Husband/Partner's opinion on feeding baby

[WhatTheHellJustHappened]

Did anyone face opposition from their SO regarding formula feeding?

I will most likely formula feed. Most babies in my family are formula fed. I'm aware of the benefits of bf but I just don't think it's the end of the world to ff.

My husband is constantly arguing with me over this decision because he wants me to breastfeed the baby. Anyone else faced a similar problem? What did you do about it?

Let's not turn this into a thread where I get lectured about the benefits of bf because I'm well aware of them, but I just don't think it's the right choice for me.

x posts HHH

Whatthehell - of course abortion isn't the same as ff, like the others, I think that's the opposite of what Greythorne meant. Abortion is the most extreme possible example of it being a woman's body and therefore her choice. I think she was trying to illustrate that her support for bodily autonomy went well beyond breast vs formula.

This is indeed a tricky one. My DH basically said that it was up to me to decide as it was my body and he wanted me to be happy. As it is, DD is now 22 weeks and EBF having had only a small 35ml top up on Day 3 as my EMCS really threw me. I now that ELCS are supposed to be easier to recover from but all in all a C-section really is no joke and having experienced one, I would not recommend them.

However, from reading your posts, it seems to me that there are few issues at heart here including your own body image. Even putting BF and ELCS aside, I think that you will have to come to terms with the fact that your body really is never quite the same again after having a baby. I'm kind of struggling with this fact at the moment as all my measurements are now nearing pre-pg apart from where I had my c-section where there is still a massive overhang and not much feeling. :(

I also saw that you are in London and yes indeed many women do BF in public in London, I'm one of them! :) And if this is one of your concerns, no-one bats an eyelid and there are plenty of places to do it out of sight if you want to.

If you dh is being as sgb describes then he needs sorting out if however he is trying to get you to see his side that's something else.

You do t have to feed in public or be housebound there is a medium.

With the further info you've given about your reasoning can I ask why your dh does not feel these are good enough reasons for your choice?

I apologise if I've misunderstood Greythorne's posts!

I am not lumping FF and abortion together. But then again, I see neither as pejorative.

But I do refer to them in the same post because these decisions concern a woman's autonomy over her body. Other decisions (schools, solids, potty training etc etc) can and should be decisions which are made by both parents (or at least both parents wishes listened to and respected).

But being forced to breastfeed, being forced to carry a foetus to term, being forced to abort a foetus, being forced to give birth by CS or being forced to have a vaginal birth.....well, I lump all of these together because no woman should be forced to do any of them, as It Is Her Body and nobody else's.

Hope that clarifies my stance.

I have never FF but I am not against it, ffs.

Formula is a very nutritious drink and you'll baby will be just fine with it, even if it will miss out on some of the benefits of BFing. It won't be fine however with a depressed mother feeding against her wishes, or with two parents who are upset with each other over parenting choices. It's your body and your choice, but I think you need to work this through with your DH. In a few years time, you won't care anymore about how you fed your DC in the early days, but you will care if those early days were coloured by resentment and other ill feeling.

By the way, there is a third option, which is to do mixed feeding. BF for home, and FF for when you're out or need a break. Just throwing it out there.

OP just ignore anyone who tries to make you feel guilty or pathetic or wrong for your choices -- and that includes your DH.

There's nothing wrong with FF, I had to from birth as my milk never came in and it ended up being a really positive thing for us. DS was incredibly healthy and happy, and I felt like DH and I were equal partners in parenting from day one.

I have to agree very much with SGB, I would be a bit at a man insisting on natural childbirth and BF not just having an opinion, but insisting and wondering what kind of female archetypes I was failing to live up to for him.

I would also find it convenient that he'd want the feeding method that's the least work for him!

I do think you need him to come around sooner rather than later though. The birth will be behind you soon enough but you don't want to keep having this argument every feeding.

I'd be worried that any time you asked him to get up in the night to feed, he's say something like, No, I wouldn't have to if you'd only BF

But colostrum can be hand-expressed and fed to baby with a syringe so none of it is lost at all!

A very lovely midwife hand-expressed mine while I sat in my hospital bed sobbing 24 hours post-labour, bless her. So it can be done.

Definitely wouldn't recommend a pump or bottle for it though, it would get lost!

No, you can't always hand-express it either, especially after a section.

And it doesn't matter. Plenty of babies never have any colostrum at all and are fine. If the OP wants to try it, good for her, if she doesn't then people should just leave her be.

I don't think that's the point most of us were making Bohemian- more that if the OP presents that as a compromise she is willing to make with her husband, she, and especially he, need to be aware it might not work out. It would be dreadful for that to turn into another row.

Well, I agree it might not work. All the more reason not to set up a 'compromise' before the event.

The OP says she has read up on everything, presumably she knows the benefits of colostrum. If she still feels she wants to FF then I think people should respect that. I don't want to speak for her, but it seems to me that saying 'at least give the baby colostrum' is kind of not respecting her wishes, which is to not BF at all.

I think a reasonable compromise, as others have suggested, is to stop discussing it now and see what happens when the baby is here. I would not get drawn into anything more specific than that.

I wasn't trying to push you to give colostrum OP - just following on from the post before mine.

You should do what you choose for yourself and not what anyone has pushed you into.

Good luck with whatever you end up doing :)

It wasn't that I wasn't respecting her decision Bohemian, when I referenced expressing colostrum I was responding directly to the OP saying:

"I've agreed to pump colostrum to give to the baby because it's a shame not to. But I don't really think there is al, that much of a point in me trying bf because I'm certain I can't sustain it. "

and particularly

"I'm willing to pump colostrum and give it to the baby but I doubt that alone will appease DH. '

As were, I suspect, many of the posters. It was more a question of 'don't say you'll do something to 'appease' your DH when it might not work out'.

Oh sorry, I missed that bit.

Sorry!

I agree on the not appeasing, obviously...

No worries Bohemian. It's sometimes hard to hunt out all the OPs posts when a thread goes like this one! I have problems even when I set up MN to highlight them. Mine are a fetching green!

So are mine! I still missed it!

I'm a bit too distracted by the stag do in Thailand thread methinks...

You have the right to refuse to breastfeed. I wouldn't justify it beyond explaining that you do not want to use your body that way. That is reason enough.
For me, breastfeeding was something I wanted, even yearned to do, a biological need I had. Much in the same way I wanted to conceive and carry my own child. Breastfeeding has been a completely wonderful, emotional and amazing experience for me and yet I can understand that some women feel completely differently. A childless friend of mine once said she thought she wanted children but was really put off by the thought of pregnancy. That's a pretty strong reaction to pregnancy but she made her decision.

I would avoid justifying your decision on grounds of "there's not much difference in the health benefits" because that is not true, and it isn't your reason anyway. In truth, no parent does the best for their children in every aspect of their lives. We all fall short in some areas, and attempt to compensate in others.

verylittlecarrot

I was like your friend. I still am! I'm not enjoying being pregnant at all and to me this is just something I want to get over with ASAP. I often joke with DH that I wish we had a surrogate

As for the difference between formula and breast milk- I genuinely don't think the difference is earth shaking. All of us in my family were brought up on formula and we turned out just fine. I've read research that outlines some clear benefits of breast milk and I know that formula can't be called better, but that doesn't mean it's necessarily a compromise.

It's not necessarily a compromise - for lots of women and babies it's a lifesaver.

When it's chosen as a preference because a mother can't be arsed to breastfeed, then it is a compromise - a compromise between your feelings and what's best for your baby.

Put your feelings first if that's what you want. But no amount of research is going to make it true that you are not denying your baby something valuable.

Your husband can't force you to breastfeed, but it's not hard to see why he might find that compromise a bit of a bum deal for his baby.

Your body, your choice.

I support you, OP.

OP you genuinely sound like motherhood is something you are dreading, I would think about some sort of counselling before your baby comes. When your baby is born he/she will naturally look for your breast to feed, it's not weird, it doesn't feel odd (perhaps hard to imagine) it instinctively feels right probably because it is. BFis also proven to give the mother huge health benefits, less likely to be depressed, better for breast cancer, etc.

Is this baby wanted? Or is it something you've just gone along with?

I agree with posie.