“I love your skin colour, I hope I can have children with this colour”

[Supamum3]

The ultimate microaggression for me. I detest these comments. It happened in the nail shop as I was having a pedicure and I was stunned, I kind of just gave the lady puzzled look to show that was a weird thing to say. But equally I didn’t know how to respond to it so said nothing. I’ve had this in the past before when a white woman has said my kids have a lovely skin colour, I don’t like it, it made me feel SO uncomfortable but I was flummoxed in how to respond. Can anyone share a similar experience and how they responded?

I suppose the problem is that you don't know what someone really means when they say it. So I think it's better to try and be aware of how you might make someone feel, even if you know yourself that you mean well.

I think it's really sad that we live in a world where a compliment on skin colour or hair is such a minefield, but that's just how it is.

I am very much hoping for ginger grandchildren, looking at DC’s genetic makeup. Is this an issue then?

Have I missed something, why are so many self described paler than pale white people replying with their own anecdotes on this thread? Check the board you're on FFS!

Fwiw OP the reply suggested above seems good in the moment to help the person see sense - "that's nice, dear, but they wouldn't like the racism that goes with it"

@rattlemehearties thank you, I’m also surprised at the pale skin reference, it’s so not the same thing

@Lndnmummy, some people just have no filter, how did you manage put a stop to it?

@KenDodd thats a great response, thank you

@Mybalconyiscracking

I am very much hoping for ginger grandchildren, looking at DC’s genetic makeup. Is this an issue then?

Well it’s not the same issue as looking at a black person and saying ‘ooh I fancy some kids about that shade’ as if they’re a swatch at b&q.

It is a bit odd to be fixated on any possible physical features of future grandkids. I wouldn’t really sit around ‘very much hoping’ for ginger grandkids.

If you find someone attractive it isn’t because they’re mixed race. Do you look at a white person you fancy and say ‘ooh hope that isn’t racist, all white people are just good looking aren’t they?’ No, you don’t. So why did the conversation turn to ‘mixed race people are attractive’ rather than ‘Jack’s good looking isn’t he

This!

Over the years, I've come to realise that most people don't think much about what they say and therefore I don't need to waste time reading stuff into their comments.

Very wise.

As a white woman, I know this section is not aimed at me, but I hope you don't mind me saying something. I would never say it in person to anyone as I know you have to tread very carefully on this subject, but I do wonder if some of these people feel the same as me, but don't quite have the filter in place to stop them saying it out loud.

I find black skin absolutely beautiful. The way the light picks up the colours and different tones in the skin is so lovely. There is no fetishisation element to how I feel, just an appreciation of something I find visually stunning.

My childhood best friend was from Nigeria and I remember being so envious of her skin and hair and wishing I had the same. Obviously I was too young to understand all the awful things people experience because of the colour of their skin. I really hoped one day my children would have skin like hers. As it turns out, they are blonde with blue eyes, so that didn't really work out.

It's a stupid thing to say, but people are always saying stupid things .
I'm always touching my nieces hair 😩 she's the only one in our family with curly hair! She probably hates this . I am going to stop !

@Stormwhale I bet your friend wasn't "too young" to understand people treating her different because of her skin colour.

Genuine question

How does it differ from all the comments my daughter gets about her hair colour being beautiful(flame red)?

@Excitedforthefuture I was just going to ask this. I should name change but I'm Scottish and have the most Scottish hair ever. I'm taking RED thick thick thick, mad of ring curls. Like Merida in brave, right down my back. I'm paler than a ghost, and have a million freckles.

My hair is not ginger, it's actually red, I could hide next to a post box.

People touch my hair, comment all the time on my skin, my hair, etc.

@Excitedforthefuture

Genuine question

How does it differ from all the comments my daughter gets about her hair colour being beautiful(flame red)?

At a guess, because having ginger/red hair won’t potentially limit your daughters opportunities in life, won’t stop her possibly being hired/promoted in the workplace, won’t stop her peers/colleagues treating her differently, won’t mean she is treated worse by official agencies (police, healthcare etc).

These are just some things that black people have to deal with every day. So, I’d imagine when somebody compliments their skin tone as if it’s all just lovely and perfect and there are no negatives for them to deal with, it probably feels like a bit of a joke.

I am white by the way, so not speaking for black people, but having a guess at how it could come across.

Thank you
Yes I see the difference now

rattlemehearties

I'm not sure. She and her brothers never said anything about it. The main thing that upset her was always being asked if she was adopted as her mother is white, and her skin was very dark. She wasn't bullied at school or excluded from anything. Our church was always extremely welcoming and the whole family were involved in church events etc. Her mum absolutely celebrated her heritage constantly told her how beautiful she was, so she was really confident. I think I probably envied that as my own mum was very distant and cold (she was very depressed). I wanted to be part of their family as it was always so warm and happy. I think her mum knew as she involved me in so much of what their family was doing.

We lost touch in our teens as we went to different schools and they then moved further away, so I dont know if she experienced more negative experiences after we drifted apart.

People treat mixed race children as if they're accessories sometimes - and they're very in fashion currently

I’ve found this massively with my children, it’s bizarre. One woman at work when I was pregnant kept saying how jealous she was because she would love a ‘coffee coloured child’. I think they think they’re being complimentary somehow but it’s dehumanising, treating them as pretty fashion accessories. I’ve also noticed that some of these people were a bit disappointed when DD was born with blonde hair, fair skin and blue eyes and kept asking if I thought she would get darker

I have had that before. I'm mixed race and my kids are too. I would describe my skin colour as a light brown/caramel.
Aside from those comments I have very naturally frizzy hair and I've had people asking to touch it or touching it without asking.
Once a woman did it without asking when I was on the London underground with my 3 kids.
Wtf?

@BlackAndGreen

The "where are you from?" question Me: Manchester She: Yes, but where are you really from? Me: Moss Side She: Yes, I mean, where were you born Me: North Manchester General

We both know what she really means

(Disclaimer: area changed to avoid people checking for me on the electoral roll

I know I’ve put too much fake tan on when I get asked this.

I’m white but with dark brown eyes and hair.

@Supamum3 depends on the situation. For my husband a stare normally suffice. When someone says "can I touch ds hair?" I say "would you like him to touch yours?". When people said "look at his blue eyes". I'd say "ds, look at this woman's eyes"! On the "where is dad from" I answer with the uk town 3 times, if they ask again I say "I've told you where he is from, is the question you are really asking "why are your children brown?". To the people who say ds2 really looks like me and ds one must look like his dad I say "alot of white people say that but its not true. Ds one looks alot more like me if you look at his feauturea and not just the colour on his skin". To the people who compare the siblings with one another I'll say "oh yes and your older one is taller/chubbier/has different hair or whatever". Or I'll say "I can't believe you just said that, I am cringing for you" etc etc etc

I’d never say this but have lived amongst mixed race (is it ok to say this?) families for years.

I do think some people lack a filter re these comments.

I’ve had strangers comment and try to or touch my brother’s then GF’s curly hair (mum is white dad black) and that annoyed both of us.

I’ve got a Nigerian friend who’s very black and she’s got comments about her skin being too dark or “what a lovely colour” almost like falling over themselves to be nice about it!

@Catch32

I follow a very stylish and beautiful black female entrepeneur type inspirational blogger. I recently messaged her that the colour of a top she was wearing looked incredible on her (it was a coral pink colour and just made everything about her pop). She messaged back to say thank you etc. But I'm wondering whether l should have avoided commenting on her appearance, and actually whether to avoid commenting on other women's appearances full stop. I'm kind of mortified that with all the other crap people have to put up with, I may be exacerbating their problems with a comment, just because I find something aesthetically pleasing and want to express what I perceive to be a compliment.

@Catch32 - I can’t see anything wrong in that personally.

I’ve got a Nigerian friend with very black skin who looks stunning in certain paler/pastel colours as well as other colours.

I recall a few years back on the flip side I was looking at orange/yellow tops and a black friend told me I wouldn’t suit those as they were too bright for my skin tone. They did actually suit me!

Best not to comment on skin or colour, even hair, just say he or she looks lovely. It’s far too easy to be misunderstood, you may mean it as a complement, they take it as racist or sexist or whatever.

My daughter is the only blonde kid in a very ethnically diverse school. She actually gets similar treatment (and hates it). I think it’s just about being seen as “other” that makes it uncomfortable, whatever that “other” is.

I would say it's a massive aggression & you don't need to have a response. People need to understand this is never ever acceptable.

My dm lived in Africa for many years as a child. She was the only white person in the school she went to and she was chased round the playground by other children who wanted to look at her or touch her hair. She said it was quite annoying but her dm explained that most of them had simply not seen a white person up close in real life before and it was interesting to them. How can they broaden their horizons if they are not inquisitive. There was little my mum could do anyway as it wasn't like one person wanted to touch her hair, it was half the class.

I have really frizzy wavy hair and have said to people black and white I wish I had their hair. I think it surely depends on the context. Most people probably are trying to be nice or give a compliment.