Hi all, its taken me ages to catch up, and I've got to dash to pack bags as we're off for yet another weekend! Next weekend we're at home thank god.
But, before legging it, Diege, I totally know how you feel about the birth and everything and I know how hard it is when you are grateful that your precious LO is here, that it feels like you're somehow detracting from that by being upset.
BUT, if they didn't look after you how you wanted / deserved etc, then you have every right in the world to have a damn good cry about it. A sympathetic midwife came and sat with me at about 2 in the morning, and reviewed my notes with me (DS was keeping me awake!!), which helped a bit. But its only now that I've seen a consultant 2.5 years later that I've found out SO much more about DS' birth that helps to explain why some things had to happen the way they did.
Please, please don't hold anything back, hug Jacob as tight as you can, and allow yourself to grieve for the birth that you had hoped for. I believe that only when you've done that, can you really start to put it behind you.
When you've cried about it - write about it. I don't mean a birth story like you'd necessarily post here, I mean everything, every question, every raised eyebrow that you had, so that you can start to at least get things out of your head, and onto paper. And every time you're doing the cleaning or changing a nappy, and some other "oh yeah, I forgot that x happened too", go and add it to the 'story'.
The story helps relieve stress by 'emptying' your head, and also helps focus on the questions that need answering.
Then, I would strongly recommend getting in touch with PALS. I didn't and I really, really should have done. I could have found out more from my notes that would have meant that I wouldn't have been so upset by it all, as some of it was completely justified. However, there are some chunks that remain completely inexcusable and others may have experienced the same because I didn't highlight them.
I've just re-read this and am concerned that it sounds like I'm telling you to sit down and cry, but I'm just trying to say that its really OK to do just that, because then there will come a time when the grieving is over and the healing can begin. In the meantime, just keep cuddling your precious, precious little boy. I so wish I could give you a hug.
The memories of the birth experience do fade, as there just isn't enough room in your head for bad memories when there are so many wonderful new ones to be stored. You just have to give yourself time.
XXX
(and I promised myself I wouldn't mention hormones either, I did well didn't I )