I don't want to breastfeed.

[PandaLouise]

Hello everyone. I'm 16 weeks pregnant and since finding out I've decided that I don't want to breastfeed. I understand everyone says breast is best and that I might "change my mind" but I'm pretty adamant that I don't want too. Does this make me a bad person?

"I think the 'horror stories' can be helpful and should be told."

Of course. But to the exclusion of all else?

I personally found advice about the breastfeeding postiirve plentiful when I had ds and could have done with more information on the negatives and formula feeding at the time.

positives*

There is SO much information about breastfeeding out there. If anyone wishes to find out about certain things they are worried about the information is already there and they can easily find it.

"Of course. But to the exclusion of all else?"

No. You said something about people posting g horror stories, so I said I think they should be told. Nothing about excluding the positive stories

I already know a lot of information about it. I know all the pros and cons of each choice. And I made y choice. I may be early on but I'll make whatever decision I think is best and for the baby to bond properly with dad and for my sanity. I will not breastfeed.

There is so much misinformation about bf out there too!

Good on you @PandaLouise for knowing your own mind and standing by your choices. I wish I’d have been as strong as you with my first as all of the pressure about ‘trying to do it right’ and being some sort of breast feeding singing all dancing ‘super-mum ’ got to me.
I strived to be the latter for far too long and it spoilt things. I certainly won’t make that mistake twice.

There are, for example, 3 things I always see being said about bf-usually unchallenged-that I know to be at best misleading-at worst downright wrong

Purely out of interest - what?

Again I think this goes back to us seeming to need women to justify their choices. Whether OP is totally informed and clued up or has misapprehensions is not my place to judge - feels like ‘you need re-education.’ And I’m not OK with that.

I think one big problem with the whole debate is that the population level and the individual level get confused. I’m ALL for better information being given out generally, for more support services, for normalisation on TV for example. But when it comes to the individual I think choice is key. So for me there’s a big difference between a national TV campaign about positive attitudes to bf/myths/support etc and actively telling someone who doesn’t want to ‘no these are the myths.’

I’m not sure I’m explaining what I mean very well. I guess that information is great but it’s shouldnt be used to pressure an individual out of a free choice?

So by all means let’s look at ways to address the population of potentially BFing mums with a view tonincreasing rates generally, but that has to be done while respecting their individual choices.

I guess it’s the difference between a five a day campaign and force feeding someone bananas.

Don't feel any pressure from anyone to. If you don't want to that's your choice :)

@Anatidae I see what you mean. It’s using information to change somebody’s mind as their choice can’t possibly be informed as if it was they would be breastfeeding from birth. The fact is there’s loads of people who have all of the information tomtheir disclosure and still choose not to breastfeed because they don’t want to and that’s fine. I don’t know why it bothers women what other women’s choices are. You never see formula feeders lecturing breastfeeders on their choices as much.

Bowing out of this debate now. I formally hand my proxy to Anatidae - I agree with absolutely everything she says.

You never see formula feeders lecturing breastfeeders on their choices as much.

I don't think people are lecturing- it can just be a bit frustrating when myths are repeated.

My only input is that giving a couple of bottles a day is not going to affect bond between the Dad and the baby. The dads I know who have a good bond with their children are ones who are available and involved- how the babies were fed is irrelevant.

@BertrandRussell Every positive BF story or encouraging advice on Mumsnet has to have a disclaimer about FF being a great choice too, lest you want to be torn apart. But when I posted on my struggles with BF, I regularly got advice to just switch to formula and it'll all be easier. The majority of mothers in this country FF their babies but Mumsnet would have you believe they're a persecuted minority so you always have to remind them it's a great choice too. I understand it's painful for someone racked with guilt over not being able to BF, but FF is normalised in this society, and has in fact become synonymous with the women's right to choose. Stats speak for themselves.

I actually think the benefits of breastfeeding may be overstated anyway.
There are cultural and class "categories"(at a public level) that are more and less likely to BF/FF, it's my understanding that (limited, I agree) studies between siblings from the same family show little to no difference, in siblings where one has been BF and FF.
some studies done on formula vs bf have also taken place in third world countries where women haven't had access to clean water or the means (or knowledge) on how to clean it, thus increasing the instance of some illnesses. Whereas Breastfeeding doesn't carry the same risks but in the UK and other developed countries we all know or can quickly learn how to sterilise equipment and water to make bottles.
I'd like to see more in depths studies done on sibling groups.

Fwiw, I chose not to breastfeed. I was judged quite heavily for it by some but most people didn't give a shit. I didn't care for anyone's judgement either. You get used to being judged as a parent anyway

You don't have to even try. Just wanted to say that it's not a given that you will get flack for it, I formula fed both mine from the start and not had a negative word from anyone.

Also, OP, I knew I'd never breastfeed before I was even TTC.
I don't like the thought of it, don't want to do it. So I didn't and won't with future dc.
It's quite patronising for people to tell you you'll change your mind or should, it's ok to change your mind but you may not... as with many other things.

I breastfed because I wanted to at the start but it was hospital that ruined my experience in combination with a sick baby. Maybe if I’d had better support, less interfering I’d have enjoyed the experience better and not felt I had to push on for months exclusively breast feeding and pumping like crazy with not enough milk to satisfy my baby.

If my baby hasn’t have been unwell and I’d have had my milk come straight in and have produced more and been confident to be in public than I’d have enjoyed the experience a lot better. I was miserable and traumatised by the whole experience.

@PandaLouise I hope you don't think that all the fathers of breastfed babies aren't properly bonded with them as a result? That really is a myth. How "bonded" a dad is depends entirely on how much effort they make themselves, not on feeding method.

Oh no course not. I fully understand that dads bond with their babies regardless but it's something me and my partner have discussed and he wants to help with feeds etc :)

Op you need to do what’s best for you. Do consider giving baby the first feed of colostrum though as it’s absolutely packed with nutrients and antibodies which will protect your lovely newborn. You can go straight into bottles after that, but there is absolutely no substitute for colostrum.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and of course you are not a bar person for your FF choice. Enjoy your baby.

Dads of BF babies are still equally bonded to their children. That is an awful misconception especially when many fathers take on an active supporting role during the BF time and take on extra work to allow the mother to feed their baby as they as a family have decided is best.

You never see formula feeders lecturing breastfeeders on their choices as much

Maybe not on here, but irl i got a shitload.

Ff would see me bf and go into a long rant about why they “couldn’t” bf. Low supply, “you can’t bf a 10lb baby”, no milk, milk never came in, baby didn’t want to....many of these reasons were myth or could have been overcome with good bf advice, but I bit my tongue, smiled, nodded and made sympathetic noises while thinking i really didn’t care that they were ff.

Then there was the crowd who would air their opinions- from bf being unhygenic, those who would go on about how did i know he was getting enough, what if my milk wasn’t “rich” enough- every whimper, every time he put his hands in his mouth, every time he went to feed, it was declared that i was “starving” him.

Then you have the crowd who think bf in public is akin to page 3, and try to get you to feed in a toilet, tell you you can’t feed in the middle of a cafe/this restaurant is to nice, they won’t let you feed here/on a bus/anywhere there are men present.

Then the crowd who go on about you martyring yourself, and don’t you think that’s long enough. Anyway we want to feed the baby, by doing it yourself you are denying us our chance to bond. He got you up again last night? You should ff, it’s ridiculous you still night feeding.

Etc etc etc....

If my baby hasn’t have been unwell and I’d have had my milk come straight in and have produced more and been confident to be in public than I’d have enjoyed the experience a lot better. I was miserable and traumatised by the whole experience.

I accept that those are common hurdles but why do you think you weren’t confident to feed in public?

Secondly, milk takes a few days at least to come in. And my baby was also unwell so I’m not being unsympathetic.

This comment is exactly what I mean when I say that mis information is spread on here in droves. And as far as not wanting to feed in public is concerned it makes me really sad and really angry that women are dealing with those thoughts when it’s clearly a societal problem we have here. And I’ve recieved plenty of lectures from friends who don’t understand or accept my choices and think I’m totally crazy for breastfeeding because of all the usual crap that’s spouted about it.