“I love your skin colour, I hope I can have children with this colour”

[Supamum3]

The ultimate microaggression for me. I detest these comments. It happened in the nail shop as I was having a pedicure and I was stunned, I kind of just gave the lady puzzled look to show that was a weird thing to say. But equally I didn’t know how to respond to it so said nothing. I’ve had this in the past before when a white woman has said my kids have a lovely skin colour, I don’t like it, it made me feel SO uncomfortable but I was flummoxed in how to respond. Can anyone share a similar experience and how they responded?

@Bitofachinwag No not always a micro aggression or at least not meant to be, and you know what, generally most black/brown people can tell subtle racism versus innocent ignorance versus a genuine compliment, maybe just have some awareness of what you're saying if complimenting and the context of how blackness has been seen as lesser and still is unless a white person does it.

For example: Wow, that colour is stunning on you is generally fine to most people. BUT, something like below is generally not okay for most black/brown and mixed ethnicity people:

• Is your hair natural, can I touch it? (Proceeds to attempt to pet person like a dog)
• I wonder what colour your children will be. They'll probably be a nice tan colour. So jealous.
• You look exotic, where are you from? Where are you really from. Where are your parents from. No, where are your grandparents from and so on and so forth. I often play dumb now and make them get to the point - Why are you brown/why do you look the way you do.
• I bet you're glad you don't have XYZ features (insert features associated with darker people or 'full' black people)

This is just my experienced as a mixed ethnicity black/Asian and Mediterranean woman. One of my 'lighthearted' pet peeves is when people say to me (usually white women and men) - Gosh, you're so pretty, but don't you ever want to straighten your hair, it's a lot/so much/so curly. My answer is usually a flat nope.

@Lndnmummy Good on him, I wonder whether she even thought twice though!
People want the colour but none of the connotations! We aren't accessories that can spice up your life 😖

Thank you very much for explaining Avaynia and Galactic . I don't know any black people. I know of only one black person in my village of approx 1000 people and this part of the country is generally very white. So I don't have anyone to ask in real life .

of what you're saying if complimenting and the context of how blackness has been seen as lesser and still is unless a white person does it
I genuinely think that many white people are unaware that blackness is seen as "lesser", it's just so ingrained they're not consciously aware of it.

I'm white. The majority of my cousins/extended family are mixed.

The amount of comments people made to them growing up... commenting on their skin colour, commenting on how lovely their skin colour is 'considering your dad is so dark' (why is that a bad thing FFS?!), running hands through their hair.. the list is quite literally endless.

I can vividly remember asking my cousin if she would 'play with my hair' during a sleepover and her being puzzled that I liked other people touching my hair and actually wanted her to do so. Because she'd had so many instances in her short lifetime of people fetishising her hair.

I've also had the usual:
Where is your uncle from? : Cardiff
But where is he FROM? : Cardiff
But where is he ORIGINALLY FROM? : GRANGETOWN!!

There is a lot that is unconscious and internalized. It's also a massive minefield. As has been said on this thread, there's a lot of baggage attached to skin color. Sometimes something that should be simple just isn't. And we're all going to be used to whatever normal is for each of us.

My personal opinion is that it's important to just listen sometimes. And of course no group of people is going to have the same opinion about something but hearing the people who don't agree with what you're used to can be very enlightening, I think. I've had any number of white people ask my opinion about something and then seek out another black person to try and affirm what they already believe rather than trying to understand why I have the opinion I do or consider the possibility they might be wrong.

Most people will say racism is bad, so when they hear someone accuse them of it what they hear is that they're being called a bad person. And some people certainly are. I think it's more common to be ignorant and used to the status quo rather than malicious, but when someone chooses to be willfully ignorant, that's when I firmly place them in the latter category alongside the other intentional racists.

On this website in particular there is a lot of talk about women and the patriarchy and the way men can be. So on one hand you can see people understand oppression and punching down and the little ways those systems are enforced. But on the other hand when it comes to racism, all of a sudden those same people don't get it. Supposedly. And they give us the same excuses that men do when it comes to sexism. Needless to say it can be very frustrating. That's my two cents about that anyway.

@Dasher789

My dm lived in Africa for many years as a child. She was the only white person in the school she went to and she was chased round the playground by other children who wanted to look at her or touch her hair. She said it was quite annoying but her dm explained that most of them had simply not seen a white person up close in real life before and it was interesting to them. How can they broaden their horizons if they are not inquisitive. There was little my mum could do anyway as it wasn't like one person wanted to touch her hair, it was half the class.

I have really frizzy wavy hair and have said to people black and white I wish I had their hair. I think it surely depends on the context. Most people probably are trying to be nice or give a compliment.

Gosh so much here.

Firstly, presumably the op is not the first black or mixed person the commenter had ever encountered. There are lots of people of different races in the uk and (unless you grew up on a tiny tiny island somewhere) you will have seen some out and about.

Secondly, a grown up woman should know that it’s weird to say ‘ooh I’d like kids that colour.’ Because it’s stripping someone back to simply a short order colour.

Thirdly, even if it was a compliment based on the total rarity of being a particular colour, most of us adults know that when someone is different there’s no need to point it out.

And then the last - your mum (and all the other stories of white people who have had this) don’t have a history of racial and cultural prejudice that might make mentions of their race and comments based on their differences uncomfortable. There is a context.

And also for those who like to whinge ‘can’t I give anyone a compliment? Is it racist now to say my black friend looks nice in orange?’

Of course it isn’t. You just have to say ‘Amy you look lovely in that orange top’ instead of ‘ooh you look nice, lucky with your black skin wish I had kids that colour because all black people look nice in bright colours.’

Much like you would with a white person. Just put the person before the colour.

I respond as you did, with total silence. I refuse to give that type of comment any energy at all.

"It was meant as a compliment" ie "I reserve my right to other you by commenting on the colour of your skin as if you're a rarely seen species🙄, you WILL accept it as a compliment and say thank you".

Get lost.

I'd never ever make a comment to a non-Black person about their skin tone. The thought makes me cringe. I'm more likely to say I like a person's style or item of clothing. Im not ignotant though so I know not to get too personal, and that if I did it's not my prerogative to decide that the recipient must like it.