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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

Husband/Partner's opinion on feeding baby

402 replies

WhatTheHellJustHappened · 24/04/2012 22:28

Did anyone face opposition from their SO regarding formula feeding?

I will most likely formula feed. Most babies in my family are formula fed. I'm aware of the benefits of bf but I just don't think it's the end of the world to ff.

My husband is constantly arguing with me over this decision because he wants me to breastfeed the baby. Anyone else faced a similar problem? What did you do about it?

Let's not turn this into a thread where I get lectured about the benefits of bf because I'm well aware of them, but I just don't think it's the right choice for me.

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 26/04/2012 13:25

OP that's why I thought SGB's post earlier was spot on -- the fact that he doesn't seem to be taking your own feelings into consideration.

My own DH just wanted a healthy and happy baby, and a healthy and happy mum. It's perfectly possible to have that with FF and in some cases even more likely to have that with FF.

To obsess about the minute benefits of BF (and at the individual level they are minute and not guaranteed) in a way that disregards your psychological feelings is just odd.

The only thing I can think is that he's trying to cope with an extreme level of anxiety about how things will turn out by fixating on something he feels you can control, i.e. manner of birth and feeding. So maybe when the baby is actually here he'll lighten up a bit.

AThingInYourLife · 26/04/2012 13:37

"He's made it clear that my feelings and preferences don't matter."

Well they do matter. And they matter a great deal more than his feelings and preferences, although they matter too.

I don't think asking him to understand your position, or trying to placate him with "compromises" over expressing colostrum, or trying to convince him that it isn't beneficial when it is, is the way forward here.

You've made your call, it's your decision. He doesn't have to like it, but he does have to accept it.

HateBeingCantDoUpMyJeans · 26/04/2012 13:39

Does he normally get his own way with this method. This really is starting to concern me tbh it is so much bigger than bf

larrygrylls · 26/04/2012 13:47

"You've made your call, it's your decision. He doesn't have to like it, but he does have to accept it."

As the OP would have to accept if he refused to do night feeds, change any nappies etc etc. Would not be fair but, equally, the OP merely saying "this is my decision" is not particularly fair either. It is both of their baby and they should both have a say in decisions affecting its welfare as well as their own preferences.

dreamingbohemian · 26/04/2012 13:57

Sigh.

Larry, changing a nappy is an equal imposition whether you are male or female. It takes the same amount of time and imposes the same burden. For one person to say they're not doing it is just illogical.

BF requires a massively larger commitment and sacrifice from the mother. She may have to cope with cracked nipples, thrush, all the physical aspects of getting feeding established. She may have cluster feeds for hours at a time. She will be responsible for all the feeds and wakings, if expressing isn't working.

I agree both partners should have an opinion and it should be discussed. But ultimately it is the woman who has to do the BF and if she does not want to, the man should not pressure her or make her feel inadequate.

larrygrylls · 26/04/2012 14:03

Dreaming,

I tend to agree with you but, with the one proviso, that she gives it a go first. If she gives it an honest go and finds it too much, by all means give up and no one has a right to ask her to continue.

On the plus side, if BF is well established and works, many women (including my wife) could sleep next to a baby and hardly even wake up for a night feed. I agree it is an investment of time and effort at the beginning, but can be very well rewarded especially if you have more than one baby.

All I am saying is that just saying "nope, not for me" is obviously a decisive argument, but not a constructive one.

PosieParker · 26/04/2012 14:15

Grrrr..... finding myself agreeing with Larry!

MakesCakesWhenStressed · 26/04/2012 14:30

Larry - bf is working well here and is established, but lying down feeds are, quite frankly, a fucking ball ache and much more disruptive to everyone in the bed than me getting up. bf really is different for everyone, so don't go round thinking everyone can feed without waking up

AmberLeaf · 26/04/2012 14:33

FFS! breastfeeding and Mumsnet....guaranteed to turn usually pleasant people into rude, opinionated judgy arseholes.

OP, its you that has to do it, its fine for your DH to have his wants but its not him doing it is it?

AThingInYourLife
This is about never putting your baby to your breast, because you can't be bothered

Is it? did the OP say she 'cant be bothered'

I dont think so, from what ive been reading she clearly has some personal issues that are the reason why she has come to this decision even at this early stage. she doesnt have to justify them here.

OP sorry not sure if you've said already, does your DH know your reasons behind your decision? if he does and is still pressurising you then hes being V unreasonable, if he doesnt then maybe it would be helpful if you could discuss them with him?

Dont be forced into doing something your are not happy about though, not breastfeeding is not the end of the world feeling shitty about it will have far more of a negative impact on you [and those around you] than formula feeding ever could.

Good luck and enjoy your baby Smile

Original poster
WhatTheHellJustHappened · 26/04/2012 14:35

larry

People are getting concerned about my relationship but truthfully I'm more concerned about yours. Would you seriously 'punish' your wife by refusing help out with the baby if she had made the choice not to bf?!

Changing a nappy, and taking care of the child in general is an equal responsibility. Breastfeeding is not.

Both of us should and will have an equal say in all parenting decisions as long as they don't involve my body. This isnt like me saying he cant decide on a name for the baby. Can't you honestly get the difference?

Furthermore, your suggestion that baby sleep with me is not practical(for us).
I don't believe in rooming in. Breastfeeding (if it happens) will go on for 6-8 months minimum and I can't imagine having the baby sleep with us for that long. We can't cease to be a married couple because we have become parents.

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 26/04/2012 14:40

So what do you consider 'an honest go', Larry? A couple days? A couple weeks? If she quits at the first sign of pain, is she a failure?

I see what you are saying but it's still putting the DH's judgment on her, as she will have to satisfy his conditions for an 'honest go'. It's still putting pressure on her.

The OP has said she has read up on all of it and made an informed decision. I think it's a bit patronising to insist she give it a try. If after giving birth she does want to try well great, nothing stopping her, but to say she can only FF after trying BF is not fair to her.

PosieParker · 26/04/2012 14:41

Ha ha ha ha ha , you don't believe in 'rooming in'. OP you have a weird idea about marriage, not existing because a baby shares a bed....

My DH and I managed to have four children and shared with the last two...the others slept really well. And why would you say about bf for 6-8mths when you're not prepared to do a week,.

OP you came here looking for people to agree that your husband has no right to decide how to feed his baby... I think enough people have agreed.

OhBuggerandArse · 26/04/2012 14:43

I don't believe in rooming in.

Even though that, too, is shown to have serious (lifesaving) benefits to your baby?

With the greatest of respect, I think you're being unrealistic about the degree to which a baby is going to change your life - you simply can't control the effects as much as it appears you wish to.

My solution to that was simply to roll with it, and see what was easiest for everyone as it happened - I think you might be surprised about what works for you when it all actually happens.

tiktok · 26/04/2012 14:45

You clearly have strong feelings, whatthehell - nothing wrong with that! I am not sure what you mean by 'not believing' in rooming in - babies sharing a room with their parents is not a 'belief' system, but the evidence-based recommendation for safety, and it's not a question of using your body (as bf is - and which is absolutely your right to decide for or against, with or without a 'go' at it).

When both parents have strong opinions that clash, they should still be respectful and kind to one another - this is what I don't see in your posts :(

YoullLaughAboutItOneDay · 26/04/2012 14:46

Whatthehell - Some people have tried to make suggestions about the issue in your OP (including me up thread). Do you want to talk about them? I know it can be hard when one of your threads goes a bit off piste, but sometimes it's helpful to step back and leave people to it.

Also, on 'rooming in', I'd just say, please ensure you read up on the SIDS research about sharing a room with parents in the early days. If you feel comfortable going against it, fine, but like anything it should be a decision made with full information. If you've already read up on the protective effects, of course feel free to ignore me.

Original poster
WhatTheHellJustHappened · 26/04/2012 14:47

Posie

Well weird is a subjective word here isn't it? It may have been OK for you and your DH to share a bed with your children, but I have different ideas. Put it down to cultural differences again if you'd like. I just cannot wrap my head around the idea of being intimate with my hubs with my baby lying in the same bed as us. It's beyond strange.

Since we both work full time, I suspect when the babies come along the only couple time we'll have is after they are asleep.

OP posts:
PosieParker · 26/04/2012 14:49

Again, it seems like you don't really want this baby...

No bf
No birth (I've had 4 c-sections)
No sharing a room

These are things that most people accept and look forward to as part of becoming a mother, seems like your maternal light is rather dim.

tiktok · 26/04/2012 14:50

Rooming in = sharing a room with parents

Co-sleeping = (usually) sharing a bed, though this is sometimes known as co-bedding, with co-sleeping sometimes meaning the same as rooming in.

The research is clear - babies who sleep in a different room from their parents in the first 6 mths are at a higher risk.

Back2Two · 26/04/2012 14:51

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

tiktok · 26/04/2012 14:52

Oh - many people would not expect to actually have sex with the baby there in the same bed, but would move themselves or the baby elsewhere for that.

But cuddles and closeness with the baby there - can't see anything odd about that :)

PosieParker · 26/04/2012 14:52

ideas???

I think that's where you and I differ, I wanted to see how things went when my dcs arrived. I understood that to make life easy I went with the baby and his needs, lucky for me he barely cried and was very content.

Perhaps I shall just smile and wait for your posts when you are actually a mother, seems like you are entering motherhood with a strict idea.

Original poster
WhatTheHellJustHappened · 26/04/2012 14:53

OK let me clarify. The baby will be in the same room as us for the early days.
However, not in our bed (I'm afraid of one of us rolling over and hurting the baby)
Once we feel comfortable enough the baby will be moved to the nursery which is basically in an adjacent room with a connecting door (which will be left open). There are also great inventions called baby monitors which we intend to use ;)

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 26/04/2012 14:54

Posie that's an awful thing to say.

You can be a fantastic mum even if you FF, have a section and don't share a room.

Those may not be your choices but they are the choices of many and to say they are not maternal is really ugly and uncalled for.

YoullLaughAboutItOneDay · 26/04/2012 14:54

"Since we both work full time, I suspect when the babies come along the only couple time we'll have is after they are asleep."

Since you have children, the only couple time you are likely to have is when they are asleep, or if you have a sitter. Until they wake up (whilst they are small). I'm afraid it has nowt to do with whether you work full time, part time or stay home.

AprilLilacs · 26/04/2012 14:54

Posie, that's not true. I am NOT saying this is true of the OP, but I was abused when I was a child by someone in a position of power. That left me with (of course), massive trauma and the concept of giving birth terrified me beyond all reason. The NHS agreed I wouldn't progress if I attempted a vb and I got a c-section, no labour at all. it was the only way I could face the idea.

I wasn't sure I could BF - again, the concept of not being 'in control' of my body terrified me. In the event, I wanted to give it a try and fortunately my baby 'got the hang' of it and it went well. But when I mentioned my ambivalence about the idea to people while pregnant they reacted so sanctimonously it really knocked my confidence and happiness at the idea of becoming a mum.

I enjoyed sharing a room with my baby but would never judge anyone who didn't. There's more to being a mother than giving birth, BFing and the early first months. MANY MANY parents I know only 'hit their stride' with an older child. It's just mean to say the OP's 'maternal light is dim', what a snide thing to say.

Plenty of awful parents BF and co-sleep, plenty of brilliant ones do neither of those things.