I'm not taking to bf like I thought I would and I am feeling very guilty

[Chloe55]

Having a bit of a moral dilemma. I am currently bf and after a bad start it is going pretty well now - thing is I am so not enjoying the bf experience but it is not because it is uncomfortable or what not I just don't get the 'bonding' thing that is meant to be happening. I am also a little bit resentful about being constantly used as a milking machine - God, that sounds absolutely awful and I realise that as I am writing this. What I mean by it is that ds is a big boy and it seems whenever he is awake he is looking for a nipple to latch onto, it can be literally every 20mins sometimes, other times he'll sleep for a couple of hours but never much more. I'm pretty sure I am producing enough milk as he literally falls off the boob when he has had enough and it is dribbling out of his mouth. I just feel a bit like I can't have any time to myself because I am always in demand. I understand that this is the role of the mother etc etc but I am just getting a bit bogged down with it all.

Thing is I know breast is best and would like to continue to give him my milk but I am seriously thinking about switching him to the bottle. Does anyone know whether it would be possible to express enough milk for him to go on the bottle? Have spoken to mum about it today and she is behind me 100% if that is my decision as she says that I need to be happy with things too but I know DH and particularly his family will seriously frown upon me giving up giving breast. I know he is our baby and it is our decision but not sure if I'm strong enough at the moment to take the comments or looks I might get.

Oh I just don't know what to do. I feel so guilty because there are so many women who want to bf and can't and there's me wanting to jack it in when I have no medical need to. Sorry for the essay, just don't know what to do. Don't know if I am jeapadising my son's health for my convenience

Oh, ds is only 13 days old.

i hated bf as well at first and found the whole feeding on demand horrible so i switched to a routine and we were both a lot happier and i carried on for 6 months after 6 weeks i did introduce a bottle of formula for the 1030pm feed and that got dd through to 6am i know many people on here are anti routine but it worked for me and my little one and it meant i didnt give up the breast feeding and even if you do give up dont let anyone make you feel guilty you gave your baby the best start in life after all at the end of the day the choice of how to feed your baby is up to you

i never slept in the day either apart from a couple of times where we both flaked out on my bed but i was on my own and if i didnt get on with stuff i found the housework / washing / cooking fairy didnt come to my house! and it still doesnt know where i live!!

Just another thing, to bear in mind. My friend is a super-organised mum but even she would find that she would sometimes be waiting for the steriliser to finish so she could make up a bottle for a screaming dd! Her dd certainly didn't stick to a fixed amount of formula per feed or even to the same number of feeds per day so she sometimes ran out of bottles. She said she could see how bf could be more convenient. You just whip out the boob and there you are, milk on tap!

nothing like as experienced as all the other posts here but just two things - one is that you are in what IMO is the hardest period of the lot because you don't even get a smile for the incredible towering hideous unbelievable workload; and secondly that you can be in a perfectly fine relationship and still feel very self-pressured to be OK, to cope and above all not to go backwards - obviously things get better all the time, don't they? No they don't. With kids things go up and down, backwards and forwards, there is No Logic. Just because you did really well on day 2 doesn't mean you have to be doing twice as well on day 4 and 3 times as well on day 6.

And if you read parenting books at all, have you read Libby Purves' chapter on breastfeeding (how not to be a perfect mother?) she is very pro breastfeeding but that chapter was the only one I read that was anything like the experience of bf for me.

talk to your dh about housework. sounds crazy but he would probably be horrified if he found you were at the end of your tether while simultaneously trying to prevent him feeling slight annoyance at an untidy house. His baby too.

Chloe Im sorry you are feeling like this but there are many mums out there that have been through exactly what you are going through now.

I know breast is best but sometimes think that having it drummed into us from the moment we fall pregnant doesnt help at all. When I had DS1 I found it very difficult to breast feed, I was sore, tired and he was a very hungry baby. I spent the first two weeks feeling very emotional about it, I was worrying in case he wasnt getting enough, worrying that my milk wasnt satisfying him etc and I felt guilty that I wasnt enjoying the experience as much as everyone said I would. My mum was a tower of strength. I was living with her at the time and she would sit with me during the night feed to give me encouragement and listen to my fears. She would be there when I broke down in tears. She knew I wanted to continue bf as long as I could but she also made me realise that although breast is best for the baby bottle feeding doesnt do them any harm either. I carried on as long as I could but one day I spent the whole time feeding, I only got about an hour to myself without having DS1 screaming for food. Everytime I went near him he smelt the milk and had to have some. By tea time I was in agony, exhausted and knew I couldnt carry on. My mum went out and bought me some formula so I could top up his feeds, i still wanted to try breastfeeding but also needed a bit of help. i contacted my MW to inform her of my decision and she made me feel a complete failure for giving up, she basically said I didnt love my son if I gave up. No new mum wants to hear that but luckily my mum was there to support my decision and within a couple of days things had imrpoved greatly. I was still bf but offered DS1 a bottle afterwards just to be sure and it helped. I knew he was getting enough milk at every feed, i was happier and for the first time I started to really enjoy motherhood. I carried on mixing the feeds until he was 3months then after that it was formula all the time. He is now nearly 9 and is none the worse for it, he is fit and healthy.

When DS2 was born I was older and wiser. I wanted to try bf again but knew that if it didnt work out it wasnt the end of the world. At the beginning it was fine, I still didnt enjoy it that much but he was doing well. I carried on until I started to get sore, then tried expressing but once again it didnt work out. By the time he was 4 months he was bottle fed. This time when someone frowned upon what i was doing I had the confidence to tell them that it was my body/my decision. Luckily dh and his family were very supportive but even if they weren't i would have done what I felt was right. I am a better mum when I am not bf as I am happier, more relaxed and I find my babies were happier/more relaxed too.

No one knows how they will cope with breast feeding and everyone is different which is why i feel it is wrong for people to make new mums feel guilty if they cant bf for whatever reason. Giving bottle feeds does not mean you love your LO's any less. It can also allow other family members to join in, I know my dh felt a little left out when he couldnt 'do anything' for the baby (he couldnt change nappies as it made him throw up every time )Once i started on the bottles whether expressing or formula he was able to help out more.

Dont let peoples ideas of what is right or wrong cloud your judgement. Only you know exactly how you are feeling and it is only you who can decide what to do. It is your body at the end of the day, not your in-laws or your friends, do what will make you happy. You should be able to enjoy every aspect of being a new mum including the feeding and the lovely smelly nappies without feeling guilty and having a happy mum will also benefit your son.

Sorry i have waffled on a bit but having been in your situation I can understand how stressful this time can be. I hope it all works out for you whatever you decide.

Thanks for all your comments and experiences, they have been so helpful. I had a bit of a breakdown on DH last night, told him exactly how I felt. So glad I did because he wasn't really aware that I was finding things that difficult. He has told me that he will support my decision 100% but has managed to encourage me, along with you guys, to try and take each day at a time.

I attempted the co-sleeping thing last night, I found laying down to feed much more relaxing but it didn't help with the sleeping as I was paranoid about rolling onto ds, however, I think I will continue to feed laying down on a night, wait for him to go to sleep and then move him into his crib next to the bed.

I have expressed for the first time today which I intend to freeze and build up a supply to allow me to have 'me time' in a couple of weeks. DH and I have decided to make mum babysitter when he is a couple of weeks old and have a night out to ourselves - leaving her expressed breast milk in a bottle.

Thanks again to everyone

sorry, should say couple of weeks oldER!

Chloe, glad you feel happier

Chloe, I'm pleased to see that you sound a bit more positive. I hadn't posted on here as hadn't had time to read all the thread (still haven't, tbh). You are doing a fantastic job, you're bound to feel overwhelmed at times but it's great that you have talked it over with your DH and you have his full support. Getting a night out will be great - you might even feel like your old self again. It took me a while!

I have learnt that bfing is a bit of a rollercoaster ride (like parenthood in general I guess), but once you get through the worst of the dips and things settle, hopefully it will become more like the experience you were hoping for. Whatever happens, you can be very proud of yourself.

Chloe I have only skim read the thread and you have been given some good advice- I am glad it is helping.

I expressed quite early on and found it helped build up my supply in the freezer- if you can do it, it's a good idea.

I also loved bf but at times felt like a milking machine- as well as a nappy changing-sick clearing up machine. Think that's normal.

I also did everything most nights last time round as DH had to work the next day but next time round, I think I will ask that for 1 or 2 nights a week, DH gets the baby and brings him/her to me, I'll feed in bed and then DH will change nappy and settle so I do get a bit longer. Every little helps. That way we all win!

I also agree about setting yourself little targets, I used to think I will feed for today and think about it perhaps changing tomorrow. After 6 weeks (sometimes earlier) it does get a lot easier.

Just wanted to echo what most of the others have said. Those first few weeks can be so hard, but they do pass. DD2 is 16 weeks old today and whilst I can vividly recall the sheer exhaustion of those first few weeks, in many ways they now seem like a distant memory.

It is quite normal in the first weeks to spend ages feeding, but it doesn't carry on like that forever. As your son gets bigger his stomach will grow, meaning he can consume more milk at a feed and go longer between feeds. Also, he will get more efficient at feeding, so the length of each feed should decrease.

The lack of sleep bit is hard too. Dh never got up in the night either. But he would always let me sleep in at weekends, which helped to charge me up for the week ahead. Maybe you husband could do that for you? Perhaps he could take your son out for a walk or something so you get a bit of rest and some time to yourself. When bfing is a struggle, it can be a small blessing to have LO out of the house for a while, so you know you are not going to be disturbed. It can feel bloody relentless at times, I know.

The other thing that helped me at nights was sometimes just "going with the flow". It's the middle of the night, baby is wide awake, you are wide awake, albeit knackered. Use that time - maybe to do a bit of housework or sort out the washing. Let ds sit in his bouncy chair and watch. He'll probably be starting to get sleepy within 1 1/2 to 2 hours of waking up, so put him (and yourself) back to bed then. Hopefully you'll feel more able to relax in the daytime if you feel a bit more on top of your chores.

I remember feeling a lot like you describe when dd1 was born. I got through it by setting myself targets - a week, 3 weeks, 6 weeks, 6 months and so on. I made a deal with myself that when I reached say, 3 weeks, then if I was still fed up I would change to formula. If you had said to me in those early days that I would have got to 18 months, I never would have believed it. I suppose that, when I was really hating it, it didn't feel quite so bad if I could feel like the end was in sight.

Anyway, I think I've been rambling a bit too much here. I hope you manage to have a good night out. (I bet you'll spend the whole time talking and thinking about ds.) And I hope you decide to do whatever is right for you.

Sorry but just have to come on here as had a really bad day yesterday, bad night last night and it seems I'm in for he same again today. Ds just wouldn't settle at all, he cries all the time and as soon as I pick him up he is routing for a boob - even if I have fed him 5mins before. He won't stay on long though which leads me to believe that he is just using it as comfort. DH is against dummies but I am thinking about buying one today before I lose it - do you think this might help?

Health visitor is on her way, am gonna tell her my problems but scared I will start crying on her and I don't want her thinking I am depressed or anything coz I'm not I'm just so tired and worn out. I just don't know what to do

I don't know much about dummies. If your son's weight gain is good, one might be worth trying.

Do you have any local breastfeeding support groups? Even if they can't help, having company in your situation (in real life, not just here) can be very good.

Chloe, it sounds as if you are really low :(

I hope you will be able to talk/sob on the shoulder of your HV - she should be able to differentiate between clinical depression and your feelings of tiredness and lowness.

Your baby may well be seeking comfort at the breast - don't say 'just' comfort, as comfort is a very important thing to all human beings, especially ones who are only 16 days old :)

Less than 3 weeks ago, your little boy was inside you. He had the comforting closeness of your uterus wrapped around him, and the warmth of the amniotic fluid. He knows your taste, your smell, your voice....he wants to be close to those familiar, soothing comforts, and why not? :) Rooting for the breast when awake is something all babies do to some extent, and some babies do it a lot.

But not forever.

Babies who have their needs responded to grow in confidence, and they begin to realise the world outside is an ok place where there are people who love them close by. They don't get desperate for 'proof' of this and they are happier babies.

You need support and help, and your baby can start to learn that other arms can comfort him, too.

A dummy might allow you to be off duty for a while, and it might be worth considering if you are happy your baby is well-established on the breast. But the dummy will not completely change your feelings of being tired and low - if everything isn't magically wonderful with a dummy, you could feel even more low and disappointed. So use one with your eyes wide open :)

Stay in touch.

Chloe, if your son cries to be picked up all the time....would it be possible to hold him and not put him down? This might mean a few changes....a sling or baby carrier that feels comfortable, a partner who will do lots of other non-baby things, and practice at doing things yourself with the baby closely wrapped in.

This won't last forever, it's not teaching him 'bad habits' and it has to be better than putting him down and waiting, on pins, for the wails of protest after 5 mins.

It's how babies come out 'expecting' to be - for most of human existance, in most of the world, babies were not 'put' anywhere but their mothers' bodies. It's biology, really....the way we have evolved as humans. Babies in the 21st century don't know they are in a different world :)

Sorry to hear you're feeling worse, poor thing .

If it's any comfort, my ds was like this at that age and it was incredibly hard work, but once you're past the very early weeks things calm down a lot. It's really worth hanging in there if you can. I think the advice you had earlier about taking it one day at a time is excellent.

Do try and get all the support you can from your HV and maybe see if there's a bf support group nearby that you could get to - it's really comforting to be around other people who are going through the same thing (and they all will be).

Oh Chloe sorry you're having a bad time of it I hope your HV has some good advice/support. As ever, tiktok has great advice!
If dh is really dead set against dummies, you could just try using your pinkie. My ds was happy sucking our pinkies, which does mean you're even more tied as now you can't move your hand, but it might give your norks a break for a bit. Good luck

Oh Chloe I feel for you. I fed DS for 17 months and DD for 11 months so far but I remember the stage that you are at now very well. I was at my very lowest at 3 weeks with DS and actually turned to him and said "I don't love you anymore" because I couldn't cope with the demands he was putting on me and how tired I was. At 4 weeks I still felt like I was struggling. Asking people when it got better was frustrating as one would say 4 weeks the next 6 weeks and the next 8. I stopped asking then. I honestly only carried on because I was stubborn. My 2 SILs had basically said before he was born that I wouldn't be able to do it as they both gave up quite early. That made me really cross and I wanted to prove them wrong. I took it one day at a time until at around 5-6 weeks it just completely clicked and I never looked back.
I also agree with finding a support group. The one I went to saved my sanity and gained me some very good friends.
Hope today goes better for you and don't worry about crying on the HV. I've done it plenty!

I agree with what Tiktok said about trying a sling or papoose. DD2 went through a phase of only really settling in the papoose, although it only lasted about a week. And you could get dh to wear it in the evenings so you could get a bit of a break (dh managed to eat supper and watch telly whikst dd slept on his chest)..
The other thing I am wondering is whether ds might be getting overtired. Overtired babies can get a very frantic and panic-cy (sp!?). They can root frantically because they know they are uncomfortable, but they don't know what the matter is. If ds is flailing about and almost fighting you with his arms and legs, he might actually need to sleep. If you think he might be tired, you could try "shush pat" with him: try taking him into a darkened room, holding him upright, patting his back very gently and saying shush very gently. As he starts to nod off, you might find that he suddenly wakes up and cries again, but settle him back down "it's okay, ds" and more shushing and patting. When he feels really relaxed, you can lower him into bed, still patting and shushing. He might stir a little; if so, reassure him and continue the shush/patting. Once he seems really relaxed, just keep up with the gentle patting. After about a couple of minutes of patting in his bed, hopefully you'll find he will stay asleep for an hour or two. This method is from the Baby Whisperer, but worked like a dream for dd2. (But don't listen to anything Tracy Hogg has to say about bfing). Expect to spend about twenty minutes or so lulling ds to sleep. Keep patting for a while even after you think he's asleep because babies sleep cycles mean they sleep very lightly at first and are easily startled.
I hope this helps.
Hang on in there - it won't always be like this! Honest!

P.S. If you would like to have my copy of the Baby Whisperer book, I would be happy to let you have it for free. I found it helpful for interpreting baby behaviour and for getting a loose routine going. (But most of her advice regarding bfing is, in my opinion, very suspect. Just thought I should warn you).

Well, I was right - I cried on the hv! As soon as she walked through the door!!! DH now weighs 10lbs 6oz, he was 9lbs 13oz a week last sat so he has gained weight and hv very pleased with him. She was encouraging but also said if I was really unhappy then I need to do what's best for us. Spoken to dh, he is being very supportive - need to have a sertious think about what I want to do - gonna give it another couple of days though, hopefully I might keep deciding to give it another couple of days! In my state the other day I told you his wrong age - he is actually 18days old today, I know 2 days is not a huge difference but it's 2 extra days I've persevered. I'm such a bad mummy forgetting how old he is after lewss than 3weeks!

Lucy - thanks for the offer of the book - I would of course like to give you something for it though if you are happy to part with it?

Got to go out for a few hours - will check back later.

Oh, forgetting stuff is totally standard at this point. I forgot DS2's name at one point in the early days. That was embarassing.

Do you have a sling or similar, so you can feed and still walk around? That does really help, my DS1 was boob-mad, and I just got in the habit of leaving him latched on, and going out anyway.