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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

I am ashamed of myself for being so judgemental.

377 replies

Gingerbear · 28/01/2007 08:03

A mum from DD's school had a baby last week. I saw her yesterday and was chatting to her about all things baby. Then she got out a bottle and filled it with a carton of formula. I felt my heart sink and I thought, oh no, she hasn't even tried to breastfeed. I was about to say, 'I will be breastfeeding again next time' but held my tongue. I have no idea about her views, if she had problems with breastfeeding and I don't know her well enough to broach the subject.
It is such a personal issue, and so easy to offend someone. I just feel so sad and frustrated at myself for being unable to speak to her.

OP posts:
moondog · 28/01/2007 22:57

Noone has actually said anything Smiley.
People have only thought fleetingly (probably in the briefest of pauses whilst perusing the yoghurts in the dairy aisle.

moondog · 28/01/2007 22:59

And wellie,your point re judgemental comments hurting because the person in question has already judged themselves is so true.

People tell me loudly and clearly that my parents did an awful thing sending us thousands of miles away to boarding school.

They didn't so frankly the comments are not remotely hurtful.

SherlockLGJ · 28/01/2007 23:00

GINGERBEAR

I truly hope your PG proceeds without incident.

I hope that you do not have 3 rounds of Prostaglandin.

I hope you are not in labour for 16 hours before you have a ECS.

I hope you can breathe at all times and do not feel your heart beating out of your chest everytime your try to lie down and sleep.

I hope that you are not taken to intensive care and that you do not have 4 yes count them 4 litres of fluid removed from your lungs.

And when that is all over I pray to God, they do not tell you that you categorically cannot BF or you will quite possibly kill your child.........because here are the drugs to save your life, and BTW they cross over.

I am really really saddened by your attitude.

Greensleeves · 28/01/2007 23:01

Brilliant interesting posts from Smiley as usual. I don't agree with all of it by any means - I still don't think people can help what they find sad and how they react internally to things - just whether they make their feelings known to those who might be better off not knowing. But you make great points and make them well IMO, Smiley. It makes a change from the usual stalemate .

What always strikes me about these threads is the rawness and power of the feelings so many of us have about feeding, on both sides of the debate. It runs very deep. What could be more fundamentally representative of our new role as a mother than the sudden, stark responsibility for keeping this child alive by feeding it? When it goes wrong/we can't do what we planned, it's devastating. It's like a permanent blemish on a new white cloth, it's A Bad Start.

I generally find myself torn in these arguments, because I am pretty passionate about bfing, so can understand the more - um - enthusiastic advocates and agree with much of what they say (for example I do think mothers should be told the truth about formula, its contents and its health implications, even if they find it difficult to hear). However I also am someone who was made, for reasons beyond my control, to stop much earlier than I wanted to and I felt very badly about ffing and being judged. I judged myself pretty harshly and it still hurts (he's 2.7).

What a ramble. Sorry. But however many times we go round and round this discussion it still throws up questions and problems for me. I don't like mothers being lied to and hoodwinked by formula companies pushing their product at the expense of babies' overall welfare. I don't like women being made to feel like damned failures before the baby can even hold its own head up, because they couldn't bf, for whatever reason. I don't like anyone being gagged or told they can't or shouldn't experience a certain emotion in response to something they feel strongly about. It's difficult.

misdee · 28/01/2007 23:01

its not over whealming sadness (ie burst into tears etc, its just a fleeting feeling. and you cant stop feeling.

and its not the saddest thing i have ever faced or dealt with. one of the saddest things for me, was kissing my dh goodbye one day, not knowing if he would survive his life saving op the following day, whilst holding our 5month old dd. and if anyone wants to know, dd3 did have some formula in the following days as i was spending hours in ITU and thats no place for babies, dd3 spent many a lovely hour getting to know her grandad better.

SmileysPeople · 28/01/2007 23:03

They have on here, hence the discussion.

You only have to look at this thread to see the hurt that is caused.

I agree that feeling 'sad' is not necessarily a judgement, but to those of us sensitive to a failimg in this area it can feel that way.

I think we need to be more sensitive to the feelings of those who bf and those who have failed to do so.

I'm sorry you found my 'utterances' 'gnomic' I was genuinely trying to explain a point

Obviously very badly.

SmileysPeople · 28/01/2007 23:08

Thankyou G. I needed that.

I am sitting here all tearful, unable to go to bed as DH will ask me what's wrong and when I explain I've been called gnomic on the internet he will be amused rather than sympathetic.

It's hard to believe that comments made on here by people you don't know can be so hurtful.

moondog · 28/01/2007 23:09

Oh FGS,you're not hurt by the 'gnomic' comment are you?
It was said in jest!!!!
I think it's quite cool to be gnomic actually.
People then treat you respectfully as they think you are uttering great truths,even if secretly thinking 'Eh???'

I apologise for that.

Greensleeves · 28/01/2007 23:09

Oh yes, I've had my fingers burned many times on here - it's surprising how much it can get to you! That's how you know you're really addicted...

moondog · 28/01/2007 23:11

Oh, one must always remind oneself it is a weird parallel world and therefore not to be taken seriously.
People have said some foul things to me.
It really doesn't bother me.

welliemum · 28/01/2007 23:12

sherlock, what an awful story.

I wouldn't single out gingerbear though, because she started to judge and then reflected, and realised it was not on.

I think that's admirable. I think we should all strive to have insight into our prejudices and try to change them.

Judging bottlefeeding strangers doesn't happen to be a prejudice of mine, but I'm sure I have others and I would hope that I too can spot them before I say something really stupid and hurtful.

amijee · 28/01/2007 23:13

You can't exactly get away with a comment like feeling "sad" about the way someone chooses to feed their baby without those grps of people feeling a bit miffed about it.

breastfeeding mothers may do a lot of other things to harm their children....smoke in their presence, give them an unhealthy diet later in life, emotionally scar them...etc etc etc.

Why does everyone focus so much on the feeding when there are so many other ills in the world? ( btw, I am a breastfeeder)

misdee · 28/01/2007 23:13

yeah, watch out for that moondog,

welliemum · 28/01/2007 23:13

Well, I understand your postings Smiley!

Am I a gnome too?

SmileysPeople · 28/01/2007 23:15

I don't think I understand the meaning of the word gnomic then.

So what does that make me now??

I was trying to be balnaced and explain a genuine point.

Never mind, thanks for explaining, I'll pull myself together.
Go to bed.
and never venture near a bf/ff thread again.

Don't know what possessed me in the first place, mine are way past all this.

the guilt lingers on and on...

SherlockLGJ · 28/01/2007 23:18

GB has been here long enough to know when to post and when not to post. TBH

welliemum · 28/01/2007 23:20

Hmmm, OK. More to it than meets the eye, then?

moondog · 28/01/2007 23:20

Erm,it means you are uttering wise sounding words.
That do ya?

Greensleeves · 28/01/2007 23:22

Can't be worse than being a moondog, anyway

welliemum · 28/01/2007 23:29

No-one is calling me gnomic

VeniVidiVickiQV · 28/01/2007 23:41

I agree with all of you on many points.

But, I think a bit of perspective is required with regard to certain points. The situation that GB has specifically referred to relates to a woman who had a baby last week. Clearly if GB had managed to see her, or bump into her, there couldnt have been much wrong with her medically, notwithstanding any other issues as to why she couldnt or wouldnt breastfeed. The woman was walking, talking, unzipping formula cartons.

Secondly, GB is pregnant. She is expecting a baby soon, and as such, is full of anxieties, and hormones and thoughts of all things baby. Its only natural for her to ponder such stuff, and have strong feelings about certain things, which, at any other time, probably wouldnt evoke such strong feelings in her.

Lets cut GB some slack, and move the discussion away from GB as a person, because I think its incredibly unfair to judge her so fervently in a manner that is almost hypocritical.

CountessDracula · 28/01/2007 23:43

well that is crap

You don't have to look bad to be on drugs that you can't breastfeed on ffs

VeniVidiVickiQV · 28/01/2007 23:45

Did you see the bit about "notwithstanding any other reasons why someone couldnt/wouldnt breastfeed" CD? Or are you just selecting bits of my post that you want to read?

CountessDracula · 28/01/2007 23:47

But it doesn't make sense!

There was clearly nothing wrong with her medically other than the things that were wrong with her medically which meant she couldn't breastfeed????

SherlockLGJ · 28/01/2007 23:47

I do not have the energy to argue anymore.

I am taking my inadequate Formula Feeding arse off to bed.