Due April 2009 - Festive bumps explode into crimbo, April mums wait in limbo

[BabyCRIMBOlat]

New thread here (I hope!!)

from here to maternity have some nice ones for £54

or you could hire one from doesmytumlookbiginthis.co.uk

Hello Snowy, I am here! Do not fear!

A few somewhat dark girl jokes follow. Bear in mind my German heritage when reading them. I have come a long way from very humble comedy beginnings.

Q. How many pregnant ladies with SPD does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None. It hurts less sitting in the dark.

Q. How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. 100. One to change the bulb and 99 to say they just can't reach that high.

Q. How many strippers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Two. One to hold the boa round it and the other to pull.

Q. How many MNetters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. 1000. One to pluck up the courage, 998 to offer online support and encouragement, and one grumpy person to say we're all making too much fuss about it.

Academically inclined joke now:

What's the different between a vice chancellor and a shopping trolley?

You can fill them both full of food and drink, but only one has a mind of its own.

hey hey you lot. on the santa sex front, that has always been a favourite fantasy of mine. I have a thing for beards anyway, and the long what type are the best. I'm somewhat legendary amognst my friends for my santa fetish. I'm secretly hoping that my boyfriend will dress up as santa on christmas and bend me over the aga while i'm making christmas dinner . ahem

ok, today's question is, which mythical creature would you most want to have sex with? unicrons, griffons, satyrs, medusa, whatever floats your boat... let's hear what and why?

have a nice day y'all! off to the midwife!

Busy day today but just wanted to register my vote for Vampire sex.

Hi everyone,
Have been lurking as usual, but finding time to post is harder...
Saw my gynaecologist yesterday for my monthly check up. While I was lying in an undignified position for him to check my cervix, he became very engrossed in our discussion of Sarkozy's latest "productivity encouraging" reforms (the hospital has been granted funding to renovate the maternity ward on condition that 1,000 women give birth there each year: we idly speculated as to how one might encourage/force women to give birth in a specific place during a specific 12-mth period).

Then he became very angry with a woman who kept banging on the door to be let in and who subsequently phoned to complain because he didn't open it.

Having explained to her that he couldn't open the door while examining a patient, he slammed the phone down, turned to me and exclaimed in very French fashion, "Pfft, I am a gynaecologist, not a psychologist! Does she think you are reclining on a sofa discussing your childhood traumas with me?"

Anyway, he got so distracted by all this that I had to ask before I left whether everything was OK with me and the baby, since he hadn't mentioned a word about it!

This morning I set off dutifully for my latest barrage of obligatory tests. As well as my monthly toxoplasmosis test, this included a blood test to check my red globules, in case of infection/anaemia, and the dreaded gestational diabetes test.

I don't think this is mandatory in the UK: it involves going off the centre on an empty stomach, having a blood sample taken, drinking 85g of sugar dissolved in a glass of water, waiting two hours and then having a second sample taken. It is absolutely foul, and an hour and a half after gagging down the disgusting drink I am feeling very woozy. When I walked through the frosty streets to the centre for the first test, I was dreaming of the huge breakfast I'd have once the whole thing was over; now the idea of food is nauseating. And I'm not sure what the baby thought of the sudden influx of sugar; he's been kicking ever since! Just off for the second test now...

Keep the jokes coming!

lauralou

Hi there my dear!!!! I haven't been on mumsnet much recently, as I have had a weird few weeks, trying to use up holiday before Christmas.

Anyway, yeah time sure does fly.....am 24 weeks now so officially only 16 weeks to go! And I am HUGE! Even my mum commented that I was big for 6 months...and she's had 4 babies!

I have gained just over a stone in weight which is starting to concern me as it means I will have ALL of it to lose AGAIN after having baby....so I am going to have to cut back a little on my portions I think...I can't keep gaining otherwise I will be massive!

How are you getting on? Is it your 20 week scan coming up?

The French seem to test everything ... are their infant mortality rates different to ours, I wonder?

rofl at your gynaecologist auldalliance - thats brilliant.

maybe a centaur frostyfrekkles but then since the important bits would be on the horse side, I'm not sure if that would work

ds was up most of last night - not entirely sure what was up with him but at least i dont have to achieve much today. have ds and my nephew's stockings to finish and my nephews curtains to hem, and a kilt to finish, so could really do with not sitting here all day pretending to be busy, but suppose its what i get paid for, so shouldnt complain.

Comparative infant mortality rates in some random countries:

2.75 per 000 in Sweden
3.25 per 000 in Iceland
3.36 per 000 in France
4.93 per 000 in UK
5.08 per 000 in Canada
5.14 per 000 in Ireland
6.3 per 000 in the US
154.67 per 000 in Afghanistan
182.31 per 000 in Angola

Q. How many obstetricians does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. 100. One to scrub up ready to take down the roof, and 99 to write research papers about it.

Q. How many NHS midwives in my PCT does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Send the building in and we'll refer it on to a builder from there.

Q, How many NHS physiotherapists in my PCT does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. None. It's the lightbulb's own fault for not doing core stability exercises. However we will provide a sheet of paper in six weeks' time about how the lightbulb can cope in the dark.

Q. How many NHS managers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Five. One to write a policy paper, one to patrol comparative wards, one to contact procurement, one to cancel the order and one to write a policy paper about the dangers of sitting in the dark.

Boffin, they do test a lot, but TBH the whole system is more checks-based than in the UK, I think and - as far as childbirth goes - more medicalised. Those figures are interesting...

I do remember asking a doctor once why women weren't encouraged to take folic acid in France, though, and he said it was because they all ate enough green, leafy veg, unlike in the UK!

Morning

lol at jokes, and a second vote for vampires from me!!! oooohhhhh yummy vampires are soooooo sexy

Boffin, loving the jokes - can sense the bitterness from here Still, all in good spirits, which is the main thing!

frekkles, when I was booking my Christmas day sex with DP (yes, there will be sex on Christmas day, even if I have to schedule it over a week in advance, damn it) he asked if we could wear Santa hats. I'm not actually sure if he's joking - I guess we'll see!

AuldAlliance, your gynaecologist sounds hilarious, although not full of unprompted reassurance. It does seem that you're getting a far more comprehensive level of care than we are, though. I'm not sure how good that is if it's just making you feel rubbish...

Cor, vampires. Especially Angel & Spike from Buffy. Love them. Ooh, my head's all full of lovely ideas now.

oooooohhhhhh angel double yum yes please > whats that vampire ...... is it Lestat? in the interview with the vampire books?

i would quite like to be kate bekinsale from underworld she is seriously cool ....... she doesnt get enough though to be honest

Frekkles - do you think he will dress up as santa for you?

Snowy - good girl for the pre booking, gotta get the request in early so he knows no prezzies/ crimbo dinner until bedroom duties have been completed in a satisfactory manner lol

Auldalliance, you have to eat about 3000 cabbages to get the equivalent content to one folic acide tablet, as I understand it.

Next joke:

Q. How many vampires does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Bugger, they've all vapourised.

Nutty - I totally would

Wow, 3000 cabbages a day. You'd have to have good ventilation

on a serious note i just had a birth announcement card from a friend with a pic of her twins (aaaahhhhh)

am sat here bawling cos it so special she & her dh had such a time ttc, ivf etc over the course of about 5 years poor girl i know shes just going to make the most wonderful mummy to her TWO beautiful lil girlies. Im just soo happy for her its untrue. Such a miracle for them.

Aww, bless. It's always extra lovely when people have sort of 'earnt' it & will make fabulous parents.

I want my baby

Snowy

Auldalliance, in some papers I have just read they attribute this to genetic factors rather than diet in France. So English women should probably take folic acid.

I was actually exaggerating about the cabbages, just in case Auldalliance got any funny ideas.