Is Winchester College is a good option for a shy child who's bullied at his current school?

[PepperPotato]

Hi all, my DS (age 11) has been offered a place at Winchester college for Year 9 entry in 2027. He has worked very hard for this and it is our top school but as the acceptance date approaches, I find myself worrying if he will become self reliant and confident enough to handle the challenges of Boarding school by the time he is 13. He is on the Autistic spectrum, is a rule follower and struggles to make friends. He's very attached to me and relies on our end of the school day conversations to make sense of the external world and his interpersonal interactions. I worry that other boys will take advantage of his trusting nature and play pranks on him that he cannot understand (it happens at his current London prep school) and that I won't be around to help him navigate whom to trust and whom to stay clear of. If anyone has/had neurodiverse children attending Winchester college, please can you help me by sharing your experiences? Thanks, I would really appreciate any helpful suggestions on how to make a decision.

Wouldn't he do fine in life at a local day school? If he can't access all the add ons that pupils at places like Winchester normally benefit from,what is the point?

My daughter is on the autistic spectrum and went to a nearby school to you - Blossom House, which is as far away from Winchester as you could get. But I knew children who had gone there after catastrophic experiences in mainstream schools. Same goes for Canbury in Kingston.

I used to work in a sendiass team and we had several cases of autistic children refusing school, having a terrible time, and the parents ending up having to sort out the most incredible mess.

I hope this doesn't happen to your son, but autism is a high risk factor for things collapsing. These children need an environment which suits them. Many autistic children would love a school like Winchester. Others won't.

I think what I'm saying is that if you go for Winchester, be incredibly vigilant and willing to change direction if needed, rather than stick at it and hope everything works out.

I suppose everyone is different but I can't get my head round how you'd think boarding school would even be an option for your child.
If he's got his heart set on this school it has to have come from somewhere, can't you give him ideas of places that would suit his needs much better as his parents?

If he wants badly to go and has worked hard for it, let him go. If you don’t, you and he will always wonder “what if”. If it doesn’t turn out to be the right fit, then you can move him to a day school. The Admissions Head at Winchester spoke at my son’s prep school a few years ago and said every year there will be two or three boys who decide they don’t like it and leave (ha also said they are always boys who only went there because their parents insisted).

I think if someone spends their life wondering ‘what if’ they’d gone to Winchester, then there’s much bigger problems going on. The boy is only 11. He doesn’t know anything about the educational landscape beyond what his parents and prep have led him towards. They can very easily get him past any Winchester regret and get some broader perspective if they were so inclined. The idea that an 11yo knows what’s best for him in this situation is bizarre to me. The parents need to take much more responsibility for making the decision and not put so much on him or on the school. As pp said, it’s not like he’s even happy where he is so surely the first step is to move him somewhere now where he’s not being bullied. No wonder he’s ‘got his heart set on’ going to this fantastical future place far away from his current school but it would be better if he could enjoy living in the now as an 11yo really should be doing.

Choosing to leave a school because you don’t like it (eg not enjoying prep on Saturday nights, poor chemistry with the housemaster, or general rebelling against public school ethos etc) is completely different from HAVING to leave because you cannot cope with it.

Knowing the leadership at WC of a few years ago I suspect that they would not mention the latter category of boy.

OP’s son might think he desperately wants to go there now but he can’t change who he is. If he lacks the capacity to independently form and navigate robust social relationships in an intensely independent and social boarding environment, then he is going to struggle. WC know how to develop academic capability but they can’t change who he is either and (while like every school they will have an anti bullying policy) they can’t MAKE boys be friends with him. If it goes badly, and there is a high risk it will, it could have a disastrous life long effect on his self esteem and confidence.

Provided OP takes great care over the choice of wherever else he does go (a day school seems like the best option to allow him to decompress and access more support from you), there will be no what ifs. In two years’ time he won’t be able to imagine being anywhere else, and he and his family will all be able to have a giggle about the idea he might have gone to WC.

Also remember if he insists in going to WC and ends up dropping out, he will carry the guilt of that decision as well as the shame.

I don’t agree @TheCricketers there is no shame in trying something and finding you don’t like it or it’s not supporting you in the ways you need. However I get your point that it could become something shameful if those around DC make it so by making them feel like a failure. My DC starts one of the big public schools in September and i have been absolutely clear with him that if he hates it he can leave with no shame or guilt as I would rather him try something rather than always wonder. Similar to the OPs DC my son’s choice of a boarding school is driven by him and whilst he does not have the same needs as the OPs DC as a parent I am apprehensive for him however I would not stop him based on my apprehension. If my DC were to leave because in the end it wasn’t for him I’d say well done for being brave enough to give it a try and kudos to them for being able to say this isn’t for me, giving reasons why and then leaving - that in my view is not allowing them to quit but allowing them to explore, push their comfort zones and knowing that no matter what their parents will support them.

@Floatingthrough

I also promised my son before his first term at boarding school that if he hated it he could leave at Christmas, no regrets. Boarding school is not right for everyone. But it was clear within the first week that he was loving it, as I thought he would. We chose the school very very carefully to suit him. Plus, although shy and unusual in some ways, he is neurotypical, had never been bullied, loved the novelty, the companionship, busyness and independence, found the work a breeze and made friends quickly, which is crucial.

OP’s son, on the other hand, is autistic and as OP tells it, needs a kind of support that just does not exist at mainstream boarding schools. This is not like attempting a marathon and dropping out before the end because you’re knackered. It’s more like jumping into a swimming pool when you can’t swim.

@TheCricketers I suppose the point is only the OP really knows their situation and I respect your view and I’m sure you’re right it’s just so tough as a parent to take a dream away but as you say it may be catastrophic for the OPs DS and I’m not advocating that.

@Floatingthrough OP has come here asking for advice and opinions… we only have what she says to go on.

I think that marathon / swimming pool analogy is very compelling. Hope OP absorbs that before making a decision.

Yes I thought that was a brilliant post from @TheCricketers

OP I would think very carefully before you consider sending your DS to Winchester, the pastoral care is really not fit for purpose. It will vary from house to house but our experience has not been good.There was very little oversight in our house. We had a change of housemaster during our time, the current housemaster is even more ineffective than the last. The old housemaster was clearly disinterested as he was in his final years as HM. A few boys suffered in our house and others were just left to flounder.,DS knows of others across the school, unlike most schools Winchester don’t have an effective strategy in place.

You will have to keep on top of things if you want your son to achieve A / A at A level, their results were disappointing last year. Less than half the school achieved straight A or A which rules out the best courses at university.
TeachIng is not good in all subjects, you may have noticed that the school did not publish a breakdown on their website this year.

It might be worth reading some of the old threads on Winchester, I would definitely take the advice of your current Headmaster with a pinch of salt. You have received some good advice on this thread and I would advise you to look at other options. I wish your DS all the best for his future.

PM me. There may have been improvements under the new Head .... my son went and it was the worst decision I have ever made as a parent.

DS left last year, we didn’t see any positive changes.

...definitely no improvement under this Head...and very disappointing results last year.

OP, I don’t usually post on threads regarding Winchester College as it too painful for me , II read this thread and felt I had to urge you to rethink. My darling son attended Winchester, we now have to live with the devastating consequences of our decision. The lack of care our son received is hard to comprehend. My son didn’t have SEND but he did need basic care just as all teenagers do. I hope you find an alternative for your son, they are so precious.

@KatieB79 Sorry to hear. Is he OK now? Are you able to say a bit more about the pastoral care he did/didn’t get??

I think it’s obvious from her post that it’s he is not ok , I’m sure that you wouldn’t want to compound her pain and grief.

I just read the first few responses and really felt bad for you. I wanted to say that autistic children can actually flourish at boarding school - the structure and rigidity of the after school can be a real blessing in some cases. I also have a dd who boards and many of her friends are Autistic or ADHD - they do tend to flock together and it is likely he will find his group. Don't write it off, but make sure he knows it is a process about learning the rules and once he is set he will feel a lot calmer. These days they have email and mobiles to contact you - so usually get their tech for an hour or two in the evenings. He can still talk to you every day, just at set times, which might actually make it more regular and comforting anyway, as I say.

The college haven’t published their 2025 exam results.

Surely no one has properly published their exam results for 2025 yet? There will be remarks still in progress and it’s the school holidays. Winchester have published their headline results though, in line with pretty much every other school I have looked at.

Where have they published them @AlohaRose ? I can find every other school but not Winchester.

But there are schools for young people who are well-mannered and intellectually curious that don't require boarding! Do you honestly think he would cope with being around other young people 24/7 (even in his sleep)? He may well have liked the school, the lessons, the teachers he met. The school probably felt he would cope based on their interactions with him when he visited, but has he tried out any boarding, or was the observation mainly classroom-based? All independent schools are feeling the pinch - even Winchester. They need bums on seats. If your son had a good day when he visited they will be keen to make it work because they need to fill places and he's clearly sufficiently able academically, but I'd be asking them how boys with ASD cope in their boarding settings, how they meet their needs etc.

For some reason, Winchester and Eton, appear to be the only boarding schools that have not published their GCSE or A level results.

Boarding ASD/ADHD/ND children is a terrible idea, you have absolutely no clue how he’s being looked after, or if he’s receiving MH support he would need throughout each and every day - honestly it pains me why people pay strangers to bring up their kids, let alone those with special needs whose condition will likely change during puberty, will need help when overwhelmed / stressed / dis regulated etc … just send him to a day school