Is Winchester College is a good option for a shy child who's bullied at his current school?

[PepperPotato]

Hi all, my DS (age 11) has been offered a place at Winchester college for Year 9 entry in 2027. He has worked very hard for this and it is our top school but as the acceptance date approaches, I find myself worrying if he will become self reliant and confident enough to handle the challenges of Boarding school by the time he is 13. He is on the Autistic spectrum, is a rule follower and struggles to make friends. He's very attached to me and relies on our end of the school day conversations to make sense of the external world and his interpersonal interactions. I worry that other boys will take advantage of his trusting nature and play pranks on him that he cannot understand (it happens at his current London prep school) and that I won't be around to help him navigate whom to trust and whom to stay clear of. If anyone has/had neurodiverse children attending Winchester college, please can you help me by sharing your experiences? Thanks, I would really appreciate any helpful suggestions on how to make a decision.

Of course they aren’t known for their loutish behaviour, but bullying happens in all schools.

I would agree with what others have said. Boarding is busy and loud and even for our active, outgoing , friendly, gregarious son it was overwhelming at first. He needed to find quiet places where he could sit and relax on his own. I'm not sure how it would work for a more sensitive child.

Yes it absolutely does.

I guess he is going to choose somewhere though … I hadn’t thought homeschooling was on the cards, hence my comment that it’s probably one of the better schools on that front.

I’m not bullishly pushing op into boarding; I’ve said very clearly above I think she needs to consider other options and that nightly returns to home base can be very valuable.

I think this post is very wise and reflects my experience with my ASD DS too. Especially at just 11, you must know that what 'he has his heart set on' is coming from you and you can influence that positively towards what's really the best fit for him. No way would my DS cope with boarding and he's less sensitive than yours by the sounds of it and hasn't endured bullying, but he needs his own space after school to decompress and he needs us and the scaffolding that his home routine brings. Just because you've set DS on a path of sitting entrance exams and touring schools that creates a certain expectation, especially in a mind that can be quite fixed, doesn't mean it's not possible - and in fact a valuable development - to have plans evolve. And what has he really fallen for at Winchester anyway in truth? A building and a fantasised future, those aren't the things you should be basing this on more than the reality of who you know he is. And it is your decision, not his. He's only 11 and you can't let him take the lead on this any more than you would if he had his heart set on vaping and parkour.

As long as you communicate clearly, he would adjust to another plan, just as he'd have to if you couldn't afford boarding or he didn't get the desired place. You might find he'd soon be repeating the new logic of not boarding and be counting his lucky stars that he's still at home instead of facing the reality of being away, growing up with all those other kids at a tricky stage without you.

Of course he was excited by the school. He was 10 /11 and the facilities and the campus are both amazing. It doesn't mean that he has the ability to judge whether he will be able to cope in such a setting. That's for you as a parent to decide.

From your description, I would realise now that this probably isn't going to work but you at least still have time to find somewhere that suits him. I'm afraid that I would disregard the excitement and make a decision based on his needs. He's obviously very bright and hardworking. Autism and adolescence can be very tricky ( I've been there x2) and you've already described a child who doesn't seem to be thinking flexibly and needs your reassurance.That isnt necessarily going to change much. Don't underestimate how much they need you in the teenage years, despite what they might say.Every child with autism is an individual and some will cope better than others but even giving him a trial term, as others have suggested, could go very wrong.
I think you should look for a good day school.

I'm a bit surprised you haven't thought to discuss in detail his needs with the school before accepting. I think that's really key here.
And from what you said in your OP I am not sure this is the best fit for your DS but I don't know the school.

Op, his headmistress, who I assume knows DS and his needs, thinks he will thrive at Winchester and has “advised that he would do well … and that they have excellent pastoral care.” No boarding school wants its children to be unhappy. Your DS is clearly up to the academic mark if they have offered him a place, and he seems keen to go there. I wouldn’t hesitate.

Although he's been bullied at her school so I wouldn't set that much store by her knowing what's best for him. She could be the sort who thinks boys thrive by taking it on the chin and building resilience. Plus ASD kids can mask all day and be different at home so she wouldn't necessarily know his needs all that well.

… and, being cynical, many schools live or die on the strength of their leaver’s destinations lists…

Interesting discussion. I am curious that you would take the advice of his current headteacher, bearing in mind she failed to support him, and put a successful pastoral plan in place. Your son has not been happy at her school, so I wouldn't take her advice.
You seem to have been very impressed with Winchester, that's what these schools do well, impress the parents. Of course it's successful and many children thrive, but your son's needs may not be managed. I know that you want to trust his instincts, but his instincts aren't necessarily right.
Have an honest conversation with the pastoral staff and have a good plan in place.

Cross post about the headteacher. True, though.

Hs he been on any residential with his current school? I appreciate it isn't the same as boarding, but there are some similarities. If he has, how did he get on?

The head who seems to have failed to prevent this child from being bullied at her school? Her school which will benefit from Winchester featuring in a list of glossy leavers’ destinations?

You might as well take advice from a snake-oil salesman. Why would she care if this child is miserable at Winchester, as long as she gets to include it in her prospectus for prospective parents?

St Johns has day and boarding I believe. Does it do flexi boarding?

I am wondering about a scenario where he goes to St Johns and has the chance to “try out” boarding there and see how it goes. If he tries boarding and loves it then there could be an option to move to Winchester for sixth form.

As for explaining it to him - I don’t think you have to base it all on his autism although obviously that is a factor here. Many parents including of NT children don’t want to send their kids boarding even if they could financially/academically, for many reasons - because they’d miss them, because they want them growing up in the family dynamic, because they want to keep an eye on them through the tricky teenage years, and as here, because they are worried that the social demands and ups and downs may be too much.

My own DD is outgoing, energetic and socially able and really wants to board - but even with such a “perfect for boarding” child I am not looking at boarding schools. I am nervous about what happens when there are inevitably friendship issues during the teenage years and she is stuck there with no parent to download to. (She has talked to me a lot about recent friendship dramas at school). Also I would miss her! I have not taken her to see any boarding schools as I know their size and space and cozy dorm rooms would win her over, she would just see the positives and be unable to imagine the downsides .

I think those are good points, @minipie .
These are the issues, really. Boarding is a massive risk for any child, ND or otherwise.

I’m a huge advocate for boarding for the right child. (And I do not think the experience of someone who boarded in the 1970s or 80s can possibly be relevant to this discussion.) But I’d hesitate to send the child you describe to Winchester, which is a school I’m passingly familiar with. Even the confident, sociable, robust young in our own family preferred a boarding school where they had plenty of downtime and quiet in their own room. I’d have said that might be a better option for your son - though it’s obviously too late to think of now.

Boys do grow up a lot between 11 and 13; it’s hard to imagine, when you’re being shown around a senior school, that your child will ever be as big. And I would always say that a child actively wanting to board is the most important element in the decision. But I admit I’m surprised you have not discussed his current issues in detail with his prospective HM. Were you afraid it might count against him?

As a person who went to boarding school, I find this question, and many of the replies very strange.

By their very nature, boarding schools are hotbeds of bullying. I know that people will appear and post stuff about how this isnt true, their DC have a wonderfully enriching education etc. I also know that they have wonderful support staff etc., etc.

It doesn't change anything. Bullying is absolutely central to boarding school life. All children are bullied, by their peers, by older children whp are a bit higher up the food chain, and by the staff.

If your child is being bullied where he is he will be ripped to pieces on a daily basis at a place like Winchester. Maybe this will make them grow up, develop a thick skin and / or self reliance. They will either find a way to live / survive in that environment ... or they won't.

Is Winchester as a day pupil an option?

Not really feasible from Wimbledon @SalmonWellington

That would be natural, in fairness, if OP had felt that it might count against him.

They are competitive schools to get places in and there is a chance to discuss once the place is offered.

In a way, it’s a waste of the school’s time to go into the ins and outs of how it will work for a particular child before they even have to green light from the academic assessments. They have big waitlists: op won’t have caused them any bother by delaying a discussion.The discussion can happen now and op should feel no embarrassment about that .

Is boarding school a necessity? Working with children like this, school and social interactions can be such a stressor and not having someone who loves them to help them regulate at end of day can be very tough. The social interactions just get more complex at this age and I think he would be really vulnerable.

@Calliopespa, I had hoped my previous post would indicate that I’m cognisant of the competitive entry process to major public schools! But I feel it’s a fair question to ask. (Not necessarily with any judgment, as I know nothing about the OP or her son.)

It’s a HM’s job (particularly at W, where the lengthy interview with a HM happens prior to acceptance) to find out what a child is like beyond their academic ability - so they can assess how they’d fit into that particular house.

So either his prospective HM made himself aware of the OP’s son’s current issues and decided he would be able to manage, regardless; or he decided not to know. 🤷‍♀️

I would have thought Tiffin or RGS Guildford would have been safer options for him

i don’t know your ds. I do know a lot of bright ND dc and one common feature is they all need down time. Time where they can be alone with no stimulation and no social interaction. I’m not sure this is possible at a boarding school.

your ds is very bright. You don’t need to worry about getting him the best education etc. all the decent schools in the group you mentioned will provide the same level of teaching. The teachers tend to move around anyway. The difference is the cohort you are with. A school that takes the top 0.5 achievers will get better results than a school that takes the top 10% of achievers but that doesn’t mean they teach better. And your ds would be in sets with the top achievers anyway.

I would be very wary of boarding. If he tries and doesn’t like it you’ll probably find spaces come up somewhere else. People do move in the first year from all schools. You just might have to be very active in contacting schools.

They still have to rely a lot on prep school report etc. The interview is thorough but there won’t have been a lot of opportunity for op to specifically discuss needs like the nightly debriefing she does with DS at the moment unless she specifically asked for that.

I am sure you are correct that the HM had no concerns on what he saw in interview/school report. But my point was really that op doesn’t need to feel she “tricked them” and now can’t approach for a fuller discussion. She will necessarily have a far fuller picture.

The admissions process is a bit like a dance or courtship: the school woo prospective parents to apply; once they have applied, the children “woo” the school to accept them; then once offers are out the parents have their chance to dig down a bit more on how things might look if the offer is accepted. At this stage all are able to focus a bit more on the specific needs of the child once everyone knows that they all ideally want each other.

Also children evolve and develop. My point was more that it would be a shame if op felt somehow precluded from raising it on the basis that she hadn’t done so earlier in the process.

11 year olds don’t know what’s best for them. The overwhelming majority on this thread think Winchester wouldn’t be good for an autistic child. OP, please come up with another plan!