Is Winchester College is a good option for a shy child who's bullied at his current school?

[PepperPotato]

Hi all, my DS (age 11) has been offered a place at Winchester college for Year 9 entry in 2027. He has worked very hard for this and it is our top school but as the acceptance date approaches, I find myself worrying if he will become self reliant and confident enough to handle the challenges of Boarding school by the time he is 13. He is on the Autistic spectrum, is a rule follower and struggles to make friends. He's very attached to me and relies on our end of the school day conversations to make sense of the external world and his interpersonal interactions. I worry that other boys will take advantage of his trusting nature and play pranks on him that he cannot understand (it happens at his current London prep school) and that I won't be around to help him navigate whom to trust and whom to stay clear of. If anyone has/had neurodiverse children attending Winchester college, please can you help me by sharing your experiences? Thanks, I would really appreciate any helpful suggestions on how to make a decision.

I don't have experience with Winchester so feel free to ignore me as someone might come along and say the opposite, but my DD sounds very similar to your DS and she just would have never coped at boarding school. She didn't even realise she was being bullied until we realised at home, and we wouldn't have realised at boarding school. She also relied (and still does to some extent though she is older now) to make sense of conversations she has had etc and needed the time to decompress at home away from the school environment which she found very stressful.
Is there a day school closer to home you could consider? What area are you in?
Well done him on being offered a place!!

Tbh I don't he will thrive at boarding school.
Have you discussed your concerns with the school?

Thank you for your response. Yes, he has another offer from St. John's school in Leatherhead. We live in Wimbledon. He fell in love with Winchester college after our first school tour and worked towards a clear goal of securing a place there which is why I'm reluctant to disappoint him by decling the offer. The Headmistress at his current school has advised that he would do well at Winchester and that they have excellent pastoral care. We have until 3rd July to accept/decline & are hoping to hear experiences from as many parents as we can x

Thanks for your response. Yes I have discussed this at length with his current Headmistress who believes that he will thrive at Winchester and will find structure & community with like minded young boys. This is a person whose opinions I respect, hence the application to Winchester in the first place. I just wanted to hear from as many parents as I can before I make my decision.

Have you considered trying for a Y9 place in eg King’s Wimbledon? Why are you so set on him boarding?

Have you discussed your child's needs with Winchester?

He didn't clear the Kings entrance exam. We went in with an open mind about day/boarding school. We just want him to have the best education he can. Winchester is the school he liked best when we were doing our school tours and he is very keen to go. I know he will be able to thrive academically & the school offers such a wide spectrum of extra curricular opportunities. I just worry as a mum if he can cope socially x

God, the level of advocacy, support, protection, accommodation young autistic children need is daunting even if you're there with them every day. He may be great at masking now, and be apparently coping, but that doesn't mean he'll have a great time in his teenage years, or that he will come through without burnout. I usually feel boarding school is a choice (and in fact just commented on another thread that I wouldn't make rude remarks about people who sent their kids- oops!!!). But reading this makes me feel almost sick with protectiveness. I can't fathom why you would send this vulnerable young boy to boarding school.

Thank you, this is a great suggestion. He did his interview with a Boarding house master who deemed that he would be a good fit. We've been very caught up in the excitement of being accepted that I didn't think to check again if the school thought he could cope. Will do so.

I would talk to the school which arrangements are in place for young neurodiverse children/autistic children.

Tbh i wouldn't be keen on boarding. He is 13 yo. He is autistic. He is a ruler follower. He struggles to make friends and he rely on you to make sense of the external world and his interpersonal interactions.

It sounds like a disaster to me to send a boy like this to boarding school. Even he might not be bullied by other pupils he will struggle to fit in.

Boarding school works best for children who are very confident, self-reliant and good at forming connections with their peers. Their peers in many ways become like a "family" to them as tbh the adults at school have to care for many children and have limited time for them. Children who are not good at making those connections because they are less mature than their peers and have trouble reading social cues may struggle and become quite socially isolated, even if the other children are essentially nice and there is no bullying.

Where you have a child who is struggling in certain respects, the best thing you can do for them is scaffold, scaffold, scaffold, which it sounds like you are doing. Build them up, give them as many opportunities to practice their social skills as you can, discuss situations and personal boundaries, help them to decompress. You are your child's safe space - if you send him to boarding school, he loses that safe space and is on high alert the whole time.

His present school don't see what you do for him the background and what happens after school, so they won't know how important that is for him.

You can't possibly be more protective about my son than I am as his mum, but thanks for sharing your concerns. 😊 I appreciate it. The simple answer is that he really wants to go and I want to make sure that if I decide against it, it's because I'm convinced that he cannot cope. As parents, we really want to make our children's dreams come true and this is something he has worked hard for so I need to be sure before I tell him he can't go.

I have two autistic children and think boarding would be a really bad option for your DS. It is hard enough for autistic kids to try to mask their difficulties during the day at school but to have to do it all the time will likely lead to significant mental health struggles. Unfortunately for most autistic people their difficulties intensify with the onset of puberty and the more complex social interactions that develop amongst teenagers. This has certainly been the case with my DC. You have already said he is very attached to you. You need to look for a day school with good pastoral support.

I think if there was a school that might challenge your DS academically but nurture him to some degree in a boarding environment it might be Winchester. I think the general atmosphere is comparatively “gentlemanly.” However from what you have described, op, I do think you need to consider if boarding is right for his emotional and personal development. Academics aren’t everything.

I know it's not one of the schools you've mentioned, but would Hampton Court House be an option? Their registration for 13+ is still open, it's a day school with good pastoral care and great extra curricular options + results, but he could still come home to you in the evenings. Or St John's is a good school too, with again, great facilities etc. Or Ibstock Place? All would challenge him academically.

You obviously know your DS better than anyone, but as a whole it's very difficult for any headmistress to advise on boarding schools because it's to do with the child's emotional state at home, rather than academics (which he sounds like he does very well in!)

Just to add I was a border and it is an intensely “social” lifestyle. You are seldom not interacting with peers.

I enjoyed this aspect but I can imagine for someone who might spend time “ masking” it would be utterly mentally and emotionally exhausting. When would he get the downtime from fielding interactions, let alone have the opportunity to “ unpack” and interpret the interactions with you? He’d most likely even sleep with at least a handful of others. It is intense.

He's very keen to go to Winchester and it sounds like a good fit for him on paper as he's a very well mannered & intellectually curious young person. Do you think it's worth sending him there for a term to see if he can cope as it's something he so dearly wants?

Thanks for sharing, I appreciate your advice. He has his heart set on going and I'm not sure how to explain to him that he needs more familial care & support than his peers. How would explain it to yours, if you don't mind me asking?

Do you think it's worth sending him to Winchester for a term in 2027 just so he can experience it for himself? I've seen such a change in him since he got his results, he's more confident and seems a lot more engaged with school work and building life skills that will prepare him for life at boarding school. I don't want to break his confidence by telling him he cannot cope especially after he worked so hard to attain his goal. There are financial implications to pulling him out after a term but I'm willing to risk it if it means he gets a shot at trying out what he wants and then decides it's not for him rather than me deciding for him from a place of fear.

This

It's hard to say as my DC wouldn't have wanted to be away from home. In some situations I have had to talk to them about how their autism might make things more difficult than for their peers. They aren't always receptive to hearing it! One of my DC is so rigid in their thinking that they can't visualise different perspectives. Of course, all autistic people are different so there is no saying for sure that your DC wouldn't cope, although it sounds like he has struggled with relationships up to now. I think maybe start by talking to him about how he feels he would manage if he had similar difficulties to those he has experienced at his current school but he was away from home and with those peers all the time? Sometimes it's one of those decisions you have to make as a parent. Or is there a plan B where there is an alternative day school if he tries boarding and doesn't get on with it?

I would ask for a meeting with school and be 100% honest how your child's education has been so far and how his autism affects him in daily life. Winchester might have an input how to go from here.
Honestly I wouldn't have encouraged boarding school in the first place. You have set his hopes on this school and it is very difficult to say no if the school accepts him

Your boy is academically gifted but he sounds to be greatly affected by his autism diagnosis.
It is a lot to expect school, staff and peers to accommodate his needs in a meaningful way where your son is not being misunderstood and at worst bullied and lonely.

We won't have a back up plan if he decides he doesn't like boarding school after all. Maybe that's something his current Head can help us with. He does struggle with relationships and feels isolated at his current school, preferring to spend time reading in the library. He gets on brilliantly with his school mates on play dates though but only when it's one to one. I come from a family of extroverts and it's been a learning curve helping and supporting my little boy to integrate with his peers. You've given me a lot to think about, thanks for sharing your perspective.

He did try out for academically challenging day schools like St Paul's (he did not enjoy the admissions process at all and we decided it was not for him), King's (he did not clear the interview), Reed's and St John's. I am keen on St John's for pastoral care & co-education for him as it was his second choice after Winchester and he said he had a very good interaction with his peers and interviewers. But it was always Winchester that he spoke about during the entire 11+ process so I didn't have the heart to discourage him. I tend to trust his instincts hence my indecision. I'll take your advice and have an honest chat with the admissions & boarding staff at Winchester about his needs. Thank you for helping me.

Sorry I know it wasn't me you were asking, but I had a similar situation with mine. You need to present a solution/ alternative option as it were, so they don't spiral. Eg:
'DS, your dad and I have been discussing it and whilst you've done a brilliant job getting into the school, we think school XYZ might be a better fit. What was it you liked about Winchester?'
'Oh, I liked how they had ABC'
'Ah, school XYZ has that too, and you can come home to us at the end of the day as opposed to having to share with 8 different boys- this way you can have your own space away from school.'

You might find that by laying it out like this he comes to the conclusion that it's a good thing too, if it hits him he will have to move away. But 11 year olds lack the foresight to look into the future (and schools play on this very much with their open days!), since the kids are drawn in by school features and don't look at the logistics. He will be disappointed but focus on building up excitement about the other school. They adapt quickly.