“I love your skin colour, I hope I can have children with this colour”

[Supamum3]

The ultimate microaggression for me. I detest these comments. It happened in the nail shop as I was having a pedicure and I was stunned, I kind of just gave the lady puzzled look to show that was a weird thing to say. But equally I didn’t know how to respond to it so said nothing. I’ve had this in the past before when a white woman has said my kids have a lovely skin colour, I don’t like it, it made me feel SO uncomfortable but I was flummoxed in how to respond. Can anyone share a similar experience and how they responded?

@GrrrlPwr

Is it possible that it was a genuine compliment?

This ^

I compliment others on hair colour, eye colour etc. Is that offensive?
All my compliments are genuine.

It seems that people are so easily offended.

Not the same thing at all, my mums side is irish and my dads a mix of cypriot, north african, penninsular, etc and people always comment on how much they love my 'aubourn/ginger' natural hair and I can never tell if it's a passive aggressive comment or not bc I was bullied for it at school, I decided at the start of covid to own my hair colour and finally grow it out natural and the comments have returned, it just makes me want to dye it dark brown again, I've also had horrible comments from people who don't believe I have a blended hair type because I spend ages each week trying to straighten it, I'm so confused by how it should look

@halloweenie13

Not the same thing at all, my mums side is irish and my dads a mix of cypriot, north african, penninsular, etc and people always comment on how much they love my 'aubourn/ginger' natural hair and I can never tell if it's a passive aggressive comment or not bc I was bullied for it at school, I decided at the start of covid to own my hair colour and finally grow it out natural and the comments have returned, it just makes me want to dye it dark brown again, I've also had horrible comments from people who don't believe I have a blended hair type because I spend ages each week trying to straighten it, I'm so confused by how it should look

This is what I don’t understand

Why are you trying to disguise the colour and natural texture of your own hair?

Why are you trying to disguise the colour and natural texture of your own hair?

She’s literally said in the post you’ve quoted that she was bullied at school and dislikes comments on her hair because it makes her wonder if it’s passive aggressive.

Is it brand new information to you that people dye their hair sometimes? I was teased for years for being ginger haired and have dyed my hair for years. Now I see my youngest child with ginger hair I think it’s gorgeous but it’s easy to tell someone else to just ‘be proud’ and ‘rock it’ because you’re not the one actually doing it.

My people my people do we even have a niche on mumsnet? Thank you so much for being candid, I feel seen heard and I feel like I can share how these supposedly "harmless" micro aggressions can make you feel less than worthy of good things in your life. Mostly I am pleased that these sort of "compliments" are even openly recognised as micro aggressions.

I am white and I love black/mixed skin. It looks just beautiful, and I 'envy' people with dark skin because every colour looks amazing on them. I never said it, but if I did it would definitely be a compliment.

@GrrrlPwr

I've had the 'oh you are so pale' my entire life. Before the makeup ranges started expanding the colour ranges I could only buy from 2 brands. All others too dark for me.

I've had people actually laugh at how pale I am. I have never ever had a compliment on my skin colour.

Go to Bali.

I paid for a massage on the beach and after the 15 mins the lady carried on, I said I wasn't going to pay her any more but that didn't matter she just loved my pale skin.

I have Scottish and Irish ancestors so I am paler than most.

OP

I was once teaching a class of about 30 girls, the room had lots of windows to other rooms and a boy walked past and half my class swooned.

They then asked me if they were being racist because the boy was mixed race and was it racist to say, "mixed race people are better looking?"

This was supposed to be an IT class but it turned into a long discussion. I think we came to the conclusion that many mixed race people display the most attractive features of their heritage (be that 2 races or 20).

I'm not sure if this is relevant but I was the only white person in the room.

People find people attractive, it would be nice to be able to give a complement without it being seen as something else. Although of course it might be that something else.

I would hope the person saying it was genuine and they just likes the colour of your skin.

*They then asked me if they were being racist because the boy was mixed race and was it racist to say, "mixed race people are better looking?"

This was supposed to be an IT class but it turned into a long discussion. I think we came to the conclusion that many mixed race people display the most attractive features of their heritage (be that 2 races or 20).

I'm not sure if this is relevant but I was the only white person in the room.

People find people attractive, it would be nice to be able to give a complement without it being seen as something else. Although of course it might be that something else.*

It would be offensive in my opinion to ‘swoon’ over someone then declare (to your it teacher no less) that mixed race people are ‘just better looking’ because they ‘have the best features of their heritage.’

If you find someone attractive it isn’t because they’re mixed race. Do you look at a white person you fancy and say ‘ooh hope that isn’t racist, all white people are just good looking aren’t they?’ No, you don’t. So why did the conversation turn to ‘mixed race people are attractive’ rather than ‘Jack’s good looking isn’t he?’

Either way maybe not a good conversation for these girls when they’re supposed to be learning IT.

@Kanaloa

Why are you trying to disguise the colour and natural texture of your own hair?

She’s literally said in the post you’ve quoted that she was bullied at school and dislikes comments on her hair because it makes her wonder if it’s passive aggressive.

Is it brand new information to you that people dye their hair sometimes? I was teased for years for being ginger haired and have dyed my hair for years. Now I see my youngest child with ginger hair I think it’s gorgeous but it’s easy to tell someone else to just ‘be proud’ and ‘rock it’ because you’re not the one actually doing it.

It’s the final comment about how it should look. It ‘should look’ like it looks.

Do you tell your child their hair is gorgeous and if so, are you being passive aggressive?

Ok so you’re determined to be awkward. Of course I’m not being passive aggressive. That doesn’t invalidate that poster’s conflicted feelings about her own hair.

You can’t see that I’m trying to help halloweenie13 by questioning her own logic. You’re the one who decided to jump in and answer for her

I don't call this type of comment microaggression because I refuse to accept that the mere act of ^noticing and complimenting^ my skin colour is an aggression. Of course it might be a case of fetishisation - but the chances are low. Over the years, I've come to realise that most people don't think much about what they say and therefore I don't need to waste time reading stuff into their comments.

I agree @Supamum3

I hate it when people talk about how beautiful my kids skin is, I am black, their dad is Israeli, and the kids are a real mix of us both, yet a. They never comment on how beautiful my black skin is, b. It’s highly inappropriate to comment on their skin anyway, especially in front of them and c. Sometimes they look like they are going to/want to touch their skin.

They’ve also told me many times about other kids touching their hair at school- which I’ve raised numerous times.

I run a black voice student group at the school I work in and honestly the shit they have to put up with is unreal, just ignorant comments made by staff/students daily. We are planning on going to the governors soon with a list of our suggestions of how to be more inclusive and about unconscience bias.

It seems that people are so easily offended.

I wonder if you might perhaps have misunderstood the reason for, and purpose of, this board?

There are many other places on MN where you can expand on the subject of pale skin and red hair.

This is not the correct place for irrelevant dismissal of concerns such as those raised by the OP.

Nice to see this discussion being had again. I’m glad I am not alone in this thinking. Maybe it’s because it makes my skin colour a “thing” and then inevitably the conversation is steered into the direction of black people and black culture etc as if I am the only black person they have ever encountered eye roll . It is uncomfortable.

I do think it is a MA to get used to because its difficult to take it as a stand alone compliment and not see it as the opening for a “I love black people, I’m not racist” monologue. . . .

We get this alot with our children and I think its awful. The fetishisation is really troubling me. These are MY children, stop commenting on them like they are animals up for grabs. Respect their integrity as human beings ffs. I don't understand how strangers see it fit to comment on children like this. Pass THEIR value judgementals on to them. It is utterly bizarre when you think about it. My husband and I cut it out straight away now. Stop it in their tracks. My youngest used to have really striking blue eyes and people used to stop us in the street. Some asked what we had done to "make his eyes like that" . The worst ones are the ones that comments on the difference in complexion between the two children. Wtf would you do that? My neighbour when seeing my then newborn said "oh gosh he is beautiful, he is so light isnt he? Oh my days, he is so stunning, so light. I can't believe it". My eldest was stood right there!!!!! Fools.

@OnceuponaRainbow18 I love the black student voice group. Amazing.

I used to get loads of comments on my skin (deathly white, almost looks albino, shows every spot and blemish) and hair, almost zero were compliments. So, I live with, what society sees as ugly skin and hair, but no racism. Some people live with, what's now seen as beautiful skin and hair (basically light brown) but also live with the racism that goes with it.

Maybe the right reply OP is - yes beautiful skin colour but it brings racism with it. ?

I actually have a tiny bit of black African heritage, long, long way back. I do wonder if I had lived in South Africa during apartheid if there 'one drop' rule would have considered me, ghostly white, as black. It just shows how complex and ridiculous categories of people, as if they are paint charts, is.

@Lndnmummy

You wouldn’t believe how hard it was to be set up…! Apparently it may have caused an us Vs them feeling 😱

@OnceuponaRainbow18 I can imagine. To have a space like that, where black students can voice their experiences, thoughts and feelings in a safe space where they will be believed and have their experiences validated is such a necessary thing. Each and every school should have it.

I follow a very stylish and beautiful black female entrepeneur type inspirational blogger. I recently messaged her that the colour of a top she was wearing looked incredible on her (it was a coral pink colour and just made everything about her pop). She messaged back to say thank you etc. But I'm wondering whether l should have avoided commenting on her appearance, and actually whether to avoid commenting on other women's appearances full stop. I'm kind of mortified that with all the other crap people have to put up with, I may be exacerbating their problems with a comment, just because I find something aesthetically pleasing and want to express what I perceive to be a compliment.

I can see how it might have been intended as a compliment - however, I can also see how it’s received as a MA/comes across as fetishisation. I had a white friend who was determined to marry a black man so she could have mixed race kids, I found that deeply uncomfortable even as a white person. We’re no longer friends for a variety of reasons, but that played a part in it, she could not see how it was a problem. Knowing that white women do this, I completely get how compliments about skin colour aimed at black and Asian women are loaded AF, especially if someone is complimenting a black person’s mixed race children with a lighter skin tone. It feels like as a white person you’d be saying “your skin tone is an acceptable shade of dark for me” and that feels…very very yuck.

My MIL used to say this all the time. She's white. 'Your kids will be a lovey colour' . I know she means well but at the same time it's very very annoying. Especially on repeat.