I'm not taking to bf like I thought I would and I am feeling very guilty

[Chloe55]

Having a bit of a moral dilemma. I am currently bf and after a bad start it is going pretty well now - thing is I am so not enjoying the bf experience but it is not because it is uncomfortable or what not I just don't get the 'bonding' thing that is meant to be happening. I am also a little bit resentful about being constantly used as a milking machine - God, that sounds absolutely awful and I realise that as I am writing this. What I mean by it is that ds is a big boy and it seems whenever he is awake he is looking for a nipple to latch onto, it can be literally every 20mins sometimes, other times he'll sleep for a couple of hours but never much more. I'm pretty sure I am producing enough milk as he literally falls off the boob when he has had enough and it is dribbling out of his mouth. I just feel a bit like I can't have any time to myself because I am always in demand. I understand that this is the role of the mother etc etc but I am just getting a bit bogged down with it all.

Thing is I know breast is best and would like to continue to give him my milk but I am seriously thinking about switching him to the bottle. Does anyone know whether it would be possible to express enough milk for him to go on the bottle? Have spoken to mum about it today and she is behind me 100% if that is my decision as she says that I need to be happy with things too but I know DH and particularly his family will seriously frown upon me giving up giving breast. I know he is our baby and it is our decision but not sure if I'm strong enough at the moment to take the comments or looks I might get.

Oh I just don't know what to do. I feel so guilty because there are so many women who want to bf and can't and there's me wanting to jack it in when I have no medical need to. Sorry for the essay, just don't know what to do. Don't know if I am jeapadising my son's health for my convenience

Oh, ds is only 13 days old.

Aw, chloe...it is such early days. You don't have to make any decision for or against breastfeeding at the moment.

Think about whether or why switching to the bottle would help with this feeling of not having any time to yourself. Your baby may not sleep any better (and may sleep worse). He is more likely to be ill in his first year (and beyond) and that means time at the doctor's etc etc. The feeling of being bogged down is common to all mothers at some time.

People do express and give solely breastmilk in a bottle, but it is something that's hard to keep up and most people only do it if they have to.

The occasional expressed bottle is something else - that's dead handy and expressing is a useful skill for anyone. Expressing in these very early days may not be a breeze and skipping feeds while the baby gets expressed can mean very uncomfortable breasts.....so maybe think of this as an option to try in a couple of weeks.

It doesn't really sound that it's your 'convenience' that lies at the heart of your feelings, more your confusion and your feelings of being overwwhelmed.

Leave it a couple of days, and then think again when you are not so down.

You are not, by the way, a 'miling machine' :) You are a normal, loving mum who's providing the very best in comfort, food and drink for your little boy. Nothing machine-like about that!!

Tricky one, as breastfeeding is best for the baby, but you also have to find something that you are happy with as well. Don't have any experience with 100% expressing, so can't give you any advice there, but would you feel happier if you could express enough for 1 or 2 bottles a day? That may give you a bit of a break.

Also, I'm assuming ds is your first, it is a MASSIVE shock when you're suddenly permanently at someones beck & call 24/7. It does get easier, honest. It took me at least 4 weeks to get the hang of breastfeeding comfortably, but then I found it much easier than faffing around with bottles all the time and as your ds gets older you will find the gaps between the feeds get bigger.

Hope this helps, and well done for breastfeeding for the first 2 weeks.

x-posts with tiktok - who said it so much better

I totally understand, I hated the feeling of always being in demand and clung to. I still hate it, if either of my kids is clingy.

Expressing and giving a bottle all the time would take more time and be more hassle, from what I know.

As tiktok says, if you can give it a little while, you may well find it gets quite a bit easier. Do you have help during the day? Can your mum, or someone else, take your DS out for a stroll for a couple of hours? Lots of babies sleep well in a moving pram.

(More sleep would probably help your mood. Are you co-sleeping? Is that an option for you? I found that was the best way to get loads of sleep with a tiny baby.)

The bonding thing, in my experience, takes time. I don't think I was properly bonded to DS1 until he was a few months old. Frankly, the first six weeks really sucks, no matter what you do, at least in my experience. It's something to be endured, rather than enjoyed.

Please don't feel guilty. Whatever works for you and your baby is the right choice for you. And you've given him a good start.

Are you sure bottles will help though? The things you are finding difficult are hard to deal with, I know. He's only two weeks old so he won't sleep for long periods however you feed him. His tummy is tiny, he's growing incredibly fast and needs to feed often. Bottles won't help him sleep longer, AFAIK.

Babies change so fast, the speed is bewildering, but he will start to sleep for longer periods soon anyway, whatever you do.

I know that new baby period hits you like a ton of bricks - remember it well - but it really does last for such a short period of time in retrospect. That's probably a really irritating thing to hear, but it is true, honest.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do. How you feed your baby feels like an incredibly big decision when they are that tiny, but in a few years time it will seem so much less important! There are so many other things people will try to make you feel guilty about in the years ahead...

Thanks TicToc, I must admit I have been feeling a bit like this for a few days, I guess it isn't really helping that he is full of cold so he is therefore not feeding as efficiently as he did in his first week, I get so frustrated with myself for feeling this way but didn't actually realise how it was affecting me until I have written it down and I am now sobbing because I feel so shitty about not wanting to carry on. I no doubt will continue to bf as I know it is the right thing to do and I just hope that you are right and that I might start feeling a bit better about the whole thing in a few days but I just don't think I will and it annoys me that I am feeling reluctant to persevere.

Being a mum sucks sometimes. Please don't feel guilty.

Are you feeling generally ok? Any chance this is the baby blues or similar?

Oh, Chloe, I'm so sorry you're feeling like this.

I agree with all Tiktok says.

It is hard in the early days, but it's hard whether you're breast or bottlefeeding because it's all new and overwhelming at times.

Tell you what, how about you make a deal with yourself to see how you feel each Saturday and see if you can get to the next one? Or if a week is too long, do it every two days. And promise yourself that you won't give up in the middle of the night because it's hardest then and easiest to give in.

Can you feed him right up and get your DH to take him out in the car? Chances are he'll sleep for a couple of hours a few times? You can have a long bath and a nap and you may well feel better after that.

Make sure you have lots of good magazines/films to watch, the phone by your side and some nice things to eat and drink and nest on the sofa feeding DS for an afternoon maybe?

The early weeks are the hardest but it does all settle down and you'll get more into a rhythm of it. Good luck and keep posting x x x

Chloe, my experience was a bit different from yours, but when I was struggling with b/f what kept me going was just thinking about the next feed, rather than looking too far ahead. I kept thinking 'if this doesn't get better tomorrow, I'll switch to bottles' and ended up feeding for seven months! Maybe it might help if you just look one step ahead, rather than longer-term?

Having a new baby is all-consuming. Nothing really prepares you for it, does it? I just don't know whether all that faffing around sterilising bottles would actually make it any easier....

Soz, took so long to write that post I never thanked the rest of you for your replies! I don't think I do have baby blues as I seem really happy with everything else - I love our cuddles and bath time but I just don't look forward to feeding, I'd even rather change nappies It seems the past few days I have been making excuses for reasons as to why I want to stop bf but when it boils down to it I think it is because...in fact I just don't know, I can't explain it - does that make any sense at all?

13 days old is soooo early. I remember at that point I felt as if ds had been around forever - it was so hard to remember what life was like before he was born.

But it's just 13 days. It is bloody hard work for the first few weeks, but soon the feeds start spreading out and get faster and everything else begins to fall into place.

Hang in there

You poor thing - it's terribly confusing when you are already sleep deprived, hormonal and dealing with all the other changes that have occurred literally overnight. My sister bf until her boys were 22 months and 18 mths, so figured I would do the same - seemed the best thing. DS1 came along and threw all my theories out the window. For me BF was agony and after about two weeks, and him losing weight, the health visitor persuaded me to start backing up with formula. Once you start with formula, your breastmilk will start to decrease. I can remember crying hysterically the first time I had to mix the formula - felt I was feeding my DS toxic waste and my sister came out with some very insensitive and thoughtless comments too, which didn't help. I continued BF DS1 until he was 5 months, but by that point, all feeds were topped up with formula and to be honest, we were both alot happier, once I realized that formula wasn't going to kill him afterall. A happy Mum makes a happy baby ... and husband, for that matter. When DS2 came along (17 mths later), I was determined that this one would be BF longer, but that wasn't the case. BF wasn't any easier and I decided there was no point in prolonging the pain, when it was making everyone miserable. To start with, I gave him formula at bedtime (7pm) after breastfeeding and another at 10pm only, but by 3 months, when he was routined into 5 feeds a day, each time I would BF followed by a bottle - that way, I felt he was getting some of the breastmilk goodness and time to be close and filling up on formula. However, I met a mum of a 9 month old who was still BF her son and had been in a similar situation and her Health Visitor had given her the confidence and support to continue exclusively BF and wish that that had happened with me. The thing is that by the time they are 6 months, they are eating food and probably requiring only 3 feeds a day, so it's much easier.

I have to say, feeding every 20 minutes sounds rather alot, but the good thing about doing that is it means your production will increase. If you want to keep trying for a bit longer, why don't you set yourself up in your living room in front of the TV, or a good book and make it 'me' time. I used to love the excuse to chill out and watch trashy TV during the day. If you don't have Sky Plus, get it - it's wonderful to be able to BF in the middle of the night, watching some program you've prerecorded.

Sorry this is so long - when I read your message, my heart went out to you. It's such a tough decision to make, but believe me, when I line up my boys alongside other children in my NCT group who were breastfed for months, you cannot tell the difference. Do what is right for you, and remember they are your boobs and not your inlaws!

hey chloe
well done for keeping it up - I know exactly how you feel as those first few days seem to consist of nothing but feeding and changing nappies. I couldn't believe how much time i spent stuffing it in one end, for it just to appear at the other!

I'm now just coming up to 4 months, and for me, the bf is now lovely. It started to settle down at around 4 weeks as both me and he got used to the whole thing, and he could go a little longer between feeds. It probably feels like you've been doing it forever, but just give it a few more days, and it will settle down! I had several days where he seemed to be constantly hungry - a feed could take an hour, then more time burping and changing, and maybe 30 mins sleep and he'd be awake again. But it is only for those first few weeks whilst they're working out what it feels like to be hungry [my theory!] and they're growing so much. At 6 weeks things really do seem to fall into place - then mine was feeding every 4 hours, with one feed in the night, and by 8 weeks was going 8 or 9 hours at night - and those early days seem a long time ago!

These are just my experiences, hope they offer some reassurance that things will get easier - whether you carry on breast feeding or switch to a bottle! Don't feel guilty or bad - it's a huge change to your life and it takes some getting used to. [I read "What Mothers Do" in the first few weeks after giving birth, which I found useful at helping me come to terms with some of these new emotions].
good luck
nibbs

Wow - I was expecting a slating from my post but you have all been so kind and reassuring, in fact so much so that I do actually feel much better. I sent DH out to buy an electric breastpump today with the intent that as soon as he got home I would start by expressing and building up a supply - I am going to put it on hold tonight and see if I can get through tomorrow. I guess I need to get out of the 'I hate this' feeling to 'I can do this'. Like you guys say though, the lack of sleep is probably nbot helping.

That age is when the sleep-deprivation gets really hard to cope with IIRC. And it's hard to nap during the day because the feeding is so relentless.

Can you get dh or a grandparent to take him out for a walk in the pram maybe while you sleep? I really wish I'd asked for that when ds was that age - it just didn't occur to me.

Chloe - I think what you're feeling is natural, and pretty common. I felt like a nork on legs for ages with ds, and I was bitterly disappointed. I had imagined this rush of motherly love as soon as I fed ds, and although I certainly bonded with him, I really didn't find that bfing enjoyable (even though it wasn't not enjoyable after the first couple of weeks IYKWIM). I just found it draining, mentally and physically. Point is, I did persevere for ds's sake (and because I'm a stubborn bugger), and I'm still bfing at 8 1/2 months. And the weird thing? I'll be so sad when he stops. I will realy really miss it. I'll enjoy sometimes being able to have a night off or a lie in, but somehow, sometime that mythical bfing bond does develop. Everyone's already said it: it is early days and life is overwhelming in the early days.
FWIW my dsis fed her dd on expressed milk for 12 weeks, so it is possible; but I know she feels sad sometimes about not bfing (though her dd was a nightmare at feeding!).
Your Mum is right - you do need also to look after yourself. You also need support from dh, not expectation - are you getting it?

chloe , it is hard in the early days so dont' beat yourself up over it. You are tired, trying to deal with the lifestyle change with the arrival of a newborn and probably not feeling either your fittest or best presented atm, let alone attending to his needs amd wanting to do your best for him. My advice is to get as much rest as you can, allow yourself to be pampered a bit by family and dh (even if just to let them take ds out for a walk or make you food for later) and set yourself short term goals as regards the feeding such as to review it again in 2 days, at the weekend and so on. Is your dh supportive of b'feeding as that can also make a huge difference to how you cope. Remember it won't always be like this

DH is back at work now, I think this is also not helping because I feel obliged to do all the nappy changing then feeding during the night as he has to go to work full time. Ds will sometimes sleep for a couple of hours during the day, it isn't 20 mins feeding all the time but I tend to use this time to clean or do little chores that need doing. I guess these things can wait, my sanity is more important but as I'm sure you can all relate it is very hard to just ignore stuff that needs to be done and go to sleep.

train yourself to ignore it

a day looking after a newborn single-handedly is far harder than a day at work - your dh needs to understand those chores aren't going to get done during the day. A few dishes can wait till he gets home to wash them .

2Happy, I think that's also my issue, the fact that bf just isn't what I was expecting - or should I say the feeling I was expecting, it's reassuring though that most of you say you felt this way and now you love bf. I kinda compared myself to SIL who fed both her children up to 2 years old and she would always say how much she loved it, I just wondered why I didn't feel this way. I realise it is early days, I hope I don't give in. If I can give up smoking then I can persevere with BF - anything is possible

Carolina - DH is very good when he is at home with helping out etc etc but money is a little tight at the moment so I have all this added pressure of him going on about me having to go back to work as soon as my stat maternity pay is up, I also think he would probably be annoyed if he came home to a messy house, not that he is a dominating ogre or anything, just that he is pretty stressed himself at work and would probably prefer not to come home to more work.

Chloe, you are doing great It is so hard in the early days, but things do settle down, feeds space themselves out and you will begin to feel normal again! You have been through a lot so give yourself a chance to get used to the newness of your situation, it is normal to feel 'bogged down' with it all ATM but you won't always feel this way.
I remember not enjoying BF at all in the beginning, I dreaded feeds and just wished there was some other way of stopping ds crying. It didn't feel like a particularly bonding experience either, like you say, I just felt like ds only wanted me for my milk! But the nice side of BF came much later for me, now he is 11mths and I actually enjoy feeds.
But it is very hard when they want feeding constantly and the demands are constantly on you. The way I looked at it was that giving bottles wouldn't be any easier - ok it would mean someone else could give the occasional feed, but 99% of the time it would be me feeding him anyway - so I would rather take the simple option!
It won't be like this forever so don't make your mind up about BF just yet. FWIW I am so glad I didn't give up because of what it was like in the early days, it's really no indication of what BF is like once the dust settles.
As CarolinaMoon says, hang on in there - you will be glad you did xx

Well done Chloe for taking breastfeeding so far, and don't feel guilty - even if you stop now, you will have given your ds an incredible start in life which lots of babies don't get.

As lots of other posters have said, the first 6 weeks is just TERRIBLE, but stick with it. It really does get better! In just a few weeks you will be getting more sleep and feeding less frequently.

I recommend expressing one feed a day (I did it at 10pm watching the news on TV) and getting your dh to do this feed. That way, you have a break and your dh gets some "bonding" time with ds.

My mum gave me one tip, to buy a really good book and just keep it for breastfeeding times. That way, each time you feed you might think "Oh good, I can find out what happens in chapter 7 now" rather than "Oh b*gger I can't believe I've got to bf again".

OMG, I sound like I am in a controlling relationship - far from it! But all you guys are right - Sod the housework, I need some me-time which means kip!

Sheesh, I never needed the excuse of a newborn baby to neglect the housework!!
Your dh is a very lucky man - but in amongst thinking about him, and thinking about ds, don't forget that you need to think about you too. I think it's kind of traditional for the working man to drag himself through the door after a long day's work to have a screaming baby hurled in their direction so that the mum can have a minute's peace! Remember, he hasn't seen the baby all day and might actually be happy to spend time with ds