Is it normal to be so emotional about breast feeding?

[Writerwannabe83]

Hello everyone. This is my first post on the Feeding Forum and looking for some kind words and reassurance please.

I had my baby by ELCS last Friday and was kept in hospital until late Sunday night. Trying to establish BF was extremely difficult in that baby was very lethargic, vomiting after every feed and very difficult to attach. I was lucky if he was feeding once every 6 hours. He had to be seen by the Neonatal team 3 times because of concerns - he ultimately lost over 8% of his body weight within 48 hours and suffered premature jaundice.

I got very upset and disheartened by my BF difficulties and had a complete breakdown on the ward at about 4am on the Sunday morning - I was in absolute pieces, crying my eyes out, I couldn't talk, I was a mess, just walking around the labour ward totally distraught with a screaming baby, desperate to find someone to just make him stop crying. A member of staff found me and amidst my tears I just handed my baby over to her and told her to 'do something with him'. She offered to give him a cup feed of Aptamil (25mls) and as I agreed to it I felt like a complete and utter failure as a mother. I still cry now when I think about it.

For the duration of Sunday I just didn't stop crying, I felt like I was a terrible mother because I couldn't breast feed, I felt like I'd let my boy down, my husband down and that I was just useless. It was really, really awful. The doctors kept telling me to give bottles, which didn't help, but at my most vulnerable/desperate point I agreed to it - and as I watched the midwife feed my baby I just broke down again.

I spent all of Sunday in tears and like I said, if I even think about what I did (handing him over to the staff because I couldn't cope with his frustration and screaming) I cry. The staff were really supportive when I explained how I felt and they all said I was being too harsh on myself: they said that it was understandable that I'd hit 'breaking point' as I was in a lot of pain from the CS (I had been refusing strong pain relief because I thought it was affecting my baby), I'd had less than 6 hours sleep in 2 days, I was worried about my baby's health and that I was naturally very hormonal in ways most women are after birth. But in my head I can't forgive myself or justify what I did.

We came home on the Sunday night though with the general idea that we would switch to Formula and I felt pretty awful. I was in tears on the journey home. However, when we actually got home I realised that I wasn't ready to give up yet and with the AMAZING support of my husband we managed to turn a corner. We haven't used formula at all since coming home and baby is hopefully heading in the right direction. The Midwife is visiting tomorrow to re-weigh him and I'm praying his weight will be on the increase, I will feel so, so disheartened if not because I know it means I will still have failed.

I'm still having some problems with him latching on - my nipples are so, so sore but I'm determined to persevere. I have just spoken to my local Health Visiting Team and they have given me a number of the Breast Feeding Support Home Visiting Team so I'm going to call them and arrange a visit. After such a horrible start to BF I just need someone to tell me that what I'm doing is right.

I'm sorry this is so long - I don't even know what the point of it was really. I think I just needed to get it off my chest.

Also posting with support. DD is 16 days old and breast feeding has been incredibly hard. I have one badly cracked nipple due to initial poor latch, which the midwives didn't spot it was only picked up by a lactation consultant at a BF support group I went to when DD was 10 days old. I'm getting through the pain with lots of paracetamol and ibuprofen, Lansinoh, regular breast pas changes and a saline wash as recommended on KellyMom. It's slowly getting better.

The hormone crash hit me hard too,the day we left the hospital and I've had some bad news (non baby related) since which has made things harder, but we're getting there. One feed and one day at a time.

Hello everyone - thank you so much for your replies. You are all so lovely and supportive.

I've still had tears yesterday, last night and this morning over how difficult I'm finding it. My DH is being absolutely amazing and telling me how well I'm doing etc but all I feel like is that I'm failing. He's at my breast, screaming because he can't latch on and I feel like absolute shit and just start crying.

We had a really bad night last night - I have convinced myself that I'm basically starving him and that everything I'm doing is wrong. He seems to be feeding really regularly and in my eyes it's because he's just not getting anything from me so is constantly hungry. At one point last night when I was in bits I told my DH to go and make a bottle but by the time he returned from the kitchen I'd managed to attach baby. The problem I'm having is that he tends to nipple feed, he just won't keep his mouth open wide enough - and as a previous poster said, I tend to let him feed like that whilst I'm in agony because in my mind I'm thinking, "At least he's getting something". I try time and time again to detach and reattach but all it leads to is him getting annoyed with me and screaming and then I'm in tears again. It's just a complete feeling of hopelessness and failure. his next feed is due in 45 minutes and I'm dreading it - I feel like my baby hates me when he's screaming at me.

He's having loads of wet and dirty nappies which I know is a good sign but when I have all this self doubt/feelings of being crap, I just can't see any positives. I don't understand how some women find it so easy yet I just can't do it.

I'm using Linosoh cream religiously and it is helping and I'm hand expressing when I feel my breasts getting hard (as I think they are too hard for him to latch onto) but I feel like everything I do is wrong.

I'm still waiting for the midwife to come round and re-check his weight - I know that if he's lost more weight I will be distraught and so upset with myself. I'm dreading it - sat here crying just thinking about it :(

I totally second taking it one feed, one day at a time.

Hello writer,

Congratulations on your new baby!

You say your baby is having loads of wet and dirty nappies, love -- this is absolutely brilliant. Honestly. It's the best sign there is and it proves that you CAN do it.

I so understand that feeling of 'my baby hates me' and 'he/she isn't getting enough from me', and I want you to know that almost every first-time breastfeeding mother feels this way. Breastfeeding's really tricky at the start, it takes so much practice and time. The fact that he fed relentlessly all night is really a good sign. Babies do this kind of frantic feeding at around the age your little DS is right now. I feel so angry that women are not told just how often their babies will want to breastfeed and instead feel like something is wrong.

Things will get better. Latching on is the toughest part for many babies and mothers at this stage. It all feels like such a battle and you almost wonder what the point is when you could stick a bottle in their mouths instead. Do try to look after your nipples as much as possible. If you can lie in a warm bed on your side with your top off and your DS in just his nappy, this might relax him and make latching easier. Not sure if this is possible with your scar though.

You're doing GREAT and once again, YES, it is completely normal to feel this emotional.

mrsmugoo I hope things are easier for you today?

Hi wannabe,
I cried my eyes out when a midwife gave my baby his first feed in a bottle - they kept asking me what I wanted but my DS kept screaming and arching away from my boob so I didn't feel like a had a choice. He just didn't seem to be able to feed and the frustration of it seemed to make him scream.

After we came home I contacted a La Leche Leage lactation consultant and she diagnosed a tongue tie, has anyone checked for this? My DS didn't seem to be able to open his mouth enough either.

I ended up expressing for 6 weeks and then after his tongue tie was clipped he gradually learned how to breastfeed and still took some bottles, so don't panic, there's not a date where he has to master it or else it won't happen.

All those nappies are a good sign so you're doing really well!

Greenstone Yes we're having a much better time of it. I saw a midwife yesterday who gave me a couple of technique tips and he seems to be feeding fully back at the breast now which has made both of us feel better - him satiated and not windy, me properly drained and comfortable.

We're taking it one feed at a time and are do greatful for all the support we've been getting.

Writer\ whereabouts in the country are you? Someone might be able to recommend a support group or lactation consultant in your local area to help you out. When I saw the LC at my local group she said that, unfortunately, a lot of midwives aren't given enough training to provide new mums with the right support/advice. I was a case in point, the midwives told me my latch was great but it resulted in my cracked nipple and it was only when the LC helped me out that we actually got a correct latch.

It might be worth considering paying for a private LC to do a home visit with you. If it will help your confidence and make you feel better it us money well spent.

I'm in Hinckley, Leicestershire. I have looked online but there doesn't seem to be much information about Community Support - I will definitely be asking the midwife about it when she arrives. The 11.30am feed didn't go too well and I sat there in tears for a part of it - it's just wearing me down. I had to wake him for his feed (4 hours since his last one) and he didn't show much interest - I'm convinced he is dehydrated and just doesn't have the energy to feed because I'm not giving him what he needs

Oh sweetie, I'm with you. I felt exactly the same just a few days ago If there are wet nappies then he is not dehydrated. Have you tried expressing into a little cup and letting him sip from it? Newborns do like to sleep for long periods of time, so try not to stress too much about that aspect.

I've found these websites really helpful over the last. 2 weeks:

www.kellymom.com

www.breastfeedingbasics.com

I found this list of registered LC's in your county, why not call/email a few of them to see if they can help. They may run private groups that you can go along yo.

LEICESTERSHIRE.

Name: Andrene Alejandro
Area covered: Derby
IBCLC qualification: 2009 - 2014
Services: PNV
Tel: 01332 863720 or 07949 8305713
Email: [email protected]

Name: Yvonne Bailey
Area covered: Derby, Leicester and Nottingham
IBCLC qualification: 2011 - 2016
Services: P
Tel: 07903 206018
Email: [email protected]
Website: www.confidentmotherdoulas.co.uk

Name: Suzanne Barber
Area covered: Leicestershire
IBCLC qualification: 2010 - 2015
Services: PN
Tel: 07547 897876
Email: [email protected]
Website: www.suzannelc.co.uk

Name: Sally Etheridge
Area covered: Leicester, Leicestershire, Rutland
IBCLC qualification: 2008 - 2018
Services: PV
Tel: 0116 2418941 or 07580 159278
Email: [email protected]

Name: Isabel Jordan
Area covered: Leicester, , the borders of Nottinghamshire, Derbyshire, Northamptonshire and Warwickshire
IBCLC qualification: 2013 - 2018
Services: PV
Tel: 0116 2127166 or 07906 040476
Email: [email protected]

Name: Denise Pemberton
Area covered: Derbyshire, Leicestershire and Nottinghamshire
IBCLC qualification: 2009 - 2014
Services: PV
Tel: 07717 068645
Email: [email protected]
Website: www.feedingbaby.co.uk

That list is from this website: www.lcgb.org/consultants_local.html

I found it very very difficult in the begining, ds4 had many cups of formula in the first week. I dont feel guilty, i think i would have given up if it wasnt for the occasional bit of formula.

Everything you are feeling is normal, it seems you have turned a corner and hopefully it will get easier from here on in.

Ds4 is now 13 months, still bf. Im now having difficulty trying to cut the bf down

Sorry for some reason the last page didnt up load.

We had weeks and weeks of it being really difficult, I also expressed in the begining and gave in a cup if we were having difficulty latching during a feed.

Dont feel like you are failing, it takes longer with some babies than others.

I've had to wake both mine to feed. Newborns do not like to be woken and will fight you on this one IME.

I found I had to strip them off to their nappies and dab at their heads with cold water on kitchen towel. Gently pulling on his ears and tickling his feet will help with waking to feed too.

You'll get there. You are both learning a new motor skill. It takes time but just like learning to drive or swim or whatever it will suddenly start to click into place.

BTW I also had to use nipple shields with both of mine to start with as they wouldn't open their mouths wide enough in the first few weeks and I was so sore. Maybe talk to midwife about whether this would help you?

He doesn't hate you. How could he hate the person who has loved and nurtured him for 9 months already?

Aw, it's hard.

I would second the fact that you need some real life support, from someone who really knows about bfing (a MW might know lots, or fairly little). Particularly to try and sort out latch and check for tongue tie.

I'm a bit confused too that you are talking about 'due' the next feed and 'the 11.30am feed'. Is that just because you're having to wake him to feed because he's not that interested (not sure if you meant that was just this time, or generally), or are you trying to feed him to a timetable? I'd have thought that, if you are waking for a feed, during the day experts normally suggested a lot more than four hourly for a newborn who had lost a lot of weight (though I'm no expert).

This might help Writer, it looks like there is a BF support group in Hinckley every Wednesday: www.babydolly.co.uk/breastfeeding.htm#cafes

Thanks everyone for your continued replies - they are helping so much.

penguins - we aren't feeding to a timetable but the Midwife told me to ensure he went no longer than 4 hours between feeds. When I said the 11.30am feed I just meant that was the 4 hour 'time limit' since he'd fed at 07.30am. I had to wake him for his 11.30am feed but it's the first one where I've had to resort to that: he normally wakes every 2.5/3 hourly for a feed. He had another feed just before 3pm which went a little bit better but I was still crying for short periods. With all the fighting that goes on in terms of trying to get him to attach he seems too knackered to feed even before he starts.

Can I ask what other people's experiences are in terms of how long their baby stays at the breast?

Thank you very much frank for all your links and information - when DH comes home later we will have a good look at it all and make a plan

ps) The midwife didn't turn up today so I have no idea what baby weighs - I was relying on being told he'd had a good weight gain to make me feel more confident

Have you heard from midwife as to why she didn't turn up? Chase them up first thing tomorrow.

DD started out feeding for about 10-15 minutes at a time but now we're up to as long as an hour, switching boobs as and when needed.

Hope the links help you out.

Hi Writer,
There is a wide variation in how long babies take to feed, and short feeds are not necessarily an issue (my DS2 generally fed for 5, maybe 10 minutes at that age), but you are also right that some babies can get so tired that they don't feed as much as they should. But if you are getting lots of wet and dirty nappies, that is the best sign that all as it should be, hopefully confirmed by his weight when you see the mw.

I found these support groups in or near Hinckley if that might be useful to you, although it might be worth phoning up before you go to one, just to confirm the information on the page is up to date.

I tried calling the Community Midwife Office at 17.25pm but it was just an automated message saying nobody was in the office. There was no answering machine service so I couldn't leave a message either. I guess I will just have to try again tomorrow.

The good news is that he just had a good feed off me, probably the first feed I have given in a while where I didn't cry and felt it went really well.

He typically feeds for 20 minutes but when things aren't going well and he gets fractious it can go on for much longer and ends up being switched from breast to breast in my desperation to try and get him to attach to one of them.

Nighttime is approaching which is always the worst in terms of him waking lots for feeds - I'm already dreading it.

Ds would feed for an hour or so when newborn - he also was so tired from wriggling and fighting that I don't think he fed very effectively at first. I remember that sinking dread as night approached - you feel so alone and it's endless and the feeding is relentless. It's such hard work. It did get rapidly better - the worst night of all hit at two weeks (growth spurt time, I think, also just as dh went back to work!!) After I got through that, things improved and kept on improving until it was blissfully easy!

I remember switching a lot trying to get good attachment, ds just couldn't get the hang of it for the first week. Has your milk come in properly yet? Once it started flowing, that helped.

Nights are the worst for emotions and feeling helpless. I used to remind myself that there are hundreds of other new mums out there all feeding/trying to get babies back to sleep in the small hours the same as me. It did help.

Bfing is hard work. In the early weeks 2-4 it can feel like you are doing nothing but feed feed feed.

I found the NCT bf helpline very good.

Yup. peanutpatty is right. There are always people on here feeding through the night!