Is Winchester College is a good option for a shy child who's bullied at his current school?

[PepperPotato]

Hi all, my DS (age 11) has been offered a place at Winchester college for Year 9 entry in 2027. He has worked very hard for this and it is our top school but as the acceptance date approaches, I find myself worrying if he will become self reliant and confident enough to handle the challenges of Boarding school by the time he is 13. He is on the Autistic spectrum, is a rule follower and struggles to make friends. He's very attached to me and relies on our end of the school day conversations to make sense of the external world and his interpersonal interactions. I worry that other boys will take advantage of his trusting nature and play pranks on him that he cannot understand (it happens at his current London prep school) and that I won't be around to help him navigate whom to trust and whom to stay clear of. If anyone has/had neurodiverse children attending Winchester college, please can you help me by sharing your experiences? Thanks, I would really appreciate any helpful suggestions on how to make a decision.

Whilst it's financially a burden you can accept both places for now and see nearer the time. Or you are surrounded by schools so if boarding doesn't work out then you will be able to find a day school place even if it's somewhere transient like ACS Cobham.

The most important factor in boarding being successful is if your son really wants the school, which it sounds like he does. Also, this isn’t a prison sentence: if he isn’t enjoying Winchester, you can move him somewhere else. Let your son go for it!

If you send him there for a term but he doesn’t fit in, will he not take that as a big defeat?

I have a very similar child. I went to Winchester and another couple of boarding schools to check them out. I could not send him there. Too much pressure to be social. Sure they can go to the library as much as they want but the library is not why one goes to Winchester.
i wonder whether it’s time to talk to your child about all this? I talk very openly to him about his quirks and needs and differences, it helps find the right path for him.
i think you made a mistake focussing/channeling his attention on Winchester, mine would now think that I think that’s the perfect school for him, or he himself that that’s the only great school for him.

Bear in mind you will be able to speak to him by phone in the evenings, it is not as if he would be completely cut off from you.

Definitely worth speaking to the housemaster too

I think you're right to be worried. A day school where he could get time away to have downtime and family support would be a better option.

Our son is normally gregarious and enjoyed boarding at his prep school He boards 4 nights a week now at an 11+ school and it has been a struggle. He has found it surprisingly hard to fit in as the kids have quite different interests to him which we had anticipated but it's been harder than we thought. Typically he phones me 3 times a day - in the morning, after school and in the evening. Sometimes it's only for 10 seconds. Just to check in. He just needs to know I am there for him. But it certainly hasn't been easy.

The great thing about boarding school from a child’s perspective is you spend 24/7 with your friends. The downside of boarding school from a child’s perspective is you spend 24/7 with your friends. As others have said, it’s intensely social. Schools can put a lot of effort into making sure that children are constantly occupied in group activities and a boarding house can intensify that.

Personal experience in my family of boarders and boarding with (undiagnosed in our case) autism: one who coped (but really struggled) and one who didn’t. There is a huge amount of structure that can be very helpful. It was the constant community “on” button that caused issues for the one who didn’t cope together with that community’s lack of understanding/tolerance of the different way they interact with people. No judgment there as no-one knew at the time, but teenagers are not very tolerant of difference.

However… I do know people with ND children who have coped well at Winchester. I would definitely talk through your son’s needs with the school. If nothing else they should know what your son’s needs are before he goes, if he goes.

If you are SW London/Surrey, which I guess you are based on school choices, is there any possibility your son could be a day boy at Winchester and get the train? It’s a long commute, but the length and complexity of private school commutes in that part of the world never ceases to amaze me, and there’s a direct line from Winchester to London. Again that can be a lot at the end of a day for an autistic child and you’d have to think it through carefully (what happens if trains aren’t running etc) but might be an alternative?

As someone who boarded throughout my education, I wouldn’t send a child with the personality/characteristics you describe to boarding school at all, never mind Winchester

You can’t turn it down without his agreement, so I think you have to go ahead and give it a try. I think it is important to tell him that he can leave if he is unhappy.

This.

My husband is nearly 70 and went to boarding school. He still remembers and talks about it with horror. He was a shy introverted child who didn't connect with peers. Boarding school was the utterly worse place for someone like that.

As a pp saud it's great for outgoing confident children who connect well and have many interests.

Why you are even considering sending your vulnerable shy child to board is utterly beyond ne. There must be many excellent day schools where yiu are.

St John's is an excellent school according to lots of friends with DC there. Really kind and with a good culture. It's still a prestigious school (if that's your thing) with very good results. So many schools near you, I'm not sure I see the need to board, especially when it seems a risk it won't work out.

How about day school for now and aiming for Winchester for sixth form? (If they accept new starters for sixth form?)

I wouldn’t overestimate how much this will be possible. Boarding has very, very structured days and much of this is designed to keep them off phones etc.

Yes, for a quick update but not full debriefs that’s might require “ unpacking” or “ decoding.” That’s very different from: “hi mum. Yup all good. Can you send more sports socks? Yup the white ones. Yup. Love you. Bye.”

It’s a tricky one op. Do you know yet exactly which Housemaster he will have?

That might be a compromise op? Could you ask about a deferral?

I want to say “ yes go for it,” because I do think it’s a fabulous offer and school so I see why you are both keen, but truthfully it sounds as though he is - at least currently - needing more one to one support than he is likely to get.

I have NT Dc but even then I know every so often something happens and they need to “ unpack.” The thing is they aren’t ( maybe none of us are) quick to get to the point! At first you chose the wrong snack and that’s why they are a bit grumpy. Then they have remembered it is their least favourite prep that night and THAT’s why they are actually grumpy. Then finally it turns out Anna handed out party invitations and they didn’t get one and need to talk. Cue tears, cuddles etc before feeling better. Usually by 13 children are starting to learn how to absorb blows by themselves, or how to process them with friends in lieu of parents; but I’m just worried your little boy might not be as quick to reach that point in time for boarding at 13? There’s just so much that goes on in a young person’s life that is more than just what they studied in class.

I’d send for a term or two and assess. I know of other boys who sound very similar in nature who are going there. Remember it is an academically selective, and quite large, school. He will not be the only clever boy on the spectrum there and might very well have an easier time finding boys just like him there than at a smaller, less selective school.

I think it’s so hard - I find my autistic daughter herself sometimes determine what does or doesn’t work out - and so if he’s determined to make it work he may manage better than expected. How flexible is boarding at Winchester e.g. if it’s a school where a lot of them come home every weekend that could work well for him.

I’d want to understand rooming arrangements, including whether they can pair him with similar children (so the room isn’t the default hang out spot) for example. If you can afford to accept Winchester and St Johns that would seem a good insurance - to see how he develops
as he hits puberty and where he will be happiest.

I wouldn’t send a child that had been bullied to boarding at all. That said, you can always change school if he found out he doesn’t like boarding.

Yes, she can!

I have an 18 year old with ASD and I think secondary school is really hard no matter where you go, ds spent most of his time in the library at his comp. For that reason, and because he is so keen to go there, I think you have to give it a chance.

However this is a kid that is likely to need to decompress after being social for much of the day - and a dorm is not going to provide that. I know DS would then and still now hate living in a dorm - how does yours feel about that? Would he be able to/want to come home every weekend or would that just make things more difficult?

I think you need a firm back up plan though so he knows he has an alternative if it doesn't work out, I also think you need to consider how you will handle it if he loves the school and the lessons but just hates the boarding aspect of it.

Has he never spent a night there? Most boarding schools I know of have ‘taster’ weekends either before application or after acceptance but before starting to attend, to give children a flavour of what the school is like.

It sounds from what you say as if the only reason you’re still considering Winchester is because your child seems enthusiastic about it, despite the fact that literally everything else you say about him sounds as if he’s an unusually poor candidate for likely happiness as a boarder. Does he realise how few the opportunities will be for him to retreat to the library while boarding, and how forced into daylong contact with his peers he will be? How little decompression time there is?

One of DS’s most confident, extrovert friends, with an older brother already at his school, started boarding last September, and really struggled. And the son of a friend was involved in a really nasty ongoing night-time bullying situation (as one of the perpetrators, not the victim) a few years ago.

He will have worked hard to achieve this offer. He has had to do lots of exam preparation, sit multiple exams and go to interviews (some of which he has not got through) and then after all this and succeeding in achieving his goal, his mum tells him that he isn’t going because he might not manage.

Every time there is any blip at the alternative school, it will be OP’s fault for not letting him go to the school of his choice.

So yes, OP can tell him he can’t go without getting his agreement but it would not be fair on him or good for their relationship.

This is true op. The boys will all be very bright and aren’t known for particularly loutish behaviour.

It’s more whether he’s the type to be happy being academically stimulated and maybe just not right at the beating heart of things socially - in which case he’d probably rub along fine - or whether he will still need that sort of daily processing and downtime you have outlined, in which case it’s a parent, and not a school, that is required nightly.

ETA maybe accept with a back-up for now and see how he develops provided you can afford to possibly lose a deposit. I’d also start to discuss the possibility of a deferral to sixth form ( if the school agree). It may be when the time actually comes he will be pleased of that compromise.

I have an high achieving autistic 11yo DS and boarding would be out of the question for us. But, he would clearly articulate that! We are going for a selective grammar which is a short walk from our house; he needs as much decompression time as possible, and turned down a wonderful school a journey away as it wasn’t in his best interests.

If your son is keen to go and wants to board, you should send him for a term and see how he gets on. You would break his heart by not doing so. You have shown him the school, he has followed the rules, working hard to pass the exam. It’s completely unfair to break your side of the agreement now. I am thinking of autistic rule following/social justice, he will struggle to comprehend you pulling out on such an opportunity.

I do agree there are likely to be other autistic children at the school, given its highly selective nature. You need to discuss this with the school in detail.

If he really wants to go then perhaps you could try it for a year, and rather than talking to him about coping/not coping, frame it as an opportunity for him to try boarding school life and then decide whether to continue or not- you’d need a plan B in case he does decide to leave, but at least it won’t be treated as “success” or “failure” and instead an opportunity to try something new.

I think giving it a term’s trial and letting him know that would be a good option. For my autistic son I am his safe place to vent and let his built up emotions out. Emotional regulation is key for autistic children and I agree with a previous poster about the importance of decompression time. To be absolutely honest, children are unfortunately ‘good’ at sussing out vulnerable children and there is a chance that he will again be the subject of bullying. It is a shame because intellectually it sounds as if the school is a good fit and given that he is very keen on it, I would plump for a term to see how he gets on, however look at other day school options which would also suit him.