Is it normal to be so emotional about breast feeding?

[Writerwannabe83]

Hello everyone. This is my first post on the Feeding Forum and looking for some kind words and reassurance please.

I had my baby by ELCS last Friday and was kept in hospital until late Sunday night. Trying to establish BF was extremely difficult in that baby was very lethargic, vomiting after every feed and very difficult to attach. I was lucky if he was feeding once every 6 hours. He had to be seen by the Neonatal team 3 times because of concerns - he ultimately lost over 8% of his body weight within 48 hours and suffered premature jaundice.

I got very upset and disheartened by my BF difficulties and had a complete breakdown on the ward at about 4am on the Sunday morning - I was in absolute pieces, crying my eyes out, I couldn't talk, I was a mess, just walking around the labour ward totally distraught with a screaming baby, desperate to find someone to just make him stop crying. A member of staff found me and amidst my tears I just handed my baby over to her and told her to 'do something with him'. She offered to give him a cup feed of Aptamil (25mls) and as I agreed to it I felt like a complete and utter failure as a mother. I still cry now when I think about it.

For the duration of Sunday I just didn't stop crying, I felt like I was a terrible mother because I couldn't breast feed, I felt like I'd let my boy down, my husband down and that I was just useless. It was really, really awful. The doctors kept telling me to give bottles, which didn't help, but at my most vulnerable/desperate point I agreed to it - and as I watched the midwife feed my baby I just broke down again.

I spent all of Sunday in tears and like I said, if I even think about what I did (handing him over to the staff because I couldn't cope with his frustration and screaming) I cry. The staff were really supportive when I explained how I felt and they all said I was being too harsh on myself: they said that it was understandable that I'd hit 'breaking point' as I was in a lot of pain from the CS (I had been refusing strong pain relief because I thought it was affecting my baby), I'd had less than 6 hours sleep in 2 days, I was worried about my baby's health and that I was naturally very hormonal in ways most women are after birth. But in my head I can't forgive myself or justify what I did.

We came home on the Sunday night though with the general idea that we would switch to Formula and I felt pretty awful. I was in tears on the journey home. However, when we actually got home I realised that I wasn't ready to give up yet and with the AMAZING support of my husband we managed to turn a corner. We haven't used formula at all since coming home and baby is hopefully heading in the right direction. The Midwife is visiting tomorrow to re-weigh him and I'm praying his weight will be on the increase, I will feel so, so disheartened if not because I know it means I will still have failed.

I'm still having some problems with him latching on - my nipples are so, so sore but I'm determined to persevere. I have just spoken to my local Health Visiting Team and they have given me a number of the Breast Feeding Support Home Visiting Team so I'm going to call them and arrange a visit. After such a horrible start to BF I just need someone to tell me that what I'm doing is right.

I'm sorry this is so long - I don't even know what the point of it was really. I think I just needed to get it off my chest.

Hi Writer, I just wanted to check in to see how you're doing?

We're more or less in the same boat. My LO has taken all his feeds from the breast since Tuesday now and I haven't cried since then either.

He is still fussing and resisting every single time and latching can be a battle but so far he's gone on each time after some persistence.

Its so hard and I really thought it would be easier by now but we're taking it one feed at a time.

I'm dreading DH going back to work next week

I don't think it's very nice when someone asks for breastfeeding support to say "give up, it's pointless anyway." I appreciate he may not have meant it to come across like that and he is obviously feeling defensive of his wife, which is fine, but I don't think a new mum who is trying her hardest really needs to hear it.

I got to the point where I never mentioned any breastfeeding problems I had to anyone, because people would just say "you could just switch to bottles…" Yeah, but I was asking for support. If I say I'm having a problem at work, do you think it's helpful to say "maybe you should quit your job?"

Sillylass, I am aware that posts are read by many people unconnected with the original question. I was justified in pointing out that BreakingDad's suggestion that the OP really did not need to be upset as research had shown no difference between bf/ff was a misreading of the research. I wanted to do this, so others were not misled, or at least understood that it was not the last word on the topic.

I said it was not appropriate to go into details ie it was not appropriate to go into details of why the research was not as he had interpreted it....if you read my post you will see this is what I meant, and not that it was inappropriate to cite the study.

Hope this clears it up. Have no idea what you mean by 'supercillious' and I happen to think it's not very 'nice' to suggest someone wanting help with breastfeeding and clearly determined to do it, is wasting her time and making a fuss over nothing. I accept BD was trying to be kind, though.

you know what it really pees me off that formula feeders feel breastfeeders are the cause of all their guilt, that we're putting the pressure on. for a start i hate the whole sides thing but secondly the majority of babies are formula fed in this country, we're outnumbered and as most formula feeders point out the support just isn't there. doctors, midwives and HVs all push for bottles so they don't have to support and can measure responses.

I'm also peed off that men who are allowed to be lazy are quoted as a reason to not breastfeed! my OH has a good bond with his sons who he didn't bring up. people need to stop excusing lazy dads, blaming it on the mothers ad tell their dad friends to get his finger out and raise his own baby

Agree 100% confuddled.

I hate the sides thing too. Obviously most of my mates bottle feed and I never said anything to them but what a good job they were doing (and I mean it) and if people have ever made guilty-noises at me about how they tried to breastfeed but couldn't, or whatever, all I ever say is that I was really lucky and well supported and I think this country makes it hard to. I really don't know where this "breastfeeding peer pressure" is supposed to be coming from given over half of women have stopped breastfeeding after a week!!

The dads who do fuck all other childcare but shock-horror want to bottle-feed piss me off too. Mostly it seems they do it as a novelty and then mum does the vast majority anyway, and she might have had an easier time of it if she hadn't been railroaded into giving up breastfeeding for him (not initially as bf is very time-intensive, but further down the line when it's free and easy).

(Obviously there are also dads who help out with many things including bottle-feeding/supporting breastfeeding, and that's different and as it should be - though I don't think this is so much impressive as should be the norm for your own child!)

Now I am de-railing too. Sigh. Sorry.

Here's hoping for a better night for you! You are doing really well. Can you snatch some sleep in the day if the nights are relentless? Maybe get DH to take baby for a walk - generally babies love pushchairs/slings!

Don't forget to eat!

And drink loads too, I always found ds to be more fussy when I wasnt eating or drinking enough.

I should point out that all my babies have been formula fed to an extent, my youngest (and interestingly my sickest) baby was formula fed from about 4 months. I'm not and will never knock formula feeders but I will knock excuses and lazy dads (not to mention lazy grandparents!)

Anyway, well done Writerwannabe83! It's the little milestones that make all the difference I found, celebrate each little victory and hold onto it until the next one. You will get there. It won't be long until you don't even think about it, you hoik it out and stick him on, then you look back and wonder why you were ever worried (until next baby when you remember!) My 4 babies were born between 29 and 35 weeks, all breastfed well and other than the youngest they all fed for a long time.

I don't think I know a single mother (and I go to quite a lot of baby/toddler groups and we do talk about it, openly and with a lot less judgement than is generally found online) who decided to ff before their baby was born. I know mums who couldn't because of previous chemotherapy/mastectomy issues; I know a mum who has adopted and therefore had no choice; but the vast majority either gritted their teeth and worked it out for themselves or had so little support that they felt they had no option but to either starve their baby or formula feed (I doubt that they actually would have starved the baby by continuing, that's just how they felt iyswim. Sorry, it's late and I'm just in from work so may be wording things clunkily). Any discussion I had with my hv resulted in her suggesting formula top ups, even though formula contains fewer calories than breastmilk and actually feeding more often, and normalising the continuousness of early feeding, seems to be the answer to the majority of feeding problems in the early days. Ds was weighed weekly to start with (clinic and bf group are on the same day in the same place) and I felt I had to justify every single time I had him weighed why he was "only" on the 0.4th centile - baby is alert, happy and has appropriate nappies and my partner and I are both 5'4" - we were never going to produce a whopper of a 99th centile baby. My friend who's ebf baby was (and still is) 99th centile was told to cut down feeds

There is a lot of antenatal support for breastfeeding, but the lack of postnatal support in the first week(s) removes choice for so many parents

Sorry, rant

Currently in the middle of a nightmare - baby has been either feeding or screaming for 3 hours now. He has had 3 feeding sessions, two of them lasting 30 minutes and the other lasting almost an hour. He is so unsettled at night compared to 'perfect baby' during the day - I don't understand it.

I have been struggling to latch onto my left breast again today so by late evening it was rock hard, lumpy and impossible to latch on to. I managed to massage the lumps and drain some milk by hand and I have since expressed over 60mls by pump which has made me feel so much better. Baby has since fed on the left breast too.

I definitely feel better now I know he's gained weight but the whole thing is so unbelievably mentally and physically draining. I had more tears tonight because I couldn't get him to attach but I think it was down to being shattered - I still kept telling my husband that I was a failure and couldn't do it etc and gave a few "I can't even feed my baby properly" comments which he found hard to hear. He said it really upsets him to see me cry and be so hard on myself.

Baby is currently asleep on my chest - I'm absolutely shattered but too scared to put him down in case he wakes and the cycle starts all over again.....

You are doing a brilliant job and sounds like you and your little dude are getting the hang of things even if it feels like one step forward and two back.

This all sounds normal with the inconsistent feeds. Babies are inconsistent in general - they like keeping us on our toes! Take the rough with smooth, and expect to be tired and up at night. He will get it. In a few dats things will feel vastly different to now. You've been through a huge huge change. Pregnancy doesn't prepare you emotionally for a baby and all that comes with them. Everyone tells you about sleepless nights etc but no one explains how emotionally draining it is too. Constantly questioning whether you're doing the right/best/proper thing, dealing with healing a fanjo, leaky boobs, a new dynamic in your relationship with DH and a tiny creature who is a complete mystery who you feel responsible for like nothing you've ever known on the planet. It's a fucking hard transition.

It was all so different to what I'd imagined. So take it slowly and gently. Your 'job' at the moment is to nurture that baby and nothing else. Nurturing may take many forms and you need to take time to figure out what that means for all of you. It will come in time but its oh so daunting without an instruction manual. Remember that you're not expected to get any of it right, you are learning still.

Funnily enough the best advice I ever got was from my dad - he said "ahh you'll find your way of muddling through" and he was so so right. Do what you need to do to get through the day, there is no right or wrong answer.

I gave myself 6 weeks and said if it was still difficult then if stop. By week 3 it was all pretty much fine.

Bf babies feed irregularly - sometimes they want a snack, sometimes a 3 course meal. His little body has a lot of new stuff to get used to and crying is the only way he knows how to communicate... I remember so clearly how my pulse used to race when dd started crying. But once I accepted that I was supposed to get anxious and het up when she cried (we're biologically linked after all) along with tingly boobs at feed times/crying it all started to make a bit more sense.

I hope you have a good night with your ds tonight. Bit dont worry if you don't. Rough with the smooth remember

Thank you for that supportive post.

I managed to get him down but 35 minutes later he woke up screaming and now he's back on the breast again. I'm exhausted

I just told my DH to put some dummies in the Steriliser - I was adamant I wouldn't use them but me and DH just don't know what to do anymore. How can we keep listening to him scream for hours on end?

I have a feeling that when he next wakes up I'm just going to give him that 60mls I expressed via a bottle. I know this isn't recommended but I just can't sit up for hours on end with him at the breast - I'm close to breaking point with tiredness. We are only getting about 3-4 hours broken sleep every night and it's killing us

Am hoping ypu are asleep right now!

Are you managing to gt any sleep durign the day? Your baby has day dn night muddled, this will sort itslef out in the mewntiem sleep whenever you can.

Also its very early days but have you tried feeding laying down? Or thought abotu safe co-sleepong? Look up te who guidlines.

If you want to give him a feed in a bottle then one feed wont hirt. Jist remember he is still learnign as are you, its very early days but the weight gain shows yoi are dojgn great!

Take it a feed at a time. It does get easier.

Aw hun, I remember those first few weeks well. Nothing can prepare you for it. I just found where I used to write when my dd fed (pasted below) and which boob as you can see it's quite a lot. Not suggesting you do this (I'm quite obsessive!) just will show you that feeding as much as you are is totally normal. Sounds like he's been having some good long feeds though! You're doing great well done, you should be proud of yourself xxxxx
26th November (8 days old!)
01.00 25 mins left
01.40 10 mins left
02.00 10 mins right
02.55 5 mins right
05.00 10 mins left
08.30 10 mins right
10.45 10 mins left
12.25 15 mins right
15.05 10 mins left
16.05 5 mins left
17.00 10 mins right
19.05 10 mins left
21.25 15 mins right
23.15 30 mins right

Ps - give him the bottle of ebm if you want. You're mummy and you know him best :) hope you're asleep! Xx

Sadly not asleep He went to sleep for an hour then woke screaming - surprise, surprise he's now feeding again. I also keep a list Sue of his feeding pattern so you're not the only obsessive. He has about 11-12 over a 24 hour period with usually only 5 of them being in normal daytime hours. Trying to sleep in the day has been difficult due to having descending visitors - we are meant to be having another three visitors coming at 11am today. I think as soon as a reasonable time comes I'm going to text them and rebook - the thought of having to entertain people in 8 hours time does not appeal. I'm anticipating being up every hour at this rate. CS scar is really hurting at the moment too - feeling pretty sorry for myself.

Agree it is normal for them to be unsettled at night but it's worth looking at his sleep environment anyway to see if you can make improvements.

What is he sleeping in? A hot water bottle left on his mattress when you pick him up to feed will keep his bed toasty ready for him. Alternatively sit on his mattress whilst you feed him?

Have you tried swaddling him? You can keep him swaddled whilst he feeds so he isn't experiencing a temp change as you put him down. Most babies seem to like swaddling. I use little cellular Moses blankets to wrap them up in.

White noise app? Again, lots of babies like these. You can get ones that sound like the noises he heard in the womb.

Hope you get some sleep. It is rotten when you're recovering from birth and are getting so little sleep. I have nearly finished filling each of my DS's five bellies so shall be attempting the same!

Agree it is normal for them to be unsettled at night but it's worth looking at his sleep environment anyway to see if you can make improvements.

What is he sleeping in? A hot water bottle left on his mattress when you pick him up to feed will keep his bed toasty ready for him. Alternatively sit on his mattress whilst you feed him?

Have you tried swaddling him? You can keep him swaddled whilst he feeds so he isn't experiencing a temp change as you put him down. Most babies seem to like swaddling. I use little cellular Moses blankets to wrap them up in.

White noise app? Again, lots of babies like these. You can get ones that sound like the noises he heard in the womb.

Hope you get some sleep. It is rotten when you're recovering from birth and are getting so little sleep. I have nearly finished filling each of my DS's five bellies so shall be attempting the same!

Babies deliberately (although of course don't realise it!) feed through the night, it's an amazing little machine the nursing dyad. You produce more prolactin at night which means best milk then, they feed more then to make you produce more. It also stops them from going into a proper deep sleep where they are greater risk of forgetting to breathe.

It is very early days and it will settle, until 6 weeks (CGA, sorry) just do whatever it takes to get through this feed and things will settle down.

Also look into safe bedsharing, it means that neither you nor baby has to fully wake so you will feel better.

Be careful with swaddling as it may not be all it is cracked up to be, a lot of official bodies are now advising against it.

You are doing amazingly, keep going. I'm feeding DD as I type, she's been feeding every 2 hours since about 4pm so I came to bed at 9pm and have been snatching zzz's between sessions.

Can your DH take the baby for an hour or two to give you a break? Have you tried letting DS suck on your little finger - DD is quite sucky so sometimes she doesn't want to feed, just suck on something. DH has taken her from me in the evening a few times so that I can go to bed for an hour or so and get some rest.

Hang on in there, it does get better - I'm only 11 days ahead of you and I'm already noticing that it's slowly getting easier.

Feeding again - but this time I got a whole 2 hour break since he last woke, I feel so spoilt!

He is feeding calmly now but was in a bit of a state at first as when my DH was changing him, he did a huge wee all over himself so had to be completely changed. Bless him.

He sleeps in a Moses basket and to be fair when I put him down after his feed he very rarely stirs. I have swaddled him in the past, I think when we had a horrendous night with him on his second night at home but it isn't something I feel comfortable about doing. The same with co-sleeping, due to my job I have come across many babies who have passed away in these circumstances and even though I fully understand why a woman would choose to do it,I just have a perspective on the matter that means that personally I never would.

That's really interesting confuddled about the Prolactin and the reason why babies wake so often in the night - it is so clever. I relayed it to my husband in the hope it may help him be more accepting and understanding of all this night time waking.

My DH has been amazing Frank - I couldn't have coped with this without his support. The birth of baby has bought out a side in him that has overwhelmed me really - he has just been amazing in every way. He always takes baby when baby is screaming and he can see I'm getting stressed but in all honesty I find that hard because everything inside me is screaming, "Your little one needs you" and I'm itching to have him in my arms. I guess it's Mother's Instinct or something

Feeding lots at night is exactly what babies are programmed to do in the early days so this is all normal. It really is a baptism of fire as a parent! Everything you're doing is right, just try to sleep whenever you can. I would definitely put off your visitors if I was you.
You've had some great support here, hope it helps. Nothing prepares you for these early exhausting days. And your body is also healing from major surgery remember.
Please please don't tell yourself that you're a failure, you are nothing of the sort. This is all normal, your baby crying does not make you a failure. You are his whole world at the moment, quite the opposite to a failure. Xx

Oh and I also wrote down every feed for weeks, I was obsessive! I would look for patterns that weren't there, desperate to find some order in the chaos. There wasn't any and I eventually gave up looking. And then one day I realised there was and I hadn't even noticed it sneaking in. x

Btw only change nappy at night if it has poo in it, the nappies are really absorbent (disposable ones) so they can cope with lots of wee. I notice you say he got really upset at changing, normal but another reason to only change it at night if it has poo in.

Swaddling can be fab but if you do it you must be careful to keep legs in froggy position and not swaddled the hips tightly. I used a big muslin cloth to swaddle my dd as it is nice and thin and I didn't worry about her overheating so much.

Hot water bottle to warm Moses basket and maybe put something that smells of you in there, all good tricks to try.

And DEF CANCEL visitors and try and get some sleep. They can wait or you/your dh must be strict and say shot visits as you are tired and getting to grips with feeding etc.

Well done you are doing really well.