Due April 2009 - Chapter 32: Shake your pom poms, Shake your pom poms, Shake your pom poms!!!

[BabyBolat]

Hope no one minds I gave Nutty the vote after her epic birth!

Boff, I don't know what you're thinking having children over the space of 20 years - it'll never be accepted by the masses

It's nice that you're hopeful about the childcare situation

Meg used to settle better for Dh, but now I can pick her up and most often she'll settle a bit and cuddle down in my cleavage before continuing to scream if she really wants to.

I want a nanny! (me personally)

I just got to the end of the site link you've posted Juw and it said that caffiene could cause breast pain... Now I don't have a lot of caffiene/chocolate every day, but I'm thinking cutting it completely out tomorrow and Tuesday so that I can test this as the cause of the breast pain I'm experiencing.... I'll let ya'll know how this goes.

DH is nannying me at the moment which is nice Being cooked for and cared for and looked after. Bit worried about Wednesday, when he goes back to work!

Hey ladies, I am lying on my tummy as I type this! For the first time in months! Was a bit worried about the scar but as long as I don't move it's fine. It still looks really nasty though and I still mourn the lovely second birth I never had - I haven't been able to read your birth stories since for fear of becoming very jealous.

Off to get ready for bed now - fingers crossed for good nights all round! x

Bleu - that breast pain - is it behind your nipples, a stabbing pain, and worse after feeds?

Bleu, I am secretly hoping a nanny might do a teensy bit of looking after us as well, for example feeding us Shepherd's Pie after work and so on. But I am aware this may be an ask too far.

Re: clinics. How awful that they are being so critical. That is not going to help one single jot. BTW I have had to develop completely different feeding tactics with Felix than I had with the other three, which involve:

1. Leaning forwards as though I am bottle feeding him, instead of turning him towards me, dropping the nipple in from above (which is supposed to be verboten as you get back ache and bad nipples allegedly).

1. Sometimes sitting him bolt upright between my knees to feed him.

1. Directing the nipple by gently squidging it with my second and third fingers to get it into a suitable shape for his (little) mouth. (This is also verboten as you are supposed to get blocked ducts).

1. Sleeping naked in bed with a big towel on there and avoiding breast pads whenever possible.

... summoned for steak, more later ...

Whizzing by - catch up later.

Bleu - I would at least try taking both the paracetamol and the ibuprofen regularly, both 4 times daily - this should give you better pain relief.

Schulte, that you're still mourning your lost birth experience. Are you coming to terms with it at all, or is it festering?

Boff, I have to do that 'naughty' leaning forward thing when George is fussing. I can roll him over towards me & sit up once he's properly latched, but I have to sort of shove the nipple into his mouth. I feel better about it now I know I'm not the only one breaking the 'rules'

Nutty, how annoying! So much for a nice relaxing time. I know what you mean about not your favourite - I want to stab DH at the moment.

I want to ask a quick AIBU:

I do all of the feeding, obviously, which means being up most of the night. You've seen my feeding thread - things aren't stress-free here & I'm knackered.

DH has been sleeping through the night apart from the occasions I wake him to do the nightly nappy change (which he does do without an explicit fuss, but I feel guilty if I wake him seeing as I'm awake anyway. I ask him mostly because I don't see that he should sleep through undisturbed but don't always. Perhaps 80% of the time.)

Today has been a fairly typical day that he's not at uni (where he goes to play games & joke around with his mates as much as anything). It's severely pissing me off:

He got up when he woke naturally, at about 10 or 11ish. To him, this is a sacrifice - he'd like to lie in bed until 2ish.

He brought me some toast because I was in the middle of a very long feed & turned his laptop on, where he stayed until he went out to fetch some bread for lunch at 3.30ish. After I'd asked him to. He came back with HobNobs & 4 pork pies as well as the bread. I'm in the middle of another massive feed at this point, but instead of offering to make me lunch, he sits & eats his 4 pork pies in front of his laptop. It became apparent very quickly that I was to get my own lunch when I'm able to put the kid down for a few minutes.

Just remembered - until this point he has done all of the nappy changes, but I have to ask him to every time. Of course he won't take the intiative.

My parents phoned at about 8 & I ended up crying down the phone (in front of DH) about how I don't think I can cope, I'm so tired, George is always hungry, blah blah blah. Afterwards, DH asks if I'm okay. I say no, but he turns straight back to his laptop (oh yes - he's still on his laptop) & ignores what I've said. I know that it's probably because he doesn't know how to deal with me / what to say, but I feel really alone.

The phone conversation also includes my parents being very concerned that I'm not eating enough, offering to order us food online & hassling me about what I'm going to eat. Because it's 8pm & I've not had anything yet - I'm in the middle of another massive feed & have been / have been comforting George for most of the day. I managed to grab a bit of time to make myself lunch, but haven't had chance to sort dinner yet I finally get off the phone after many promises that I'll eat soon. DH ignores all of this & only suggests that he makes dinner when I ask what he wants 45 minutes later.

Whilst eating dinner I'm feeding again, so he sees this as his chance to spend more time on his laptop. Where he stays until I huffily pick my laptop back up at 11.40pm to talk to my sister / check here. He realises that he's been ignoring me after I've just started a conversation with my sister & turns his laptop off & suggests that we have a cuddle - George is (miraculously) asleep in his vibrating chair for a few minutes. When I tell him that it's not fair to ignore me all day & then expect me to drop what I'm doing immediately, he gets huffy & says he's only just realised & so on.

I know the tenses are all a bit muddled in that, but I hope you can forgive me

AIBU? Am I just expecting too much? Is this what men are like? Or is he being a complete arse? I think it's probably a bit of both. If I were feeling more charitable, I could probably justify it all. But I'm tired & hormonal & feeling really neglected & unappreciated...

That went on a lot longer than I expected. Sorry.

springy, I don't think you're being unreasonable. From what I know about you and him though, it sounds that he loves you and you have a great relationship, but that he doesn't sound like he's ever very good at taking the iniative as he's less mature than you are. He needs instructions in how to be a father and husband and not a boy and student. As heartbreaking as it is the have to tell someone how to love you, it seems as if that's your role in your marriage.

So I'd suggest you need to teach him what his responsibilities are, ie, doing the shopping and providing all the food while you're breastfeeding, that he changes nappies and gives an expressed feed between certain hours of night so you can sleep, that he only spends a certain amount of time on his laptop and playing games at uni and the rest enjoying, loving and looking after his wife and son.

But at the moment you're knackered and you need some help that you don't need to instruct. So can you either 1) get someone you love to come and stay and look after you for a few days? This also might serve to instruct your DH in what he should be doing. 2) Go and stay with your family for a few days? Before you went I think you'd need to explain to your DH that you feel you need some looking after and perhaps give him the chance to do it for a day before going.

But I think you do need a break my dear.

Did anything ever come of your plan to get a doula?

Hey tartetatin! I would say I'm glad that you're still here, but actually I just feel sad for you that you're in the same situation. Big hugs x

By the way I'm not up in the middle of the night because I'm in labour, but because I can't sleep for being stressed about it all. I have a week now to go into labour natrually and still nothing doing. I'm so scared that it's going to happen on my exes birthday too, I so don;t want that. It's be the final irony and upset me so much.

I also really don't want to be induced. I feel a failure. I feel like I'm doing something wrong and stopping it happening somehow. Like there's something blocking me emotionally. or something I've forgotten. I'm trying so hard to be positive and happy and just carry on having fun and enjoying each day. But i'm exhausted from the effort.

I was having irregular braxton hicks for about 2 hours yesterday evening and lots of pelvic and fanny pain, but as soon as I came to bed they stopped again. Then I woke up and felt like I needed a poo. So went for one, had a couple of solitary painless tightenings that I mentally cheered and encouraged and shook pom poms for, but they've not continued. No more show either. At the moment my baby is merrily stretching out and sticking his toes in my ribs. I thought they were meant to go quiet before labour? This one is still kicking and stretching away all the time.

sorry for everyone elses woes. bleu, I read your posts and feel i want to hug you. You're so determined and I respect your courage and fortitude. I'm sure you'll get through this.

Ooh so much in so few posts!!! Righty ho...

Bleu getting things off ur chest is what we're here for fwiw I think ur being slightly superhuman about all this!

Nutty gah how annoying! Sorry ur chilled out night was ruined but yay for lovely friend!!! By dh is the same re driving- there's a lot of 'u don't trust me to drive moments' when in reality all I want to do is get home!!!

Springy yanbu I would have thrown his laptop across the room! Can't write enough as am on iPhone and should go back to sleep but agree 100% with frekkles you need to tell him what you need and could u go to ur parents for a couple of days for some real looking after - I simply don't know what I would have done without mine over the past 4 weeks and dh is fairly good! Tis hard for them as bfing does make then redundant in some ways but he should be making the effort to support u more!

Frekkles they are all such positive signs am sure it will happen soon - kara was kicking and moving right up until the last 15 mins of labour when I had to push! Don't worry about that and believe me induction is not failing it's just giving nature a helping hand - I went into labour naturally and still had to be induced further so it's got nothing to do with your bodies ability - u obviously have a chilled baby just enjoying the ride! Re ur exs bday - there is no way if knowing so try not to stress - if it happens it happens but in a years time when lo is celebrating their first bday and ur emotions and feelings towards ur ex aren't so raw it won't matter at all but still fingers crossed it doesn't happen! Try not to stress most babies make an appearance before the induction date - sure little frecks will too! Now try and rest!

Have to sleep now - night / morning all !!!

Frekkles - I know exactly what you mean about feeling a failure. I feel like a bit of a freak show now when I walk down our street - all the neighbours coming out and saying 'nothing happening yet?' Why won't it happen??? This is my fourth so you'd think my body would know what to do by now...

Springy - can I assume that your DH is the same sort of age as you? if so, you are both dealing with a major life change really young and it sounds as if you are coping with it tremendously well. However, we all know that men are not as mature as women and he probably doesn't realise the stresses and strains that you are under. Men quite often don't see what is going on right in front of them. I am not trying to give him an outer by the way. But, you MUST eat properly to keep yourself and that baby of yours well. As the others have said, couldn't you spend a couple of days with your folks to have a rest?

Sorry to hear that so many of you are having such a tough time.

Bleu, I can't offer advice - just thinking of you, I am sure you will work this out one way or another but you must not beat yourself up about it, whatever happens you have done more than could possibly be asked of you.

Springy, is there anyone else who might explain to your DH gently but firmly that he is out of order? As Frekkles says, he needs to know that certain things - not bfeeding the baby - that he can do, he must do. I ask if someone else might intervene because a. it might shame him to hear this from a 3rd party and he should take it very seriously indeed, and b. you are (justifiedly) very upset and another person might drop an emotionally-neutral truth-bomb that might have a big impact.

I know you are not a classic teen-pg-stat but if there is support from SS or similar available to you I would consider ways in which it might help you - not because you are in any way inadequate, god far from it, but because maybe your DH needs a little educating about being a dad and maybe a sympathetic pro with a light but firm touch might be the one to deliver it (given we know it won't come from his mum, for instance).

Frekkles, your time is so close! I feel it!

Nutty - sorry about the crap night. Things really pile up sometimes...

BB - SLOW DOWN!!!

Trista - are you ok?

I might try and do a me-post later - nothing you all don't know all about, ouchy nipples and family traumas etc - but I slept 8 hours last night (in 3 blocks) so the world is a good place today.

Courage, all you fine April women!

Springy, I was just going to suggest that you might want to contact Homestart, they have volunteers (usually other mums) who will come round and make you a cup of tea / hold the baby / have a chat as needed. Might help kick DH into action as well.

tartetatin - that is the worst thing anyone can say to a heavily pregnant woman - really there should be a guidebook for what you can and can't say!!

Springy was half asleep last night but really I don't think DH realises just how much help you need (I know it's hard to know how especially when you are crying on the phone to your parents!) It may be good for either

a) you to say you are going to your parents because you can't cope and see what he says (as in "why, what do you need, I can help you....")
or
b) you both go for a day or 2 so he can see just how helpful your mum and dad are!
you must make time for food though - i know how easy it is to not really feel like dinner ir have time and then end up eating crap which makes you feel worse in yourself!

Am feeling much better today - had 9 hours sleep last night (not constant but hey!) and Kara had 2 nappy changes with NO screaming - he is now led on the floor with my phone next to him blaring bon jovi in to his ear with the TV on silent - (I am creating a nightmare teenager I know!)

springy - you have a-ha - my child is soothed by ....... the hoover!!!!! oh dear

does anyone else have really bad skin post baby - not spots as such like a bumpy rash along my jaw and neck - some of which turn to spots but only a tiny amount - tis driving me crazy!

Springy - if it was me I would be tempted to take control of the situation and actually point out to him what he needs to do. I wouldn't be confrontational, but instead I would put together a weekly plan of jobs that need doing - eg tidy up flat, clean bathroom, cook dinner, go to the supermarket etc. Then I would allocate these tasks based on the available time that you both have. That way he will 'know' what to do without you actually having to nag him? FWIW I think that you're adjusting really well because having a baby is a big change and when a relationship is newish it must be especially hard. I have been with DH for 11 years and we have had a few breakdowns in communication over the past 3 weeks or so! I think your DH just needs to grow up a bit and realise a baby is lots of work, not just someone to play with!

Bluevarin you are a stronger woman than I, not only putting up with the pain but entirely cutting out caffiene ? Respect!

Frekkles, you are no more of a failure than anyone else. Most people need a helping hand - I had to have my waters broken because they sure as hell weren't intending to shift on their own! Also it really does sound like there are some hopeful signs of labour being well on the way. We've all got everything crossed for you. Hannah never went quiet either FWIW, in fact about 3 days before I went into labour I was worried about her moving too much.

Bleu, I have fed in front of a whole NCT breastfeeding group this way..and (surely not..)hunched over baby...the rep eventually came to speak to me, took one look at my face and said hesitantly..'perhaps you could try not to push so hard with your finger...' muttering something about lumps. I smiled sweetly and said 'Oh, this is fine, my nipples aren't sore and no lumps yet!'

Summon up the spirit of fanjo warriors, I say....

Springy, could DH do one day or night feed for you? Expressed or formula?

Thanks ladies, I appreciate the commiserations.it's nice to be able to offload, thanks for not minding x

thanks tartetatin! i know exactly what you mean. I know everyone is so well meaning, but one more text that says "have you had the baby yet? are you worried? do you feel rubbish+ when are you being induced?" is going to push me over the edge of insanity. FED UP NOW! another one of my nct lot have popped yestereday apparently, so that just leaves me and a lass who's due on sunday. and I was due first! grrrrrrrrrrrrr

Been awake a couple of hours and having tightenings (that aren't painful) and timed them on contraction master and they are like this

4 m, 26 s
3 m, 37 s
13 m, 27 s
6 m, 32 s
10 m, 35 s
5 m, 8 s
4 m, 24 s
4 m, 60 s
3 m, 44 s
3 m, 37 s
30 m, 60 s
1 m, 53 s
1 m, 12 s
2 m, 2 s
3 m, 6 s
3 m, 47 s
8 m, 56 s
7 m, 42 s

not painful though. actually feel fine today apart from the tightenings and no more show.

Hope you're ok today springy (((((((((((((((((lovely lass)))))))))))))) . much love to you xxx and love to everyone else.

I have just put photos up - one of V, minutes old, and one of Frank Sobotka from The Wire so that you can see why we call her Little Sobotkin.

My parents have left the building - this is the first time we have been a three alone at home (my mum got here before I came back from being repaired at hospital) and although they gave me so much help, and I don't know what I would have done without my mum, this is BLISSFUL.

All hell will break loose soon, but for now... ahhhhh....

Hi everyone,
Am miraculouslu surviving MIL's visit thus far, and she has scrubbed lots of rooms in the house and taken both kids off for a walk, so I feel mean about complaining as her intentions are always good.

Alex had a bad afternoon yesterday, much better this morning.

Springy, FWIW, I am really finding it hard to cut dairy products, but think it helps, from what I can see. What to have for breakfast becomes a major question, though. As for soya milk, it is FOUL.

Is it possible that your DH hasn't twigged that feeding George isn't some kind of cushy rest? Maybe he feels you are not under that much strain since you sit around for much of the day (from a man's perspective, I mean, please don't get me wrong!). Maybe he doesn't see how aggravating it is to be tied to another being so much and to be incapable of moving/getting anything/doing anything. I'd agree that you may have to spell certain things out to him, like the fact that you need help with meals because you physically cannot get yours and you need to eat well because you are feeding a guzzling baby. From his viewpoint enforced immobility might be like a long lie till 2pm, something fairly desirable.

Bleu, you are being so determined and so brave, I salute you. I've given up caffeine too, and am downing gallons of rooibos tea. We'll see if all the myths about its health benefits are true.

BB, this DIY has gone on long enough (stern teacher emoticon).

Frekkles, your baby will appear soon, hang in there. And you, tartetatin!

Boff, glad to hear you may have a childcare solution. Fingers crossed for shepherd's pie as a perk.

Nutty, sorry about your disastrous day.

Sorry to anyone I've missed. MUST do an online shop (sod the 13 euros in delivery fees ) and then rest for a bit while I can.