Is Winchester College is a good option for a shy child who's bullied at his current school?

[PepperPotato]

Hi all, my DS (age 11) has been offered a place at Winchester college for Year 9 entry in 2027. He has worked very hard for this and it is our top school but as the acceptance date approaches, I find myself worrying if he will become self reliant and confident enough to handle the challenges of Boarding school by the time he is 13. He is on the Autistic spectrum, is a rule follower and struggles to make friends. He's very attached to me and relies on our end of the school day conversations to make sense of the external world and his interpersonal interactions. I worry that other boys will take advantage of his trusting nature and play pranks on him that he cannot understand (it happens at his current London prep school) and that I won't be around to help him navigate whom to trust and whom to stay clear of. If anyone has/had neurodiverse children attending Winchester college, please can you help me by sharing your experiences? Thanks, I would really appreciate any helpful suggestions on how to make a decision.

Oh, I wouldn’t want to imply any trickery on the OP’s part. It’s all such a fraught process, and one can lie awake night after night worrying over the tiniest little thing and how to put one foot in front of the other to achieve the best outcome.

Like others here, I’m not sure the current Head sounds terribly … reliable. I hope they weren’t entirely driven by their Leavers List, to the possible detriment of individual pupils.

At the erm … school where boys have their own rooms - we chose our preferred housemaster based partly on the fact that he did endeavour to have a quiet word with every individual boy in his house at the close of the day. But with fifty boys per house it can only have been a couple of minutes with each. (Obviously if anyone under his care needed more time they would get it.) Trouble is, HMs do move on …

He sounds excellent.

I'd be very hesitant to send an autistic child to any boarding school. Possibly the odd flexiboarding at most. To be honest, I probably wouldn't send my autistic son to St John's either, though it's a very good school in many ways, and the pastoral care is excellent. What about somewhere like Freemen's (in Ashtead) or RGS Guildford? Great academics, but nice day schools, and less emphasis on sport.

@PepperPotato I have a DS currently at Winchester. I can't comment on whether the school would be the right one for your DS, but I can tell something of our experience of the school.

Winchester has a reputation for suiting less extrovert quirky children, and based on our experience I think this is true. I've found that the pupils are respectful to each other and readily accommodate individual differences - whether someone is interesting to have a conversation with seems far more important to the pupils than whether someone is socially adept. DS claims "there are no extroverts at Winchester" - I'm sure this isn't strictly true, but I've certainly see very little rowdy behaviour. It's certainly a gentler environment by far than my older DS's day school, which for all its positives has a very alpha male culture.

I'm sure some bullying does occur because it does in every school, but it hasn't figured on DS's radar at all (either as direct experience or hearsay) - again in contrast to my older child's school. Sweeping generalisations that all boarding school pupils are bullied by other pupils and staff are just as unhelpful as sweeping generalisations that no bullying ever happens...

There seem to be quite a high proportion of ND pupils at Winchester. Of the ones I know personally, some seem to be thriving and others struggle more with communal life but seem happy to remain at the school. Group extracurricular activities are encouraged, but there are plenty of options for those who prefer more solitary pursuits. It seems to be regarded as pretty normal for pupils to prefer their own company at times. Social cliques don't seem to be a big thing - I get the impression from DS that the social mix is more fluid with boys hanging out with different people at different times depending on who is doing something that interests them. Social events with other schools are available but not compulsory, and there is no stigma associated with not attending. Accommodation is in large dorms for at least the first year or two, and after that it varies by house - for example in my DS's house boys are in shared twin rooms by Year 11 and single rooms in sixth form.

It's worth bearing in mind that in addition to the full weekend exeats (Friday lunchtime to Sunday evening) every 3 weeks, pupils can also go home during the day on Sundays, typically from late morning until 9.00pm. Most of the pupils who live close enough to the school do go home on Sundays, especially in the lower years - there is a big exodus by train for those living in London.

Although you need to accept the Winchester place now, unless the procedure has changed drastically since we went through it, you don't need to commit any serious money until the autumn of Year 8. So if your finances allow, one option would be to accept the place now and wait and see how your DS develops over the next year or so before making a final decision. In the meantime, I can recommend attending offer-holder events and Wykeham Day in the summer term to get a better feel for the school and the pupils. Please do feel free to DM me if there is anything else you'd like to know.

Why does he want to board?
What is it about boarding that appeals to him so much?
The kids that I know with autism (obviously not all kids!) don't enjoy being away from home that much. Is this something that he does enjoy?

He's done really well to get into the school, you must be very proud of him.

I would be nervous of any plan that is based on letting him try for a term or two and then pulling him out if it’s not working.

As pp says that’s really not going to be great for his self esteem.

But also, knowing the SW London day school scene, I would not expect to be able to get a place elsewhere half way through year 9 at short notice. And moving later than half way through year 9 is problematic as kids have chosen their GCSEs and been timetabled in. Year 10/11 obviously even more problematic.

Haven't RWT but have read all your posts, @PepperPotato ..
Firstly, congratulations to your son for earning a Winchester place. It sounds as though you have the right school academically but that boarding might be wrong for your DS. I say this as a full boarding parent since Y4 so in no way hostile to boarding school.
Would you consider relocating to Winchester? They are admitting day boys now so you could potentially have the combination of WinColl during the day and home in the evening.
Winchester is not known for fabulous pastoral care and I'm not confident that as a boarder they would give him the scaffolding that you do- or even spot a problem. There are more forms of bullying than the overt, physical variety and I think you must be right to worry.

I recognise that your son could be really disappointed not to go there if his heart is set on it, but as parents you have to exercise your loving judgement about what is in his interests. What does your gut tell you?

Is this from year 9? Or only 6th form?!

My autistic DC sounds similar and expressed a strong desire to go to boarding school. I talked openly to them about the reasons I didn’t feel it was the best option for them. Over time, they were able to understand this.

Maintaining my child’s mental health through adolescence and into adulthood is my absolute priority. It’s a rough ride for any teen but autistic teens are particularly vulnerable.

I stand to be corrected. @Calliopespa but I think the plan was to start with 6th form then introduce through the lower school. There have always been a few day pupils in any case, it was more a question of increasing the proportion (I think to 20%).

@PepperPotato I also think it's risky to rely on Prep advice about senior schools if you are hesitating between schools with differing levels of prestige. Being able to point to Winchester, Eton, Westminster etc as leavers' destinations is important for attracting new pupils. Your Head should of course think only of what's in the best interests of the child, but the temptation to assume the best for a pupil who might head to Winchester must be strong.

I really hesitated before saying this-but it’s another bit of anecdotal evidence that you can, of course, ignore! My godson was badly bullied at Winchester. Not physically, but racially, verbally and emotionally. He was bullied at prep school, and we all thought that moving to public school would
end it. Unfortunately, one of the main perpetrators from his prep school moved to Winchester with him and it carried on-with more boys getting involved. In my opinion, the school were pretty ineffectual-they seemed to take a “boys will be boys-he should toughen up and give as good as he gets” approach. As I said, just one experience so feel free to ignore. But I wouldn’t send a remotely vulnerable child there.

This. The last paragraph. My ds is nearly 16 and you cannot underestimate how important being with their mother each evening in a safe space is. I've always believed the best education is critical crucial and the most important thing you can do for your child.

Until I had a teenage boy and now their mental health,safety and security takes priority over that.

Yikes. OP: This sounds like a recipe for disaster. It's really easy to be wowed by the place, the offer and the attraction. I have no personal experience of the College but know of a lot of boys who attend from our prep who had a mix of positive and quite indifferent experiences. Bullying happens - even at Winchester!

Just remember that they are businesses at the end of the day and want your £££ - they will say anything to get you in, knowing that parents are not likely to move school once the child is in. It's hard to do at the best of times, particularly if trying to move back to the state sector where places are tight after the VAT charge.

A lot of these schools (including Winchester) also reject very few kids as they can't afford empty spaces. The selectivity is therefore a bit of an illusion. I don't want to burst the bubble, but nearly everyone who is interviewed is accepted either directly or following a place on a waiting list.

In summary: you know what's best for the child and trust your own instincts. On a different day, your child may well have come away feeling the opposite. Don't be blinded by the brand name or the perceived prestige.

OP have you read some of the threads on here about Winchester? Honestly, it’s easy to be caught up in the beauty of a place, but all boarding schools are institutions in which kids have to look out for themselves because no one is going to do it for them. They will always be one of 20 in a class, 50 or 60 in a boarding house or 12 in a tutor group. The teachers all have competing responsibilities and not enough time. Boys will always be a bit feral in that environment and there is nowhere safe that is just your own. Maybe disabuse your son of the reality of boarding, then see if he changes his own mind.

OP I don’t envy the decision you have to make and I think the very fact you have posted your concerns on MN suggests that you have very significant doubts about Winchesters suitability for your DS. I really would choose very carefully the house they are in, this really does make a difference….think of boarding houses as similar to university halls of residence…there was always the cool, wealthy, beautiful party floor, the childish floor, the goody two shoes / geeky floor and the middle of the road floor etc.

It is y9 he will go into, do you can give it a try and if he is really struggling you need to be able pull him out immediately and move schools….ignore what everyone says on here….if you can pay they will take your son….schools need the £££££ and bums on seats regardless ! The only people in my opinion that would struggle to change schools mid-year are those needing fee remission. I wish you DS the very best wishes, it is better to have tried something and decide it’s not for you…..you will only damage your DS if you ignored his needs I.e if he says he wants to come home and you say no. Good luck

Every child is unique. I would strongly suggest sending your DS to Winchester if this is what he dearly wants, but then listen closely for any signs of disruption and be prepared to look for a Plan B if it does not work out.

Your son's life will not be irreperably damaged if he doesn't enjoy boarding and you switch schools after a couple of terms. If anything, he will know that you listened to his wish to board, and then responded to the problems he faced.

However, if you deny him the opportunity to do something he really wants to try he will never have this chance again, which could be a shame. Just make sure you are vigilent for any signs of upset or that things are not working out for him emotionally.

Good luck.

I strong disagree. This is not a taster. It is signing up permanently, with a term’s notice. So on day one you are on the hook until Easter (financially at least and it can take that long to organise another school). If they give up the place at their chosen day school, there is no guarantee of getting it back a term later. They need to do what they can to make an informed choice ahead of time. Primarily that is whether boarding is right for this little boy, but it’s also about not being blown away by marketing and getting a real feel for what he’d actually be doing during the course of a week. Schools like this have an impressive list of extracurricular offerings, but the majority just play football or other things that are available at any school.

There’s a big difference between a neurotypical child and an autistic child discovering boarding is not for them. How they process and articulate it. How long they can cope with staying while alternative arrangements are found. Starting boarding in a new environment without a close-knit group of friends and when you struggle to make friends is an extremely lonely and isolating experience.

It’s also important to think about what it would
do to his self esteem to do a term and not be able to handle it. And what damage could be done in a term. And what it would be like joining another school late. This really is a situation where the parent HAS to make the choice for him.

I have a DS who went to a prep which sent boys to Winchester, including a lad with autism two years below him, who has thrived, and a boy with ADHD. Our prep used to recommend Winchester for clever but quirky kids. It’s one of the few boys schools where quite niche interests can thrive. Talk to the school about their experience of neurodivergent kids - it should reassure you.

Sorry OP I wouldn’t be sending him. My very NT who is highly social found it tough (did years 9-11 then came back home for 6th form) and from the things she told me, I’d be highly reluctant to recommend boarding to anyone, let alone someone who may struggle to fit in. A happy child is worth a million times more than a bunch of a* results. Honestly. Find a nice day school nearby.

The things that stuck out for me is that your son really wants to go. Have you explored WHY he wants to go? Does he know what it would actually entail beyond the buildings he saw at open day? Maybe get him to run through what he thinks a typical day might involve, and see if it matches up with reality. Does he realise that he will literally never get a chance to be on his own unless he's in the toilet, and even then he'll have other kids in the bathroom. There'll probably never be a time that he's in his bedroom on his own. I say this from experience of boarding myself since 2000. Does he realise that a lot of his evening will be planned out for him, with prep in a designated room, that he won't be able to leave until the prep time is finished? And possibly compulsory activities some days? There are lots of things about boarding that I really thrived on, but the complete lack of non social down time I did find very hard.

Winchester was my DS’s first choice for a long time too. He is not ND but he is very shy. He liked the old buildings, the library, the housemaster he met, that there were lots of clever boys with niche interests, and most of all, that you did not have to play rugby!

For various reasons I ended up having to steer him away from WC and he’s now going to the school where everyone has their own room. It required a rather awkward reverse ferret from me for a while but it ended up fine. Ten and eleven year olds are not old enough to make these decisions - they get fixated on small things and cannot see the bigger picture.

I agree WC is one of the boarding schools better suited to academic ND boys, relatively speaking. However from what you have described, I can’t see it working. There is very little privacy or alone time and they cannot spend hours on the phone to their mum every evening. Some of the HMs (and matrons) are great but they each have 60 boys to deal with and they don’t have a lot of time to spend with each one every day. You can also get lucky and find like-minded souls in your house in your year (and hence your dorm) - or you might not.

I don’t think his current HM is much use in this decision and nor is the WC HM. The latter has only met him twice and will have seen a certain side of him which might not be representative of how he is at other times. You need to make this call, tough though it is.

Perspective… your son is not the reason he was bullied.

The bullies are the reason.

I’ve seen previously bullied boys thrive at boarding … yes, there can be bullies, but the consequences are IMO more consequential at boarding. Getting sent home, being kept in study rooms during weekend, losing privileges.

Housemasters have seen if all, & usually aware. But your son needs to know he must communicate with you, or housemaster.

Winchester an excellent school - he wants to go, let him go. Keeping him at home does not eliminate other boys ….
Him going highly selective school of his choice - best for him.

Have you considered Hampton? More academic than St Johns but probably still commutable from your location.

Even if you have missed the admissions cycle if you call and explain the situation: autism diagnosis, place at Winchester but concerned about boarding then they may well be able to help.

Also why not move him earlier than year 9 if he isn't that happy at his prep school?