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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

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To just hate breastfeeding?

160 replies

SpaghettiTwirlerAndProud · 16/11/2011 23:00

This is NOT an anti breastfeeding thread. Ok?

DD is 5 months old tomorrow, and quite frankly, I have had ENOUGH! I hate breastfeeding now, I hate that i'm constantly in demand 24-7, that when she's upset she only wants me as I have what she wants and no-one else does, also that no-one else can have her for a couple of hours as she won't take a bottle and is so clingy as she's been with me non-stop for 22 weeks.

I've had enough and want to stop so much :( but as she refuses bottles I don't know what else I can do! It was great at the beginning but over the past few weeks I've started to dread it when she's hungry as I know she'll feed on and off for about an hour and I won't get anything done! She's too clingy and I think this is because of the bfing, because of all the time we spend together. She'd be perfectly happy if she could be in my arms all day every day including nights.

Did anyone else ever feel like this? :(

OP posts:
coraltoes · 17/11/2011 09:50

Running,

You pick an argument to suit you then unravel the whole thing terribly. So you say a distressed mother equals a distressed baby... But a happy mother does not a happy baby make. Which is it then??? Can it only work in the negative??

OP, do what makes you happiest. I ditched BF when I cried before each feed dreading the pain. I knew that was unhealthy for me. My baby has thrived and is happy and loved.

FlamingoBingo · 17/11/2011 09:55

How are you this morning, Spaghetti?

I can so relate to those feelings. You're not alone. However, want to say to you a couple of things.

Firstly, not everyone loves breastfeeding, and beating yourself up about it (which you may or may not be doing) can make it even harder. We're set up to feel guilty about so much in parenting, based on what society says we ought to be feeling or doing, but actually what will build the strongest relationship between you and your baby (which must be the most important thing, IMO) is not self-sacrificing, which leads to resentment (as you seem to be expressing in your OP).

Secondly, I imagine that you probably wouldn't feel quite so stressed and unhappy about this if you had a choice. The feeling of being trapped can be suffocating and make everything seem a million times bigger than it is.

Thirdly, it's not the breastfeeding that's tying you to your baby, even if it feels like it is. Babies need their mothers, and they need to be very close to their mothers for the first few months. In our culture, we tend to train our babies to just learn to live without us far younger than they're set up to be, so we see other babies in our culture behaving biologically abnormally.

What you've done by breastfeeding and staying close to your baby is helped to build a really strong foundation for her - you're wonderful! But now it's suffocating you and you still have many months left, although it will get easier as time goes on, and that's terrifying.

The thing is, though, that babies sense when their mothers are tense and frustrated and it scares them. When babies feel like this, they're essentially feeling insecure, and as if they're not sure if they can trust your love and steadiness. When babies are insecure, they cling tighter. Imagine if you were on a steady ferry on a calm sea - you'd be able to walk around happily on it, unconcerned about what may happen. If it started to rock, though, you'd probably sit down and get closer to the deck. If a storm hit and the boat began to feel really unstable, you'd find something to hold on tight to.

It could well be that that is what your baby is doing. She's suckling extra because she's feeling insecure. Unfortunately, it's setting up a vicious cycle. I don't know if this link will be helpful to you, but I wrote it a while ago about older babies who are still breastfeeding. The sentiment is the same for babies of all ages though.

If you can find a way to be at peace with your baby's need for closeness with you, you may find that she begins to pick up your calmer feelings and begins to feel more secure, which will lead to her gradually being more and more happy to be apart from you. But don't push it - the more you push it, the clingier she'll get.

I really do feel for you - it is so claustrophobic when babies are clingy. Two of mine were like that. And it's scary, because we don't want to feel like that about our babies.

Thinking of you xxx

knockkneedandknackered · 17/11/2011 09:55

its very hard but you've come along way be proud of your self cant give advice about your baby coming of your breast but you have come this far so well done.

stillfeel18inside · 17/11/2011 09:55

YANBU - I hated breastfeeding my DS1 and, like you, I began to feel really trapped and resentful (which made me feel negative towards him). I remember (this is 13 yrs ago!) consciously feeling that negativity ebb away as soon as I started bottle-feeding him and it definitely got a lot easier and my relationship with him improved so much. Don't hesitate and don't feel guilty.

BadDayAtTheOrifice · 17/11/2011 09:58

BF is supposed to be enjoyable
Is it? I thought it was about nourishing and sustaining my baby. I enjoyed it rarely, mostly I just tollerated it. There were times where I hated it too but I hated the alternative even more.
Not all aspects of motherhood are enjoyable and sadly I can't stop it just because I don't enjoy it.

knockkneedandknackered · 17/11/2011 09:59

flamingo bingo thats great advice well put across.

FreudianSlipper · 17/11/2011 10:04

poor you

i did not really enjoy bf i found it so tiring and as i produced very little milk and always had to top up gave up after 8 weeks.

sorry i have no advice on how to get her onto bottles just please do not feel guilty there is nothing to feel guilty about

attheendoftheday · 17/11/2011 10:18

My DD is 6 months and wouldn't take a bottle either, whatever I tried. I wasn't in the same situation as I didn't hate bfing, but I did wish I could leave her sometimes and feel a bit resentful about the things I missed out on when I had to be with her. But it wasn't totally about the bfing, DD would want me to be around regardless of this. If I needed to get anything done DP would have to follow me round the house with DD because she'd scream if I wasn't there.

A lot's changed between 5 and 6 months - she's suddenly much happier to be left with her Daddy, and if I go out she will drink just enough expressed milk out of a bottle to not starve (DD will take the Nuk bottles with latex teat better than other types of bottle - and we tried a lot of different bottles). Now I go out once a week to a martial arts class for a few hours, and it's great. I think that my DD has only developed the confidence to be left happily because I didn't force the issue when she wasn't happy to be left (but that suits my style of parenting - I coslept for the first couple of months etc).

What I'm saying is, hang on in there, babies can change their outlook very quickly and if your DD is like mine, it might be quite soon

cocoachannel · 17/11/2011 10:21

OP, I hope you are feeling better today.

You are certainly not being unreasonable. My DD refused a bottle and we didn't get to grips with bf, so the first five months of her life were quite stressful.

She had taken expressed milk for two weeks whilst DH was on paternity leave but the HV told us to stop and when we offered a bottle a few weeks later she refused it and that was that. Giving up that expressed bottle didn't help the bfing and we ended up in a big mess.

I have to say coming on the Breast & Bottle feeding section on MN made things a lot worse for me; some posters (unintentionally I hope) made me feel guilty and a bad mother for having problems with it all. There is a lot of useful stuff on there but please filter out the unhelpful/upsetting posts. One person who continually came onto ff threads to chuck in her tuppence worth of 'what are you all doing to your children not bfing', should frankly take a running jump, but as a stressed new Mum I didn't see that it was one individual with too much time on their hands. (Sorry- my issue!)

I go back to work on Monday and I am really cross with myself that I spent so much of my time with DD, tired and stressed. If I have another child (here's hoping) he or she will be given a bottle a day from when my milk comes in. And if the expressing gets too much, then guess what? Formula will be fine.

As far as getting your DD to take a bottle, if you still want to try, I cleared our diary for three days and spent the time at home, presenting her with a bottle at every feed. When she refused it, we would take ten minutes doing something else, then breastfeed. I also let her play with the bottle outside of feed time. By the end of day two she didn't scream when I tried to give her the bottle (a vast improvement) and suddnely at lunchtime on day three she drank 100mls! By the end of that day, she took a whole feed from the bottle. I then expressed every bottle for two weeks before realising that was madness and weaning to formula over a few weeks.

KatMumsnet · 17/11/2011 10:56

Hello. We've moved your thread into 'breast and bottle feeding', as we think it's the best place for it.

MigGril · 17/11/2011 13:01

Sapg - Your focusing all of your hate's onto the way you feed your baby. If you removed the BF and still had a clingy baby who would only feed from you (yes this can happen with FF baby's) and would only want you to setal her. Would you feel any happier? It is hard being a mum and having some one completly relient on you but this is part of the job discription. I think your DD sounds like a high needs baby, pop over to the high needs thread and have a look there.

It will get easier as you'll be weaning soon and offering a cup is a good idea. It'll mean you'll be able to get a break. Oh and if it helps have a glass of wine you can drink the odd one when BF it's fine.

SpaghettiTwirlerAndProud · 17/11/2011 15:19

Thank you so much everyone for all your fantastic help and advice, I'm so happy it's not just me.

I tend to have up days, and down days, today is an up day, yesterday wasn't, hence this thread. I'm feeling more positive about it today. I'm going to try and carry on for aslong as I can and then be immensly relieved when I can give it up. I've thought about it long and hard and I reckon that because she is so close to having one big change happen in her life (weaning) I don't think trying to switch now would be the wisest thing to do.

I have tried a sling before, I hired a KariMe one from the local health centre and she hated it! She is like both me and DP, we hate to be restricted and like to be free to move around. DD also hates her carseat and pushchair, anything that restrains her is like her worst nightmare!

OP posts:
MigGril · 17/11/2011 16:22

I say slings are like coats, there is always one that fits you suits your situation best. But it's hard to find one as there arent' many places you can try them out.

A KariMe would hold her in quit tight, something like a stuctured soft carier where she can get her arms out might work better.

You've done a great job to get to 5months feeding. Like I said you should have a look at the high needs baby thread in breast and bottle feeding as your DD does fit the disciption quit well.

JamieComeHome · 17/11/2011 16:50

Good luck OP - glad you feel more positive

SirBoobAlot · 17/11/2011 17:04

Hey OP. So glad you're feeling a bit more positive today. Did try to post earlier but nice to see an update from you.

I think maybe this is more about little one being clingy than just breastfeeding. How much time are you getting to yourself? It can be quite overwhelming when you are with a little one 24 / 7, and its really easy to then blame it on breastfeeding.

It does get easier. Do you have a sling library nearby? Maybe try out a few different ones?

runningwilde · 17/11/2011 19:06

Awayinamanger - I don't agree with your analysis at all and quite frankly you can think what you like.

FWIW it's great to hear the OP is feeling more positive. At five months, baby is still going through big changes and it's natural she is clingy.

JamieComeHome · 17/11/2011 19:20

well, you wouldn't would you? your posts have been unempathic and likely to make the OP feel she has no choice - you imply the choice to stop would do damage to her baby, or be a sign she did not care sufficiently for her baby.

Others pointed out that if she decided to stop it might not solve the problem, and offered ways to help her through.

SpaghettiTwirlerAndProud · 17/11/2011 20:07

Don't worry about runnings comments jamie, I find it rather amusing that a total stranger who has never met me or DD can make judgements on how i'm apparantly making my baby feel by not wanting to carry on BFing.

OP posts:
FlamingoBingo · 17/11/2011 20:11

I've just read back all running's posts. Shock

Running - It is not about being PC, it's about being kind and compassionate. As if parenting isn't hard enough.

Spaghetti Glad to read you're having a better day today. Store up those good feelings and try and remember them next time you have a bad day xx

SpaghettiTwirlerAndProud · 17/11/2011 20:23

Sorry I forgot to reply to other comments Blush

MigGril do you know of any slings that are looser than a KariMe? Would be great if you did.

I put DD to bed around half 7, and have till 9 with DP then we go to bed, that's all the time I have to myself, and even then it's not just me on my own! I haven't had a bath since I was 36 weeks pregnant, I got stuck and had to ring DP who was downstairs to come and help me out! Good job I had my mobile with me.

And I know switching to bottles probably won't sort her clingyness but (and I know this sounds really horrible and I feel guilty typing it) at least I can force her to not be with me for a few hours!

OP posts:
organiccarrotcake · 17/11/2011 20:47

spaghetti there is a MN slings and carriers room which you may find of use - lots of experienced sling users there.

You might also find that there is a sling meet near you (www.slingmeet.co.uk) which is worth a visit to try different ones and work out ways of using what you have in different ways.

For a 5 month old I'd personally (and I'm a sling addict so bear with me here!) use a ring sling for nipping round the shops or carrying around the house (on a hip carry), a mei tai on a tummy to tummy carry (face-out carries aren't really supportive of their spines) for longer distances and I'd have my woven wrap ready for when s/he was strong enough for me to be happy with a back carry. People CAN do back carries from birth but for me I'm happiest with a back carry when they're really strong and able to sit up really well.

If you just want a good all rounder that is quite easy to use, will last until they're well into toddlerhood, can be used for front and back carries and can be used by anyone (eg your partner too), a Mei Tai is a great all-rounder.

A woven wrap is the hardest to learn but absolutely the most comfortable one to use. But a Mei Tai has a much lower learning curve and can be used from birth to toddler.

Everyone has their own preferences and these are mine, so trying different ones is likely to be more useful than taking other people's advice!!

Meglet · 17/11/2011 20:51

YANBU. I hated bf with a passion and I didn't even have sore nipples. I loathed sitting down to feed all the time and having such a random schedule. It didn't make me feel close to the dc's at all. I didn't dare use a sling to feed as I suspected I'd get sore if they weren't latched on perfectly.

I wish I'd got a double pump (I only had a normal pump) and pumped from the start so I could have swapped between bf and EBM. I'd have lasted a lot longer than 4 months that way.

organiccarrotcake · 17/11/2011 20:56

"at least I can force her to not be with me for a few hours!"

Of course you'll feel guilty saying this - but you are being honest with yourself and that is sooo important.

You can be the best mother you can be by making sure that you have the right balance of "me" and "mummy" time. Sounds like you've not got that balance and it's really affecting you. You seem to clearly know that BFing is not linked to her high needs (so ignore my PM from earlier Grin) but you need to have a way of handling those needs without it all being about your energy.

It sounds like you're working out whether to completely stop or mix feed to try to actually work out what you really want. I think you should be applauded for finding a solution rather than making yourself utterly miserable.

The thing with high needs babies is that the rule book goes out of the window. You do what you need to to manage life with a HN, whatever that is and absolutely ignoring the "rod for own back" crap. That works the other way, too, and when you need a bit of time back, do what you need to do it and this will make your relationship with your daughter stronger.

Just my opinion of course :)

JamieComeHome · 17/11/2011 21:00

I agree. Good post organic.

mamaLou13 · 17/11/2011 21:06

my dd is 16 months now and ive been exclusivley breastfeeding from day one and its the best thing i could have ever done for her but i admit sometimes its hard because obviously up until a couple of months ago i couldn't leave her at all for any lengh of time. She is very clingy and only wants me |(whcih is very sweet, im her mummy thats the way it should be).
Im finding it difficult at the moment as she wakes about 8 times through the night and only breast will settle her, so i do feel your pain but at the same time i knew what i was getting into when i had her and decided to breastfeed. It can be challanging at times but it's somthing you can't take out on her because i know it's easy to get angry with the baby but she is just acting in the way she has been conditioned to act.
I believe that you shouldn't leave the baby to cry and thats proberbly why ive still got a very clingy baby who i can't get off the breast but you really just have to decide whats best for you because only you know. Personally i wouldn't give up yet though! (o:

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