“I love your skin colour, I hope I can have children with this colour”

[Supamum3]

The ultimate microaggression for me. I detest these comments. It happened in the nail shop as I was having a pedicure and I was stunned, I kind of just gave the lady puzzled look to show that was a weird thing to say. But equally I didn’t know how to respond to it so said nothing. I’ve had this in the past before when a white woman has said my kids have a lovely skin colour, I don’t like it, it made me feel SO uncomfortable but I was flummoxed in how to respond. Can anyone share a similar experience and how they responded?

On the face of it, I think it is meant as a compliment. I once had someone tell me they loved how yellow and pale pink tones looked on my skin (I am quite dark toned). I think it's meant on a similar way to when you say a pale lady in a bold red dress really makes it pop, I guess. I do remember someone saying that the purple/pink lipstick swatches people do on their arms always looks like nicer colours on the black person's arm, whereas on the white person's they don't look the same. She preferred how the tones looked on the black skin. Maybe she didn't wish to have skin like me but just wished the lipstick looked the same tone as it takes on me.

I don't take offence to them liking my skin colour, no more than I would at someone liking my hair colour or my eyes. I've had some say they love how curly my hair is, they wish they could get theirs like that.

Black people have been looked down on for so long, I do think it's a positive that people do like aspects of our appearance genuinely (but please don't blackfish). I am often quite appreciative of how strong and yet silky East Asian hair can appear.

However,..... It can lead to fetishisation, perhaps that's what is bothering you?

Plus, they might like our skin colour and like their kids or themselves to have it (fetishisation with the kids thing maybe?) but they wouldn't want all the racism that goes along with it!! Maybe point that out.

Ultimately I do think it comes from a good place, but it's not well thought-out.

What matters is you don't like it. I think the best way would be to point out the glaring drawback of the racism you face, whereas they are purely looking at the skin as a cosmetic thing.

I guess it's weird to just aim it at the kids? They could compliment your skin tone, or would this still feel so wrong to you? I used to compliment my ex DP on his tone as he has a Mediterranean olive complexion that suited his brown eyes and hair really well, and he tanned so smoothly.

I think saying someone has a lovely skin colour is not wrong and it's not a negative thing.

My nan once got asked if she left her Son in sun too long!!

I don't know why people do it. Sometimes I think its because they just have no idea what to say so they say something inane instead. Goes the same way as those with a suntan who are now "darker than me"

“Can I touch your hair”? F no

One my friends is white and she always gets comments on how nice her eye colour is. Sometimes I do wish we were able to behave the same way with complimenting skin tones. There is just too much weight around it though, still, I think, and it can make it weird or uncomfortable. Maybe one day when racism is less so, who knows.

Can I touch your hair”? F no

Yeah, this I hate. Like, I get that they probably have never felt hair the texture of ours before, but you don't need to make someone feel like an animal at the petting zoo.

@FairyBooms

Can I touch your hair”? F no

Yeah, this I hate. Like, I get that they probably have never felt hair the texture of ours before, but you don't need to make someone feel like an animal at the petting zoo.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I think it just feels weighted in fetishisation, around having a permanent tan (she was white), or the fetishisation around mixed race kids, but I feel uncomfortable and wish I had a come back of some sort instead of just feeling that way.

@FairyBooms i totally get the compliments of make up/ clothes etc looking a particular way against brown skin tones, but we hadn’t even got to that point of me having a nail polish colour, it was just based on my skin tone.

Could you gently ask them "Why do you say that?" Or "Why do you feel this way?". I think it will get the person to think about what they're saying. Maybe they'll realise they really don't mean it or they'll explain themselves better to you so you'll realise where they're coming from and feel more comfortable (or not). If not, you can just tell them it makes you uncomfortable.

I agree with a lot of what @FairyBooms said.

I know that there's fetishization but I don't take every such compliment as that. However it does depend on how it's said, who said it, the context and how you felt.

The "where are you from?" question
Me: Manchester
She: Yes, but where are you really from?
Me: Moss Side
She: Yes, I mean, where were you born
Me: North Manchester General

We both know what she really means

(Disclaimer: area changed to avoid people checking for me on the electoral roll

My DD gets this a lot, she doesn’t see it as a micro aggression or a potential fetish though.

or the fetishisation around mixed race kids, but I

Such a massive issue. I remember in school a lot of white teens saying they wanted mixed kids. It sort of feels like a slight towards darker skin colours and feeds into colourism - they want a ""lighty"" () child, not a black child. Totally get why that would feel like fetishisation and offensive.

I think people should leave the compliments to when it's relevant with skin colour. So, as you say, if she had complimented how your skin tone went with the nail polish you had picked (I really do agree with the person who said dusty light pink works super well on me), that would have been fine.

If my Japanese friend has done her hair up fancy, or asks if her hair looks OK, then maybe then would be fine for me to say yes it looks beautiful, it also looks very nourished and silky, but perhaps not OK to just randomly mention it as it could be seen as a fetishisation thing.

Similarly, things like eye shapes can really look very very pretty, but I think should only comment on if someone was perhaps asking about their eye makeup and if it made their eyes look good/enhanced or whatever. Of course you have to use the correct terminology and not be offensive with it, even if you don't mean to be. I think it's called a canthal tilt, where the inside and outside corners of the eye can have a positive, neutral or negative tilt in relation to each other.

There is just such a weight attached to these things as they are usually picked out for stereotyping and prejudice.

I think anything that could be seen as you mentioning something that a group of people have been discriminated against for , even if you mean it positively, needs to be said in the correct context to not seem weird. And don't talk about wanting your kids to have X appearance! I mean that's just a bit weird anyway isn't it.

I'm not sure what exactly you could say in the moment though.
I'm not very good at that, I always end up thinking of something perfectly sarcastic weeks later!

We both know what she really means

I hate this too. I've only ever asked when it has been raised by the person I'm speaking to. I remember a convo that went like

Them: "Oh yes my child does X. I've heard it said that kids that move from their birth country.... Blah blah"

Me: "Oh, where were you from?" ((And even then it felt a bit weird asking it, as I've had it myself so often said in that way)).

Or when the lady in the cafe asked my daughter's name and said "in my country, that name means..." So I then asked: "oh, which country?"

You shouldn't other people based on them not looking like the "right colour". If you want to ask me where my ancestry is from, fine, but don't phrase it as "where I'm from".

Plenty of white people might be immigrants from another white-dominant country that isn't England, but they don't get "where are you really from?" in that way unless they have an accent due to being first gen etc. Even then, it's fine to notice the accent, but they may be very self-conscious of it, so again -- don't mention it unless it comes up naturally otherwise it can be very othering.

Tricky. In one way it would be nice to take this at face value but on the other hand why is it always that people are saying they want mixed race kids.

I have this myself, oh your skin is so nice, not too dark at all. Or, I love your hair, I bet that you're glad it's not more Afro. And with DD too who is paler than me and has looser curls.

It really annoys me, people want some colour but don't portray the feeling that being fully black or too dark is attractive.

People treat mixed race children as if they're accessories sometimes - and they're very in fashion currently. Also no, please don't pet my hair, I'm not your rabbit.

Sorry, I was on micro aggression, I'm a lot older than PP's DD so might be a generation thing being asked where are you from?

Compliments on colours/skin ok by me if intent seems good.
Fetishy: for me any reference to Looking Exotic. Nope!

It really annoys me, people want some colour but don't portray the feeling that being fully black or too dark is attractive.

This is so true. It's the same with hair. You get compliments as long as it's 3a to 3c or 4a curly and silky or full. But no, not too dense, too frizzy, too kinky. Not the 4c hair.

Is it possible that it was a genuine compliment?

"It really annoys me, people want some colour but don't portray the feeling that being fully black or too dark is attractive."

Do you feel that some feel you can be too white too? Very pale and red haired can be looked on as not desirable. Is it a fashion statement (tan), a health statement or a racist statement with the first comment.

I've had the 'oh you are so pale' my entire life. Before the makeup ranges started expanding the colour ranges I could only buy from 2 brands. All others too dark for me.

I've had people actually laugh at how pale I am. I have never ever had a compliment on my skin colour.

I have this myself, oh your skin is so nice, not too dark at all. Or, I love your hair, I bet that you're glad it's not more Afro.

It's ok to be a bit Black, but not Blackity Black they make it so obvious with statements like this

The part where she said "...I wish I can have children with this skin colour" would be the weird bit.

I think she was being nice though. Sometimes I admire different skin tones on people, I am just too shy to say it out loud

Yes, some comments are best kept to thyself!

I don’t think I’d know what to say. What are you supposed to reply to that? Oh have you considered a Michael B Jordan coloured husband? That would probably mix together to provide you your desired colour of child?

I had a woman once run her hand through my daughter’s hair - like really all through it, not just pet the outside - and say ‘beautiful! Why is it so curly?’ I was totally perplexed and stupidly said ‘it’s just like that.’ Her father’s mixed race but I honestly couldn’t be bothered going into ‘well he’s mixed race but not black and she doesn’t see him so she isn’t very connected to his culture,’ with some woman. She was a total stranger.

Sometimes I wonder if people don’t really ‘hear’ what they’re about to say before they say it. I tend to consider what I’m saying rather than just blurt something out stupidly.

Just realised when I said ‘but not black’ it might be taken wrongly. Nothing wrong with being black but when you say ‘mixed race’ people often assume that means one black parent and one white which isn’t the case but I don’t really care for detailed conversation about my kids’ heritage with randoms. I understand saying ‘oh your hair is lovely’ or whatever but really no need to touch or comment on strangers kids.