The PESH Deli - where black-humoured diffed BESHes turn to hormonal mush.

[CurlyCasper]

If you don't like the title, tough. I'm still talking

BESH BABYWIN STATS

This isn?t a fucking list ? right?

BESH BAYBEES
dontrythisathome, Bay Amaryllis born March 25.
Cheggers, twinz girlz, born April 12

UPDIFFED
Ponymum, the one with the worst hips, due mid June
CUNextTuesday, takes no shit from the Daily Mail, due June 28
IggyPiggy, The one who loves BUMSEX, due July 20
CurlyCasper, the ginger with the dodgy joints due July 21 (girl)
Skihorse, cradle snatching web geek, due July 22 (boy)
Carrots, organic hippy hunter, due July 25 (boy)
Cosmosis, the one that likes a good ride, due August 22
Pandora, She's got wings, due September 6
skatergrrrl, the one that overtook the rest, September ??
VAG, lives in De Nile, due 19 September
Honeymoo, puppy lover, due November 1
silversky, the biggest farter, due 21 October (first baybee)
okiecokie, self-confessed control freak, due November 6
SomethingSuitablyWitty, benelux babe, due November
ReginaMonologue, must-get-the-goss-from-ski, due November 20

Soooo... digesting cunty's birthing guidelines - pooing yourself = good, calling your loved one a cunt = a given.

Glad you are home and well cunty. Will be abusing the fast work internet to catch up properly later.

caspy How's the new house? Have you taken delivery of the labrador yet?

Hooray! Cunty's home! Glad you're on the mend matey. Liking the positive birth stories.

(Please don't judge me but) I bought Pregnancy & Birth magazine at the weekend (for the articles....) and apparently only 5% of births end up in emergency cs. This must be all my friends then..... I get really annoyed by articles telling me it'll all be hunkydory cos that doesn't seem to stack up with friends' experiences. So actual true-life nice stories unfiltered by mws/NHS etc are lovely.

Espresso martini, anyone?

Cunty so glad you are home and all is well. How dramatic of you to disappear into hospital like that!! Anyway, your time there was not wasted: I am fascinated by the pearls of wisdom you have gathered. I definitely have to look into this breathing stuff. It is great to hear of someone breathing their controlled way to 5cm and giving birth two hours later... amazing!

I think though, on the whole, I'd rather be like ski's friend and nonchalantly walk to the hospital full dilated . God I love those fast labour stories. I actually came very fast myself when I was born, but I was a second baby, so I can't build on that too much...

Anyway, to more immediate things: I have a scan this morning. It's 13+2 and it's the nuchal measurement etc. V. nervous about it all... I'll be leaving the office in a little while to head to the hospital. reggie when's yours?

good luck swits

Thanks fanny. It's going to be great when all sorted. Funnily enough, we have already found a labrador and a spaniel in the garden...

(In all seriousness, as soon as my parents start breeding them again I think I will take delivery of a nice little working lab!)

Thanks for the inside info cunty. Health scare aside, it sounds like quite an experience!

VAG I've inherited a subscription of "Practical Parenting" - someone is paying for this mag by direct debit and getting it delivered to my friend's house. She's got 3 so already "knows everything" so just passes it on to me - I love it!

I do agree - it's great to hear positive, real-life stories. I know there's no guarantee everything will go perfectly. Of the 3 women I talk to at work:

i) had(s) high blood pressure so not allowed homebirth - went to hospital at 7am, home by 1pm with daughter.
ii) very healthy - waters broke 4 weeks early - emc
iii) diagnosed with breast cancer during pregnancy and so cs

But seriously - I don't believe we're running at a 66% "disaster" rate.

Good luck switty/reggie today! Please report back toot sweet with your findings.

Reggie How did it go with your friends and the party?

curly Dogs is the shiz innit. (free babysitters)

Well done on surviving the labour ward Cunty and glad you are free again. Breathing is good stuff - so many people forget to breathe when they are stressed, thinking or just generally busy doing something tricky.

VAG the reason all your mates have emcs is cause we're all old, innit? Apparently if you are 15 years old it's a piece of piss, but past 35 you are elderly in the eyes of the medical profession.

Have to go now - got to cuddle my latest baby chicks (Frankie, Stan and Igor!) and then settle down with a cup of tea to watch the excitement that is baby ducks hatching. So many babies! Then I have to find a way of containing the older chicks from last month as it would appear (from the adventures they had on their first day outside yesterday) that they can fit their entire bodies through a crack no bigger than their eyeball.

Whoop for cunty and returning to the fold. Glad you came out of hospital with positive stories.

I also heard it is possible just to "breathe" the baybee out and not even necessary to push. Anyone fancy giving that a go?

Friendly scan punches for Wit and Reggie. Let us know tout suite how it all goes.

Told my office colleagues this morning (since I am sporting a rather obvious rotund tummy) and all were pleased if not a little surprised.

Box can us PESHes name the rest of your offspring ? can I have a Colin?

I would like to breathe my baby out but then I'm a lazy bitch and pushing may entail me putting my glass of Chenin and my Heat magazine down for 5 mins

Have we as a collective completely abandoned the idea of the delicate sneeze and the baby landing in our arms?

I was the only fule at parentcraft last week who'd even considered hippo birthing. Cue lots of staring at the "hippy freak". Further stares when SFF was quickest to volunteer to test the G&A. (it was the pain relief session). His face was a picture.

"Like being really stoned, but then it wears off immediately" was his assessment.

DUCKLINGS! My fave! I used to keep them in my bedroom. Please can we have piccies boxy?

cokie you is def not supposed to push - hippo woman says so - and so does Miriam Stoppard - so it must be true

Has anyone found any good books on baby development? Not baby care...

cunts am v. happy you out of hosp!

Of course a delicate sneeze will do it ski

Re ducklings: why do they not make babies wth collapsible skeletons like that? So, say, something the size of a baby can fit out of something the size of a foof without any drama whatsoever?

curly Well if they're not planning on remaining as calm as is humanely possible during the event - what is their plan?

boxer I thought 15 year olds demanded full GAs? Mind you, in their favour you never hear about their dreadful morning sickness or other pregnancy-associated ailments. Gits.

iggy Nope but I plan to have a mooch around this weekend and see what I can find. I can't imagine there is any book I will agree with though - and I'm far too much of a hippy to get excited about it all. If he's a dunce I'll throw my hands up in the air and say "so what?" and if he's a little genius I'll say "overrated".

okie please to tell us you sneezed out your first?

ski I fort MS was worse when you younger? That is what I haz heard - both from people would were diffed young (well = both 20 years old and one of them then had 2 more kids in her 30's) - I fink I read it too?

anyway - let me know if you find any good books! Am bored of trawlingt he amazon reviews!

iggy blimey - are you saying I'd have literally puked my guts up if I'd been a teenage mum? The reason I thought teenagers showed fewer symptoms was because they're in denial aren't they?

Yes - I guess they are but the internets say it is true, so it must be see

No ski, I think it's because they can't differentiate between ms puking and the ongoing baseline WKD multi-colour side effects.

iggy Well the internets always tells the truth - the only plausible explanation is that I inhabit the body of a young and sprightly goddess.

Bit of an odd one. Have any of you had breathing/lung problems since getting diffed? I've had two asthma attacks in the last week - not had one in 18 years so obviously have no Salbutamol at home and not even sure differs can take it. Probably should go to doctor right?

Julian - what MORE could you do to me?

Yes I've found it much more difficult to catch my breath but that's because lungs are now the size of babbies fists innit. Shortness of breath must be investigated though so give the MW a call.

You know what can happen though, once you go down that route - pack a bag just in case

ski I have had a persistent cough, frequent breathlessness and crazy messed up sinuses (bad headaches, blood galore and, a few times over the last week, a "bunged-up" ear) It's been affecting me throughout pregnancy so I've decided it's just what my body does. But the cough etc are getting worse now baby is bigger and there's pressure on the old lungs.

But when you are talking asthma - I'd say get checked out. No point in taking any risks. Don't forget your toothbrush though

On a plus side (and touching wood), no signs of havfever this year. I'm normally really bad and have now been amid grass cutting twice with no ill effects. Pregnant bodies are strange!

cas without wishing to be alarmist, one of the things the MW said in hospital was that pregnant women should not have a productive and persistent cough. This was one of the reasons why they kept me in and they wanted regular sputum samples so they knew my chest was clear. Check it with your MW - not worth running any risks...