I am ashamed of myself for being so judgemental.

[Gingerbear]

A mum from DD's school had a baby last week. I saw her yesterday and was chatting to her about all things baby. Then she got out a bottle and filled it with a carton of formula. I felt my heart sink and I thought, oh no, she hasn't even tried to breastfeed. I was about to say, 'I will be breastfeeding again next time' but held my tongue. I have no idea about her views, if she had problems with breastfeeding and I don't know her well enough to broach the subject.
It is such a personal issue, and so easy to offend someone. I just feel so sad and frustrated at myself for being unable to speak to her.

bbw - I am a big softy I know. So are you thought! I just know its got to be tough right now for you with dh away

I'm sure I will scare the midwives next time, I'll keep nagging them till they cave in lol

I'm off to toddlers tomorrow if your up for it, if not fancy a coffee got my discount throught now he he

Fingers x dh is home tomorrow for you. Mop up your tears hon, give yourself a hug and pop open your jd and coke

before I found mn I had no idea that people who breastfed felt so judgmental of those who didn't.

When I was pg with ds i had every intention of breastfeeding. mw was glad that I'd intended to breastfeed. As soon as he was born I tried. I had what I believe to be excellent support from the staff in hospital, esp the one who was on the night shift who came to help me get ds latched on etc. But it just wasn't happening. It was excruciatingly painful and for the first three nights I spent in hospital I rang dh as soon as he went home and was sad that it wasn't working.

But as soon as i left hospital everything changed because I was back at home in my own space. I tried to express but couldn't, and then when ds cried for milk I sent dh out for bottles and never looked back.

And maybe I'm strange then, because I put him on to formula and never ever felt guilty for doing so. He had the collostrum (sp?) from me in the first three days, and I believe that gave him a good start in life, but ultimately it was a case of weighing up trying and trying again with no success and nipples that were so sore I couldn't even touch them, and giving a bottle to my baby, who I love more than life itself, because he was hungry and needed to be fed. there really was no contest and I never looked back. And never ever did I feel guilty about it, and when the mw came to see me the next day I informed her that "the breastfeeding wasn't working out so I've switched to formula and he's doing fine and I'm not feeling guilty about it". There wasn't much she could say really.

And I have no idea whether other women looked at me and thought it sad that I was bottlefeeding a newborn, and tbh I don't give a shit. Because ultimately I did what I believe was best for my child at the time.

[blubs]

Just wondering - does anyone here feel judged if they intended to have a natural birth and ended up with a section?

I know some people do feel very upset when this happens, and I always feel a bit bewildered: I'm sorry that they're sad, but I battle to understand why it's so important to them.

However, when people post stories of how they planned to breastfeed and couldn't and how that felt, I have an immediate and visceral understanding of that.

To borrow expat's metaphor, method of delivery just isn't on my radar and I barely notice it and often can't remember for sure even how my friends delivered.

my pnd stems from my cs, coz i felt like such a failure. im a woman and giving birth is the most natural thing in the world, its what we're built for and i couldnt do it. everyone else i knew held their baby straight after but i was too ill. i dont feel judged by anyone else (tho i did get a few too posh to push jokes) but i def felt belittled and judged for ffing

Oh what a surprise that a Bf/ff thread has gone tits up.
[rolls eyes]

Thanks for posting lissielou.

It seems to me you can feel upset about a having a c/s and upset about having to ff, but you're more likely to feel judged about the feeding.

I wonder why that is? - given that there was no choice in either of those situations.

i think its coz bfing is so obv whats best for all involved. and ffers feel that they are being frowned upon for not doing the "right thing" and bfing is a v touchy subject. like it or not threads like this do prove that there bfing mums who sit in judgment on ffers

I had a breast reduction 11 years ago and would have loved to breast feed. Tried and tried to do so and could have cried about not being able to in those early days - then I got really really defensive about not being able to, now I'm OK with it, but wish I could have given my LO the best start in life.

One week after giving birth, DH was washing bottles and FIL said that he wouldn't have to if things were being done "naturally" - I bit back tears and said I would love to, but was unable (not sharing reduction with him) to do so - later, DH told me that he meant that the "natural" thing would be me washing the bottles - made me feel a bit better about myself, but no better towards FIL!!!!

I am confused by those of you who say you are'sad' because a ff baby is not getting the best start.

We can all agree I'm sure that bf is the ideal.

But as parents none of us acheive the ideal in all areas, we do the best we can and usually that is good enough, and ff is one area where some mothers are unable to give the best.

Do you also feel 'sad' when you see one parent families? or low income families? these would not be 'ideal' situations and yet families in these less than ideal siuations, very successfully bring up happy, loved, nutured, successful, confident children. As do most mothers who ff.

I suspect no one here who has said it makes them feel 'sad' would start a thread saying 'I feel so sad when I see a baby without a father, very low paid parents, disabled parents' etc. All which may not be 'best' or 'ideal' yet we all accep, majorly successful anyway.

So why is it Ok to judge mothers who for whatever reason, are unable to provide the 'best' way of feeding initially?

And to say you cannot control your feelings is untrue. Are you aware of cognitive behaviour approaches? How you think affects the way you feel. If you changed how you view mothers who ff, how you feel about it would also change.

That is why, you probaly do not have the same 'sad' feelings to lone parents, you have rationaliesd this in your minds in a way that makes you 'feel' Ok about it.

Do you bf feeding mothers who feel sad about babies not getting the best, feel you give the best in all other ways? I suspect you don't as none of us do.

'Good enough' parenting is the games we're all in.

Please don't judge, it is hurtful and damaging.

That bewilders me too Welliemum.
I can't fathom how someone could feel bad if they had a c/s for example.
The whole thing is beyond their conscience control anyway.
Does anyone seriously judge a woman on how she gave birth??

I feel sad when I see a baby without a father.

I feel sad when I see people struggle without much money.

How would you suggest I should feel in these situations Smiley?

the mum does

lol at Squishy's fil and the 'natural' way of doing things!!!

I expect that's why judgemental comments hurt so much - because you've already judged yourself, probably far more than anyone else every would.

You must feel sad alot Moondog as no child has the ideal.

That is the point I am making.

We all give less than the best in some areas, and yes OK, any child getting less than the best is 'sad', but it is also every child.

Save your 'sadness' for the children who are unloved and not nurtured.

My point is that ff is one area of not getting the best, but we are all culpable of that at some point as parents, but as long as we are overall 'good enough' do not feel 'sad' for that child.

Their parents love them,
Their parents feel judged by your 'sadness'
You will fail to give the 'best' yourself in some other area.

Being able to breastfeed is beyond some womens' control as well moondog

I know that CD.
It was very nearly beyond mine.

I have just resolved never to look at a breastfeeding thread again on mn

They ALWAYS make me feel like shit

Smiley,what bizarre gnomic utterance smiley.

It was not beyond mine..........the drugs required to keep me alive meant it was.

Threads like this make me feel shitty TBH.

I had a emergency CS but planned to have a home birth. No I dont feel judged. I was just glad my DS was born alive.
As for feeding him the same goes, I was thankful I had a baby to feed. Others arn't so lucky.

I feel sad when I see a child in a wheelchair.

My sadness has nothing to do with judging the parents. It also has nothing to do with pity. I am just sad. The fact that that child might well have a perfectly happy and fulfilling life doesn't make me any less sad (because sadness is different from pity).

Even though they can overlap, the 3 emotions of judging, pity and sadness are completely different.

I think it is the confusion of people saying they feel 'sad' with making others feel judged.

I commented earlier that SoupDragons explanation of her 'sadness' did not worry me.

I think that is because it was directed at the mother, she felt sad that the mother had not had the support etc and the mother may be feelng guilty etc. that does not feel judgemental.

But if you said to any parent that you felt 'sad' for their child at the way they were bringing them up, be it:

alone
without much money
in a routine
at boarding school

whatever,

you will very likely create a defensive reaction, as you make that person feel judged, that you feel they are not good parents, and they will want to show that despite x,y,z they are.

and in most cases they are.

Unless you are ideal yourself, which you are not(whoever you ), do not judge genuine loving parents who are douing their best.
After all that is what you are.