I'm not taking to bf like I thought I would and I am feeling very guilty

[Chloe55]

Having a bit of a moral dilemma. I am currently bf and after a bad start it is going pretty well now - thing is I am so not enjoying the bf experience but it is not because it is uncomfortable or what not I just don't get the 'bonding' thing that is meant to be happening. I am also a little bit resentful about being constantly used as a milking machine - God, that sounds absolutely awful and I realise that as I am writing this. What I mean by it is that ds is a big boy and it seems whenever he is awake he is looking for a nipple to latch onto, it can be literally every 20mins sometimes, other times he'll sleep for a couple of hours but never much more. I'm pretty sure I am producing enough milk as he literally falls off the boob when he has had enough and it is dribbling out of his mouth. I just feel a bit like I can't have any time to myself because I am always in demand. I understand that this is the role of the mother etc etc but I am just getting a bit bogged down with it all.

Thing is I know breast is best and would like to continue to give him my milk but I am seriously thinking about switching him to the bottle. Does anyone know whether it would be possible to express enough milk for him to go on the bottle? Have spoken to mum about it today and she is behind me 100% if that is my decision as she says that I need to be happy with things too but I know DH and particularly his family will seriously frown upon me giving up giving breast. I know he is our baby and it is our decision but not sure if I'm strong enough at the moment to take the comments or looks I might get.

Oh I just don't know what to do. I feel so guilty because there are so many women who want to bf and can't and there's me wanting to jack it in when I have no medical need to. Sorry for the essay, just don't know what to do. Don't know if I am jeapadising my son's health for my convenience

Oh, ds is only 13 days old.

hi chloe just wanted to add some support I'm BFing my 4 week old and yes sometimes it feels like I'm a walking milk machine. I have an 18 mo too and am so sleep deprived right now. I BF DD1 for a year and would also say it gets easier as time goes by thats what keeps me going right now as I know it will get a lot easier and plugging them onto a boob in the night is a lot easier than getting up to heat a bottle. there's some great advice on here about taking each day at a time, hope it works out for you BTW I had a wobble 2 weeks ago and all the lovely MNers helped me out too

Just reiterating what others have said. I didn't 'get' the whole breastfeeding thing at the beginning. I had some problems, but they weren't too great, but it just felt relentless and thankless. My DD is now four and a half months old and now I 'get' breastfeeding and the bond. It's dead easy, too - and I can't imagine giving up in the near future. At the beginning, I couldn't conceive just of getting to six months. Everything became easier around 7-ish weeks.

I've now come to the conclusion that it's newborn babies are a pretty thankless task, because they can't even see you properly, let alone respond to you. Now, I look down sometimes and DD isn't feeding, she's smiling up at me with my nipple hanging at a jaunty angle out of the corner of her mouth. Always makes me laugh.

Someone has mentioned co-sleeping. I've been doing that and it's made night feeding easier. As DD has grown, too, she's got better at feeding lying down. And it's lovely waking up as she stirs, then finding her little face looking up at me. She's also got quite adept at finding her own way to the milk-bar.

I'd just suggest not making any potentially irreversible decisions when you're overtired and 'babied out'.

I'm pretty sure that if I hadn't co-slept, I would have found those horrible first six weeks much much more horrible. Probably if I hadn't co-slept with DS1, I never would have had DS2.

Good books, good videos, a phone to have chats, get it all within reach.

If there's family nearby and able to help, dragoon them into helping with the baby, or helping with the housework, whatever you need. Now is a time for you to demand help from people. See it as you training your family to help out, and keep them in the habit!

Try to relax. Breastfeeding is, IMO, a shock. You think it's going to be simple because it's natural etc etc but the truth is that it's damn hard work and you both have to learn how to do it because 99% of the time it doesn't just come naturally!

I nearly gave up with DS1 - he was 10lb 1oz and the MWs and HVs all said I'd never feed him myself. After a crisis of confidence, I used to take great pride in looking at him and know I was solely responsible for his chubby thighs. I fed him for 12 months despite wanting to give up at 5 days.

It doesn't sound like you want to give up breastfeeding, just that you're disappointes with how it feels compared to what you expected. It does get easier. A lot easier. You can go out without worrying about taking milk & bottles, you always have food there, ready and waiting, should your baby throw a wobbly and decide he's hungry, you don't have to take bottles and milk on holiday...

Agree with the other advice - take it day by day. Each day you feed is a day's more benefit for you and your DS however long you eventually feed for.

Good luck :)

What do you mean by co-sleeping?

Chloe55 - agree with others. The early days are very hard and nothing can prepare you for it. Don't feel bad about the way you feel about bf. Maybe try expressing and see if DH can give a bottle at the weekend to give you a little break. Although 'breast is best' - don't get put under too much pressure. A happy mummy is also best for baby!

I really struggled with bf with DS1 - lasted 10 days. I was determined to bf the next baby (and put myself under a lot of pressure over it) and fed her for 3 months but hated every minute of it. I have heard other people say the same about bf. Some people just don't like bf and just dont get on with it. I bottle fed No 3 - and have to say - I am much happier and healthier this time round and baby has not picked up more colds than No 2 did in the first year.

I am not suggesting that you give up bf - it is early days and if you can get it to work for you it will be great. Hold tight and take each day as it comes. I suppose what I am trying to say is - don't put yourself under too much pressure. You will not be failing your baby if you decide to bottle feed.

Co-sleeping = bed sharing. Having the baby in bed with you. That way, the baby can fall asleep while nursing, you fall asleep while nursing, everyone's happy. It makes middle-of-the-night feeds much less work.

Also, I know people who have successfully mixed fed (ie breast and bottle fed) and it worked brilliantly - despite the midwives and HVs telling them it was impossible!

Successful mixed-feeding is possible, but it's best to start after 6 weeks. If you introduce formula before then, you're likely to end up stopping breastfeeding earlier than you want to.

(Also, the health benefits of exclusive breastfeeding are much higher than the benefits of mixed-feeding.)

He is only 13 days though, I thought you weren't meant to share a bed that early or are you suggesting it for a few more weeks down the line?

I shared a bed with both my boys from birth. It's in the really early days, when they feed lots in the night, that it's really worthwhile.

Poor Chloe. I remember those days! But expressing can be difficult; a pump is hardly ever as efficient as a baby. But where it might help is in enabling your dh to help out a bit more and let you get some sleep. My friend who formula-fed found those first few months just as difficult and was worse in a way because she was obsessing about ounces and all that lark whereas I was in blissful ignorance about the ounces!

My experience is the same as NQC, co-slept from birth, helped bf and exhaustion.

IME, enjoyment comes later on in the cycle, after the first few weeks have gone in a whirl of tiredness.

And chloe, all of mine were in bed with me from the off even ds3 who was 8 weeks prem. Doesn't appear to have done them any harm. It is one of those topics like breast vs bottle, where people can be very "for" or "against".

I had the same feelings as you and gave in to the bottle on the first night home! but I carried on BF in the day. it didnt really work and my milk diminished after 8 weeks. I felt really guilty and still do a bit, but i think we all feel guilty about anything! By the time the milk went i was quite good at it and O really enjoyed it too. Although o was a big boy and he seemed to love the bottle more and slept better, he wasnt ill at all, and because he was on 3/4 hourly feeds the colic went too. but i would still say keep going and in a few weeks when he is a little bigger, he will look up at you in the middle of a feed and let you know just how much he appreciates you.

honey, i'm beginning to realise that motherhood is just one big guilt trip. i felt exactly the same as you. it all fell together but i didnt like it. there, said it. i didnt like breastfeeding. that was the main reason i switched to bottle feeding.

now i'm not giving you advice here, just do what you feel is best for you and the baby. but do you think if you rounded up 20 strangers in the street you could tell which of them was bottle fed and which one was breast fed?

NQC - I know the health benefits for breast feeding is better - goes without saying - but that doesn't help the guilt factor when you are really struggling with bf and thinking about giving it up!

What I was trying to say to Chloe55 was that a healthy happy mummy who is bottle feeding is better for a baby than a depressed, run down mummy who is really struggling to bf IYSWIM and to say to Chloe55 not to put herself under too much pressure about it. The early days are hard enough without having to cope with guilt as well.

NQN - good point about not mixed feeding before 6 weeks though.

poppiesinaline, just to put the other side of the argument, thinking of the health benefits was the only thing which kept me going for the first 6 weeks, struggling and considering giving it up.

Good point Clayhead. I just know how Chloe55 must be feeling cos I was wracked with guilt when I gave up bf DS1 and it really spoilt the early days. People can be put under so much pressure to bf but if it just doesn't 'work' for you for whatever reason it feels horrible.

Chloe55 needs to do what feels right for her. She won't be jeapadising her son's health or her bonding with him if she decides not to bf.

Btw - although I did not get on with bf - I am all for bf and would always say to someone give it a really good go before you give up BUT if you do decide to give up do not beat yourself up about it. :)

Chloe55 - You still there!!! :)

Chloe, there is some excellent advice here. I cannot comment with regrds to bf as I had to stop after only a couple of days (long story!), but what I can say is that the first few weeks after having a baby can be tough. There are so many things to think about, to worry about. I will put money on that in time, you will be on here offering some great advice to another new mum. I really hope you come to a decision that suits you and your baby soon.

Chloe, bf at 13 days old when they seem to want your boob every 5 minutes is a completely different experience to feeding at 2 months. By then the convienience factor of bf really kicks in, and because your not so knackered and sore it can and does become a lovely experience. I bf both my 2 succesfully until 11 months or so, and loved it, but well remeber that feeling of " Oh not not again" when dd would root around all the time.

IMO, feeding every 20 minutes is too often. I know Gina Ford isn't for everyone, and her bf advice in particular is sometimes suspect, but I think her sugeestion of not assuming your baby is hungry every time it cries is a good one. Try distracting him rather than feeding strainght away, especially if you know he has had a good feed - you can gradually then get him into the habit of having bigger feeds less often rather than snacking constantly, which gives you and your boobs more of a break.

I would also second the idea of having a special bf book or TV programme- with dd I watched the videos of 24, and with ds read loads of page turning novels, so I was often quite pleased to settle down and feed so I could get back and see what happened next.

Good luck. And if you do decide to stop bf, it really isn't the end of the world. Better a happy mum of a bottlefed baby than a depressed one of a bf baby.

Also - the website kellymom.com has quite good information on growth spurts. I found myself around day 9 feeding constantly: she would wake in the night and feed for 45 minutes, then wake half an hour to an hour later - and feed again for 45 minutes. I was exhausted. My midwife said that this is a classic growth spurt time and the constant feeding increases your supply. Kellymom gives an idea of when these occur.

Re: co-sleeping. I did this from birth too. I didn't intend to - I was concerned about the pillows and duvet etc, but she was in a bedside cot and it was just easier to pull her onto our bed. I don't know where the idea comes from that you shouldn't do it from birth - it's in the current Boots Parenting Club magazine (they say 8 weeks). There are obviously provisos to co-sleeping, but the SIDS foundation doesn't advise not to do it at all.

When we've been on holiday (and without the bedside cot) I've put a BabyDan guard rail along my side of the bed, so she can't fall out. They say not to use them until the child is 18 months, but I suspect that means when they're in the bed on their own, rather than when they're sharing with you.

Hi Chloe
Just wanted to say good luck. Until anyone's tried it, i don't think they appreciate what bloody hard work breastfeeding can be. Whatever you do, you'll be doing your very best for your baby, so don't beat yourself up.

I know what you mean about not being able to nap in the day - I don't think I've managed to do it more than a half a dozen times in the last three months!! Anyway, you're not alone in this crazy new world of motherhood,
all the best!