on b/feeding so it wasn’t seen as a problem. Donor milk is not on tap at smaller hospitals, so unless they can get it very quickly after birth you often don’t really have a choice, depending on your babies gestation I don’t think it’s fair to say that premie formula is mostly ok. NEC is life threatening.

But but but, it IS ok, if that's what a mum wants to do, it is ok, and yes I will stand right behind her and say that. Something can be ok, but not be as good, as another.

And fwiw my ds used to breastfeed his teddy. I drew the line when he asked me to bf the dog, that felt a bit too weird.

@Lovesagin 🤣 bless him

Mine are 21 and 16 now !!! Healthy , clever, never had any of the disorders the breast feeding mafia allege they will have !!! I tried to do it with DD and it just didn't work out ... but be prepared to be judged by total smug strangers !!! ... if you are happy and relaxed that is all that matters .. x

What I’m getting at is the power of persuasion. And pressure. It works both ways. I’ve seen women almost destroy themselves trying to breastfeed. I’ve seen women terrified to give their baby a bottle or dummy because they think they are doing the wrong thing. I’ve seen family members actively discourage new mums to breastfeed. It’s awful. The pressure we put on ourselves and each other.

We all need to just get on with it and let each person do what they feel is best for them, and not try to influence them one way or the other.

Think about toilet paper. We all use it in some form. We mostly all buy it. No one normally talks about their toilet paper choices. There’s recycled, perfumed, 100% tree . There are a few people who are passionate and extreme about what other choose to buy and want to encourage everyone to do what they do but not really many. Normally you would add it to your shopping list and go get it. Why can’t infant feeding be similar. That you just do it.

It doesn't make you a bad person at all. My mum stand bf any of us, she didn't even want to try.
I didn't want to try it either, so I didn't.
The midwife I saw early on tried to pull the 'keep open minded, you might feel different later on' card. We moved so I was at a new doctors. The midwife, (well student midwife) to insist on writing that I'd try it, until I threatened to make a formal complaint to her uni. Thankfully the midwife and student midwife in the birth centre were very supportive and respected my decision.
People will always judge, but it's your choice.

Nope! I can't stand the thought of breastfeeding so I'm not going to. Don't let anyone change your mind if it's made up.

Whatever you decide, just make sure you are 100% confident in your choice, as in my experience you'll be made to feel bad about it whatever you do by some people. Definitely no winners in motherhood!

Well said @Newmanwannabe I was def in the first couple of camps you mentioned and it was no fun. Despite this I am pleased i breastfed and don’t regret it but I shouldn’t have gone on for so long. The sleep deprivation and everything else going on at the time had me conditioned to thinking I would be failing my baby if I gave him a drop of formula. I was obsessed with EBF and the NHS recommendation of 6 months and then when I got to that I wanted to go on a year and then beat myself up for not making it. I put so much pressure on myself and not just about breastfeeding but about every aspect of trying to be the ‘perfect’ Mother. I now know happy Mum equals happy baby and I would do things a lot differently if I’m ever to have another. I certainly won’t strive to be the SuperMum I have tried to be with DS and that’s okay; I can live with imperfection.

I expressed my colostrum then bottle fed after that, with the odd expressed milk bottle thrown in. Only managed the expressing for about 3 weeks though

Don't breastfeed if you don't want to.

Breast is not always best. Just look at how many of us on another thread shared about how our babies weren't getting enough of our 'perfect and more than enough' breast milk. 😒.

What you feel comfortable with and what you want to do is best.

"Breast is best" is not going to mean in all circumstances. It means, all other things being equal and without any issues, breastmilk is optimal where formula is adequate. Of course there will be many factors/issues that can make breastfeeding difficult or impossible for women, and then formula becomes the solution. And choosing to use formula, because that's your preference is also fine. All parents make choices at some point that aren't the optimal choice, because that's what suits us better.