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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Husband/Partner's opinion on feeding baby

402 replies

WhatTheHellJustHappened · 24/04/2012 22:28

Did anyone face opposition from their SO regarding formula feeding?

I will most likely formula feed. Most babies in my family are formula fed. I'm aware of the benefits of bf but I just don't think it's the end of the world to ff.

My husband is constantly arguing with me over this decision because he wants me to breastfeed the baby. Anyone else faced a similar problem? What did you do about it?

Let's not turn this into a thread where I get lectured about the benefits of bf because I'm well aware of them, but I just don't think it's the right choice for me.

OP posts:
hairylemon · 25/04/2012 14:54

Please say you have just made that up

Figgygal · 25/04/2012 14:55

Athing I'm a failed BFer (due to supply issues) so apparently worthy of your support quite frankly I wouldn't want it and the op didn't ask for it she asking about how to handle the issue with her do. You obviously can't do that as you have seemingly very strong views on the subject so maybe you should just leave this thread!!

WhatTheHellJustHappened · 25/04/2012 15:02

natural baby

Maybe body confidence and cultural issues are selfish. Maybe the fact that for various reasons I have to be at work by 4-6 months is selfish. Maybe the fact that I cannot afford to be housebound for 6 months is selfish. Maybe my pre existing medical issues and clinical depression is selfish.

I concede that I'm selfish.

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 25/04/2012 15:06

The thing is women matter every bit as much as babies. Their wellbeing is just as important. The baby won't know or care where the food comes from as long as there is some, and an adult who actually minds whether or not s/he was breastfed as a baby is likely to be an adult in need of a kick up the arse counselling.
And I'd be quite concerned about a man who is aggressively in favour of 'natural' childbirth and BF - to me it would suggests he's not seeing the woman as important, and that her discomfort is irrelevant, and her reluctance to breastfeed might be a symptom of feminism or something, because real women enjoy childbirth and BF, and embrace any pain, physical or mental, because being an incubator and a dairy animal is what women are really for. It's not his body he's causing pain or distress to so it's not any of his business.

hairylemon · 25/04/2012 15:10

No you're not op. As I said earlier we are all just mums who want to do our best. For some its bf above all else, others have a different hierarchy of what's important. Noone is right or wrong in the decisions they make aslong as the baby isn't in danger and is fed, loved and cared for. That's all a baby wants and needs.

hairylemon · 25/04/2012 15:11

Great post sgb

naturalbaby · 25/04/2012 15:17

I'm not saying you're selfish, I've read back and my posts come across as a personal attack like some other post but what I meant was it's hard to provide support when people don't understand you and can't empathise.

I don't think you're being selfish at all because I can empathise with some of the issues you are dealing with, we just chose very different paths. Breastfeeding is a very difficult and physically painful path to choose and there were many, many occasions where I wished I wasn't so determined to EBF - I was very hard on myself and didn't give myself a break. I lost too much weight and was physically exhausted, I didn't get a decent and reliable night sleep for a year. For this and other parenting decisions I also consider myself selfish!

WhatTheHellJustHappened · 25/04/2012 15:20

Thanks again hairylemon and fabulous post sgb.:) I really do wish more people thought like you.

OP posts:
DialMforMummy · 25/04/2012 15:25

Athing wow, just wow.
How can I make the world into the kind of place where women who don't fancy breastfeeding will suddenly fancy it? Why do you give so much of a shit?

Poor eating habits in later life have far more devastating consequences as a whole that bloody bfing. Are you going to have a go at parents who give food in jars to their toddlers too? Or crisps? How about parents who let their kids spend hours in front of the telly? That's really bad for the kids too, you know.
I ffed my child, clearly because I am stooopid (mind you I was ffed, that could explain it), I don't give a shit about him and certainly can't be bothered about his needs. Bang on.
You are so out of order, I am speechless.

hairylemon · 25/04/2012 15:26

There is op. Ime it's only on mn that people think its ok to slag off other parents feeding choices. Your h will be supportive at the time I'm sure. Something about a lovely newborn baby that makes all the little things pale into insignificance and it puts things into perspective

MakesCakesWhenStressed · 25/04/2012 15:27

Haven't read the whole thread, but wanted to offer my support. If you want a c sec and they'll let you have one then do that. You're lucky that you can have your choice of birth. I wanted all natural and ended up with a c sec and I still haven't got over that. At least your way round mother nature can't stop you having what you want!

As for bf i desperately wanted to do it, especially after the c sec, and it took immense amounts of hard work, determination and will power. There were points when I nearly jacked it all in, and only baby's refusal to take a bottle kept me going with bf. I'm so so glad I did now, because I love it, but that's because it's what I wanted and it took a huge amount of determination. If you already know you're not going to be committed to it then I doubt you would be able to stick with it and the stress of it would taint those precious first weeks - I hope your dh can come to understand this and hopefully he will enjoy the bonding aspect of feeding your baby. I know my dh missed being able to feed baby cakes once we moved to ebf :-)

Good luck

HerrenatheHHHarridan · 25/04/2012 15:31

Athing

'Your dichotomy is simplistic anyway - what if the mother FF and still gets severe PND? Or hates breastfeeding but doesn't get PND?'

Both are perfectly possible. However in my personal case I am pretty damn sure that if I'd been forced to keep on trying to BF then I'd have ended up in a very dark place (the place I ended up in with FF was bad enough). I say this due to the stories I have heard from BF'ing friends of mine about their experiences.

My point is that if you force anyone to do something that they do not wish to do, it is going to end badly. Tie that in with massive hormonal upheaval and societal judginess (to put it mildly) and PND is not far away at all.

Oh and thank you hairylemon for backing up my point - you made it better than I did :)

Figgygal · 25/04/2012 15:38

I'm surprised by the lack of posters on this thread who made the same choice as you op and never BFed, I know there were a few up thread.

Personally i was in the "if you can feed you should" camp saying that however I was a reluctant BFer I dreaded feeding in public, hate my breasts at the best of time and am a massive prude I'm also back to work at 6 months. Strangely When my milk didn't come in Properly i was both sad and a little glad. I still persevered until 8 weeks trying to improve situation to almost madness over the decision to call it a day.

Looking back now I was influenced by the breast is best message (which it undoubtedly is) and wish I'd had your strength of mind to follow what I was thinking and what I knew would be best for me, my non compliant boobs and my very stressed and in reality ff with bf top ups baby. I was lucky my dh supported the decision to switch to ff fully however I would have been in your boat if I had decided pre birth I wouldn't bf i know He wouldn't have supported that decision. I hope that you and he can come to a place where he respects your decision had you not discussed feeding/ birth before getting pg?

Kitchendiva80 · 25/04/2012 15:41

My oh was the opposite. He wanted me to ff - as he thought bf would be difficult and add unnecessary pressure to an already pressurized situation. I wanted to try but for various reasons it didn't happen. By day 3 my dd had had few drops of colostrum and nothing more. I was in tears most of the time when attempting to feed. This would in turn upset my dd and make me feel even worse. Had a chat with a midwife who was pro bf and proceeded to make me feel like a silly little girl and to get on with it. It came to a head when oh was up visiting another midwife was sat on the bed with me and (very quietly and in round about way as I've heard they get into trouble if they promote ff) helped me give myself permission to go on to ff. best decision I've made we both (dd and I) were instantly more relaxed. There are times where I do feel regret for not bf but you really can't beat yourself up for it. You make the decision that works best for you. To call someone pathetic for not doing what you would want them to do is imo disgusting. Esp if you are a midwife - would you be that nasty speaking to a woman in your care? Truly hope not. Op you need to do what makes you happy and comfortable. Bf is hard enough but that won't be made any easier if you're hating every minute. Your lo will be able to pick up on your tension too. Congratulations on your lo.

CaptainHetty · 25/04/2012 15:47

I think your partner has every right to express an opinion on how he thinks your baby should be fed, but in my view it should stop there. He certainly has no right to try and make you do something with your body that you aren't comfortable doing. I do believe breastmilk is superior to formula, but again, this isn't really the place to discuss that, presumably the OP is a grown woman who is capable of looking at and researching the pros and cons, and hasn't made these decisions blindly or on a whim. Lecturing or condescending her are not supportive or helpful.

A baby is being fed and looked after, surely that should be the important thing here? You can argue whether it's selfish or not til you're blue in the face but fact is unless you know this woman personally you have nowhere near enough information on her background or personal issues to pass comment on whether her reasons are 'good' enough.

I'm sure your partner will support you no matter what you choose to do; ultimately it's easy to tell you what you should and shouldn't do now, but hopefully once your baby arrives he will be happy just that the two of you are ok and happy.

HerrenatheHHHarridan · 25/04/2012 15:47

My mum said that she only put me on the boob reluctantly, because the midwife
persuaded her to. She describes the experience as 'weird and scary' and immediately said she didn't want to ever do that again.

The midwife, despite having a different view, respected my mum's choice and went to get her a bottle. End of debate.

It would be nice to think that 30 years on, HCPs who listen to the patient and respect their decisions still exist in the NHS (I've met one or two of them but also some complete judgemental nightmares).

Oh and figgygal my baby was FF with BF top-ups too!! For 8 weeks anyway, until we decided we'd all suffered enough :)

seeker · 25/04/2012 15:51

I think part of the problem is that there is so much misinformation about bf about that it's usually safe to assume that any new mother or pregnant woman has been misinformed, and is not making a decision in full possession of all the facts.

For example, kitchen diva talks about it being day 3 and all her baby had had was a little colostrum. Nobody told her that that is perfectly normal and most people's milk doesn't come in til day 3.

The OP talked about her reasons for not wanting to bf, and, until her last posts, they were all reasons that many women share, and have found ways round. If somebody says "I don't want to do this thing [whatever it is] for these reasons" and those are resolvable reasons, then isn't it normal and helpful to offer solutions?

Greythorne · 25/04/2012 15:58

OP

it is your body and you should be able to (try) to have the birth you want and you shold be able to feed your child however you want.

You are a grown up and you have autonomy over your own body.

Do what you want. You are a human being not an incubator or a milk producing machine.

I don't really know or understand your reasons for wanting a CS or for wanting to express colostrum, rather than bfeeding direct. But it's no more my business than it would be my business to go and stand outside an abortion clinic asking oregnant women why they are choosing not to continue their pregnancies.

FWIW, I had one AMAZING natural birth after labouring in a bath and breastfed my two DC for a total of 4 years and I would recommend both natural birth and breastfeeding to anyone interested. But I would defend your right to have an abortion, to choose a CS and to FF even though these were not my choices because I believe in your right to choose.

hairylemon · 25/04/2012 16:02

Totally agree regarding general misinformation Seeker, my personal fave being "if you are doing it right it shouldnt hurt" said to a new bf mum after half an hour of trying Hmm

"If somebody says "I don't want to do this thing [whatever it is] for these reasons" and those are resolvable reasons, then isn't it normal and helpful to offer solutions?"
IMO it depends, if someone says "Ive looked into it and I dont want to do X because" and its said as a statement then Id say its not my place to try and change that persons mind, esp if its an emotive subject that some people feel they have to justify their reasons for simply not wanting to do it IYSWIM. If its said "I dont think I want to do X because" or "I dont want to do X because, any advice" then that is inviting opinions and advice.

The fact that the OP said in her first post that she doesnt want a lecture and is aware of the benefits says to me exactly that, she doesnt want any advice on Bfing, just advice on how to handle her 'D' H

YoullLaughAboutItOneDay · 25/04/2012 16:37

Whatthehell - This thread seems to have gone a bit off piste, but I wanted to try and respond to the original post. Sorry if I miss any of your further comments down the thread - I've tried to read them all but might have missed some in the melee.

As you can see, breastfeeding is an emotive issue. I made totally different choices to you - home birth, extended breastfeeding. I am very pro breastfeeding, but I respect every woman's right to make her own informed decisions.

Thinking from your husband's perspective, I suspect he may be feeling shut out and frustrated. This baby means the world to him and breastfeeding is obviously something he feels strongly about. But it is a decision that is out of his hands. It is (quite righty) your body and your call. It must be very hard to realise as a father that in the early days, it really is the mother who shapes things (birth, feeding) if you are used to an equal partnership. I felt the same way in reverse with the crushing realisation that I was the one sitting at home covered in spit and baby poo whilst DH's world still involved interesting conversations and sandwiches from Pret! That may sound like a silly comparison, but if you're in your late 20s/30s with years of equal partnership and equal careers behind you, understanding the (for want of a better phrase) power shift that takes place in a relationship around children can be really hard. Finding your feet as parents can be tough, and maybe he is pushing you so hard on this because he does want everything to be equal. Long term, this is a good thing for your relationship, you just need to get over the feeding/birth bump!

I think perhaps trying to convince him with facts, or reasons, or reminding him of that fact isn't the way to build consensus. I suspect maybe his continued pushing has made you defensive, and him more entrenched.

Have you tried sitting down with him, acknowledging his feelings, stressing your own and talking more generally about being co-parents. How about asking him to hypothetically accept your decision - then think of all the nice things that decision would allow. I know it's a cliche, but shared night feeds is an obvious one. Talk about the bigger picture - all the wonderful things on which you agree about how to raise your child.

Also, feel free to tell me to naff off, but if you agree to feed colostrum you may find it easier and less stressful to do it directly. Doesn't stop you moving to formula whenever you choose. I only mention this because I have a friend who did this, and the tiny quantities make it really difficult, fiddly and frustrating in many cases to express colostrum. I'd be careful of making promises you may regret to express it, and personally would go with either feeding it direct (your milk will come in whether you do or don't , so it won't make much difference to drying up your supply), or making only very tentative promises to try and express it. I wouldn't want it to become something you agreed to keep the peace, but then became a source of dispute later on.

YoullLaughAboutItOneDay · 25/04/2012 16:39

Sorry, just read that back and it's not as clear as I meant to be. What I am trying to say is that the dispute may be as much about him feeling pushed out as about the actual bf vs ff. Coming at it from acknowledging his feelings might be more fruitful than an ongoing debate on the 'issue'.

Heswall · 25/04/2012 16:46

Mine was very supportive, we planned for successful breast feeding and it worked 4 times so that was great. I think he'd have been upset had it not worked out but he'd have been more so if I hadn't tried.

WhatTheHellJustHappened · 25/04/2012 16:47

Greythorne

Are we lumping ff and caesarians in the same category as abortion now?

Nevertheless, I appreciate your willingness to support choices so vastly different from your own.

OP posts:
HerrenatheHHHarridan · 25/04/2012 16:54

I don't think that's what greythorne meant OP - at least it didn't come across that way when I read her post.

I believe it was meant to be more a 'I support your decision to do what you see fit with your body' statement than anything else.

hairylemon · 25/04/2012 16:57

OP I think Greythorne meant it as in its your choice to bf / have an elcs just as having an abortion is a womans choice. Thats how I read it but I could be wrong.

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